SEAN SPICER TO HOST THE OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump’s former press secretary Sean Spicer will host the 90th edition of the Motion Picture Academy Awards in 2018.

Sean Spicer’s journey from despised turd to semi-ironic despised turd continues. Following his appearance on the Emmys, the Melissa McCarthy lookalike is set to host the 90th Oscars ceremony on March 8, 2018. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Sean was full of beans:

I am sooo excited. There’ll be singing and dancing. I love movies and fame and what not. To tell you the truth when they fired me I thought that’s it for the Spicer. Who is going to want me now? But little did I know that this is America and even when people think you’re a vacuous piece of lying shit, they still want ruffle your hair as long as your rich and famous.

What are you going to do?

I’m going to do that joke about how there are millions watching the show. And then I’m going to say ‘period’ like I did in real life and I was serious. And everyone is going to laugh. It’ll be funny because it’s true. Also, I’d like to do some political humor. I could tell that joke about how Hitler never gassed anybody. Hey, if Billy Crystal and Woody Allen can say ‘Jew this’ and ‘Jew that’, I don’t see why I can’t!

Are you worried about taking on such a big role as a relative amateur?

That’s what we all thought about Donald Trump and now look where we are! Ha ha. No but seriously. If James Franco and Ann Hathaway can do it, I’m sure I’ll be fine.

How does Donald Trump feel about your job?

He’ll appear as a surprise guest! And we’ll all ruffle his hair. It’ll be hilarious. Other guests include Steve Bannon and the Mooch are going to do a tap dancing/ contortionist act. David Duke is doing a skit about diversity. Who know there were that number of different types of blond hair? And Scott Baio and Kid Rock are going to sing ‘Imagine’ while pissing on a picture of Hillary Clinton! But you know, ironically.

The Oscars will be on March 8, 2018.

 

VLADIMIR PUTIN WINS US ELECTION

WASHINGTON – Vladimir Putin is the surprise winner of the US Presidential election, 2016.

Russian Premier Vladimir Putin will be the 45th President of the United States of America, voters have decided, amidst worries that the Russian hack might have gone deeper than previously thought. FBI director James Comey is currently writing a letter.

CNN report that Vladimir Putin has managed to clinch 400 electoral votes, far beyond the 270 needed and 98% of the popular vote. The news came as a shock as the former head of the KGB wasn’t even officially on the ballot.

Hillary Clinton’s concession came immediately via email, forwarded by Julian Assange whereas Donald Trump was the first to congratulate the Russian politician.

FBI director James Comey is currently writing a letter.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

LARRY VAUGHN TAKES LEAD IN THE POLLS

AMITY – Independent Presidential candidate Larry Vaughn looks set to steal the election from the two former favorites Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump.

Following a week of scandals, outsider Larry Vaughn is about to pull off one of the biggest upsets in US political history. Despite criticisms of his ‘keeping the beaches open’ policy, the former mayor of Amity leads all the polls by seven points. Florida is the latest state to topple for Vaughn, but Arizona, Nevada and Idaho are expected to follow suit on Tuesday.

His running mate Walter Peck told the Studio Exec that Larry Vaughn is leading a movement:

People are just so mad about mainstream politicians always talking down to them. Donald Trump grabbing pussy and Hillary Clinton’s shenanigans turn people off. But Larry tells is how it is.

With his anti-vandalism policy – ‘Hang them up by their Buster Browns!’ – and his support of small business, Vaughns speaks to the hopes and aspirations of a middle class  who feel Washington has let them down. At his rallies, Vaughners dress in anchor themed jackets and chant ‘You Yell Shark! You Yell Shark!’, often drowning out Vaughn’s speeches. The rhetoric is often fiery though short on policy detail, other than the much repeated refrain of ‘I’m not going to stand here and see that thing cut open and see that little Kintner boy spill out all over the dock.’

For more on Larry Vaughn’s meteoric rise to power, CLICK HERE.

WERNER HERZOG ON THE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATES

LAS VEGAS – Famed Bavarian film director Werner Herzog popped in to the Studio Exec bungalow to give his take on the Donald Trump Hillary Clinton Presidential Debates.

Never in my life have I been witness to a scene of such obsidian darkness, primal savagery and moral corruption as that which I witnessed in Las Vegas on Wednseday evening, and remember, I worked closely with Klaus Kinski for many years, including the ones where he thought he was Jesus and wanted to wear my face skin as a cycling hat.

