HILARY SWANK’S IMMIGRANT HUNT

NEW YORK – Earlier today Showtime announced a new reality show starring Million Dollar Baby star Hilary Swank and entitled The Hilary Swank Immigrant Hunt.

‘The plan is simple,’ says show runner, Herman Shrinkle. ‘Hilary flies around the Mexican American border in her helicopter until she identifies some illegal immigrant, may be a family of them, and then she takes them down with a high powered rifle.’

Hilary Swank is renowned for her hatred of Human Rights and says she is looking forward to laying down some cruel and unusual punishment on their sub-human asses.

When I grew up we were kind of poor and we had to make a lot of sacrifices and I can imagine if I’d been living in a poorer country wanting to go to a richer one. But I would also have understood that by doing that I was signing a social contract that would allow a beautiful hard body Oscar winning actress to hunt me down and possibly kill me for the entertainment of fat people.

Hilary says that there will be a great deal of variety to the show.

I’ll be initially in the helicopter but we’re also going to shows where I hunt them down on foot clad in a bikini with armed with a Bowie knife. I’ll also have guests such as Steven Seagal and Anne Hathaway who will help me in securing our borders.

 The Hilary Swank Immigrant Hunt starts Friday.

HILARY SWANK: ‘IT’S ALL RIGHT TO SHOOT HOMELESS PEOPLE’

HOLLYWOOD – In another PR blunder, Oscar winner Hilary Swank has told a French fashion magazine that ‘It’s alright to shoot homeless people if you don’t mean to kill them, but just want to, you know, wing them.’

The Million Dollar Baby in person told Valeria Homage, the editor for Parisian based glossie Chapeau, that many Hollywood actresses going on hobo hunting sprees as a way of relieving the tension. ‘Many of us have to watch our figure,’ Swank said. ‘We are constantly pressure and criticized and every word we say, the clothes we wear, all of it is watched and judged. So to help feel better we dress as ninjas and head off to the hobo jungles with some firearms. The game is to … you know … hit an elbow or a kneecap. If you kill one that’s definitely bad taste.’

Private Island

Although Ms. Swank refused to name names, she did say that ‘Bat Girl’ has a private island and ships in homeless people from Eastern Europe that she then hunts in a helicopter using a powerful rifle with telescopic sights. ‘It’s Anne’s way of relaxing,’ Hilary giggles before covering her mouth and coquettishly realizing she might have made a blunder.

Ms. Swank was in trouble in 2012 having performed at a concert for Chechen leader widely famed for his human rights abuses. Rumors that she was paid in human ears have since been proved false. ‘Why would I want to be paid in ears?’ she said. ‘If I wanted an ear, believe me I could get one myself.’

Ms. Hathaway was not available for comment, as she was at her island retreat ‘relaxing’.