TWITTER ADDS HARRY POTTER BUTTON

HOLLYWOOD – Twitter has added a Harry Potter button in the hope that this will attract ‘young people’ to the ailing mini-blogging site.

Twitter has added a strange lightning scar Harry Potter button which users can click on to get all their Hogwarts news of their favorite wizards and witches in real time. Tech expert Hampton Park told the Studio Exec:

They’ve been flagging for a while, Twitter. People are going back to Facebook, or if they are damaged Tumblr, or if they want to be alone Google Plus. So frankly they are flapping around to find some way of hooking new users and they are a bit out of date and so one of them came up with a Harry Potter button. Someone else wanted a Twilight one but then they got caught up in the old Team Edward and Team Jacob dichotomy.

Dichotomy?

Yeah. So then Star Wars was mentioned but they’d have to sell Twitter to buy that so Harry Potter was finally settled on, even though they are not allowed to use the name Harry Potter. That’s why they’ve called it Moments. But that isn’t the only problem. They’ve screwed up their filters so there’s lots of irrelevant stuff there. I searched for hours and I couldn’t find any Potter related content at all.

So a flop?

A muggle of a flop yes.

Muggle?

That’s Harry…You see.

Twitter were unable to comment.

EDDIE REDMAYNE TO STAR IN HARRY POTTER PREQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Eddie Redmayne is to play Albus Dumbledore in the Harry Potter prequel Dumbledore Begins.

Warner Bros made the announcement late Monday and said the film will be released in 3D and Imax on November 18, 2016.  J.K. Rowling will write the screenplay and Potter regular David Yates will direct. The official synopsis reads:

Albus Dumbledore is a young teacher, full of ambition and hope. But his ideals are tested when he is sent to a remote boarding school where problem children have been sent. Here he finds himself up against a repressed and restrictive regime as well as damaged children who really don’t know what they want. However, Albus is not to be daunted and by getting the students to stand on their desks, refer to him ‘Captain, my Captain!’ and watch an old VHS of Dead Poet’s Society, while he agrees loudly in the background, he is able to transform their lives as well as coaching the local Quidditch team to take them all the way through to the Regionals! Dumbledore Begins is an uplifting drama that fully explores the meaning of learning and growing in a world of magic and fear.

Dumbledore Begins will be released in 2016.

EMMA WATSON AND PRINCE HARRY TO MARRY

BALMORAL – Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) and Prince Harry Potter are to get married, the Palace announced today.

The a small private ceremony will take place at their former school of Hogwarts and will be attended by close friends and relatives. Friends of the couple said that the romance has been off / on for almost a year and were surprised at the sudden decision to commit.

Emma’s ex-boyfriend Ron Weasley said that he thinks Emma is making a mistake:

Prince Harry is not her type at all. She likes books and is clever, and he is the only person I know who would open a tube of Pringles sideways. She is cultured and a talented actor and he dresses as a Nazi for fun.

Is it possible that you’re just jealous?

Oh, absolutely. I screwed that up royally. Ha ha. Royally? No? Okay.

Kate Middleton and Prince William are understood to have gone on a secret double date with his brother and Emma, paint-balling. A court insider told the Exec:

It was totes rad. They were like absolutely covered in the umph-ka. Can you imagine it? Emma was bright magenta and the Duchess of Cornwall was lime green. Poor Harry had shot himself in the face peering down the barrel. But seemed none the worse for wear. And they were all laughing like incredibly well bred drains. I know they wanted J.K. Rowling to write the vows but they can’t afford her.

The Royal Wedding will take place sometime next week, following which Emma Watson will be known as Duchess Hermione of Granger.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE CHANGES NAME TO HARRY POTTER

HOLLYWOOD – In a surprising move, actor Daniel Radcliffe has changed his name by deed poll to Harry Potter.

The diminutive ex-Hogwarts actor spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

For years, I’ve been fighting against typecasting and trying to escape the shadow of my most famous role. But now I’ve come to realize everyone just thinks of me as Harry Potter, whether I’m blinding horses in Equus or writing beat poetry and having gay sex in Kill Your Darlings, people just keep saying why is Harry Potter blinding horse, why is Harry Potter writing Beat poetry and having gay sex. I spoke to my therapist and she said why don’t you just run with it, so that’s what I’ve decided to do. From now on I will be Harry Potter.

