CRONENBERG V CRONENBERG DEATHMATCH ON HBO MAX

MOVIE NEWS – A live televised Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will air on HBO Max this coming Fall. The father and son directors get all Oedipal as they decide once and for all which one wears the crown. The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch will stream live on HBO Max in the USA. Amazon Prime will live stream the fight in all other territories.

Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch : The Background

Senior Cronenberg David, had moved away from his staple diet of body horror based movies in recent years. The Canadian auteur had recently made a slew of critically acclaimed films dealing with hard hitting topics outside of the horror genre. With films such as A History Of Violence, Eastern Promises and A Dangerous Method, he explored the darker side of human nature while staying away from his horror roots. He also explored Viggo Mortensen with his old fella out a fair amount.

Long Live The New Flesh

But that all changed when David’s son, Brandon scored a critical success with his film Viral. The film dealt with issues such as celebrity culture and corporate conspiracies. It used the old family tradition of body horror to do so with great effect. Suddenly David was not the only celebrated film maker at the Cronenberg table. It wasn’t just him boring everyone shitless at Christmas about ‘body horror this’ or ‘existential paranoia that’. There was a new voice at the other end of the table, beyond the cranberry sauce and Brussel sprouts. A younger voice saying ‘celebrity virus this’, and ‘intrusive technology’ that. The times were indeed a changin’.

I’m Getting Better

David took the challenge to his crown well at first. Publicly, at least. But with the release of last year’s Possessor, Brandon came of Cronenberg age. And his father’s ego did not take well to this young upstart stealing the plaudits. Comments were made in various interviews by both parties and things soon spiraled out of control. It was obvious there was only one way to solve this.

Like Flies Around Shit

As soon as it became clear a Deathmatch was the only way to resolve the family feud, HBO came knocking. They offered to fund and televise the Cronenberg Deathmatch. The winner (and survivor) will be heralded as the head of the Cronenberg film family. The loser will spend their time dragging around whatever bits of metal and machinery they become fused with during the fight. They will question their existence, their place in the world and if there ever really was a physical world before the fusion of flesh and machine. They’ll also receive a runners up medal and HBO gift bag.

The Cronenberg V Cronenberg Deathmatch Airs On HBO Max and Amazon Prime This Fall.

PATTY JENKINS ARREST WARRANT ISSUED

BREAKING NEWS – After her comments stating that streaming movies do not feel like real movies, a Patty Jenkins arrest warrant has been issued. And so begins a nationwide hunt by both state police and federal agents in response to the Patty Jenkins arrest warrant.

Patty Jenkins Arrest Warrant Public Enemy Number One

With comments such as, ‘I don’t hear about them, I don’t read about them.’ And, ‘they look like fake movies to me.’ The director has burned her bridges as far as film lovers and streaming fans are concerned. In the wake of such embittered public feeling, federal law makers have stepped in to ‘make sure this shit-show doesn’t get out of hand’. They have issued an immediate arrest warrant.

Mob Mentality

Some however, don’t believe the measures have gone far enough and have called for the use of non-lethal force in the course of her capture. Many have taken to Twitter, Facebook and even the streets to protest at her comments.

A Different Opinion? AAAAAAGGGGHH!!

We spoke to Armand Hyperbole, leader of the pressure group ‘Stay The Fuck Away From Streaming. ‘We can’t fucking believe a director of her standing. She’s had a go at poor, defenseless organizations Netflix and Amazon. Who the shit does she think she is? I was happily trolling Chelsea Clinton when my notifications went fucking ape-shit. I couldn’t believe my eyes.’

Blunder Woman

A spokesperson for Warners, the studio behind the Wonder Woman franchise said, ‘Patty’s comments disappointed us deeply. Particularly how our DCEU films have performed at the box office. Because our operating plan will now most likely mean we’ll be kissing Netflix’s, Amazon’s and HBO’s ass. If we want to get any of our films released on their platforms we gotta get the motherfuckers on side.’

More On This Story As It Breaks

HUGH GRANT CAN ACT

HOLLYWOOD – The world of showbusiness is reeling following revelations that Hugh Grant can act.

Four Weddings and a Funeral star Hugh Grant was accused yesterday of being able to act. The news came following the airing of the HBO Max series The Undoing, in which Grant stars alongside Nicole Kidman. Initially, sources close to the star denied the rumors. Reynard Maspensa Grant’s agent of over fifty years issued the following statement:

Reports circulating that my client can act are a cruel fabrication. You only have to watch Nine Months or Mickey Blue Eyes to know there is not a crumb of truth to these assertions. Instead, Mr Grant while filming the series The Undoing was on a pain medication for his back, a condition he has suffered from for many years. And a side effect of this medicine does lend a certain verite to performance which was entirely unintended.

Fans were at first unbelieving. Then angry. Billy Mopes, President of the fan club Grant Approval, told the Exec:

I couldn’t believe it. All my life I’ve dedicated myself to watching movies in whcih Hugh Grant barely musters the energy to act like he wants to be there. And now what’s this? He’s playing a character? It goes totally against what his many fans – Barry and Marie – want. Some are saying this is not as bad as Cloud Atlas, but it’s much worse. Cloud Atlas was at least a bad movie. This is actually quite good.

We asked Hugh Grant for comment but he headbutted me and kicked me down three flights of stairs at his waterfront residence in Malibu.

The Undoing is on HBO Max.