BEST CANCELLED ACTOR OSCAR INTRODUCED

HOLLYWOOD – The Academy has announced next year will see a new Best Cancelled Actor Oscar introduced. The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar award will recognize actors who have gone out of their way to alienate, offend and even abuse while inexplicably remaining in the public eye.

 

The Best Cancelled Actor Oscar Goes To…

The award will be issued as a farewell gesture to the privileged world that is Hollywood. Therefor the recipient will accept their award with their face pixelated out. Their acceptance speech will be over-dubbed with Give Peace A Chance. And the disgraced actor will shuffle off stage to abject silence.


 

Mouth Breathers

The recipient will never be seen again in any legitimate mainstream production. Because most likely, they will appear in some right wing, batshit-crazy Baptist church funded production. These films will usually be about angels being real or talking dogs. There is always the option of them creating a YouTube channel. There they can rant about the satanic influence of liberalism and the Covid hoax. Websites are also a good option. They can sell merch to any slack jawed, gun owner who hates themselves enough to empathize with psychopaths. Or they might get a job on Fox News.


 

Favorite Assholes

There has been great speculation about who will be nominated. So the current front runners are: Kirstie Alley, Jon Voight, Kevin Sorbo, Scott Baio and Vincent Gallo. Gallo is the bookies’ favorite because bets are no longer being taken on him clutching the award at the end of the evening.

 

The Golden Asshole

The Academy has also announced a new lifetime achievement award. It’s for actors who despite being obviously vile, mysteriously continued to work. It will be known as The Golden Asshole Award. James Woods and Kevin Spacey will be jointly honored. They will receive statuettes of Harvey Weinstein’s asshole.

 

The Oscars Takes Place Next March

WE ALWAYS HATED HARVEY WEINSTEIN

NEW YORK – Convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein is heading for jail, like we said he always would.

Harvey Weinstein wasn’t God. He was far more important. At the Oscars he was thanked more than God. He beat God into a cocked hat. Judi Dench got a tattoo of his name to show her appreciation. And many directors and actors heaped praise on the man. But it is now apparent that everyone always knew about Harvey, they always hated him. They were just waiting. I guess. Some are still waiting now.

The fact of the matter is though, Harvey hid in plain sight. Peter Biskind’s Down and Dirty Pictures painted a Miramax which was dysfunctional, with Harvey and his brother regularly berating and bullying people. His book – published in 2004 – catalogues temper tantrums, intimidation, shouting matches and a slew of misbehaviour but for the most part it’s done in a way that we’re supposed to enjoy. Hell, I read it and enjoyed it. The worst sins appear to be the way Weinstein would wrestle the creative control from directors and recut their films. Harvey Scissorhands, they’d call him.  But the fact is his sexual predation, assault and rape, were an open secret and it now looks weird that Biskind didn’t reveal it. He missed the picture.

Or he couldn’t see the picture for the stories. After all, the Hollywood Babylon idea of misbehaviour is a way of both describing and erasing the bad, forgive and forget, play the game. You know how it’s done. The blow job and blonde, the casting couch, you scratch my back. It’s a joke that’s so old and familiar you can tell it to children. We read about producers like Don Simpson, Julia Phillips (just in case you thought this kind of horror was exclusively male) and many others (pretty much all the others are male, I have to note). And we admired them. Being monstrous came with the job. We paved the way for Weinstein.

The good news is that this has to change and it will change. It won’t be perfect. Nothing ever is. But not being perfect shouldn’t stop us from trying at least to not be so shitty. With Harvey heading to jail, Jeffrey Epstein dead, being rich and powerful doesn’t seem to make you invulnerable any longer. Impunity crumbles. Maybe the time will come for other predators too. Princes, perhaps even Presidents will be held account for their behaviour. Because now it’s not only that we know. We know we know.

Read more Studio Exec stories here.

HIDDEN GEMS: 27. LORD OF THE RINGS: FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

Hidden Gems brings to light little known film gems which have somehow slipped through the collective cinematic consciousness. You’re welcome. This week Lord of the Rings.

JRR Tolkien’s mammoth fantasy novel Lord of the Rings has for a long time been considered unfilmable. Ralph Bakshi tried in 1978 but that was a cartoon and so doesn’t really count as a movie. John Boorman wanted to adapt the film but made Excalibur instead. Finally, at the end of the century Peter Jackson, a New Zealand filmmaker famous for gore fests like Bad Taste, decided the time had come. He gathered Ian McKellan, Elijah Wood, Sean Bean, Liv Tyler, Salah from Raiders, the guy who married the hot gal from Lost and Viggo Mortensen and together embarked on an epic adventure.

