CRONENBERG V CRONENBERG DEATHMATCH ON HBO MAX

MOVIE NEWS – A live televised Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will air on HBO Max this coming Fall. The father and son directors get all Oedipal as they decide once and for all which one wears the crown. The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will stream live on HBO Max in the USA. Amazon Prime will live stream the fight in all other territories.

Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch : The Background

Senior Cronenberg David, had moved away from his staple diet of body horror based movies in recent years. The Canadian auteur had recently made a slew of critically acclaimed films dealing with hard hitting topics outside of the horror genre. With films such as A History Of Violence, Eastern Promises and A Dangerous Method, he explored the darker side of human nature while staying away from his horror roots. He also explored Viggo Mortensen with his old fella out a fair amount.

Long Live The New Flesh

But that all changed when David’s son, Brandon scored a critical success with his film Viral. The film dealt with issues such as celebrity culture and corporate conspiracies. It used the old family tradition of body horror to do so with great effect. Suddenly David was not the only celebrated film maker at the Cronenberg table. It wasn’t just him boring everyone shitless at Christmas about ‘body horror this’ or ‘existential paranoia that’. There was a new voice at the other end of the table, beyond the cranberry sauce and Brussel sprouts. A younger voice saying ‘celebrity virus this’, and ‘intrusive technology’ that. The times were indeed a changin’.

I’m Getting Better

David took the challenge to his crown well at first. Publicly, at least. But with the release of last year’s Possessor, Brandon came of Cronenberg age. And his father’s ego did not take well to this young upstart stealing the plaudits. Comments were made in various interviews by both parties and things soon spiraled out of control. It was obvious there was only one way to solve this.

Like Flies Around Shit

As soon as it became clear a Deathmatch was the only way to resolve the family feud, HBO came knocking. They offered to fund and televise the Cronenberg Deathmatch. The winner (and survivor) will be heralded as the head of the Cronenberg film family. The loser will spend their time dragging around whatever bits of metal and machinery they become fused with during the fight. They will question their existence, their place in the world and if there ever really was a physical world before the fusion of flesh and machine. They’ll also receive a runners up medal and HBO gift bag.

The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch Airs On HBO Max and Amazon Prime This Fall.

PATTY JENKINS ARREST WARRANT ISSUED

BREAKING NEWS – After her comments stating that streaming movies do not feel like real movies, a Patty Jenkins arrest warrant has been issued. And so begins a nationwide hunt by both state police and federal agents in response to the Patty Jenkins arrest warrant.

Patty Jenkins Arrest Warrant Public Enemy Number One

With comments such as, ‘I don’t hear about them, I don’t read about them.’ And, ‘they look like fake movies to me.’ The director has burned her bridges as far as film lovers and streaming fans are concerned. In the wake of such embittered public feeling, federal law makers have stepped in to ‘make sure this shit-show doesn’t get out of hand’. They have issued an immediate arrest warrant.

Mob Mentality

Some however, don’t believe the measures have gone far enough and have called for the use of non-lethal force in the course of her capture. Many have taken to Twitter, Facebook and even the streets to protest at her comments.

A Different Opinion? AAAAAAGGGGHH!!

We spoke to Armand Hyperbole, leader of the pressure group ‘Stay The Fuck Away From Streaming. ‘We can’t fucking believe a director of her standing. She’s had a go at poor, defenseless organizations Netflix and Amazon. Who the shit does she think she is? I was happily trolling Chelsea Clinton when my notifications went fucking ape-shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes.’

Blunder Woman

A spokesperson for Warners, the studio behind the Wonder Woman franchise said, ‘Patty’s comments disappointed us deeply. Particularly how our DCEU films have performed at the box office. Because our operating plan will now most likely mean we’ll be kissing Netflix’s, Amazon’s and HBO’s ass. If we want to get any of our films released on their platforms we gotta get the motherfuckers on side.’

More On This Story As It Breaks

SNYDER CUT AS HBO CANCELS JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – HBO cancels Justice League in a shock move.

The much anticipated 4 hour film will release on Tik-Tok as HBO cancels Justice League, The Snyder Cut. The surprise announcement came earlier today as rumours grew and grew about the release of the controversial Snyder Cut of the lackluster blockbuster where heroes muster.

