OSCARS: BEASTMASTER CANCELS

HOLLYWOOD – The Beastmaster has cancelled as host of the Oscars, leading to his replacement by original choice Neil Patrick Harris.

The Beastmaster had shocked everyone by agreeing to take part in the ceremony, despite having shunned the Academy Awards for years after the biopic based on his life failed to gain any nominations. Excitement had grown to mythical proportions as it was reported that Kanye West had also  agreed to appear as a co-host.

However, sources inside the Beastmaster camp reported tensions earlier in the week when it was revealed that Hawk the Slayer was no longer representing Beastmaster. There were also threats from animal rights organisations who claimed that Beastmaster’s dominance of the animal kingdom was only made possible ‘through the use of powerful psychotropic drugs and training sessions that involve what is tantamount to torture’.

Beastmaster issued a statement to the press this morning:

Due to personal issues regarding my relationship with Kiri I have decided to pull out of the Oscars. It is a real shame and I was looking forward to hearing all of Kanye’s objections to the Oscars. And Kodo and Podo really wanted to do a selfie like Ellen did, but ultimately we have to return to the realm and meet up again with the birdmen and sort out everything.

Neil Patrick Harris said that he’ll be delighted to resume his duties but was sorry that he wouldn’t have the opportunity to see Beastmaster’s unique approach to his duties:

He was going to have the prizes delivered by giraffes and sharks. I guess I’ll do my best, but I’m not surprised everyone is disappointed. So am I.

The Oscars are on later this evening. 

INTERNATIONAL HAWK THE SLAYER DAY MARRED BY VIOLENT PROTESTS

HOLLYWOOD – International Hawk The Slayer Day saw millions joined in celebration of the John Terry starring 1983 fantasy film across the globe.

However, the event was marred by ugly scenes when thousands of Red Sonja supporters staged violent protests which in some cases descended into ugly bouts of ‘pushing’ and ‘shoving’.

In New York, where police estimated five thousand people had gathered in Central Park, sixteen people had to be hospitalized with what one doctor called ‘admittedly minor injuries’. One Slayer – bleeding from a twisted lip – told Studio Exec:

It was horrible. We were re-enacting one of the best fights from the film, where the guy fires the arrows really quickly, when suddenly all these Brigitte Nielssen lookalikes descended on us. It was carnage.

The Red Sonja Movement is a radical feminist branch of the Fantasy Fan World, fighting everywhere for increased female visibility in fantasy films and TV shows. Spokesperson Xena McGillis speaking from Glasgow said:

We are sick and tired of fantasy being the preserve of repressive male fantasy and we will continue to disrupt such events as International Hawk the Slayer Day and The Gathering and the Krull Jamboree until Game of Thrones shows more cock and less tits and ass.

In honor of International Hawk the Slayer Day, Hawk the Slayer will be playing in a theater near you.