OSCAR ISAAC IS BERT IN MARY POPPINS: REDUX

HOLLYWOOD – Disney+ have announced Oscar Isaac is Bert in their all new Mary Poppins Cinematic Universe. The Star Wars heart-throb has impressed with his authentic English accent in Marvel’s upcoming Moon Knight. On the strength of that performance, he will play a modern day Bert in Disney’s update of the beloved classic. The Exec spoke with Oscar about his next project.

Oscar Isaac Is Bert! How Did That Come About?

Everyone loved my accent in the latest Moon Knight trailer that just dropped. The guys at Marvel and Disney had been looking for someone who could take over from Dick Van Dyke, heard me and before you can say Gawd Blimey, Wotcher Meery, I was cast as Bert. It surely is a draym carm trooo.

What Was That?

Sorry, I slipped into character for a second.

Has Anyone Else Been Cast?

I don’t want to break any rules but I’m sure it won’t hurt to let on that they’re going to go with a different concept or actor to play Mary every episode. It’ll be kinda like what they did for Bob Dylan in I’m Not There. Everyone remembers that massive hit, cor blimey guv!

How’s That Going To Work?

One episode they’ll have Helena Bonham Carter doing her thing, next week Kristen Wiig. Then for one episode they’ll have an iPad with Cocomelon playing on it. That’s how most kids are raised these days, cor blimey, pound-a-pound mushrooms, feed the bards tarppence.

So It’s Going To Be A TV Series And Not A Movie?

Yeah, that’s where all the decent content is nowadays. Look at the shit Disney and Marvel release as films now. They keep all the good stuff to stream. Guaranteed revenue streams aint it mate. Fees up Mother Brown!

But What About The Latest Spider-Man Movie? That’s The Highest Grossing Movie Ever.

That was down to Sony. Those f**kers, I mean, those rotters insisted on a cinematic release and they pushed the budget up, cor blimey. If that had been pure Marvel, no way would they have brought back Garfield and Maguire. They got lucky. If that property goes back 100% to Sony, they’ll f**k it up like they always did. Look what they did with Star Wars.

That Was Disney.

It was? Well bugger me backwards with me old boots. I’m up shit alley without a flick knife, I is and I aint. Blimey guv!

Burt And Mary Begins Production Shortly

OCEAN’S EIGHT RUINS MAN’S EARLY MIDDLE AGE

ALASKA – The new female led Oceans film – Ocean’s Eight – has ruined a man’s early middle age, it was revealed today.

The 2017 remake of the 2001 remake of the 1960 Frank Sinatra relatively uninspired rat pack movie Ocean’s Eight will star Sandra Bullock in the Danny Ocean role as well as Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter and Mindy Kalin. Joining the cast will possibly be Rihanna and Anne Hathaway. However, the news has been greeted with despair by some fans of the original remake.

Richard LeComte Mets fan and theatre critic told the Studio Exec:

I was forty three when the original film came out. I remember queuing to see it with my first wife. We both like George Clooney and Brad Pitt for obviously different reasons. And we thought of Matt Damon as that promising young actor from Good Will Hunting and not the monster he has become. So the impact on my middle age can’t be overstated. It was vitally important in making me the man I would become a decade and a half later. And to have that film ruined again. After it was already ruined by Ocean’s 12 and 13 is just more than I can bear. I mean… women. What’s gotten into them?

Ocean’s Eight will be in cinemas in 2017.

BFI SEASON OF FILMS INSPIRED BY THE FALL

LONDON – This summer the BFI are programming a whole season of films inspired by the music and lyrics of British post-punk band The Fall, led by Mark E. Smith.

Seven films will be shown at the BFI on London’s South Bank from June the 19th to June the 29th, 2015, comprising some obscure works that took as their titles song lyrics from the musical opus of the Manchester based band. Programmer Nathanial Bisculo spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Very few people know about these films because of a kind of collective curse. But throughout the 80s and 90s, it became chic for every film director of any kind of international reputation to make what became known as their ‘The Fall’ film.

The season kicks off with Roland Joffe’s Spoilt Victorian Child, a period drama starring Helena Bonham Carter as Adeline, the titular Nineteenth Century brat who comes of age in an era of covered table legs and incipient prostitution. A commercial and critical disaster the film is no longer available on DVD and so the rare print that the BFI acquired will offer the rarest of occasions to view this lost classic. Roman Polanski’s black comedy set in a deserted British seaside town – actually filmed in Stockport – British People in Hot Weather, features a wonderful performance by Donald Pleasance as the Punch and Judy man, who goes on a murderous rampage. Eat Y’Self Fitter was made my David Lynch between Blue Velvet and Wild at Heart but because it ran into trouble with censors, this Nicolas Cage starring tale of auto-cannibalism never saw the light of day. Martin Scorsese’s Hip Priest along with Sofia Coppola’s Code Selfish with be shown as a double bill, both films having been saved by annihilation by the personal intervention of the British Prime Minister David Cameron, who rates The Fall as almost as good as Chris Rhea.

