HOLLYWOOD – In alarming news for Star Wars fans everywhere, Chewbacca – the large walking carpet as he prefers to be known – ruled himself out of any participation in the new Disney run Star Wars sequel Episode 7. ‘It’s a blatant cash grab,’ said the Wookie. ‘And frankly I have better things to do with my time.’

Chewbacca retired from acting in 1993 after his character’s scenes were axed from Schindler’s List.

‘When that happened I was devastated,’ says Chewie. ‘I had really seen this as an opportunity not to be typecast and to do something with a little more heft, but Steven said that it wasn’t fitting to the period or tone of the piece. Well, fine but he could have made that decision earlier and saved me six months of hard work.’

Since retiring from acting, Chewbacca has pursued a variety of failed business ventures and botched career changes:

I was a golf pro at a Palm Springs course, but then I had to leave because of … ahem … indiscretions. Then I opened my own series of Korean themed fast food restaurants called Chewie’s Chews; you heard of them? No? I’m not surprised. They were open a week before we got closed down. 

Always seen as the loose canon of the Star Wars cast, Chewbacca is unforgiving in his assessments of the other alumni from a galaxy far, far away, recently causing outrage when he commented: ‘Hamill’ll do anything for a peanut butter sandwich.’

‘I wish them all the luck in the world, but at the moment I have my Zumba club to concentrate on,’ Chewie said, before giving us his trade mark arrghghhghhwargghgh.  


HOLLYWOOD – More Cowboys and More Aliensthe ill-fated sequel to the ill-fated Science Fiction Western mash up, has been shot in the head with a six shooter after first being frozen in the blue glow of a zap gun.  

The sequel to Cowboys and Aliens was to feature the return of Daniel Craig as the pitiless outlaw who suddenly finds his humanity killing aliens and Harrison Ford as the sadistic ranch owner who suddenly finds humanity killing aliens, along with a cast of new stars who all find humanity while killing aliens. Jon Favreau the “Director” said: “Ultimately, no one could be bothered.”

Sam Rockwell who played Doc in the original film – a cowardly man who suddenly finds his humanity by killing aliens – expressed relief that the sequel would not go ahead. “The first film began with all these high hopes.”, said Rockwell, “It’s going to make Wild Wild West look like Jonah Hex, but that didn’t make the slightest bit of sense.”
He added – “I would pay money not to have to appear in that film.”

More Cowboys and More Aliens will be released in 2015.