Tik-Tok, Tik-Tok

The 4 hour film will now be released on the micro video sharing site, Tik-Tok in a series of over 1600 posts for comic book fans to watch. Zack Snyder released the following statement to confirm the rumours:

HBO Can Suck It

Subjects, worshippers and Snydians. I, Zack Snyder have parted ways with the evil corporate machine that is HBO. After initially promising me whatever I wanted to finally release the much anticipated Snyder Cut of The Justice League, HBO fucked me. Although calling it The Snyder Cut suggested it already existed, I basically had to shoot the whole fucking thing again. Some of the capitalist douche-bags at HBO lost faith when I showed them images of the brand new villain. They stupidly claim ‘it looks just like the old one, just a bit shinier’. Pricks.

Bullshit

That is of course bullshit, man. It’s totally a different villain-alien thing. His armour is spikier, the hills in the background look greener and, yes I’ll grant you, his armour is shinier. But let’s concentrate on the positive. Those fine, fine people at Tik-Tok have swooped in to save the day just like Iron Man or Spiderman.

Cinema Is Dead

As we all know, cinema is dead. No-one likes going to movie theatres now, we just want to watch stuff on our phones or tablets. Just ask Marty Scorsese or Christopher Nolan, they’ll be the first to agree. Movies just don’t work on the big screen anymore. Movies, especially 4 fucking hour long movies, are best watched in 15 second segments.

It’s Not Me, It’s You

Let’s face it, kids today are totally incapable for concentrating any longer than a few seconds at a time. That’s why no-one went to see any of my last few movies. That’s totally the reason. No other reason could possibly explain how I could take tried and tested cash cows like Batman and Superman and screw the pooch. It wasn’t down to me. It’s the audience’s fault. Fucking jerk offs. So here we are. We’re releasing a 4 hour plus movie on a platform that only allows 15 second videos. It’s great, totally great. It’s fine. Totally fine.

The Justice League Snyder Cut Will Be Rolled Out On Tik-Tok In March.

ANA DE ARMAS TO STAR IN BLUE VELVET TV SERIES

HOLLYWOOD – Ana De Armas to star in Blue Velvet tv limited series for HBO.

Ana de Armas will play the doomed nightclub singer Dorothy Valens in a new HBO show based on David Lynch‘s 1986 movie Blue Velvet. The ten episode show will start earlier than the film, showing the build up, but it will also follow the events of the celebrated movie.

Showrunner Eli Roth spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Firstly, I have to say how much I love David Lynch’s original. We’re not going to try and do a carbon copy because what’s the point? Plus, I think times have changed and this timeless story can be updated. It can speak to new generations, who might go back to the original.

How are you going to change it?

We’re getting rid of all that weird stuff. I don’t get it. The bird on the fence and the camera going into the undergrowth. What was that all about? Get rid of all of that. And add a bit more sexy stuff and a ton more gore. That’s what the kids want and more importantly, that’s what I want.

Ana de Armas expressed her joy and wonder at being given the role made famous by Isabella Rossellini:

She is a real complicated portrait of a damaged woman and a femme fatale. I’m also really  looking forward to getting an opportunity to sing. Every episode we’re going to have a nightclub scene and I’ll sing classics from the 50s like Borderline, Papa Don’t Preach and Who’s That Girl?

The roles of Frank and Jeffrey will be announced later. When approached for comment, David Lynch said: ‘Are you f*cking kidding me?’

Blue Velvet will hit HBO soon.

RADICAL DEPARTURE AS WESTWORLD SEASON 4 TO MAKE SENSE

HOLLYWOOD – HBO’s hit show Westworld is to make sense for its final season.

Breaking with tradition, Westworld makers today declared that the show will do something totally new in its fourth season: make sense. The last season saw a precipitous drop in viewing figures, which had already fallen after a successful first season. Although the series received praise for its spectacular design, the convoluted plot caused some consternation. ‘Like trying to eat spaghetti with a paperclip,’ the Guardian wrote. ‘Er, what?’ the New York Times agreed. Even star Ed Harris found his face permanently etched with worry lines as he sought to make sense of it all.

Jonathan Nolan and Lisa Joy sat down with Studio Exec to talk Westworld.

