PETER JACKSON TO REBOOT LORD OF THE RINGS

HOBBITON – Following the universally despised The Hobbit Trilogy, Peter Jackson reveals he is to return once more to Middle Earth to realize his dream project: a complete reboot of The Lord of the Rings.

If you thought you’d seen the last of Middle Earth, think again as Peter Jackson is currently preparing a remake of his own trilogy.

The Lovely Bones director swung round the Studio Exec Hobbit Hole to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the project:

I was finishing up the last effects shots of The Hobbit and we’d been in discussions about what to do next. Fran reminded me of the Tin Tin film, but frankly I haven’t heard from Steven since 2013, so I think we’ve both decided to write that one off. Then it came to me why not go back to the Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring.

A remake?

Yes. I’m very proud of those films, but re-watching them I realize there’s so much that I had to leave out.

Like Tom Bombadil?

Exactly like Tom Bombadil. There’s a whole musical number to be done there. Look at the start of The Hobbit. We kept the music in that film and I think everyone can see that it really worked. Not to mention the fact that there’s a whole generation who have yet to see them. And who wants to see an old man like Orlando Bloom when we can get Andrew Garfield in. We can show these films 25,000 frames per second and in 3D IMAX.

Will there be any significant changes?

As I say the originals do hold up, but I’m going to divide them into three films each, because there’s a lot of material in the appendices. And who doesn’t love appendices?

Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship will be released in 2018 with Lord of the Rings: Of the Ring due in 2019. 

PETER JACKSON: ‘THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR WILL HAVE TO BE 5 FILMS’

WELLINGTON – Film director and slow reader Peter Jackson has announced his next project will be a franchise based on the popular children’s book The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

‘We’re trying to break down the story,’ animal killer Peter Jackson (as he prefers to be known) said. ‘It’s really difficult because there’s so much to it. So Fran said, why not split it into more than one movie? We talked to the studio and agreed on five as a good number. It’s more than three and less than twenty.’

The decision will not come as a surprise to Jackson fans who have got used to the New Zealander’s unbelievable avarice  epic imagination. Jackson said:

I know there will be criticism from the purists but if you go back to the original Eric Carle book, you’ll see clearly that the book has a very clear five film structure. That Caterpillar eats a hell of a lot of food. Ice cream cones, a leaf, some pie, it’s just endless. And if we were try to squeeze that into just one or even two movies we’d lose so much. 

Andy Serkis will play everything.

 The Very Hungry Caterpillar: Part One The Unexpected Hatching is due to start filming in June, 2013 and will star Andy Serkis.

PETER JACKSON’S WAR AND PEACE WILL BE 3 FILMS

WELLINGTON – Lord of the Rings, Hobbit and Tin Tin prevaricator Peter Jackson has revealed that his post-Hobbit project – an ambitious adaptation of Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace.

And perhaps unsurprisingly it will be a trilogy.

Peter Jackson spoke from his underground lair:

I’ve always been a huge fan of L.V.V. Tolstoy and his wonderful fantasy books. Anna Karenina, which is all about this Elf princess, is a bit mopey so I thought I’d start my honoring of his work with War and Peace, which is set in the fantastical kingdom of Russia. A darkness has descended on the land as a dark lord called Napoleon threatens invasion. The innocent Muscovites set out on a mission to do battle.

 You know it isn’t a fantasy book? 

Of course, the scale of the book means that we can’t really do justice to it in a single film so… 

So you’re dividing… 

Dividing the book into three films. The first film War will be released in 2019, followed by And in 2020 and Peace in 2021. 

The first installment of War and Peace will be released in 2019. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 25. PETER JACKSON

WELLINGTON – Today in an intimate conversation with Studio Exec, Peter Jackson revealed his longing to move on from the works of Tolkien on completion his The Hobbit quadrology.

‘I’ve been working on J.R.R. Tolkien for almost fifteen years,’ Mr King Kong said. ‘With the making of The Hobbit trilogy six of my films will have been based on Tolkien’s work, seven if you count The Lovely Bones. So I’m really looking forward to wrapping up The Hobbit, so I can go on to fresh horizons and new challenges. Hell there’s a whole world of literature out there.’

So what do you have lined up?

The Silmarillion. 

But…

Which of course we won’t be able to do justice to in just one movie, so we’re thinking of splitting it up into four, no five, no six films. Nine movies tops.

Isn’t that another…

And then I’m going to make a stand alone Tom Bombadil movie. People were saying they missed Tom Bombadil in the Lord of the Rings, but really I didn’t think we could do justice to the singing and dancing hippy by having him just be there as a bit. So he’s gonna get his own musical. With all those wonderful songs.

