RONDA ROUSEY TO STAR IN ALL FEMALE REMAKE OF FALLING DOWN

HOLLYWOOD – Mixed Martial Arts star Ronda Rousey looks to further her acting chops with a starring role in Sofia Coppola’s all female remake of the Joel Schumacher classic Falling Down.

Ronda Rousey is due to take on the role that Michael Douglas made his own, playing Deborah Fens (D-fens) in Sofia Coppola’s remake of Falling Down. She came into the Studio Exec Fighting Gym to discuss her new role:

The thing is it turned out I’m not that good at fighting. And Mixed Martial Arts and all that stuff it kind of depends on you being really good at fighting. I managed okay for a while by knocking out my opponents before we actually had to fight but the minute I met someone like Holly Holm, she just took me to the cleaners and I gotta say, it really hurt. Really bad. I mean: Ow! So I thought I’d go the route of the acting. Like Gina Carano in Haywire. She was fantastic in that film. And in … erm … did she do any other films?

I think she was in one of the Fast and Furiouses.

Right. So there you go. She’s very much the Laurence Olivier of MMA fighters turned actors.

So Falling Down.

It started as a joke. Someone said I should star in the remake of Falling Down because I’m really good at falling down. Ha ha.  But then I found out Sofia Coppola was doing a remake and she isn’t discerning when it comes to actors, so I gave her a call and she said that she had just been about to call me.

How will it be different from the Michael Douglas original?

Well, instead of Michael Douglas, there’ll be me. So that’s one difference. And we’re going to make it a bit more action packed. Although at the same time, Air are going to do the soundtrack and on Sofia’s screenplay there are whole pages where she’s just written the word ‘dreamy’ over and over again. Oh and my character has to deal with this older man who she is kind of in love with but also thinks of as a father figure. It’s in Sofia’s contract that she does it in every movie. I don’t know why.

Falling Down with Ronda Rousey will be released in 2018. 

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

STEVEN SODERBERGH DOESN’T EXIST

HOLLYWOOD – In a stunning revelation today, it was finally admitted that the director and film maker Steven Soderbergh doesn’t actually exist.

The name ‘Steven Soderbergh’ was created by the Director’s Guild of America so that directors who were for some reason dissatisfied with the final film could remove their own name from the credits.

DGA spokesperson Sean Hannity said:

We had been using Alan Smithee but that was becoming too well known and they even made a film called An Alan Smithee Film, so we retired Alan and welcomed Steve to the job. 

The first film to feature the Soderbergh Identity – as it became known in the business – was veteran director Woody Allen. His Sex, Lies and Videotape had been an attempt to attract the youth market but when watching it he commented, ‘I couldn’t believe it. It was just full of these fools jabbering on and it was crazy. No one’s going to go for this. So the DGA said we have this new name and I said be my guest. But then it won at Sundance! So the egg was on my face.’

Following the surprise success of what Allen had dubbed Footloose without the songs, actor Tonka Marshall was hired to play the director in order to pick up the award and do the interviews as Soderbergh.

Tonka told the Studio Exec:  

I’d been Ronald McDonald for like three years and I was sick of it so when this gig came up I thought sure why not. It was only supposed to be a one off thing because of Sundance, but then the films people were using the name for kept being surprise successes and they wouldn’t let me go. I even grew a beard but they found me and took me back to the compound. 

Tonka goes solo

The Quentin Tarantino directed Out of Sight was followed by the Coen Brothers hugely disappointing Oceans 11.

‘Terrence Malick was the guy who used the name the most,’ says Hannity. ‘He did the Che films, Erin Brokovich, Contagion and Magic Mike, which was originally called To the Enormous Wonder of Magic Mike’s Tree of Life. Paul Greengrass used the name for his piss poor Bourne spin-off Haywire.’ 

Tonka continues:

It all became a bit much and a few years ago I decided to retire, I would really like t o write a novel, but they decided that they would still use me, like when that awful Clive Owen show The Knick came out, but it is really only on a part time basis.

