REGINALD PERRIN THE MOVIE BEGINS SHOOTING

HOLLYWOOD – The Exec can exclusively reveal everyone’s favorite ‘he who must not be named’ is to starring in Reginald Perrin The Movie. Ralph Fiennes has started shooting Reginald Perrin The Movie in London, with Charlie Kaufman directing. We spoke with Ralph Fiennes about the project.

Ralph, What Drew You To Reginald Perrin The Movie?

People say I look like Leonard Rossiter. That’s about it, really. Oh, and the money was good.

Was That It?

At first, yeah. But then they got Charlie on board to direct it. So it went from a low budget remake of a beloved 70s British sit-com to some kind of meta upon meta, upon meta version of Leonard Rossiter’s life. Honestly, I haven’t got Scooby Doo what’s going on now. But then Netflix came on board. So therefore the budget shot up, as did my fee. Happy fucking days innit!

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Changes From The 70s BBC Version We All Know?

I’ll try, but you know, it’s a Charlie Kaufman movie so who the fuck knows what’s going on. It’s pretty much the same up until the point Reggie fakes his own suicide. He then comes back as Leonard Rossiter and auditions for 2001: A Space Odyssey. The script then keeps changing between Reggie’s and Leonard’s lives. They both judge each other with a melancholic, self-referencing, self-loathing irony. You know, standard Charlie Kaufman stuff. Everyone drifts away until it’s just them, sat in a room staring at each other as they discuss the merits of the Dick Clement and Ian La Frenais so-called comedy, Water. That was Leonard’s last film. I think Michael Caine has agreed to play himself.

Jesus.

Hey, you said it man. Nobody f- oh wait. Hang on, that’s the Coens, not Kaufman. My apologies. Wrong meta gag. Can you tell me what’s real please? I’m getting tired of Charlie’s shit.

Reginald Perrin The Movie Is Due Out Next Year

HARRY POTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF SECRET TO GET A SEQUEL

Warner Bros order sequel to Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. Could this be the beginning of a franchise?

So Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets is going to have a follow up. Fans celebrated today at the news but some wondered if perhaps Daniel Radcliff and Emma Watson and the other one weren’t perhaps too old to reprise the roles? Or even too successful with loads of other things to do rather than go back to the roles that first saw them made famous in 2002.

We asked the stars. How do you feel about the sequel, Daniel Radcliffe?

Brill. 

Emma?

Yes, please.

Ginger one?

Great. No plans. 

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets 2 will be in cinemas in 2019. 

TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE FOETUS

HOLLYWOOD – The Latest Texas Chainsaw Massacre film is to go deep into the past. 

Following the success at cinemas this Friday of the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3D, Lionsgate have announced a further nineteen films based on the popular abattoir worker/murderer franchise.

‘We think that Leatherface and chums just have so many other stories to tell,’ said Munkus Struttal, Lionsgate CEO. ‘And we’re very eager to cash the cheques and buy the cars and houses that the money those movies earn give us.’

Jon Favreau is directing the first two films in what is already being described as a saga:

We’re going for a Harry Potter style biography of Leatherface from soup to nuts. I’m directing the first two films in the series: Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Foetus and Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Baby. In the first film there’s a fantastic scene, kind of like a Caesarian section, which is ironic because the very first chainsaw was designed for exactly that. Not from the inside out though obviously.

Doesn’t the making of sequels of dodgy genre properties represent a dip in your career?

Are you kidding me? After Cowboys and Aliens I’m just glad anybody will hire me. 

 Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Foetus will be released in 2019.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE TO PLAY ELIJAH WOOD IN BECOMING FRODO

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Radcliffe is to play Elijah Wood in a new biopic: Becoming Frodo.

Daniel Radcliffe has been cast to play fellow actor Elijah Wood in a new biopic of the Lord of the Rings star: Becoming Frodo. Radcliffe spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the challenges of the role:

I’ve been watching Elijah all my life as an actor. Watching him grow and develop from the days of Flipper and The Ice Storm. As a fellow child actor, I’ve looked at Elijah as role model and inspiration. So it really makes sense to me to make this movie. In a way it’s an act of gratitude.

What will the film be about?