So more Tolkien?

Come again?

J.R.R. Tolkien? Wrote the books?

I haven’t got a clue what you’re talking about. Anyway, busy busy. I just found out Tolkien wrote a few shopping lists and a letter to his landlady about her cat doing his business in the back garden.

The Silmarillion will be released in 2018 and for all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE..

AMERICA DECLARES WAR ON NORTH KOREA

The baby faced leader of North Korea Kim Jong-un, decreed on state television this morning that he is changing the name of the country to Mordor and declaring himself the living embodiment of Sauron the Great.

President Obama immediately released a statement condemning Jong-un’s actions as being nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt, but hours later US spy satellites recorded footage of an army of Orcs and Goblins marching towards the Korean border which forced the president to take decisive action.
 




I’ve been consulting with my chief adviser Gandalf the grey “ said a businesslike Obama.

 
He is currently recruiting a crack unit who will travel to Mordor and end Sauron’s reign of tyranny once and for all.”
 
When asked if he had a message for his enemy the President didn’t mince his words:
 

I’d like to make it clear to Sauron and anyone who else who dares threaten the security of the United States of America or it’s allies. We have the Ring of Power and we are not afraid to use it!

 

Meanwhile in New York, Sauron’s ambassador Saruman the White had to be rescued by helicopter after a mob of dwarfs led by Game of Thronesstar Peter Dinklage stormed the Mordorian embassy.

The Mordorians have been oppressing my people for a millennia and today’s the day we fight back!” said a rousing Dinklage.

A UN resolution has been swiftly ratified with all member states agreeing that Sauron must be brought to justice. However political philosopher Noam Chomsky urged caution:

 

The life of one Orc means nothing to Sauron. He’ll throw a million of them into the meat grinder and not even blink but we don’t want to get into a situation were we are throwing a million Elves back at him. If Gandalf’s so called “Fellowship” fails in their quest then we should get Sauron around a table and try and hammer out a peaceful resolution.

 
We will bring you more news of of these turbulent events, when we get it.
 

FLUFFER: END OF YEAR REVIEW: PART 1




For Your Consideration


As award season approaches veteran ham Sir Edwin Fluffer shamelessly campaigns for the recognition he doesn’t really deserve. Here are just a few of his performances from the last year that the Academy won’t find difficult to ignore:

The Hobbit
I had a small but memorable scene in this little picture with that twinkly old darling Sir Ian McKellen, or Serena as I found he doesn’t like to be called. I played his doting father, Gandalf The Greyer, who insists his son wraps up warm before setting off on his big adventure. 
The 3D scarf and matching gloves I had to give him were almost frighteningly realistic. It’s a shame that my cameo didn’t make the final cut, but if they’re running short on Part Two or Part Three they can always pop it in later I suppose. The director, Peter Jackson, was an absolute sweetheart. I would tickle him under the chin and he’d chuckle like a little baby. In the end he had to ask me to stop it because we weren’t getting any work done.

Django Unchained
Let’s just say that westerns have changed a bit since my appearance all those years ago in Apache Chaps! Being the sort of actor who’ll do anything for money I was delighted to be on set with my dear old friend Samuel L. Jackson. We had a lovely chat and I told him all my favorite stories, like the time Gabby Hayes accidentally shot one of my fingers off, and dear old Sam said ‘shit, who is this guy? I can’t understand a word he’s saying!’ That’s Sammy for you: we just fell about laughing! Some of the language was a little ripe for my tastes and I did raise that with the director so I hope he’s turned it down a bit. I’ve not actually seen it yet, but I hope they’ve kept in the bit where I fall off the horse: it was an accident waiting to happen, but very funny. 
Young Leo DiCaprio actually wet himself.

POPE DENOUNCES HOBBIT

Pete Jackson tells the Pope ‘where to get off’

ROME – The Vatican launched an all out assault on Peter Jackson and his new film The Hobbit: an Unexpected (If strangely predictable) Journey.
The Pope – using his traditional any other business Friday address at Saint Peter’s Square in the Vatican city in Rome – said, ‘Half of this stuff is just him making it up, some of it’s based on a book: it’s long-winded guff about a make believe airy fairy land with an oversimplified dichotomy of good and evil and frankly, that’s our job.’
The Bishop of Wellington in New Zealand (where The Hobbit was made) said: ‘The Pope’s bang on. He’s got Petey boy bang to rights. I’d like to see him wriggle out of this. The animal murdering bastard.’

