INDIANA JONES 5 A NATIONAL PRIORITY, SAYS TRUMP

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump placed Indiana Jones 5 at the top of his budget yesterday.

President Trump – two words as unappealing as edible toilet – mentioned only one movie in his budget – Indiana Jones 5. In a statement the White House said:

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was the best Indiana Jones movie ever. The President believes it is in the national interest that the sequel, Indiana Jones 5 goes ahead. As soon as we can. Before Harrison Ford crashes his plane again. So basically before next Thursday.

Steven Spielberg welcomed the president’s proclamation as well as the funds which the budget will allocate to the movie. $50 million are to be given to the studio which makes the next Indiana Jones films, money which will be raised by selling poor children to the rich men.

Indiana Jones and the Beautiful Kremlin of Bigly will be released in 2018.

HARRISON FORD GETS A NEW AIRPLANE

HOLLYWOOD – The American Aviation Authority has bought Star Wars and Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford a new airplane.

Following his recent near miss, the American Aviation Authority in an unprecedented move have bought a new plane for Harrison Ford. The AAA told the Studio Exec:

This is getting scary. You know how bad things come in threes? Well, we thought it’d be better if we purchased Mr. Ford and airplane he can use without endangering other people.

Ford told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

What happened the other day was scary and I don’t want a repeat of it. So I was so happy when the man from the AAA turned up with my new plane. What can I say? First of all, I love it. It’s blue, except for the undercarriage. That’s red. And then it has a propeller which goes round. That’s really important.

Harrison Ford will be appearing in Blade Runner 2049.

RYAN GOLSING EXPLAINS BLADE RUNNER 2049 FIRST IMAGES

HOLLYWOOD – The first images from Blade Runner 2049 show Ryan Gosling looking like Harrison Ford.

Ryan Gosling just came round to the Studio Exec bungalow to give an EXCLUSIVE insight into the Blade Runner 2049 images.

So hey. This is basically me. I play this guy who basically worship Harrison Ford’s character Rick Deckard. He’s this legendary Blade Runner and I want to be just like him. So I got to this coat shop, where they sell these long coats and I say can I have one like this. And I show them this picture of Deckard wearing the coat. And they say sure. I say it’s a little different but okay. Then I go and get a hair cut.

A hair cut?

And I show them the photograph and I say…

I want a hair cut like Rick Deckard. 

Hey, have you read the script?

No. I was just… go on.

Then I go and meet Rick Deckard. And he has a piano.

We see that in the trailer.

Right. But now I can play the piano, because of La La Land so we start a jazz combo. We call ourselves Zinc Omelette and become famous.

You’re not Ryan Gosling.

I have seen things you people wouldn’t believe.

Blade Runner 2049 will open the Venice Film Festival in 2017.

SHIA LABEOUF SUFFERING FROM THE CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf claims Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull almost destroyed his entire life.

Noted actor and performance artist Shia LaBeouf has spoken for the first time about the so-called ‘curse of the Crystal Skull’. Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the Transformers star had this to say:

I was so excited about appearing in an Indiana Jones movie I can’t tell you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would turn into such a nightmare. From the day after we wrapped things went wrong. I began to appear at premieres with a bag over my head. Shouted in theatres. I started drinking. Even appeared in a Lars Von Trier film for crying out loud. At my lowest I sat on my own in a cinema and watched all the films I had been in. I can’t tell you how that was.

Other stars have complained of the effects of the movie. First, Harrison Ford crashed his plane and lost all his hair and then Cate Blanchett appeared in The Hobbit. Even producer George Lucas accidentally sold Star Wars to Disney following the film.

LaBeouf says:

The only person who got away with it was Spielberg. He’s as happy as he ever was.

Indiana Jones and the Trump Presidency will be released in 2018.

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK MONKEY DIES

HOLLYWOOD – 2016 claims another victim as esteemed monkey actor famous for Raiders of the Lost Ark dies.

The film world is in mourning today as news came in that George Applethwaite, the monkey actor  most famous for his role in the Indiana Jones adventure Raiders of the Lost Ark has died.

Tributes flooded in from all over the world. Harrison Ford described Applethwaite as ‘a formative influence on my acting style and a great personal friend’ and Andy Serkis hailed the late actor as ‘a pioneer for all of us monkey actors, we all stand on the shoulders of Applethwaite’.