With the usual science fiction scenery, the flags of Star Fleet and two podiums like an interstellar quiz show, the scene was set. It is this way that US politics are decided, I understand. A lumbering seething manimal with orange hair had beeen poured into one of those rectangular metal suits, designed to disguise obesity and with slit-like eyes that did nothing to hide the alligator brain at work within, strobing over the audience, the moderator and his rival. The woman, who will most likely become the first female president of the United States, reminded me of Miss Marple from the Agatha Christie books, in the sense that wherever she goes murder is sure to follow. The man charged with keeping the bloodshed to a minimum and spittle off the screen was Chris Wallace, a ‘journalist’ from Fox News. The fact that anyone from this venal station in which door slamming is translated into English should be hired as a ‘moderator’ tells us exactly where we are in this genocidal country.

Language was torn from its roots and flung about with scant regard for sense or logic. The meaning of the words themselves ran in shame, out into the desert air of Nevada. There was talk of babies being ripped limb from limb and nuclear weapons being used on a whim, of countries being destroyed and made great again and people being shot in the streets for simply wanting to go to shops at the bottom of those streets. And yet none of the politicians suggested moving the shops to the top of the streets to reduce the risk! There was a ‘Nasty Woman’ and a ‘Puppet President’ and in the end everyone looked appalled at themselves and yet remarkably happy at the same time. I looked down at my hand and found I had accidentally driven a three inch nail into my palm so that the agony would distract me from the spectactle I was unfortunate enough to witness.

For more Werner Herzog, CLICK HERE.

PORN PARODY VERSION OF THE ELECTION ‘EXACTLY THE SAME AS THE ELECTION’

HOLLYWOOD – The porn parody version of the 2016 Presidential election will be more or less exactly the same as the election, producer Sprig Bones announced today.

Sprig’s production company Moist Films bought the rights for a porn parody version of the presidential election directly from the White House earlier this year in an initiative called Porn Pays its Way. Actors have been cast and filming is currently underway but director Maxwell Hung told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the difficulties of developing the film:

Usually it’s easy. We cast some lookalikes and get it on. We already have the Oval Office set from last cycle and some of the same cast are appearing in walk on roles. Our many difficulty has been making the porn version different from reality. What Hillary shimmying and Donald Trump talking about grabbing pussy, this guy basically lives in the same porn universe as we do. In the end we decided not to change that much and just film what was coming in from CNN.

The Porn Presidential Election will be released on November 8.

 

WHITE HOUSE COPY OF WEEKEND AT BERNIE’S GOES MISSING

HOLLYWOOD – The White House copy of the film Weekend at Bernie’s has gone missing, a source close to Obama administration revealed.

President Obama has long been a fan of Eighties brat pack comedy hit starring Andrew McCarthy, Jonathan Silverman and Terry Kiser. However, from Wednesday the VHS copy of the film has gone missing. A spokesperson for the White House told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s weird because the film isn’t exactly valuable. But President Obama had a conference with Hillary Clinton’s security detail and the Chiefs of the Armed Forces. We don’t know what was discussed… something about a strategy or something. The next day I couldn’t find the film.

President Obama however has refused to comment on the apparent theft and will tonight be watching Beastmaster.

THE FARRELLY BROTHERS TO MAKE MOVIE OF GOP CONVENTION

HOLLYWOOD – The Farrelly Brothers are to return to gross out comedy with a film based on the 22016 GOP convention.

The team who brought us Dumb and Dumber, There’s Something About Mary, Shallow Hal and Dumb and Dumber To are to make a motion picture based on the Republican Convention which closes in Cleveland tonight.

Peter and Bobby Farrelly spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about their new project. Peter spoke first:

We came down to the convention as we just wanted to soak up the vibe but pretty soon we just started filming. The original idea was to use that material as research material basically. And write a script off of that, exaggerating and what not for comic effect. It turns out that we can basically just use the footage we have. There is nothing that we can think of which is grosser or more comic than what we witnessed.

Bobby added:

If anything, we have too much material. I don’t know what’s funnier, Ted Cruz getting booed or Melania Trump copying Michelle Obama’s speech! Perhaps it’s Ben Carson insisting that Hillary Clinton is inspired by Lucifer, or Chris Christie performing some kind of mock trial of the former Secretary of State. It was sick and crazy and that’s coming from the guy who was involved in Movie 43.

The Republican Convention concludes this evening with a speech from Donald Trump.

SEAN PENN ENDORSES DONALD TRUMP

WASHINGTON – An apparently confused Sean Penn endorsed Donald Trump for President last night and will be speaking at the Republican National Convention.

Actor and part time journalist Sean Penn shocked the political and show business world by endorsing Donald Trump last night. In a statement issued via YouTube, the Mystic River and I am Sam star stated that he was officially supporting Donald Trump for President because of the tycoon’s promise to create employment in Mexico.