Does this mean there might be a chance you will return to play Harry Potter?

No absolutely not. I’m totally done with that character.

But now you’re called Harry Potter…

Well, exactly. You see? Can you imagine Harry Potter is Harry Potter? It wouldn’t work. It’d be a nonsense. And so there we have it.

Ah, I see. Well thank you, Harry.

Mnnnnnn. Okay. Yes. Harry Potter. Yes.

 

HARRY POTTER TO PLAY 007

HOLLYWOOD – Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe today revealed his biggest ambition: to play British secret agent 007, otherwise known as James Bond.

The pint sized actor told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

If you think about it the perfect role for me would be James Bond. I mean I’m already established in the minds of the public as a British icon and so that’s half the battle. When we were doing the Deathly Hallows, I kept delivering this line ‘The name’s Potter, Harry Potter’ and we’d all laugh. But then I got to thinking. Why not? I’d be brilliant.

Radcliffe had further ideas about the direction the Bond franchise could take.

It wouldn’t necessarily be a problem that people think of me as Harry Potter. Why not incorporate that into the stories? Instead of going to Q division I could go to Diagon Alley. And I could use potions and spells, a Walther PKK wand and an Austin Martin Nimbus 2000. It would be fantastic.

The current Bond, Daniel Craig, believes that Radcliffe would be a good choice:

He’s got the presence, certainly and it would be interesting to make Bond younger. A sort of Jimmy Bond.

The producers Michael G Wilson and Barbara Broccoli were more circumspect about the possibility of a Radcliffe Bond anytime soon:

Ha ha ha, that’s funny. Yes, good one.

James Bond and the Mission of Danger  will be released in 2017.

PHARRELL WILLIAMS LANDS HOGWARTS ROLE

HOLLYWOOD – Happiness Guru and songster Pharrell Williams will appear in the new Hogwarts spin off movie Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. The Studio Exec caught up with the chipper singer in his LA hotel room. 

How do you feel about landing a role in the new film?

Well, I’m a huge Harry Potter fan, I’ve read all the books. Seen the movies like a million times. So, yes, I feel real good about this. 

Do you feel like a hot air balloon that could go to space?

Do I what? Oh, I see. No, that’s good. I mean that’s a lyric from my song.

Would you say that when you heard the news you felt like a room without a roof?

Right. Erm. Again that’s a lyric from my song. So I get it. Yes, if you want to put it that way, yes, I feel happy.

But you’re not clapping your hands?

As I said, those are lyrics from my songs. I don’t…

Clap your f*cking hands!

Hey, not cool, man.

CLAP!

Okay, there you go [CLAPS HAND without ENTHUSIASM]. Happy?

Do you see me clapping my hands?

No.

There’s your answer.

At this point the interview was terminated by the arrival of security and a swift exit via the balcony, beach umbrella, fire escape and swimming pool.  

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them will be released in 2015.

SCRIPT LEAK: SAVING MR DUMBLEDORE



EXT. AIRPORT

JK ROWLING steps out of the airport to be greeted by her driver.

ROWLING

What’s that smell? It’s … it’s…

DRIVER

Jasmine.

ROWLING

Ah yes. Jasmine.



INT. STUDIO. JACK WARNER’S OFFICE

JACK WARNER sits at a desk anachronistically.

WARNER

Ms. Rowling. I love your Harry Potter books. We want to pay millions of dollars to turn them all into multi-million dollar blockbusters.

ROWLING

Okay.

 

FIN

SNEAK PEEK FROM HARMONY KORINE’S HARRY POTTER SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – When Harmony Korine was handed the reigns of the follow up movie to Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows Part Two, we all knew that the 40 year old enfant terrible of American cinema would take the franchise in a predictably conventional transgressive direction and so it has proved. 

The first publicity shots to come out from Harry Potter and the Abuse of  Peoples and Substances show Daniel Radcliffe as Harry Potter, a pale shadow of his former self, his body destroyed by years of abuse and intoxication. The corrective laser surgery on his eyesight and the plastic surgery to remove that bothersome scar means that he has become a babe magnet and while at home he keeps Ginny Weasley (Bonnie Wright) in a perpetual state of pregnancy while he goes out and indulges in his sex addiction at the local stables (?) Meanwhile Hermoine Granger (Emma Watson) dances around looking vacant and trying to fill her empty soul with the flooding numbness of alcohol and cocaine. Her husband Ron Weasley (Rupert Grint) is driven to despair, walking around buck naked and threatening anyone who sniggers with a replica pistol.   