This Nation’s Saving Grace: The Films and The Falll will take place at London’s Southbank from June the 19th to the 29th, 2015. Biscuits will be made available.

JOHNNY DEPP JOINS TIM BURTON’S DUMBO

HOLLYWOOD – It sounds like a stupid f*cking idea but Tim Burton is going to make a live action version of Disney classic Dumbo starring Johnny Depp as the eponymous elephant.

We had an opportunity to speak to Johnny Depp EXCLUSIVELY and this is what he had to say:

I’ve always loved the cartoon version of Dumbo and I think this is a classic Tim Burton story and a classic Johnny Depp character. Dumbo is after all an outsider who has exceptional abilities – he can fly – and I will be totally inhabiting the character. I’ve started working on my look.

Will they be using CGI?

No. Not at all. I’ll be putting on the ears! Ha ha. Seriously, though, I really don’t like that kind of trickery when it comes to performance. It’s against an actor’s integrity. My art is in my ability to physically transform myself into whatever character I please and disappear into the character so that the audience is left saying ‘Wow! Johnny Depp looks really different!’

Any other casting news in the pipeline?

It’s obvious that Helena Bonham Carter will be the gypsy in the circus, because she’s kind of married to Tim Burton and they live together and he really loves her. So that’s sweet. She’s also a great actress.

What do you say to critics who say you’ve thrown your talent away on a series of big budget extravaganzas in which you dress up rather than act?

I’m sorry, what was the question? I was too money and didn’t hear.

Dumbo will be released in 2016.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HELENA BONHAM CARTER

HELENA BONHAM CARTER ALERT – Get ready for a factoid shower that will dissolve the amassed icing on the disintegrated wedding cake of not knowing.

  1. Helena Bonham Carter comes from a long family of humble carters, who would cart luggage and vegetables around on carts for tuppence. Helena herself learned carting but was saved from a life time of drudgery by the intervention of a fat prostitute called Mavis. Her mother still continues the family trade and will often cart about her daughter’s vegetables whenever Helena is in ‘town’.
  2. In A Room with a View – based on the novel by Federick Forsythe – Helena’s room did in actual fact have a view, but it was digitally enhanced by James Cameron.
  3. David Fincher originally cast Helena Bonham Carter as Tyler Durden, but changed his mind when he realised that ‘it was a really dumb idea’. The character of Marla was invented because Fincher was too embarrassed to tell Helena of the mistake.
  4. Helena Bonham Carter is married to Timothy Burton, the imaginative genius who gave us a load of remakes of crap television shows and Planet of the Apes. He insists she auditions for any role she wants, but if he turns her down she waits until he is asleep and then cuts off his toes with rose sheers. He only has two toes left on his right foot.
  5. Helena Bonham Carter’s dinner parties are famous throughout Hollywood and the British theatrical world, especially for their bizarre menus and sadistic Bunuel style games. She will often have her mother cart the vegetables to the house only to roundly criticize her before the assembled guests for her lack of social mores.
For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

HELENA BONHAM CARTER TO MARRY BRITISH PRIME MINISTER

LONDON – Helena Bonham Carter – daughter of legendary Led Zeppelin drummer and star of the bad Planet of the Apes – is to marry British Prime Minister, David Cameron.

The news came in an interview with the British tabloid newspaper The Guardian. ‘I love David Cameron,’ the actress told the interviewer. 

He’s witty and very clever and oh, just dreamy with his big potato-y head. He looks like Buzz Lightyear!

When reminded that not only was David Cameron already married, but Bonham Carter herself was as well, she acted not for the first time indifferent(ly).

I don’t care. I’m going to ditch Timmy [Burton] like a Nazi boyfriend at a bar mitzvah and Dave will leave ‘that bitch’. And we’re just going to stay in all day, probably having nooky. He can tell all his mates in the government: ‘You look after shafting the poor and protecting the rich for a few months, I’ve got some hot totty that needs heaps of Dave love.’ And they’ll say, ‘Yeah’.   

Reaction from Downing Street came shortly after the publication of the interview. A short note addressed ‘from the Office of the Prime Minister David Cameron stated briefly:

Ms. Bonham Carter is a respected actress of the highest calibre but marriage is utterly out of the question as the Prime Minister is already happily married. However, if Ms. Bonham Carter would like a snog the Prime Minister will be happy to oblige as long as no one tells his wife.

Helena Bonham Carter will next be seen in Tim Burton’s next film The Premature Burial.