I have a very deep relationship with Mexico. It is a troubled country with many problems, not least of all unemployment. Mr. Trump is promising to not only build a wall, but is insisting that Mexico build it. This will give a much needed boost to the Mexican building sector and will also provide jobs for many of those who build it. Bricklayers, the guys who mix cement, truck drivers. It’s going to be great. Mr. Trump is also the only politician to really understand how to react to the threat of terrorism. His proposal to start a band for Muslims, for all Muslims is a great and original idea. All those energies will be put into creating music, which everyone knows is a great communicator of love and peace. As John Lennon once asked ‘who is the Walrus?’

Many expressed shock at Mr. Penn’s endorsement. Bernie Sanders said that he was disappointed in Mr. Penn but not surprised.

I had long conversations with Sean and am a great admirer of his work but after we talked for about an hour it became increasingly obvious to me that he understands only about every sixth word you say to him.

The Election will go on and on until we are all dead.

DONALD TRUMP ANNOUNCES HIS VP RUNNING MATE: CHEWBACCA MOM

NEW YORK – Donald Trump has announced that his running mate and pick for Vice President will be Chewbacca Mom.

In a move that might once more shift the voting for November’s presidential elections, tycoon and presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump has picked Candace Payne AKA Chewbacca Mom to be his running mate.

She is a wonderful person. She’s so positive. She has one of those laughs. What do you call it…? A contagious laugh! That’s it. She’s just great. She is strong on policy and she just makes you want to smile and forget stuff for a while. And let me tell you something else. Talk about heart. She has a big heart. She can sing a Michael Jackson song! And in these times of great racial divide and violence and fear, because things are going wrong, we need that. Let’s make America Laugh behind a Star Wars Piece of Merchandizing Again!

However, there was some confusion as to Mr. Trump’s pick and specifically if he had actually informed Chewbaccca Mom who had spent the day learning Ebony and Ivory in preparation for a Peace rally later that day. However, some political operators see Trumps pick as a slam dunk.

She appeals to women, she appeals to geeks, she appeals to moms, she is media savvy and she’ll pick up all Michael Jackson fans and give Donald Trump some much needed reach out in the black community as a result. Hillary Clinton will be looking over he shoulder with a little more fear now.

Hillary Clinton has yet to announce her running mate but Angry Splash Mountain Lady and the ridiculously good looking felon are both in the running.

The Presidential Election will never end.  Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DONALD TRUMP VOWS TO CONTROL THE SPICE MELANGE

WASHINGTON – Donald Trump has sent shock waves through the political establishment by swearing to take complete control of the Spice Melange and by extension the ability to navigate the known universe.

We have got used to Donald Trump’s shock and awe political campaign but today he came out with perhaps the biggest pronouncement so far of the presumptive Republican nominee for president: to control the Spice Melange.

Speaking at a rally in Arkansas, Mr. Trump said:

Everyone’s talking about the oil. The oil. We need oil. And then there’s all the climate change hysterics talking about renewables, but one of these bozos know how the world works the way I do. What we as a country have to understand is that whoever controls the Spice, controls the universe. With the Spice the Navigators Guild will bow to our every demand and the Galactic Empire will become the US Empire. It’ll be beautiful. And so it is for this reason that on my first day in office I will be ordering the invasion of Arakis and the taking of the Spice. Let’s make Arakis great again!

The statement increased suspicion that Mr. Trump’s campaign was being unduly influenced by his Harkonnen family ties. A visibly angry President Obama took the unusual decision to intervene in the ongoing electoral campaign:

Everybody knows that the planet Arakis has been controlled by the Atreides family for as long as we can remember. And Mr. Trump believes that we’re just going to waltz in and take it away from him? How? With what? We don’t have any interplanetary space ships. We can’t ride sand worms. The Fremen our hostile to our intentions. So how is this going to happen? And if he thinks that we haven’t thought about it, then he is sorely mistaken.

The President went on to address some of Mr. Trump’s criticisms of his own policy and language:

And let me say this. His continued insistence that I use the word Dune when describing Arakis is doing more damage to our relations with the rest of the Galaxy than anything else he has come out with so far.

For more on Donald Trump, click here.

LARRY VAUGHN WINS BIG ON SUPER TUESDAY

WASHINGTON – Former Amity Major Larry Vaughn looks to have his hands on the GOP Presidential nomination following a strong performance on Super Tuesday.

Despite having come into the Presidential nomination race late, Larry Vaughn has gone from novelty to likely candidate, having won big on Super Tuesday. Following his win in Nevada, Vaughn has taken seven of the eleven states up for grabs tonight. Winning big in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Tennessee, Vermont and Virginia, Vaughn is also expected to take Alaska. Rival Ted Cruz won home state of Texas while Hillary Clinton swept the South, strengthening her claim to be the Democrat nominee.