The body of Applethwaite was discovered at his Malibu beach house by a cleaner and although the coroner has not declared the cause of death speculation is rife that he took his own life. Applethwaite shot to fame as the turncoat monkey who betrays Indiana Jones to the Nazis in the first film of the blockbuster franchise. Ironically, Applethwaite was famous for his radical left wing views which sat uncomfortably with the money and fame he garnered with his acting. Protegé Serkis remembered his guru:

George always told me that in another life he would have prefered to have been a writer, someone who could really influence the world. But he was cursed with this gift of acting and once he achieved success there was no stopping him.

Applethwaite followed up his work with Spielberg with Oscar nominated turns as the Austrian Emperor in Amadeus and in the role of the sadistic sergeant in Oliver Stone’s Platoon and a long productive collaboration with Philip Glass. However, in recent years Applethwaite’s career had stalled and a series of scandals involving IRS investigations had led the star into depression and alcohol abuse.

Perhaps the most moving tribute to Applethwaite was paid by John Rhys-Davies, the actor who played Sallah in Raiders, who tweeted two words which said it all:

‘Bad dates’.

For more news about movies, CLICK HERE.

 

5 FACTS WE KNOW ABOUT BLADE RUNNER 2049

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sends in the FACT squad to run the Voight-Kampff test on the new Blade Runner 2049.

Denis Villeneuve’s follow up to Ridley Scott’s sci-fi classic Blade Runner 2049 has been shrouded in mystery but the Studio Exec FACT squad has been on the job – though one of them got fried running through an electric field. So here are the 5 FACTS they uncovered.

One. The whole of Blade Runner 2049 takes place at eleven minutes to nine PM.

Two. Following his success in LaLa Land, Ryan Gosling will sing the theme song ‘Tears in Rain’ over the opening titles as well as the song ‘Is this to test whether I’m a Replicant (or a lesbian)?’ also known as Blade Runner Love Theme.

Three. The cast for Blade Runner 2049 includes Harrison Ford from the original, as well as Jared Leto, David Letterman, Jack Black, Will Ferrell, Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson and Melissa McCarthy.

Four. Although not directing the film, Ridley Scott has been part of the creative team though scriptwriter Hampton Fancher has said that his contribution consisted solely of demanding ‘a shit load of unicorns.’ This demand has been fully satisfied. Hampton told the Exec: ‘You’ve never seen this many unicorns on film at the same time.’

Five. Whereas in the original there was an ambiguity as to which character was a replicant, in the new film the Canadian director Denis Villeneuve has insisted that there will be a more radical ambiguity. ‘We will suggest that not only are ALL the characters replicants, but also the audience and the filmmakers. Everybody and everything is artificial. Philip K. Dick, I feel would have approved.’

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

GOOD NEWS: WORLD TO END BEFORE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Scientists revealed today that humanity would in all likelihood be extinct prior to the release of Indiana Jones 5, much to the relief of everybody.

A combination of nuclear proliferation, human caused climate change and political instability is almost certain to wipe out mankind by 2018, a full year before the projected release of Indiana Jones 5 a study published in the Scientific American proves. The article says:

Climate change is having a catastrophic effect and we have observed that the Earth is tilting due to the melting of the ice caps. This tilting is just one event which has been fed into a mathematical model with other factors such as nuclear proliferation and economic instability and we can confidently predict everyone on the planet will be dead by 2018. Our calculations show that Indiana Jones 5 will be released post the apocalypse and this is genuinely cheering news.

The news was greeted with relief and in some quarters joy. Steven Spielberg was one of the people to go public with his reaction:

George has come up with a story and Lord helps me it send Indiana Jones into space. It’s a direct follow on from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We’re due to start shooting just as the water rises over our heads and the mushroom clouds bloom on the horizon.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

HARRISON FORD’S EARRING WRITES TELL ALL MEMOIR

HOLLYWOOD – Han Solo and Indiana Jones star Harrison Ford is facing potential scandal as it was revealed that his earring is writing a scandal crammed memoir about his life with the star.

Harrison Ford’s earring has written a memoir of his life with the star and the Studio Exec has got EXCLUSIVE permission to publish the extracts here.

From Chapter One.

It was an ordinary day in Claire’s Accessories on Lexington Avenue. I’d been poked by a couple of Japanese tourists and discarded by a teenager who – by the ordure from his digits – had just been eating a taco. The other rings and I were gossiping about Tavora, the assistant, when who should walk in but Han Solo and his wife Melissa Mathison. Tavora reads gossip magazines out loud so we recognized the hunk from Force Ten from Navarone immediately. ‘Are you sure about this?’ Melissa asked. ‘Sure,’ Harrison said and without even looking he pointed to me and said ‘That one.’ The piercing was over in a jiffy and Harrison didn’t cry or yelp even. He actually sounded disappointed when he said it didn’t hurt.