We will cover his career from the start to the filming and triumph of Fellowship of the Ring. We were worried about portraying him as a Hobbit because of the shortness thing. But luckily I’m really really short, naturally. So that won’t be a problem.

And how does this fit in with the film Elijah Wood is making about you: Becoming Harry?

This is where it gets interesting. If this film is a success, we’re thinking of making a sequel. This would include me playing Elijah making Becoming Harry. Charlie Kaufman is already writing a draft.

Becoming Frodo released in 2018.

EMMA WATSON’S BOOBS AND FEMINISM: A MANSPLANATION

HOLLYWOOD – So Emma Watson is a feminist and has boobs!? And….?

Knives were out for Emma Watson this week following a photo shoot for Vanity Fair showed and under bit and some side boob, confirming that the former Hermione Granger has boobs. This wouldn’t have been deemed in anyway controversial, except that Watson CLAIMS to be a feminist! Yeah, that’s right a feminist with boobs. Unbelievable. Oh and by the way, I once met renowned socialist Noam Chomsky and get this: he was wearing shoes! It was unbelievable. All his bullshit about manufacturing consent and the US policy of dominance in the world, calling himself a progressive and yet walking around in a pair of shoes. What the fuck, right?

Oh but I guess the idea is that if Watson is a feminist she must be like a puritan of some kind who objects to the objectification of the female body. Is that it? Well, that’s one argument in one kind of feminism, I guess. But not all feminists accept it. The basic definition is that feminist believe that women should have legal, social and political equality, the same freedoms as men take for granted. So the most important idea is that of choice and freedom to exercise those choices. The freedom to reclaim their own bodies as well, if need be.

This non-argument is the last thrash of saddoes who can’t handle women exercising their freedom. This is the Ford model of liberation: you’re free to do whatever you want as long as it conforms to what I think you should do. You can say whatever you like as long as it doesn’t upset me. You can call yourself a feminist, a word most critics don’t even understand the basic definition of, as long as then you behave to my own misapprehension of what the word means.

Fact of the matter is Emma Watson has grown up. It’s time we did too.

ELIJAH WOOD TO STAR AS DANIEL RADCLIFFE IN BECOMING HARRY

HOLLYWOOD – Elijah Wood is to play Daniel Radcliffe in new movie.

A new movie documenting Daniel Radcliffe’s early career stars Elijah Wood. The Lord of the Rings star will write and direct the movie also. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

I’m majorly psyched about the role. Radcliffe is for all of us a pole star. He’s the actor by which all us other child actors take our bearings. Like the pole star. I’ve just said that, haven’t I?

What’s the movie about?

The film charts the rise of Radcliffe. The struggles he had to overcome in order to achieve greatness. The main difficulty will be making me into a small child again, but we’re using Hobbit technology, forced perspective and all that, so we’ll be okay. The hope is that the movie will come off and then we can follow his journey, finishing with the triumph of Imperium.

Becoming Harry will be released in August.

HARRY POTTER AND THE ALT-RIGHT GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – The new Harry Potter film is set to embrace the new political shift in the USA.

Following the election of Donald trump and the rise of the Alt-Right, JK Rowling promised the new Harry Potter movie will reflect these changes.

Harry Potter and the Alt-Right will see a middle-aged Harry deal with the disappointments of his life by blaming black people and gays and women. It isn’t going to be uplifting, but what do I know?

Steve Kloves has been replaced by Stephen Bannon as a writer and Hermione is first discovered penitently attending the funeral of Ron’s aborted sperm. Harry lives in a Nigel Farage-ville having been expelled from England following Brexit. Voldemort has returned and rules the world. Everyone seems to be okay with this.

Harry Potter and the Alt-Right will be released on January 20, 1812.

 

HARRY POTTER AND THE CURSED CHILD PIONEERS GROUNDBREAKING 3D

LONDON – JK Rowling’s Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is being praised for its groundbreaking 3D technology.

Audiences have been wowed by the amazing 3D of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child now showing at only one cinema in London. Fans who saw the film said that the experience was like nothing else they had seen at the cinema. Jenny Biscott told the Studio Exec:

It’s better than IMAX and IMAX 3D because it is so immersive. It’s almost like a hologram because you can see around the characters as they move and the resolution is just unbelievable. The level of detail is remarkable.