Tonka Marshall’s I was Steven Soderbergh is now available from all good book shops.

STEVEN SODERBERGH TO MAKE 1 LAST FILM A YEAR UNTIL 2025

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Soderbergh has announced that he is to definitively retire ever year until 2025, when he is hoping to resume his film making career.

His last two last films Side Effects and the Cannes bound Behind the Candelabra will serve for 2013, but there will be a new last Soderbergh film, accompanied by a plethora of interviews about how sick and tired he is of the whole film making business.

Soderbergh watcher and cheese expert Xavier Poulis commented on the latest twist in the drama:

Steven has always run ahead of the pack. He starts his career by jumping the shark and then goes on from there. I remember the first time I ever saw Haywire and I said to myself:  “Acid jazz and a bad actress, who else but Steven?”

British film director and sworn enemy Michael Winterbottom said: “Soderbergh is a hack, a washed up hack. He has to feed the press these goof ball stories only because his films are so uninteresting. And he hasn’t got any hair! He’s a baldy! A bald eagle specky four eyes and I hate him, I hate him, I hate him!”

Soderbergh responded to Winterbottom’s comments via his blog:

I have read with sadness Mr. Winterbottom’s comments, who although not a friend is a fellow professional, whom I do admire. All I have to say in response is: I know you are; what am I?

A festival of Steven Soderbergh’s final films is currently underway at the London BFI.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 14: STEVEN SODERBERGH

Rice Krispies, Coco-pops, Cornflakes, Shredded Wheat, Weet-a-bix, porridge, orange juice, cranberry juice, tomato juice, all in unsatisfyingly small portions

Steven Soderbergh looks exhausted. He answers the door in his robe and he’s the ghost of the man I met all those years ago at Sundance, the bright young thing who had just made Sex, Lies and Videotapes. ‘I have some dreadful news,’ he opens before I’ve chosen my weapon from the mini-bar of breakfast cereal he’s arranged from me.
‘Oh, God! Ocean’s 14?’ I ask, trying to keep the terror from my voice.

‘No,’ said Soderbergh. ‘I’m retiring. I’m done. Side Effects will be my last film.’ 
‘Oh what a relief!’
‘What?’
‘I mean that’s terrible.’
‘Yes, it is terrible.’
I munch my coco-pops. ‘It’s like when you retired before Contagion and then again after Out of Sight. What was your favourite retirement?’
‘Probably right after Kafka… No, wait, what do you mean? I’ve never retired before this is the … what are you implying?’
‘No you’re right, this is very sad,’ I make a start on the Rice Krispies. ‘Why are you retiring this time… I mean, now?’
‘The lack of respect for directors is the main reason,’ says Soderbergh.
I hold up a finger so I can hear the snap, crackle and pop. ‘Go on,’ I tell him.
‘Yes, the … er … respect for directors, it just isn’t there any more. When I was making Haywire there were so many people trying to second guess me, like did I want someone who could actually act in the lead? they’d say. As if that was an accident. I mean they were right but still it hurt my feelings. It was The Girlfriend Experience all over again. Other people said I should have put some jokes in The Informant! and Full Frontal, you know, to let the audience know they were comedies.’
‘I see.’ I munch meditatively. ‘So that’s it? You’re out?’
‘Definitely. And it’s such a pity because I had so many projects lined up. Benico was on board for Che Part 3: The T-Shirt and of course I don’t feel I’ve got right to the bottom of the Danny Ocean saga. Maybe I could be persuaded if the terms were right…’
‘No, Steve I think you’ve done the right thing.’
I’m backing toward the door now.
‘If I was deified or a city was named after me … I’ve always wanted to make a porn film in which all the actors were really ugly, and me and Clooney have been talking about remaking Tarkovsky’s Stalker. Making it zippy though.’
‘No, that’s it Steve. Retirement. I got it. Bye.’
He’s running after me down the street, the robe flapping. ‘Wait, wait, I’ve changed my mind.’

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