Making shit up is our game


The Pontiff was particularly miffed that there wasn’t more Gollum: ‘He’s my favourite character,’ he said. ‘Now, if Mel Gibson had been directing this …. (inaudible) … Jews …. (inaudible) … Viggo Mortenssen.’
Peter Jackson responded by launching a furious attack on the Pope: ‘He’s just German fella dressed in a frock.’ And was unrepentant about his decision to split a relatively short book into three films, explaining: ‘If I’d just done the one film it would have made like one money!? I mean, where’s the sense in that?’

For more on this fascinating story follow us on twitter @studioexec1 and find us on Facebook somewhere.

PETER JACKSON TO BE SUED BY KING KONG ‘ACTOR’

Giles Haversmith










WELLINGTON – Animal murderer Peter Jackson is to be sued by Giles Haversmith, the performer who brought the famous monster monkey King Kong to life for Mr. Jackson’s forgotten 2005 film. Mr. Haversmith – who is a giant ape – said that Mr. Jackson and his company were guilty of ‘mistreatment and extreme emotional damage’ citing ‘prodding at his genitalia and laughing’ as well as ‘falsely claiming he was CGI creation, created with a combination of Andy Serkis motion capture and Alec Baldwin’s back hair.’
Dr. Haversmith – who has a Ph.D in French Romantic Literature – said in a statement:

Post poo

What you see up there is me. All me and that has never been fully recognised. I put my soul up there on the screen. Pete Jackson said that this was going to do for giant talking apes, what Philadelphia did for gay men and Forrest Gump did for dumb asses. In fact in the film all my lines were cut. I just looked like an idiot.   

The claims comes in a week which saw Jackson assailed by claims that the 48 FPS rate of The Hobbit was causing pregnancies that some feared would lead to the creation of a cute Orc army. However, Mr. Jackson poo-pooed the allegations (by which we literally mean he literally did a poo poo on Dr. Haversmith’s written statement.) 

THE HOBBIT: REVIEW














A scene for scene remake of The Fellowship of the Ring with Dwarfs. Clocks start ticking backwards as Peter Jackson forgets how to make a movie. Sets look like they were painted by two fingered crack babies with crayons and the green screen effects created on an X-Box 360. After an hour of face melting crystal clear visuals everyone in the cinema looks like a Nazi who has just opened the Ark of the Covenant. 

Things start to improve when your brain begins to suspend disbelief by accepting that the CGI is a bit dodgy and Serkis’ Gollum routine rescues the entire picture from the crumbling ledge of a lava pit. Jackson is suddenly awoken from his creative coma and remembers he’s not bad at this directing lark and the final 45 minutes are as exciting as dipping your genitals into one of the holes in that hollow tree stump in ‘Flash Gordon’. It ends on a high and everything is forgiven. Roll on ‘The Hobbit: The Twin Towers’.


THE HOBBIT’S 48 FPS CAUSES PREGNANCY

Hobbit Caesarian 










WELLINGTON – It was revealed today that the frame per second rate of the new Peter Jackson film The Hobbit: an Overly Hyped Journey can cause pregnancy in women aged 17-56.
The revelation came after initial speculation that it was responsible for several cases of vomiting. The vomiting it turned out was actually morning sickness and now over fifty cases of quasi-immaculate conceptions have been reported from the Wellington premier alone.
Peter Jackson was quick to dismiss the report:

Look we didn’t kill any animals (except the ones we did) and we didn’t get anyone pregnant with the new 48 fps. That’s utterly ridiculous. I don’t even understand how that can work, biologically. All 48 fps does is give a much clearer, more vibrant image.  

possible demon army

However, Dr. Wilfmore of the Cinematic Health Institute argues that entry to the film should be restricted to adolescent boys as a safety precaution:

We simply don’t know what is going to popping out of the uteruses of those women already effected and until we do, we would be better to be very cautious. I personally believe something Andy Serkis-like is probably in there. Or perhaps a small demonic army like in The Brood that Cronenberg film. 

VIGGO MORTENSEN BECOMES KING OF NEW ZEALAND

WELLINGTON – Viggo Mortensen arrived in Wellington, New Zealand today to prepare for his coronation as Aragorn, King of New Zealand, which will also be renamed Middle Zealand.

The peaceful transfer of power will be overseen by John Key, the current Prime Minister who is expected to cede power to the mastermind behind the move, Peter Jackson.

Speaking Elfish, Mr. Mortensen said:

I have nothing against Queen Elizabeth II who has been a wonderful figure head for New Zealand, but it is time that the country moved forward to the Third Age.  

Liv Tyler is expected to join Aragorn as Queen Arwen, as ‘I have nothing better to do, and being Queen, I mean that’s like, neat?’ However, she caused some consternation when she referred to a party of welcoming Maoris as Orcs. Jackson was quick to repair the damage, pointing out that what with Dwarves and Elves living in peace with men, this was going to be a multicultural absolute monarchy.