So what can we expect from the coming season?

JN: The first and most obvious thing is we’re going to make the show much easier to understand.

LJ: We both knew that when we watched the episodes of season 3, we had gone too far. They were just so hard to follow. What does Maeve want? Who is Dolores again?

JN: That was the biggest problem. We were asking these questions and we’d written the show.

So it’s going to be simplified.

LJ: Absolutely. We’re going to have the villains clearly delineated. And people aren’t going to have these weird backstories that are suddenly revealed.

JN: We have such great actors working on the show, and we just give them this gobbledigook exposition to spout. I mean, Vincent Cassel. Did you know who he was supposed to be?

Great that sound super. 

LJ: What we want to do is reveal and I suppose this is a spoiler but anyway, we’re going to reveal that the audience are all hosts, basically.

Wait. What?

JN: This is the extra layer we needed. Can you imagine people’s faces when they realize we built them so they can watch the show?

Westworld Season 4 arrives in 2021.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT GAME OF THRONES

HOLLYWOOD – On the eve of the third season premier of Game of Thrones, let the amazing fact dragon Studio Exec breathe a fire of purifying non-fiction into your Hordor-shaped head, dispelling the enchantments of myth concerning the HBO masterpiece of televisual umphka-ba-rumph.

Let the Game of Thrones FACTS commence:

1 The Game of Thrones television series is an adaptation of Danish crime drama Spil af Troner which starred Mads Mikkelsen as a weary alcoholic police inspector, who was weary and alcoholic until a young girl is murdered and then he’s weary and alcoholic and searching for a killer in the white wastes of Northern Denmark.

2 The writer George R.R. Martin is the great grandson of J.R.R. Tolkien, but when an English gentleman has a baby with a dirty Yankie scullion maid (as Grandma Martin then was) offspring are legally allowed to keep only the middle initials. 

3 In adapting the books for the screen, writers changed many names to give the material a more realistic grittier feel. The Banstickitons were changed to the Lannisters; Biggus Dickus was changed to Little Finger and Portcullisarian Ephmayllindyoniousi was changed to Ned Stark. 

4 Peter Jackson has consistently embarrassed himself by publicly praising the use of forced perspective and motion capture to create Peter Dinklage’s character Tyrion Lannister, or the Imp. 

5 The dragons are all from Romania. Seventeen dragons are used in total even though there are only three dragon characters. This is due to Romania’s strict labor laws for mythical creatures, which means any one dragon can only work for four hours a day.

For more FACTS on everything from this to that click HERE! 

GAME OF THRONES SEASON 8 TO CONTAIN A LOT MORE BEER

HOLLYWOOD – HBO today revealed that Game of Thrones Season 8 will contain a substantial increase in beer, but with the same calories.

Game of Thrones Season 8 is only a few short months away but already details are beginning to emerge. A spokesperson close to HBO told the Studio Exec:

There’s going to be a lot more beer. Specifically, Bud Light. And by a lot I mean, it’s not just in the background or being drunk during feast seasons, I mean whole scenes are taken up with discussions about the merits of beer. There’s a character and everything.

You mean like in the Superbowl ad?

Yes, that’s the guy. He’s actually a character.

Fuck!

I know. And we have bits where we see Jon Snow drinking a Heineken and everyone shouts ‘You know nothing Jon Snow’ and shame him into changing to Bud the King of (the North) Beers.

Jesus Christ. Why?

Money. Game of Thrones is incredibly expensive to make and a lot of the money doesn’t come back to HBO because of piracy primarily. So they decided to be more inventive and use product placement to help raise the budget to make the show. These are long episodes as well.

Are there any other products?

One of the characters uses a magic tablet that has a visible Apple icon on it. And everyone eats pop tarts. That gets quite distracting.

Game of Thrones returns April 14th.

DEADWOOD MOVIE GETS GO AHEAD

HOLLYWOOD – It’s the news Deadwood fans have been waiting for: Deadwood: the Motion Picture is going to happen.

The cult HBO Western Deadwood about the inhabitants of the eponymous  frontier town first aired in 2004 and set new standards for swearing on television. Cancelled due to a combination that people only watched it on DVD and the expenses of building a town, news of a movie has been tantalizingly spare, and many had given up hope. 

