THE VIKINGS GETS MOVIE SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – Popular TV show The Vikings is to get a big movie treatment.

The History Channels The Vikings is finally to get a big screen outing, it was announced today. Fans of the show will however be disappointed to learn that it won’t star any of the original cast. Travis Fimmel, Katheryn Winnick and Gabriel Byrne have all denied they are appearing in the new version. A History Channel source to the Studio Exec:

We wanted to go with something tried and tested. Kirk Douglas will play Einar and Tony Curtis is playing Erik. I’m very pleased to announce that Ernest Borgnine is coming back to play Ragnar.

But Tony Curtis… Kirk Douglas… Aren’t they a little old, or dead?

The story is a little different. Erik and Einar are half brothers, though actually Erik is of noble birth. They have this massive horn that they blow and they run along the oars for fun. Then fights and battles break out and they throw axes at girls to cut off their braids.

Wait. This sounds like the 1958…

The important point here is that although people will say: look they’ve just re-released that film that’s always on television at Easter. What they really mean is: this is an amazingly original and accurate reproduction of how Vikings actually lived in the 1950s.

The Vikings will be released in 2018.

HISTORY AND DISCOVERY CHANNELS HOST NAZI SHARK WEEK

HOLLYWOOD – In a unique collaboration, the History Channel and Discovery are going to broadcast Nazi Shark Week early next year.

The season will a week long program of documentaries, quiz shows and Nazi Shark themed films that will appeal to fans of Nazi history and the most dangerous predator of the oceans and those who like Nazi Sharks as well.

Presenter John Cusack told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

People have been fascinated by sharks for centuries, but many do not know how closely they hold to the tenets of National Socialism as espoused by Adolph Hitler. In this season of informative and educational programs, the Discovery and History Channels will show how sharks aided and abetted the Dictator’s rise to power from a so-so painter in Munich to a man who caused the death of millions.

The season kicks off with a three hour marathon Nuremberg Rally shot off the coast of Australia where the rise of the far right sharks have worried surfers and the Australian government for the past five years. Then there will be a series of historical documentaries about the beginnings of shark fascism in Italy, the roles sharks played in maintaining international neutrality in the midst of the Spanish Civil War and Hitler’s infamous Das Shark battalions that fought alongside the U-Boat fleet. Throughout the week there will be updates from Great White Supremacist Shark Watch, which follows a family of Great White Sharks who will be living with a black family to see if they can’t find common ground.

Shark Week begins on January the 13th, 2015. 

SCIENCE CHANNEL COMMISSIONS THE CREATION

HOLLYWOOD – Following the unbelievable success of the History Channel’s The Bible, the Science Channel have announced the new six part docu-drama The Creation, which will seek ‘to redress the bias towards fact’ in previous documentaries about the origin of the Universe.

Dr. Chip Stadler of the Faith Based Science Institute (FABSI) said:

We have gathered together a team of the top scientists from all around the world – astrophysicists, evolutionary biologists and geologists – and we’ve locked them in a room so they won’t interfere with us as we read the Bible and speak in tongues.  

Dr. Chip argues that the Universe was created by Our benevolent Father, that human beings were created in the Garden of Eden, that women were rib derived and that Noah’s flood reshaped much of the Earth and left maritime ‘fossils’ on mountain tops.

The Earth and the Universe for that matter is only 10,000 years old and the advantage for us is that we only need a six episode show to explain this. If you believed the old communists in the official scientific community, you’d need a twelve part show. 

President Barack Obama – or someone who looks very like him – will be appearing in the role of cancer.  

The Creation will screen in the Fall.

‘THE BIBLE’ PRODUCERS DEFEND CASTING: THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO US

HOLLYWOOD – Producers of the hit TV mini-series The Bible Roma Downey and Mark Burnett responded angrily to criticism that they had cast a Moroccan actor in the role of Satan because of a striking resemblance to President Barack Obama.

‘He is a fine actor who has appeared many times in Biblical style epics and was cast long before we even knew who Obama was,’ said an unknown source. ‘The casting is historically accurate in every way. Satan was tall, thin, of a dark complexion, and believed in socialized medicine and gay marriage.’

The casting has come in for praise by such intellectuals such as Glenn Beck, who in a sophisticated piece of satirical foolery refuses even to name Barack Obama in his daily screeds and rants. His observations were joined by many bloggers and tweets noticing the same resemblance although drawing vastly different conclusions.
Jesus – on the other hand – is played by uncontroversial choice Diogo Whitey White Morgado. Like Jesus, Diogo is Portuguese and white, has a beard and is popular at parties. ‘When I first got the role, I thought yeah,’ said Diogo. ‘Then I saw there were quite a few lines to learn, I thought oh. Then I thought well, never mind. And I did it.’
So the moral to take away from this is… wait a minute why are the History Channel showing this mumbo jumbo?