They would brave orcs, trolls and big spiders as they sought to return the ring of power to Mordor where they would destroy it.

‘One does not simply walk into Mordor’ a meme once said, and so it proved. Many problems beset the making of the film, but are now shrouded in mystery because mysteriously no interviews or behind the scene footage survives. Famously Andy Serkis’ Gollum character didn’t work at all and his performance was so poor, CGI was used for the first time to replace him. Similarly, Orlando Bloom’s Elf Legolas required digital enhancement to add vitality.

Only one ring to rule them all?

It is a miracle what came out is so good. Jackson grounds the fantasy in a realistic setting and uses his kinetic storytelling to push Tolkien’s tale on. He also manages to imbue it with some emotional content. Also, he does well to get rid of the songs. Though it is regrettable that Jeff Bridges as Tom Bombadil hit the cutting room floor, this moves the quest on at a clip. The special effects are amazing and the music by Howard Shore recalls a classical Hollywood orchestral score.

Unfortunately, Harvey Weinstein pulled the plug on the projected sequels. And so like the Bakshi cartoon the ending of the Fellowship of the Ring is an anti-climax. The road goes ever on apparently. There are reports that Jackson would like to complete the trilogy, but more recently he has renounced the whole idea of returning to Middle Earth, saying ‘Why would you need more than one film?’

For more Hidden Gems CLICK HERE.

THE GOLDEN GLOBES TO BE HELD IN TOTAL SILENCE

HOLLYWOOD – The 75th Golden Globes awards will be held in total silence.

Tonight the 75th Golden Globes takes place at the Beverly Hills Hilton in Hollywood. Hosted by Seth Meyers, many have wondered what the ceremony will do to reflect the post-Weinstein world and the growth of the #MeToo movement which has shaken Hollywood. Already many of the participants have pledged to wear black to show solidarity for victims of sexual harassment, but the organisers have decided to go one step further and present the whole awards ceremony in silence.

A spokesperson for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association told the Studio Exec:

To begin with we thought we’d have a minute’s silence. But then we asked why a minute? It seems so arbitrary. So we decided that the whole show will be held entirely in silence.

Wow.

We talked to Seth Meyers and at first we were nervous about how he would feel, but it turns out he’s a huge fan of Buster Keaton. He said he’d be happy to do the whole thing in silence.

It’ll be different.

It will be.

How are you going to do the announcement of the winners?

With title cards.

The Golden Globes screens this evening.

QUENTIN TARANTINO CASTS SAMUEL L. JACKSON IN NEW STAR TREK MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Samuel L. Jackson joins Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie.

News is coming thick and fast about Quentin Tarantino’s new Star Trek movie. First he pitches the idea to Paramount and JJ Abrams. Now it looks like his cast is already firming up with Samuel L. Jackson beaming himself up. Quentin came over to the Studio Exec bungalow keen to chat EXCLUSIVELY to the team.

We’re so stoked about this project. Usually I make my own films up utterly. I mean everything. The plot, the characters, the shots, well not the shots, and some of the lines I take from other movies, and the plots and the characters. But other than that totally original. This will be the first time I enter a pre-existing franchise.

So what’s the idea?

Ah, you know me Exec. I ain’t gonna just spill the beans on this one. Usually that’s Michael Madsen’s job. Ha ha! No, but seriously I am a huge Star Trek fan. I woke up one morning and the idea was there. Boom. So I scribbled it down in the bright green crayon I use for my best ideas. And I was on the phone to Harvey. Shit. I mean I was on the phone to J.J. Abrams and he was as excited as I was. We got into so much that instead of saying goodbye I told him ‘May the Force Be with You’.

Because he’s making the Star Wars film.

What? Yeah, I guess. NO, we’re talking Star Trek now.

And Samuel L. Jackson?

He’s key. There’s going to be a reference to one of his earlier movies. In fact that’s where I got the idea from.

Tribbles on a Star Ship will be released in 2019.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER TO HEAD WEINSTEIN COMPANY

HOLLYWOOD – Christopher Plummer is to take over as CEO of the Weinstein Company following the sacking of founder Harvey Weinstein amid an ongoing sex scandal.