Timothy Olyphant (star of Justified) said no way; David Milch, the show’s creator, said nix nix, Ian McShane who played the unquotable Al Swearengen said you’ve got to f*cking be kidding me. 

All in fact, except the Studio Exec who yesterday managed to get Richard Plepler the current CEO of HBO in a headlock. It was an intimate function and security backed off  imagining that I was performing the Heimlich maneuver. ‘What’s this about?’ gasped Richard. ‘What the…?’ I told him I was a desperate man. I had to know what happened.

You can’t just leave me hanging like that. Years! Nothing resolved. It’d be like Schubert not finishing a symphony or something.   

There was a lot of spluttering, some sobbing and lots of pleading, but finally I let him go. 

‘You mad bastard,’ he said. He was quite literally spitting blood. ‘I’ll see what I can do.’

Deadwood: The Motion Picture will begin filming once I send Richard the location of his favorite dog.

WESTWORLD SEASON 3 WILL INCLUDE DINOSAURS

HOLLYWOOD – Westworld Season 3 to feature dinosaurs.

Westworld Season 2 is over, but season 3 is already in production and Jonathan Nolan and Lisa Joy popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to spill the beans.

JN: So far we’ve seen Westworld and Shogun World, but we know there are other parks.

LJ: We also saw the Raj.

JN: Oh, yeah I always forget about that one.

So what does the next season have in store?

LJ: So the next season we want to greatly expand. The idea is that the Hosts escape the island. But they find themselves on another island. An island where dinosaurs have been brought back from extinction.

JN: People were so busy asking if they could do it, no one bothered to ask if they should do it.

LJ: So Jurassic World…

But there’s already a film called Jurassic World.

JN: There is?

Two. 

LJ: It doesn’t matter. It’s not like a world anyway. It’s more like a park.

JN: Yeah, a wildlife park. So we can call it Jurassic Park. 

But there’s…

JN: WHAT?

Sorry. 

JN: Already a film?

Three.

LJ: It doesn’t matter. It has nothing to do with what we’re doing. No one will ever connect the two.

They’re both based on properties written by Michael Crichton.

LJ: Fuck you Exec!

JN: You shitty little cockwomble.

Westworld Season 3 will be on HBO in 2019.

WESTEROS IS SHRINKING

HOLLYWOOD – Yesterday it was confirmed that Westeros is shrinking.

Westeros – the land of Game of Thrones – is shrinking, a new report today confirmed. HBO told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

When the show began, Westeros took weeks to travel. Winterfell was miles and miles from King’s Landing for instance and it would take so much time to get from one place to the other. In fact, a lot of the time the difficulty of moving was fundamental to the story. However, recently we’ve seen that Westeros has shrunk. At first this just meant that people pretty much moved along at such a speed as to help the story along. But now they seem to have hidden motorcycles somewhere, the speed with which they move. The island is apparently so small that it takes about an hour for a bird to fly from one end to the other.

What caused this shrinkage?

At first we thought it might be global warming. Possibly dragons don’t help. All that, you know, fire. But Winter is Coming, as we all know. So it looks quite cold. Maybe the place was actually always really small, but Sean Bean was really, really slow. Honestly, I’m not sure, but if it continues shrinking all the characters are going to end up living in the same room.

Game of Thrones continues.

HBO’S CONFEDERATE: ‘NOT THAT BIG A DEAL’

HOLLYWOOD – HBO’s new TV show Confederate is ‘actually not that big a deal’, according to everyone now.

Initially, Confederate the alternate history show by Game of Thrones creators David Benioff and D.B. Weiss is no longer a priority to be upset about. The drama shows a present day America in which the Civil War was not won by the North and the confederate states still exist.

Activist Journey Plank spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

Initially, I was really upset at the idea. These white guys are writing this show including depictions of slavery. I just didn’t think they’d proved themselves in anyway competent to deal with the various sensitive racial issues that this would inevitably bring up. But since we have a White Supremicist in the White House. Also torch lit rallies, the KKK unhooding and actual Nazis walking the street, I guess it’s slipped down my list of priorities.

Insiders from the show are actually talking about how real life events are slowly changing the show’s concept.