The film makers however are keeping the secrets of their technology under wraps, claiming hilariously that the film is not actually a film at all. There has also been criticism from Potter fans that the film is not going to be put into wide distribution, meaning that many are having to pay astronomically high ticket prices to see the show.

In the film, Jamie Parker plays a middle aged Harry Potter who sees his son go off to Hogwarts where he makes friends with the son of his old enemy Draco Malfoy.

Harry Potter and the Cursed Child is currently showing in London.

HARRY POTTER JOINS WHITE POWER GROUP

HOLLYWOOD – Sad news at Hogwarts, as former Griffendor alumni and Quiditch champion Harry Potter today revealed himself to be a member of a white power group.

Harry Potter is a neo-Nazi, we have learned today. Speaking from his personal blog – there ain’t no black in the Griffendor flag – Potter wrote:

I’m sick of black people and muggles infecting the purity of our race. As a wizard I feel it is my duty to maintain as much as I can the blood lines of the ancient wizards. Although Voldemort was wrong in many of the things he said, I have come to agree that at least he made the trains run on time. Which can be more than can be said for that amateur Dumbledore.

The news was met with shock and dismay by thousands of Potter fans. Hermione  Granger, wizardry ambassador for the UN, had this to say:

I know Harry has been under a lot of pressure. Ginny has left him adn life has not been kind following the travails and early fame of his youth. However, none of this condones the outright racism and violent rhetoric he has employed. I believe he should be very carefully monitored and as a so called mud blood myself, I do see this as a personal betrayal.

Potter’s racist and hateful views became evident when he was spotted at a White Power rally in Alabama, USA.

Imperium will be released in August, 2016.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE’S NEW HARRY POTTER FILM ‘VERY DIFFERENT’

SUNDANCE – The new Daniel Radcliffe film Harry Potter film Harry Potter and the Swiss Army Man has divided audience at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah.

Daniel Radcliffe returns in the role that made him famous – Harry Potter – in his new film showing at Sundance Harry Potter and The Swiss Army Man, but critics have been divided by the franchises new direction.

Xavier Poulis writes:

It is great to have a new Harry Potter film and it is praiseworthy that Daniel Radcliffe has taken the character in a new direction but we might think that this is perhaps a bit too far.

In the new film directed by Daniel Kwan and Daniel Scheinert sees Harry found dead on a shore. Paul Dano is the man who finds him and the two embark on a journey as Harry, a corpse magically is alive – he is after all a wizard – and farts and has an erect penis all the way through. Many walked out of the film’s premier at the Sundance Film Festival. Outside fans expressed their dismay.

Judy Bartholomew told the Studio Exec:

It was terrible. I mean there was no Ron, no Hermione. It was almost as if it had nothing to do with Harry Potter at all. I was very disappointed.

The Sundance Film Festival has been buried under an avalanche.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE FANTASTIC BEASTS TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – J.K. Rowling’s world of magic returns with Harry Potter spin off Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

The trailer for J.K. Rowling adaptation Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them hit the internet today, but what do we really know about it? The Studio Exec FACT Squad grabbed their wands and broomsticks and headed to England to find out. Lumos Maxima!

One. It isn’t Star Wars: the Force Awakens and so not really of interest.

Two. Eddie Redmayne stars in it, but he doesn’t have motor-neuron disease or wear a dress, so hopes of another Oscar nomination are thin. He does say the word ‘smidge’ though.

Three. Like all best Harry Potter stories, it’s set in New York. This will please many Potter-heads who were dismayed when the original Harry Potter novels were all relocated to England for tax reasons. As anyone who has read the books can tell you, they were originally set in Arizona.

Four. Eddie Redmayne was in all of the original Harry Potter movies but you can’t see him because he was hiding.

Five. This will be the first screenplay that J.K. Rowling has ever written herself. Talking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec she discussed her unique technique for adapting her book. She said, ‘I cut out all the bits where they don’t speak and where the scene changes I write INT or EXT just beforehand.’

For more FACTS click here.

 

BRENDAN GLEESON ‘NO MORE BIT PARTS’

HOLLYWOOD – Irish character actor Brendan Gleeson today said that he would only be accepting scripts where he has the starring role.

