KURT RUSSELL’S MUSTACHE REVERSES CLIMATE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – No one is quite sure how it happened – the studies are yet to be completed, and scientists squabble over different theories – but one thing is certain: Kurt Russell’s mustache has reversed climate change.

The gestation of Kurt Russell’s mustache has been a long glacial process, emerging from the full beard of The Thing, retracting into the stubble of Escape from New York, and first touching the air as the wonderful clipped beauty of Tombstone. The year Tombstone was released – 1993 – there was a a 35% rise in fertility and fistfights, such was its masculine magic. And now with Kurt Russell persuaded to hedge over his upper lip for Quentin Tarantino’s Hateful Eight the benefits to mankind and planet Earth can be felt everywhere.

Resident ecologist Joaquin Phoenix popped into the Studio Exec Bungalow to explain:

We’re not sure how this is happening but it looks like following the appearance of Mr. Russell’s hairy handle bars that the ice caps have in fact fully re-frozen. Sea levels have fallen and the air quality is delicious.

How is this happening?

Some say that carbon is being captured from the air and sucked into the follicles, is one possible explanation. Or perhaps Mother Earth has just got a glimpse of the kind of man that she’d be missing and has decided to right her ways.

Of course now that the wonderful side effects of Mr. Russell’s lip ‘brella are readily apparent, many are calling on President Obama to legislate to protect the top beard. The White House were quick to quieten such proposals, stating that ‘It would be a brave administration that ever told Mr. Kurt Russell what to do and what not to do with his own face’.

The Hateful Eight will be released in 2016.

HATEFUL EIGHT: ON SET REPORT

COLORADO – Quentin Tarantino’s new Western The Hateful Eight began filming this week in Telluride and the Studio Exec was invited EXCLUSIVELY to witness proceedings by QT himself.

It is cold in Colorado this time of year and snowy, but Quentin Tarantino is wearing his trade mark Hawaiian shirt and his motor mouth is going at 180 rpm.

Hey, SE do you know that Miley Cyrus’ Wrecking Ball is about a guy with a big dick. ‘You wre-e-eck me!’ You see? Jesus it’s just no fun no more. It’s so obvious.

The first shot involves Samuel L. Jackson and Channing Tatum, along with Mike Myers, Jan Michel Vincent, Mickey Rourke, Kevin James and Renee Zellwegger getting out of a stagecoach. It takes about two hours to shoot. During lunch I ask QT about the gestation of the film.

Well, I was really upset when the script leaked so I totally rewrote it. This one would never leak on the internet I decided (read the revised Hateful Eight script HERE). The first idea I had was not to make the film at all but do it, I mean perform it as a dance, but I talked it over with Harvey Keitel and he told me he thought it was – and I quote –  a ‘f*cking awful idea’. So I settled on making a film.

With Django Unchained you were obviously very influenced by the Spaghetti westerns. Do they continue to be an influence?

No, I want to do something else, something more purely American. So I just watched Bonanza over and over again and that became my key text. The only reason I haven’t mentioned it in interviews before is because of the plagiarism fuss, what with Spiderbaby and everything. So actually if you don’t mind not mentioning it.

Absolutely. And your casting choices? You’re using Kevin James I see.

Yeah Kevin is one of the most natural comic talents we’ve got . He’s like our Belushi, but a postmodern Belushi. Like if you had Belushi but he wasn’t funny, or charismatic. That’d basically be Kevin.

Will he be funny in this role?

Absolutely not.

And with that Quentin is called away to film the next set up: a gunfight between Joaquin Phoenix and Benedict Cumberbatch’s agent.

The Hateful Eight will be in cinemas in 2015.

 

QUENTIN TARANTINO HIRES ACTORS TO WALK AROUND HIS HOUSE IN CHARACTER

HOLLYWOOD – Increasingly eccentric Gawker litigant Quentin Tarantino ‘hires actors to walk around his house, in character,’ according to a source close to the actor who prefers to remain anonymous (it was Bruce Dern).

The actor said:

It started at the rehearsals for the table read of Hateful Eight when he cooked us all a big meal but insisted we stay in character for the dinner. Then he phoned Tim Roth up and asked him to wash his car, but always in character. If you go round to his house now you’ll see Uma Thurman putting up some shelves as The Bride and John Travolta out the back cleaning the pool dressed as Vince Vega.  

 Have you been asked to do anything, in character?

Oh, I mowed his lawn, but I like cutting grass so there was no problem with that. Poor Kurt Russell is re-roofing the house as Stuntman Mike. Quentin says it’s part of his process and frankly some of us don’t get much work anymore. Poor Mikey Madsen stands at the bottom of the drive waiting to see if Quentin has any work for him. 

The Hateful Eight will be released when enough publicity has been built up.

HATEFUL EIGHT: SCRIPT LEAK

HOLLYWOOD -Following the leaking of Quentin Tarantino’s Hateful Eight script, Tarantino initially thought of abandoning the film entirely, but has  instead totally rewritten.


EXT. SNOW SWEPT PLAIN. DAY.
A stagecoach rides full pelt through the driving snow, followed by two outriders. They approach and enter a small town. 

INT. TAVERN. DAY.
Four men (TARANTINO, KEITEL, MADSEN and DERN) sit around a table in the tavern. They are finishing a card game that has been going on for hours. One of the men (QUENTIN TARANTINO) is in the middle of saying something. 

Continue reading “HATEFUL EIGHT: SCRIPT LEAK”

QUENTIN TARANTINO TO PERFORM HATEFUL EIGHT AS ‘INTERPRETIVE DANCE’

HOLLYWOOD – Hollywood Independent has confirmed that Quentin Tarantino will perform his leaked Hateful Eight script as an ‘interpretive dance piece’, the performance will be solo and no live streaming or video will be taken of the event.

Tarantino had halted production on the film following the leaking of the script onto the internet and is currently embroiled in a legal battle with website Gawker for publishing a link to the leaked script. Although Michael Madsen admitted to leaking the script (Click HERE for more on that), the culprit has yet to be identified.

Very little is known about the dance piece except that Tarantino himself will be the solo performer and he has been working for weeks with choreographers from the New York Ballet who have described his progress as ’embarrassingly bad’ and ‘dangerous to his health’. Tickets are selling at $200 a pop and will be on sale from 9 April. 

Swiss Tarantino expert Xavier Poulis is going to be first in the queue:

I more than anybody want to see Mr. Tarantino prancing about in a body stocking. The Hateful Eight is about a whole ensemble of characters, so to see him adopt all the characters is going to be what we in Switzerland refer to as ‘a wheeze’.

Do you think there’s any chance this could be quite good?

Heavens no.

Quentin Tarantino’s interpretive dance performance of The Hateful Eight will take place on the 29th of April and the money will go to the charity F*ck Gawker.