King Aragorn said today:

New Zealand has given a lot to us as film makers. You gave us your union powers, your animals and now you’re going to give us absolute power so we can play out our fantasies at the state’s expense. And I swear, that on my first day in power, anyone less than six foot tall will no longer be allowed to wear shoes.   

Other proposed changes include a banning of all technology, legislation to curb the use of dragons in mining operations and a controversial emigration policy for anyone over sixties who will be forcibly removed to the Grey Havens.

ANIMAL CRUELTY ON THE HOBBIT SET: SMAUG SPEAKS OUT

His identity is protected












NEW ZEALAND -We meet in Wellington at the underground car park that for the last 13 months has been home to my source. I could call him Deep Throat, but he has had the courage to blow the whistle on New Zealand’s favorite son, Peter Jackson and he’s not afraid to say his name. He is Smaug, the villain of the piece, the dragon whose gold Bilbo Baggins and his dwarf companions wish to steal. But there has been more than one crime at the Lonely Mountain.

‘S’ironic really,’ says Smaug curled up between the SUVs. ‘Petey came up and he says originally they were going to CGI the role and then the budget wasn’t looking too hot and so he decided to go practical. Course dragons are a protected species, but he don’t give a shit. First of all he strings me up with wires and has Andy Serkis pulling me fucking every which way. Well, I wasn’t having that. I said Pete, I’m an artiste. He said okay, but he was laughing.’

How do you respond to the charge that animals have been injured and killed on The Hobbit?


Not with the filming. They’re very careful. They got animal rights groups all over that. But once the cameras stop rolling, that shit from The Office goes back to his nice hotel, I’m herded down here, the horses are in some kind of abandoned mine, Moria or something it’s called. And the chickens and things like that are just eaten. The crew just jump on them. No cooking, no preparation. S’savage man.


Do you feel you have been mistreated or in anyway exploited?

There’s been a lot of hate speech. That Cate Blanchett would just look at me and say ‘who brought Puff?’ They even all wore t-shirts with Puff written on them and a picture of me. But this is nothing. You should have seen what Jackson did to Kong. He fucking hates animals, really hates them.


Would you support a boycott of the film?

No. I’m very proud of the film and my work on it. I believe in Dragon Rights and the more visible we are the less we can be abused and victimized. Look what Jaws did for sharks. Suddenly everyone loved sharks and wanted like to support shark charities. I’m hoping the Hobbit will have a similar effect on dragons.

HOBBIT HIT BY AUSTERITY MEASURES

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films have been hit by the economic crisis and have had to make cuts which are already evident from the trailers.

Expensive CGI special effects have been replaced by lumpy cartoons, sock puppets and the dwarves and hobbits have all been magically reduced in size by brutal medieval ‘aesthetic amputation’ methods.

Fran Walsh – Hobbit and Lord of the Rings screenwriter – moans: ‘Oh Jeez, we’ve had to cut so many corners. We employ children and we pay them in sweets. And we can’t afford Sir Ian McKellen so we’ve just re-cut some out takes and we’re trying to slot them in.’
Concerns over safety issues were raised however when Martin Freeman who plays Bilbo was rushed to hospital after falling over in a suit made entirely of mirrors, cutting himself badly. ‘That was the invisibility special effect,’ Freeman said, weeping piteously like a little girl. ‘I think I killed Gollum.’
Instead of the convoluted process of creating via a combination of CGI and motion capture, Gollum will be played by an unusually large frog that Peter Jackson has been stretching with his own hands.

THE HOBBIT WILL BE LONGER THAN THE BOOK

NEW ZEALAND – When it is complete Peter Jackson’s The Hobbit quadrology will join the prestigious Whitaker list of films that are longer to watch than the book they come from is to read.

Peter (Lidl) Whitaker began compiling the list one Sunday afternoon, because ‘it was raining and there was nothing on television.’ He reads the source book in one sitting and times it.

 
‘I’m a fairly quick reader,’ says Whitaker, who lives in New Jersey with his elderly parents. ‘I can do about fifty pages in an hour.’
 
Once the reading time is established, Whitaker compares it to the running time of the adaptation. If it is shorter then the film is added to the list. Without some severe editing and maybe dropping a film or two, The Hobbit looks likely to join the company of Death in Venice, Apocalypse Now and The Passion of the Christ. Pete Jackson has reacted to the news with characteristic fury.

 ‘The Whitaker List?’ he said, leaving a restaurant in Wellington, New Zealand. ‘I’ve never heard of it.’    

The Frighteners 2 is due for release in 2016