TRANSFORMERS SEQUELS TITLES REVEALED

CANNES – Four new Transformers sequels are to be released over the next decade, Hasbro Chief Steven J. Davis confirmed yesterday at MIPCOM in Cannes.

During a Q&A session at the content market MIPCOM in Cannes, Davis confirmed that Transformers 5, 6, 7 and 8 are all slated to be released during the next ten years. While delegates staggered from the session, the Studio Exec managed to seize on a napkin that dropped from Mr. Davies’ pocket and which revealed EXCLUSIVELY the titles of the new films.

Although the handwriting is a little shaky and although we cannot confirm that these are the final titles, the napkin is vital evidence that the planning stages for the following films are quite advanced. The first thing to note is the excellence of the doodling. As per a toy company, there are no obscene doodles as you would expect from a normal studio exec. But there is a photo realistic depiction of a spider web replete with spider. There is a sentence at the top which has been crossed out but which nevertheless casts doubt on the involvement of Mark Wahlberg: ‘1. Get rid of Marky Mark‘ it reads. There is also a title that has obviously been cancelled. ‘Transformers: We Bought a Zoo’ most likely due to legal reasons.

The titles which remain are:

Transformers: The Optimus Menace Awakensphoto

Transformer5 and Transfurio5

Transformers: Robots in Disguise

Transformers: Mockingjay and the Deathly Hallows Part 3

Transformers: Something After a Colon

 

 

 Transformers Something After a Colon will be released in 2016.

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN ANNOUNCES NEW PROJECT: JENGA

LONDON – Christopher Nolan has chosen his follow up to the Dark Knight Rises: Jenga: the Motion Picture.

Nolan announced his decision in a written statement on beautiful velvety paper (lightly lemon scented) which read:

Ciao world!

I have decided after much consideration to follow up my wonderful Interstellar with a film which will be even more epic and even more personal. It is to be entitled Jenga and before you ask, oh, just like the wooden block puzzle game!? I shall say, exactly like that. In fact, it is identical to it. The film will be scripted by my brother Jonathan and scored by my sisters, Denise, Linda, Coleen and Bernadette with help of Hans Zimmer’s booming trombones.

The story is simplicity itself. A series of interlocking wooden realities are poised to achieve great altitude but the oblong necessities of life pattern require the extraction of rectangular solidity with a fluid and speedy motion, obtaining to the balance of the whole and allowing the sum of the parts to remain the same even as each of those parts in terms of truth value shifts defiantly along a vertical to  table axis. It is a story about balance, architecture, restraint and Michael Caine crying.

I have assembled the most wooden cast I could find, including Jude Law, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Pine, though the latter is purely for punning purposes. Orlando Bloom is also in talks with us.

I know that some will be disappointed by my decision, having kindly compared me to Stanley Kubrick and perhaps expecting me to take on a subject that is deeper, but I should remind such folk that I am a massive genius with a popular touch; a marvelous director, who can take the juvenile stupidity of Batman and create the high art of a Wagnerian opera cycle. I am committed to rendering the popular ephemera of life magical by cinematic art.

Plus Hasbro are going to pay sickeningly large amounts of money.

Signed

Christopher Nolan

Jenga: The Movie is due for release in 2016.

IRON MAN ACTION FIGURES ‘IN POOR TASTE’

HOLLYWOOD -Iron Man 3 – due for release sometime in 2013 – is already kicking up a storm of controversy with the issuing of a set of action figures depicting the main characters of the Marvel film franchise starring Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, a black guy (Terrence Howard or Don Cheadle, whoever’s cheaper) and Gwyneth Paltrow as a woman.

Hasbro first displayed the figures earlier this year at Toy Fair, but a spokesperson for the company said they had been planned for some time.

However, an article in The New Left State Review has lambasted the tie-in product. Prof. Stem Reasurgh of the University of Colorado writes that the ‘exploitation of this period in our history for purely commercial gain is a national disgrace.’ He continues:

Tony Stark loses everything including his really nice house and HQ and he has to somehow come back from the depths in order to battle the wicked Mandarin. And remember this is a man who was kidnapped by terrorists in Somewhere-over-there-istan. He hasn’t even got a heart and yet he still fights to protect the world from Loki and stuff. And this man’s plight, his enormous sacrifices are trivialized by what is essentially a toy.

However, Hasbro has responded to the criticisms in a baffled press release:

We don’t understand why action figures for a comic book franchise should be controversial. After all, we’ve done figures for all the movies and no one has complained until now.

The criticism comes after similar controversies surrounding the merchandising of Argo and Django Unchained (for more on those stories CLICK HERE), leading to the question should all action figures and toy related merchandise be banned and the death penalty be used as a deterrent? What do you think? Please leave your brain droppings in the comment box below.