One source told Studio Exec:

We were actually thinking that the Civil War really didn’t end the way we think it ended. Generally speaking countries don’t tend to have statues to enemy generals who lost the war. It is an example perhaps of American Exceptionalism which we could do with rethinking.

Confederate will be broadcast shortly after the outbreak of the second American Civil War.

 

DANNY BOYLE DEVELOPING THE RUNNING DEAD FOR HBO

HOLLYWOOD – The Zombie Apocalypse is almost upon us but this time in a television war of Zombie dramas, with HBO going head to head with the AMC show The Walking Dead, an producing a Danny Boyle created rival entitled The Running Dead

A HBO exec spoke to Studio Exec on strict conditions of anonymity:

This show is not just a great big f*ck you to AMC [said Michael Lumbardo], it’s also going to be an exciting piece of boundary pushing television. But it is going to be a big f*ck you to AMC as well.

Danny Boyle said he was delighted at the opportunity to go back into the zombie world he’d created with 28 Days Later.

Me and Alex [Garland] made a breakthrough by making the zombies… well, less zombie-ish. The Walking Dead is okay, but the zombies are slow and people have to trip up or find themselves in an enclosed space. I’ve been talking to two sponsors – Nike and Red Bull – and we’re going to use that product placement as inspiration.   

Mr. Boyle was cagey about the details and nothing seems to have been decided in terms of casting though Ewan MacGregor has been rumored for the lead role. However Boyle reacted with a guffaw at the idea of re-teaming with the Shallow Grave and Trainspotting star.

‘We could cast Ewan’s post-me career as one of the undead,’ he chortled cruelly but truly. 

The Running Dead is due to air in the Fall of 2018. 

NETFLIX CANCELS NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – Home streaming service Netflix has just cancelled Netflix after only seven seasons.

Following the cancellation of Sense 8 and GirlBoss, Netflix have revealed that they will also be axing Netflix.

A spokesperson for the company said:

We’ve given the show every opportunity, but we just feel that it has run our of ideas. It was a great run and we want it to go out on a high. We know that the move will leave some people scratching their heads but honestly, that’s the way we like it.

Founded by Reed Hastings and Marc Randolph in 1997, Netflix provided streaming media and video-on-demand online and from 2013, created its own original material. Fans reacted with shock to the news. Olaf Perril told the Studio Exec:

I don’t get it. They’re cancelling the platform, or making original content or what? The whole thing? That doesn’t… so it’s over. No more Netflix and chill?

Confusion reigns as to what might have prompted the news. Some spoke of financial difficulties, while others speculated it might all be some sort of joke. What is clear is that the future of streaming is going to look very different in the future.

Amazon and HBO have been doing a dance ever since the news was announced.

Netflix will no longer be available from the 29th of June.

 

BILL MAHER: ‘I’M NOT AS RACIST AS THOSE F*CKING ARABS’

HOLLYWOOD – Having used the ‘n-word’ on Real Time with Bill Maher, the controversial host defended himself.

Bill Maher defended himself last night having caused outrage with his use of the n-word on his HBO show Real Time with Bill Maher. He phoned Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY last night and raged:

This is what is wrong with these f*cking liberals. They spend all their time attacking me and no time attacking the real enemy: Arabs. I mean all this PC bullshit about how racist I am and not a word about how racist the goddamned Arabs are. And don’t get me started on the Celestials, or I guess I ought to call them Orientals these days! People say I’m racist but those assholes a) don’t know how to drive – and that’s funny because it’s true – and b) are really racist against ni… black folks.

So you think this is all about political correctness?

Absolutely. I used to have a show called Political Correctness and I got kicked off that too. Look the ‘n-word’ is only the ‘n-word’ if it ends with an ‘er’. Mine ended with an ‘a’, like rappers. And so if you’re saying only rappers can use that word then fine but I’m kind of a rapper, like Eminem or Vanilla Ice.

But don’t you think political correctness is something you spend a hell of a lot of time on. I mean this isn’t the 90s and we kinda have a fascist in the White House.

No, political correctness is worse than Trump. It goes all the way through our lives, from college gigs to one hour specials. Every facet of a comedian’s life is blighted by political correctness. I blame the Jews.

Real Time with Bill Maher broadcasts on Fridays.