If there’s a problem Christopher Plummer is almost always the solution. Such is the respect with which the former Sound of Music star is held. Already, Ridley Scott drafted Plummer in for the role of Kevin Spacey in All the Money in the World. Scott told the Studio Exec:

The thing about Plummer is he can do anything. He can sing, he can act, he can do comedy, he can do Spacey. And he’s very, very cheap.

However, there was some surprise that the act was being drafted to run a multi-million dollar media company when he had no previous experience.

The Edelweiss fan spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

What you have to understand dear boy, is that I am an actor. A Canadian actor, it is true, but nevertheless an actor. I will study the role of CEO in the Weinstein Company and then I will give my performance. You may disagree with my interpretation, but I assure you I will give it my all.

Already shares in the Weinstein Company began to recover as news of the Plummer appointment spread. Financial analyst Amos Ghastly told the Exec:

The company still has good holdings and with Plummer at the helm I’m sure it will be steered towards a prosperous future. He was so good in The New World.

Christopher Plummer will next appear in Season 5 of House of Cards.

 

SHOCK AS JAMES TOBACK THE DIRECTOR OF THE PICK UP ARTIST REVEALED TO BE A CREEP

HOLLYWOOD – The news that James Toback – director of The Pick Up Artist – allegedly harassed women on a regular basis rocked Tinsel Town yesterday.

The LA Times revealed film director James Toback to be engaging in creepy sexual harassment for decades. Following the Harvey Weinstein scandal, Toback is the latest Hollywood figure to be accused of serious and potentially criminal misbehavior. The screenwriter and director would, according to witnesses, approach them and say such stuff as ‘I’m James Toback, the film director’ and then show them clippings as proof.  He would then attempt to arrange a meeting, ostensibly to talk about work but it would quickly turn inappropriate.

Hollywood insider Jimmy Janeck said:

This is unbelievable. The man who wrote and directed The Pick Up artist actually does this stuff! I knew about the Spy Magazine piece in the late eighties. And James Gunn has been talking about it for years, but I thought he was joking. Next you’ll be telling me Brett Ratner is… no, it’s just too disgusting to even think about.

James Toback’s new film is The Private Life of a Modern Woman.

CASEY AFFLECK TO STAR AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN IN BRETT RATNER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – In a bold move, Casey Affleck stars as Harvey Weinstein in Brett Ratner’s new biopic.

A new movie based on the life of Harvey Weinstein will star Casey Affleck. Rush Hour director Brett Ratner had this to say:

We want the film to be as realistic as possible. This is an American tragedy and we need to get to the heart of it. 

Based on a script by Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in their first ever collaboration, the films also stars Mel Gibson and Michael Fassbender. Louis CK is in talks to play Bob Weinstein, Harvey’s brother. Ratner continues:

This is a story that needs telling right. We need to tell it from the inside. I got Bill Cosby to go over a draft of the script for me.

But don’t you think we need the perspective of the women who have spoken out?

Who like?

Asia Argento, Rose McGowan, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, Gwyneth Paltrow? There are about thirty and counting I think. 

We have got a woman’s perspective in there though.

Who?

Lindsay Lohan.

Harvey will be released in 2018.

WEINSTEINS CONFIRM WAR AND PEACE WILL BE CUT

HOLLYWOOD – The Weinstein’s War and Peace mini-series – to be co-produced with the BBC – will be a truncated version, sources admit.

Paul Dano is set to star as Pierre Bezuhkov, the pacifist hero of Leo Tolstoy’s epic novel. He will be joined by Ade Edmondson as Count Rostov, as well as Stephen Rea and Greta Scacchi.

Andrew Davies was given the job of adapting the massive Russian masterpiece, but reports from the Weinsteins were that his version was too long.

Harvey just didn’t like it. There was too much about relationships and peasants and far too much about the Russian soil. Russia is a bit of a downer at the moment. What with Putin and all that. So let’s just say that Harvey had some notes.

What changes can we expect?

We wanted to change the setting, away from Russia and towards New Mexico, but Andrew and the BBC were opposed to that. So we at least managed to get the narrative moving a little. If you’ve read the book, you’ll know that it features some of the most amazing set pieces ever put to paper. But then there are all these conversations. So what we did was get rid of the conversations and concentrate a lot more on the military aspect.

War will be broadcast in 2015.

HARVEY WEINSTEIN TO PRODUCE GUN FREE TARANTINO BACK CATALOG

NEW YORK – Harvey Weinstein is to produce a deluxe edition of the works of Quentin Tarantino with all the gun violence and glamorization of violence digitally removed. ‘We’re also going to ADR some explanatory dialogue so that it won’t be so glaring,’ Weinstein said. 

