ACTOR GETS THE OBITUARY HE ALWAYS DREAMED OF

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Massee is dead at the age of 61.

The cause of death has not been released but the passing is obviously premature and Massee was a wonderful character actor who was one of those distinctive presences that audiences always remember even if they don’t necessarily glom to his name straight away. He starred in approximately 80 TV shows and movies, including Seven, Lost Highway, The Amazing Spider-Man, 24, The X-Files and The Blacklist.

His passing was marked by the following headlines.

Variety: Michael Massee, ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee, Dies at 61

Deadline: Michael Massee Dies: Brandon Lee’s Accidental Shooter On ‘The Crow’

Hollywood Reporter: Michael Massee Dead: ‘The Crow’ Actor Who Accidentally Shot Brandon Lee

And so it goes.

Masse was involved in the accidental shooting of Brandon Lee. It was an accident that he wasn’t responsible for and that he suffered as result of, withdrawing from acting for some years following the incident. That his death should be headlined in such a way is tasteless and prurient. His whole life summed up by the worst possible day in his life to feed clickbait and improve SEO scores.

Shame on you.

RIP Michael Masse.

TOM CRUISE TURNS INTO A PILLAR OF FIRE

LOS ANGELES – Star of Eyes Wide Shut and Cocktail, diminutive Scientologist and actor Tom Cruise recently wowed fans and amazed reporters by turning into a pillar of fire.

The transformation took place during the Hollywood premiere of his new film Oblivion. Accompanied by co-stars Morgan Freeman and Andrea Riseborough, Cruise appeared looking smart and refreshed in a grey polo neck and jacket. He was signing autographs and posing for photographers when he turned into the pillar of fire and levitated above the red carpet for several minutes before returning to his human form, leaving a burnt brown track mark on the carpet.

‘The fire was pumpkin orange and reached up to my waist,’ one astonished onlooker told the Hollywood Reporter, who for reasons of corporate cowardice decided not to report the story. Joseph Kosinski told the Studio Exec exclusively that his star had been practicing the effect for days:

Shortly beforehand

Tom is a very private man, so I’m not sure how much his turning into a pillar of fire has to do with Scientology, but I am sure that he is 100% committed and sincere about everything he does, including our film, which despite the efforts of assholes like you is still making a lot of money.

 However, some of Cruise’s critics including the president of the Anti-Tom Cruise Guild (AKA Cruise Control), Peter Sand said:

To call it a pillar would be a gross exaggeration. It was a coffee table of fire. And he managed to sustain that pitiful display for literally six minutes, not the several minutes some places have reported. 

Oblivion is a film. Read our review HERE.