Brendan Gleeson – to be seen in Ron Howard’s latest In the Heart of the Sea – has announced that he will no longer be considering bit parts in movies.

He came by the Studio Exec bungalow to get some stuff off his chest.

You know Exec, I’ve been in this game a long while. All the way back to The Field in 1990. And since then I’ve racked up a healthy number on the old IMDb there. About seventy feature films in all and a shit tonne of telly as well. But the thing is the vast majority of those films, I’m just a bit part. I have a speaking role of course and I get to do my stuff but mostly there’s some other tall shite hogging the scenes, getting all the lasses and making off with the loot.

That’s terrible.

I know. At first I didn’t mind so much. I was happy to that there Hollywood. Swimming pools, movie stars, you know how it is. The work was good and I was usually done in a week or two. But I’m always Mel Gibson’s fat mate, or Tom Cruise’s superior officer, or one of Harry Potter’s teachers. I even got cuckolded by that thin glass of water Orlando Bloom in Troy.

I remember.

And I wanted to be doing more. I got a chance in The General and I really enjoyed it and again with The Guard and Calvary. But these parts were far and few between. So now I’ve just decided, feck it. I want to be a proper movie star and that’s that.

But you’re a really respected character actor.

I am so. And I know that. But my old mate Tom Wilkinson came over the other Saturday and we got to talking because he basically has the same problem. If anything it’s worse for him because I get the scripts first and he can only do those I don’t want to. Anyway Tom was saying ‘you’re a great actor big man. You should be going for the leading man roles more, so you should’ and I thought, he’s not wrong. At first, I was reluctant. ‘What about all the small parts, the villains and what not that they want me to play?’ but Tom said he’d take those on and not to worry a lick.

Brendan Gleeson will next be appearing in Bond 25.

NEW FRANKENSTEIN MOVIE ABOUT FRANKENSTEIN NOT REALLY FRANKENSTEIN

HOLLYWOOD – The new Frankenstein movie Victor Frankenstein isn’t really Frankenstein.

Paul Muigan’s new take on the Mary Shelley classic Victor Frankenstein isn’t actually Frankenstein but purports to tell the story of the secret story behind Frankenstein. Victor Frankenstein is played by James McAvoy who is most famous for playing Mr. Tumnus in the Narnia films. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the film:

You see the thing about Frankenstein by Mary Shelley is that there are a lot of words and these words are organised into sentences and they just go on and on for over two hundred pages, and we thought wouldn’t it be better if we just took the names and then added a few others and then went at it like that. I mean who wants Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. You’d have to be an idiot to want Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

Kenneth Branagh did Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.

Yeah, but it wasn’t really Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, was it?

He actually called it Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein. 

That I did not know. Okay. Well, there you go. It’s been done to death hasn’t it. And then James Whales did the classic version of Frankenstein and we can’t really compete with that. Then Mel Brooks did the best comedy Frankenstein in Young Frankenstein, so we don’t want to go that far. So we decided to do the shittest Frankenstein.

Well done. I think you’ve achieved your aim.

Thank you very much.

How was it working with Daniel Radcliffe?

Who?

Harry Potter.

Oh it was fantastic. You see he knows all about magic, he does card tricks, pulls handkerchiefs out of your ear, the whole thing. So as you know filming can be very dull, and Harry would always entertain the ‘muggles’ as he calls them.

Victor Frankenstein is in the cinema.

CUTE CHILD ACTORS WHO TURNED INTO CANS OF TUNA

HOLLYWOOD – Did you know that these Cute Child Actors became tins of tuna soon after they finished being children?

We all have a special place in our hearts for child actors – Macauley Culkin, Shia LaBeouf and that little girl from the Poltergeist movie who died.

However, do you know what happens to them after they finish being children?

No, of course you didn’t, you uncaring heartless bastards. Jesus Christ, you are the worst kind of person. You should be locked in a special cage for the unfeeling. I’m surprised you’re allowed to talk to people or use a computer. You should be on a special list.

Anyway, now you can find out. Most of them – 73% according to a recent study – are turned into cans of tuna. This gallery proves that fact to also be reality.