PAUL FEIG TO REMAKE DIRTY DANCING

HOLLYWOOD – Paul Feig has announced that he is ready to start pre-production on a horror version of the beloved coming of age classic Dirty Dancing (1987) titled Dawn of The Dirty Dancing (2016)

The script, written by Child’s Play (1988) scribe Don Mancini, has been circulating Hollywood for years and at one point Patrick Swayze was set to reprise his role as snake- hipped ladies man, Johnny Castle. Unfortunately Swayze’s untimely death led to the project being shelved and it wasn’t until late 2011 that the screenplay eventually landed on Feig’s desk.
 
“It’s probably the best script I’ve ever read” said a lucid Feig:
 
Basically it’s a carbon copy of the original. Same narrative, same dialogue it’s just that in our version some of the characters happen to be flesh-eating Zombies.
 
Feig confirmed that Jennifer Lawrence would be replacing Jennifer Grey as wide-eyed innocent Baby but he admits he had difficulty finding an actor to step into Swayze’s dancing shoes:
 
Obviously Patrick would have been my number one choice because he made the role his own. We did investigate the possibility of using a mixture of animatronics , Voodoo and CGI to bring him back to life but in the end we decided it was too expensive so we went with everybody’s second choice, Nicolas Cage.
 
So far Cage has been unavailable for comment but Feig confirmed the rumour that he has spent the last six months learning the dance steps and eating nothing but brains and entrails:
 
Nic is a true artist and goes to extreme lengths to get into character. I mean you try dancing the Mambo after you’ve eaten a bowl full of raw pig intestines.
 
Feig also confirmed that if Dawn of The Dirty Dancing is a box-office success, he has plans for at least two more follow-ups:
 
Don has already completed a first draft of Day of The Dirty Dancing and we are currently tossing around ideas for Land of the Dirty Dancing. It’s all about financing though so if our first movie makes enough dough, I’m eager to complete the trilogy.
 
Dawn of the Dirty Dancing is due for release in late 2013
 

CULKIN TO STAR IN ‘HOME ALONE 6: INCEPTION’.


HOLLYWOOD – Troubled former child actor Macaulay Culkin has signed up to star in Christopher Nolan’s re-imagining of the Home Alone franchise.


Home Alone: Inception will feature Culkin reprising his role as Kevin McCallister- now a 30 year old alcohol and substance abuser being treated by a psychiatrist (Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson) for his childhood abandonment issues and traumatic experiences with known criminals.

Unable to find a way to reach him, the psychiatrist decides to use a new experimental procedure which involves Kevin entering his own mind and recreating the house from the original movie. The psychiatrist then implants two burglars (once again played by Daniel Stern and Joe Pesci) into his psyche and Kevin has to set up increasingly elaborate booby traps in order to fight them off. If he is successful, he will be cured of his problems. If he fails, he will be lobotomised.

“I’m really excited,” said Culkin. “Christopher has given me an opportunity to get back in the game and even though my own personal problems are rooted in the Home Alone series and that camping weekend I spent with Michael Jackson at the Neverland Ranch. This is my chance for redemption.”

Chris Nolan, on the other hand, was a little more apprehensive:

If I catch Culkin smoking crack in his trailer again I’m going to have him killed.


Home Alone: Inception is due for release in 2014

STAR WARS SPIN-OFF TO BE BASED ON GREASE

HOLLYWOOD – Disney confirmed this morning that one of the proposed spin-off’s of the Stars Wars franchise will be based on the popular 50’s musicalGrease.

Jim Jacobs who wrote the original script has been working with Guillermo Del Toro on the project and he exclusively told The Studio Exec that they have a 1st draft and are currently working on a 2nd.

It’s going to be a pretty faithful remake of the original Grease” said a chatty Jacobs.

Apprentice Sith Lord Danny Zucko lives on the Death Star. He falls for uptight Jedi in training Sandy Olsen during summer vacation but when he returns and finds Sandy has joined his school. He’s torn between his love for a rebel spy and his loyalty to the empire. To cut a long story short at the end Sandy puts on a pair of black hot pants and decides to join the dark side.

Jacobs went on to say that the hardest part of the process has been adapting the songs.

The music is what makes Grease and the lyrics are so well known we didn’t want to mess with them; but we have made a few subtle changes so there’s tracks like Jedi School Drop-out, Blue Moons, Tears on my Tie-Fighter, Hopelessly Devoted to the Emperor and You’re the Darth that I want.

The cast has yet to be confirmed but both John Travolta and Olivia Newton John are said to be interested in making a cameo appearance.

“It beats them doing another f*cking Christmas Album,” said their irate agent.

 
Star Wars: Grease is due to be released in 2015

TOM HIDDLESTON IS THE REAL DOCTOR WHO

















LONDON – A controversial new book by eminent historian Crispin Hake claims that revered actor and housewives’ choice Tom Hiddleston is really a time traveller from the planet Gallifrey.

“I was as stunned as anyone” said a stunned Hake

I was conducting research into the history of photography when I discovered an old CIA file labelled ‘Top Secret’. I looked inside and I just couldn’t believe my eyes.

Hake claims the file contained over 80 photographs of Tom and a 1000 page report charting his movements throughout the last 150 years.

It seems that Tom has appeared so frequently that the US government had to manipulate images and replace him with other characters so people wouldn’t start asking questions. Not only do we know he’s been around since the invention of the camera but there is evidence to suggest he could have been living amongst us for centuries!

The Hiddleston camp have been quick to deny these rumours and his army of fans have already forced Hake to close down his twitter account.

