SEX LIVES OF THE HOBBITS REVEALED IN NEW BOOK

NEW ZEALAND –  An Unexpected Entry: The Sex Lives of the Hobbits: a new kiss and tell memoir by Sam Gamgee actor Sean Astin looks set to blow the lid off the night time doings in Hobbiton.

The Lord of the Rings and Goonies actor has already written one book about his experiences of making Peter Jackson’s epic three film saga: the incredibly whiny and self-deluded There and Back Again: An Actor’s Tale. But his new book looks to be an altogether different take. Among the many sizzling scandals, Astin reveals:

  • How one Hobbit was famous for using his Mines of Moria ‘GANDALF!’ scream at the point of climax.
  • How another pair of Hobbits had a competition to bag as many elves as they could in one night.
  • How Peter Jackson organised orgies between the principal actors and their body doubles, which Andy Serkis would participate in via motion capture technology.
  • Where the name ‘Gollum’ really comes from. 

Many have suggested that Astin has fabricated everything as an act of revenge at not being gifted a role in Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films, but Ian McKellen has said that “Every word is true. We had a lovely time and what the hell else were we supposed to do. We were in New Zealand for goodness sake!”

An Unexpected Entry: The Sex Lives of the Hobbits is available from Amazon and all good book stores.

ELIJAH WOOD IS ‘NOT ACTUALLY TINY’

HOLLYWOOD – It was belated revealed today that actor and Hobbit Elijah Wood is actually regular adult size and not as has previously been assumed tiny the way he was in Flipper and Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

The revelations came during an interview with French cultural magazine Chapeau, an extract from which can be read below:

So how is it you will appear to be an adult size in Breck Eisner’s new film The Last Witch Hunter?

Well, I am normal size. I mean I’m just 5 foot five inches. I’m not a giant but yeah.

So they’ll use CGI to stretch you, or will Breck rely on ‘forced perspective’?

Neither. I mean I’ve been in a ton of films as myself, I mean as my own size. You haven’t seen Wilfred?

Non.

Maniac?

The remake?

Yes.

Non.

Grand Piano?

Non.

Well you can see me now?

I assumed you were wearing some kind of prosthetic assemblage.

You can’t honestly have thought we were all Hobbit sized.

So you’re saying Martin Freeman isn’t…

No.

Or Pippin and Merry?

No.

Or Tyrion Lannister?

Ah well. Yes, Peter Dinklage is … that’s his actual size.

Mon Dieu! Je suis confused.

 

Elijah Wood fans the world over reacted to the news with a mixture of consternation and disbelief.

Becky Hamilton from Iowa had this to say:

I think it like sucks. I mean. If you’re going to be small in one movie. You should really be small in all the movies. Otherwise I mean. What?

Jonah Painter, the current mayor of Hobbiton, said that Wood had ‘betrayed his Hobbity roots and would not be receiving a warm welcome on his return to the shire’.

Elijah Woods’ new film The Last Witch Hunter is directed by the man responsible for Sahara and will be released in 2015.