The move follows an interview with Piers Morgan in which – in promoting his film about gun violence –  Weinstein admitted his own complicity and declared that he would no longer be involved with films glamorizing this kind of behaviour:

It’s not like I can just come out with these statements and not back it up with action even at the risk of losing money and damaging my creative relationships. So I’m going to bring out this DVD box set of gunless Yoko Ono style Tarantino. 

Although the versions are not yet commercially available, Weinstein has given a few examples of the changes we can expect. 

  • In Reservoir Dogs, rather than have his ear cut off with a razor, the police man will have his feet tickled with a large feather and Mr. Blonde will only stop when Mr Orange issues some strongly worded criticism.     
  • Pulp Fiction will see Marvin accidentally sprayed with spittle and Kahuna burger when Vincent Vega speaks with his mouthful in the car.
  • Kill Bill will be renamed Bill Gets A Damned Good Talking To. 
  • The finale of Inglourious Basterds will be drastically changed, with Hitler and his Nazi cohorts being ignored in the cinema by the Basterds and in that way made to feel foolish and so desisting with their horrible crimes. 
  • Django Unchained will be cut almost entirely and replaced with 12 Years a Slave.

So how will this affect future releases from Harvey Weinstein? 

Ah, I don’t know. I mean Quentin has something in the works now, but by the time that’s ready for release The Senator’s Wife will have been made and be out, so you know, we should be good to go with the guns again.  

The Quentin Tarantino Peace Out Box Set is due for sale in 2014. 

OSCARS TO BE DECIDED BY THE WEINSTEINS IN FUTURE

HOLLYWOOD – Next year’s Academy Awards – or Oscars as they prefer to be known – will adopt a new system to decide winners, replacing the outdated voting system currently in place with one in which Bob and Harvey Weinstein personally decide everything.

Awards expert Billy Bathtub said:

The new system is going to be not so much a revolution as an evolution, kind of what already happens, but formally recognized.

Some have argued that the system is a betrayal of the democratic process, but they have been told to shut their fat mouths if they don’t want their asses sued. Oscar winners Quentin Tarantino and Gwyneth Paltrow rushed to defend the new system: ‘It will be fairer-er,’ they said in unison.

The Studio Exec also believes the new system to be advantageous for many reasons, but primarily because Bob and Harvey Weinstein are very scary men with big fat money. The ceremony this year will hosted by Billy Crystal who will beat Seth McFarlane to death with a huge ceramic boob in a tribute to A Clockwork Orange and women everywhere.

The Oscars will be broadcast in February, 2014.  

SPIKE LEE ATTACKS LEE DANIELS’ THE BUTLER

HOLLYWOOD – Today, Spike Lee launched a scathing attack on Oprah Winfrey and Lee Daniels for their new film, Lee Daniels’ The Butler, which stars Forest Whitaker as a butler who works for a succession of eight Presidents, living through the turbulence of the Vietnam war and the Civil Rights movement.

The Malcolm X director fumed: “He just picks stuff up.”

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Lee yelled:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler kisses butt when it should kick butt. Forest Whitaker just stands around doing stuff for a bunch of white folk in the White House. There are no alien invasions, no asteroids hurtling towards the Earth and no terrorists kidnapping the President, who should be Morgan Freeman by the way. You can be sure as shit if Whitaker was Steven Seagal or Bruce Willis he’d spend more time kicking ass and less time picking stuff up, or just standing there.  

Equally outraged was black activist Carrie Fisher, who wrote in her blog Something Fishery:

Lee Daniels’ The Butler‘s bullshit. We see the White House and we’re waiting. Whitaker turns up to do an ordinary job, a servant’s job basically, but we think he’s probably ex-Special Forces. It’s tense. We wait. One president, nothing, then two presidents. What the fuck? Three presidents, four? In the end there are eight Goddam presidents and not one time does the White House get infiltrated by terrorists. Not once. Or blown up by an asteroid. It’s bullshit.   

Harvey Weinstein, whose Weinstein Company produced the film, issued the following statement: 

We were expecting a lot more from Lee Daniels’ The Butler. Frankly we were misled. Once Lee Daniels said that Lee Daniels’ The Butler was set in the White House there were three ways it could go: asteroid, terrorists, or the President’s dog. I’m sad to say that Lee Daniel’s The Butler falls down on all three counts. We shall be seeking legal compensation. 

Lee Daniels’ The Butler 2: With Terrorists will be released in 2015.