In a victory speech in Georgia, Vaughn repeated his campaign promises to build a coastal wall against shark attacks, introduce karate chopping proof fences and hang offenders up ‘by their Buster Browns!’ Despite having had a tough week in the press with high profile critic oceanographer Matt Hooper once more attacking him, Vaughn’s optimism and breezy style seems to have captured the enthusiasm of the Republican base. He told cheering fans:

We are going to the White House. We are going to be the next President of the United States of America. We are not going to let that Kintner boy spill out all over the dock!

For more on Vaughn 2016, CLICK HERE.

STUDIO EXEC ENDORSES LARRY VAUGHN FOR PRESIDENT

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec has announced that following his win in Nevada, Larry Vaughn is the only Presidential candidate who can take this country back.

The Studio Exec has largely tried to stay above the political fray that is currently sweeping our great nation. Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton on the part of the Democrats and Donald Trump, Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz on the part of the GOP have been locked in endless coil, littering our newspapers and the internet with copious amounts of entertainment: none of it amusing, some of it scary. His surprise triumph in the Republican Primaries in Nevada has seen previously little known mayor Larry Vaughn thrust into the national limelight. And the Studio Exec has decided.

Only Larry can save this country and keep the beaches open. After all, Larry is a friend of business – more so perhaps than Donald Trump. He has a good relationship with law enforcement, able to control the law and make sure that it does his bidding. He has a good rapport also with the locals. If you need a shark fisherman, Larry knows where to go, or at least he used to. The last one died. Larry Vaughn isn’t exactly a man you can trust, but he is a politician and I’d rather have a politician run the country than a fictional character like Donald Trump.

I will be wielding the considerable power of The Studio Exec media empire and placing it at Larry’s disposal.

After all, his kids were on that beach too.

If you want to support Larry Vaughn for President, join the conversation in the comments box below.

For more political news on the progress of Larry Vaughn’s Presidential Bid CLICK HERE.

13 HOURS REVEALS OBAMA’S KEY BENGHAZI ROLE

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay’s new film 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi features a scene in which the President of the United States Barack Obama is portrayed as leading the attack against the US compound.

Action director Michael Bay’s new film about the Benghazi attack  – 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – has caused controversy for a scene which clearly shows President Obama organizing and leading the attack against the US compound.

Michael Bay defended his film to the Studio Exec, saying:

We have carefully researched the events leading up to and including the attack on the compound. Until now we have always thought that there were a series of mistakes prior to the attack and then following it, lies and media manipulation about what happened. Now we also know that President Obama personally organised the attack and himself donned a disguise and took part in the assault against US forces.

Oh my God!

I know. We were happy to give him and Hillary Clinton a fair shake, but this evidence is too damning.

So what evidence do you have?

Well, at first none. But as we were going over the footage that we had gathered of the demonstrations and what not we began to see a figure who looked familiar. The quality of the images weren’t great and then it occurred to me, if giant robots can disguise themselves as cars and trucks, why can’t a US President – this US President – disguise himself as a terrorist and carry out his secret plan?

That’s the evidence?

It all came together. It all makes sense.

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi is released Thursday.

MY FAVORITE FILM: HILLARY CLINTON

WASHINGTON – Hello, my name is Hillary Clinton and the Studio Exec, a very close friend of my husband, has asked my if I will choose my favorite film and write about.

I suppose the first thing I have to say is that it is not Black Hawk Down; and it isn’t You’ve Got Mail. So let’s nip that rumor in the bud right away. No, my favorite film has to be Back to the Future. I just think the film is charming. Marty McFly, played by the wonderful Michael J. Fox, is just an average school kid who loves skateboarding, playing his guitar and listening to top youth music band Huey Lewis and the News. However, when he is sent back in time by Doc Brown, played by Christopher Lloyd who I already loved from Taxi, he inadvertently prevents his mother and father from meeting. Somehow he must arrange their first kiss otherwise he will cease to exist.

Back to the Future is undoubtedly the finest time travel movie ever made. I think what I love about it is that it shows that you can escape the past and you don’t have to be beholden to mistakes you might have made a long time ago. There is something exhilarating in seeing George McFly, Marty’s father, becoming a different person under his son’s tutelage. What if the fifties could learn from the eighties? the film seems to ask. In my own situation, sure there are mistakes I wish I could rectify that would change who I am today, but at the same time I am who I am because of the road that brought me here.

It’s also interesting to see how prescient the film is. Middle Eastern terrorists are a risk, but so is the local bully Biff. Technology is amazing with flying cars predicted as well and here we are and we almost have them. So the lesson seems to be you can go back in time, tinker a little bit and in that way fix the present. And I am the candidate who best represents that idea.

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.