Harmony Korine commented exclusively to Studio Exec that:

The Harry Potter series for many of my generation is like the Beatles and the Rolling Stones. These are the lives by which we have lived our own, but rather than indulge in glib power fantasies involving magic and mythical beasts, I’ve put the same characters into situations of ‘real life’, drug abuse, violence, disappointment, self-hatred, bitterness, vacuous emptiness and despair, sexual addiction and perversion, violence. Did I mention  self-hatred?

 Harry Potter and the Abuse of Peoples and Substances will be released on Xmas day 2016.

 

DAMIEN LEWIS SIGNS ON FOR YOUNG DUMBLEDORE

HOLLYWOOD – Homeland and Band of Brothers star Damien Lewis has signed on to play Albus Dumbledore in the new Warner Bros Harry Potter spin-off Young Albus.

The news came as something of a surprise following as it did a week in which Mr. Lewis appeared to criticize actors Ian McKellan and Michael Gambon as fruity actors who wind up playing wizards. Sir Ian responded in an interview with the British publication The Radio Times that ‘no one needs to feel sorry for me’. Captain Brody later apologized saying his comments had been taken out of context. Some believe that his decision to play the Hogwarts headmaster to be might be an act of contrition, although he denied this.

The fact of the matter is I was already in talks to play Albus long before this furor. I’m a huge Harry Potter fan and the script is full of fantastic stuff and humor so I’m really looking forward to playing the role. Plus Homeland has kind of jumped the shark. And I don’t want to be one of those actors like Hugh Laurie, or Dominic West, or George Clooney who can’t escape television. Oh wait, I hope they won’t be offended by that.

The first Harry Potter film not to be based on a J.K. Rowling novel, Young Albus does however have the author’s full approval. ‘I admire Damien as an actor,’ said Rowling. ‘And David Mamet’s script is a really interesting change in direction. With a lot of people repeating each other’s lines.’

Young Albus is due out in 2015. 

JK ROWLING’S NEW HARRY POTTER TO ‘EXPLORE ADULT THEMES’

LONDON – News that J.K. Rowling was working on a new script set in the Harry Potter universe was greeted yesterday with skepticism and enthusiasm in equal measure, but today Studio Exec has learned that the film will actually be a continuation of the Harry Potter story. 

According to an insider close to the Rowling camp: ‘J. K. is a big Mike Leigh fan and I think Harry Potter and the Grinding Boredom of Domestic Life is going to reflect that.’
She continues:

The story begins a few years down the line from the end of the last one and Harry’s marriage to Ginny is on the rocks. He’s been having an on off affair with Hermione Granger and is racked with guilt. His best friend Ron knows that Hermione is cheating on him (but not with who) and has become an angry alcoholic prone to bouts of domestic violence. There are some moments of magic but few and far between.

It is yet to be seen whether Mike Leigh will agree to direct the film but our source believed that Sirius Black star, Gary Oldman would make a good second choice: ‘His Nil By Mouth is very close to the spirit of what J.K. is trying to achieve.’ 

 Harry Potter and the Grinding Boredom of Domestic Life will be released in 2015. 

THE BLING RING: REVIEW

THE BLING RING: REVIEW – Hermione Granger (Emma Watson) has moved to LA and made a film with the best part of Godfather 3.

Based on ‘true’ events, the film starts with a kind of punkish promise, but it soon becomes drably repetitive pop art bullshit which seeks the nuanced profundity of Spring Breakers.
If you thought listening to people jaw away on cocaine, watching them dance in slow motion trances and take pictures of themselves with their phones is the best thing ever, then OMG you are going to die of excitement. Watch Mark and his spoilt rich brats break into the houses of spoilter richer brats! Laugh a the stupidity of Paris Hilton, not only because she’s stupid but she let them make the film in her house, even as they take the piss out of her.
The film is set up like a satire, but Sofia Coppola is so in love with her subject that she can only give it a mild ribbing, before making us feel they’re being punished harshly for their crimes. I was left wondering how they would have been dealt with if they’d been black teenagers breaking into Orlando Bloom’s house. Yeah, probably exactly the same.