“Tom isn’t a time traveller. He’s a God!” said 14 year old majorette Tina Lopez.

Whatever the truth may be. The below photographs will certainly lead some to question the truth behind the Hiddleston conundrum.







EASTWOOD TO DIRECT DAY-LEWIS IN ‘THE CHAIR’.

LOS ANGELES – Hollywood legend and registered republican Clint Eastwood, confirmed earlier today that his next project will be an experimental psychological drama titled The Chair, based upon his own screenplay.

Set for a Winter 2013 release. Eastwood claimed he seriously considered playing the lead himself but after being captivated by Daniel Day-Lewis’ performance in a sneak preview of Spielberg’s ‘Lincoln’. He immediately decided the Anglo-Irish actor was the only man for the job.

We caught up with Day- Lewis the day before he was due to go into a six month seclusion to prepare for the role.

Mr Lewis. You’re probably one of the most in demand actors currently plying their trade. Why choose ‘The Chair’ as your next project?

Well there are many reasons why I chose it. I’ve been a fan of Clint’s since I was a boy and I admire him as a director. I’ve also spent the last 10 years playing these powerful iconic characters in big budget epics and I thought it was high time I took a step back, stripped things down and returned to my art house roots.

So you regard ‘The Chair’ as an art house film?

Very much so. We have one location, one camera and one actor. I was surprised that Clint would want to work on such a small scale and without a script but he’s in his element.

There’s no script?

Not as such no. Clint did send me a 500 page document which had ‘The Chair, The Chair, The Chair, The Chair’ written on every single sheet. So I suppose in a sense there is a script but it contains no plot, dialog or narrative.

Interesting. So who will you be playing?

I’ll be playing ‘The Chair’.

I see. So who is ‘The Chair’, a Mafia Boss, the head of a corrupt banking organization?

‘The Chair’ is a chair.

Sorry I don’t follow.

What are you sitting on right now?

A chair.

And that’s what I’ll be playing. Not that chair of course, a different chair. Though I suppose in a sense, I’m playing every chair.

Ok…You’re renown for your method acting. How have you been preparing for the role?

I’ve been watching lots of Jude Law films and flicking through Ikea catalogues and Good Housekeeping magazines. For the next 6 months i’ll be up in the Catskills with just myself and a chair. I want to really understand what it’s like to be a chair and more importantly, how to think like a chair.

Right. So what is the film about exactly. what happens?

Nothing happens but at the same time, EVERYTHING happens. It’s very metaphysical.

Apologies Mr Lewis but I’m little confused.

Look. The camera will show a bare room and in the middle of it will be a chair, played by me and that’s all that happens on screen for the next two hours. The aim is to encourage the audience to use their imagination and start bringing this chair to life. They’ll imagine their loved ones in the chair. People they admire, people they hate and people they only half remember. They’ll see their, demons, their day-dreams and their deep dark desires. All Clint is doing is providing a canvass and it’s up to the audience to paint the picture.

Wow. I don’t understand a word you just said but I like the way you said it.

Thanks. Anyway I must go Clint and I are going to drop several tabs of acid and do some carpentry.

Mr Lewis. It’s been a rare pleasure.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER TO PLAY APOLLO CREED

 

HOLLYWOOD – After months of negotiation Shame (2011) and Prometheus (2012) star Michael Fassbender has signed on to play Rocky’s original nemesis Apollo Creed A.K.A The Master of Disaster, The King of Sting, The Dancing Destroyer, and The Count of Monte Fisto.

The movie – Assassins Creed – is the story of an ex-heavyweight boxing champion who is transported back to Renaissance Italy and is press ganged into becoming the leader of an elite bunch of Assassins.
 
Directed by Len Wiseman and due for release in 2013. Assassins Creed is yet another brave departure in Fassbender’s short but prolific career and we caught up with him on the set of Ridley Scott‘s The Counsellor(2013) to ask about his daring role.
 
Mr Fassbender. Can I call you Michael?

You certainly can Sir.
 
Cool. So Michael you’ve signed up to play Apollo Creed in Assassin’s Creed. What drew you to the part?

Well I’m a big fan of the Rocky series and I’ve always thought Apollo was a strong, charismatic character and he deserved his own spin-off.
 
I see. Don’t take this the wrong way but Carl Weathers, who originally played Apollo, is black and you are white.

(Laughing)I noticed that yes.
 
So I assume you will require heavy make-up in order to perform the role. Are you worried about any controversy that might arise?

Not at all. I think Robert Downey Jnr’s character in Tropic Thunderopened the floodgates and the idea of a white guy playing a black guy will not cause so much of a stir these days.
 
Still, you would have thought they would have hired a black actor to play the role.

Surely you aren’t advocating a studio discriminates against an actor on account of his race? I can’t help being white. I was born white and that shouldn’t hinder my career in any way.
 
Fine. Ok Michael that will do. Thanks for the 
interview.

Wait a minute
 
Sorry. Did you have anything to add?

Aren’t you forgetting something?
 
I don’t think so

You haven’t asked about my (He whistles and points to his crotch)
 
Er…to be honest I didn’t even consider raising the subject.

It’s really that big you know. There was no camera trickery in SHAME or anything like that.
 
Er..good for you I suppose.

Do you want to see it?
 
I’m good thanks but I appreciate the offer.

I can just whip it out now for you. A quick flash it would be no problem.
 
It’s a kind gesture Michael but I really have to go I’m late for an appointment.

Oh no bother. Next time then. Thanks for the Interview.
 
Assassin’s Creed will be released in 2013.