From Chapter Six.

The divorce was difficult for all of us. I liked Clarissa, I really did and I do. But you have to understand the position I was in. I mean Harrison never took me out. I heard all the sweet nothings, the moans, the passion and late at night in the bathroom the weeping, the pain and regrets. It was a hard time for all of us. And it was our about then that the fungus infection started. Was it related to stress? I’m no doctor. I’m an item of jewelry, to paraphrase DeForest Kelley.

From Chapter Nine.

Daniel Craig was there and Jon Favreau. The’d been talking for over an hour and I got the feeling Harrison was uncertain to say the least. As was customary, he called time and went to take a leak. In the bathroom, he rubbed me gently. ‘Well, what do you say old Pal?’ he asked. ‘Shall we do it?’ I had been a lucky charm for him and now Harrison was asking me career advice. I told him straight. ‘The title stinks, the plot is uncertain and the characters aren’t well defined,’ I told him. He was angry. I could tell he wanted to do it. He reached up and began to take me out. ‘Noooooooooooooo,’ I shouted, but no one could hear my tiny golden voice.

From Chapter Eleven.

Of course there was no way of knowing how Jimmy Fallon would react and Harrison was a little nervous of doing the whole bit. Live TV is a different ball game but I whispered in his ear: ‘Make sure it hurts!’ And I heard an appreciative chuckle from the pilot of the Millennium Falcon.

Lobe Runner: Tales from Harrison Ford’s Left Ear by G. Ring (as told to Chad Sternberger) is available from all good bookstores.

STAR WARS v INDIANA JONES ‘NOT IMPOSSIBLE’ SAYS GEORGE LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today spoke of how it would ‘not be entirely impossible’ for a future Star Wars – Indiana Jones crossover movie.

George Lucas walked into the Studio Exec bungalow like a man reborn. He grabbed a handful of peanut M&Ms from the courtesy bowl threw them high up in the air and then let them cascade onto his silver hair and beard catching a couple in his gaping maw. He settled himself on the Exec couch of truth and put his feet up on the coffee table and proffered a broad grin:

I’m very happy. Things are going well. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a great hit and I’m delighted with that and now Steven Spielberg is busy with the next big project: the new Indiana Jones movie. Harrison Ford is very excited by some of my ideas.

What brought him around?

Well, he was a little upset by the fact that as far as Star Wars is concerned he’s pretty much out of the picture. He was wooed by the idea that he would feature in the young Han Solo spin off but the sad fact is that he is too old to play the young Han Solo, but no one got round to telling Harrison that. So he was pissed. That was what made him change his mind on the Indiana Jones idea. But then I went one further and suggested that maybe there was a way of combining the two.

You mean Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Look, they both come from the same source of inspiration: Saturday morning serials. One is Flash Gordon and the other is more Tarzan, or Rocketman, or some such. But they’re cut from the same cloth so why wouldn’t they be able to crossover? We’ve got a Batman v Superman film coming up after all.

What was Steven Spielberg’s view of this?

I didn’t think he was incredibly happy. He sort of said, ‘Oh George’ the way he does. But the fact of the matter is, he said that about the aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and in the end he filmed my idea.

How would it even work?

Well, Star Wars has always been set in a Galaxy Far Far Away (copyright Disney Studios). But they do have space ships and as those space ships fly faster than the speed of light that means they also have time travel. Plus Indiana Jones in the last film discovered multi-dimensional beings. What if those beings came back and asked for Indiana Jones’ help defeating the First Order? It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch would it?

Is Shia LaBeouf returning?

Jesus Christ, Exec. I’m not completely f*cking nuts!

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DONALD TRUMP WELCOMES INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump has welcomed the news that Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are getting together to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that Indiana Jones 5 will make America ‘great again.’

It’s already happening. I have not even won the presidential nomination nor the election but you can already get a foretaste of what America will be like.  My only concern is that Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Ford will not be able to recreate the brilliance of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because that was truly marvelous. That was – in my opinion – the best of the bunch.

The star of The Apprentice also called for a change however in the film making team.

Yes, it would be good to have the old team back together again, but I truly believe that this venture is so important that perhaps Steven Spielberg should step to one side and allow George Lucas to direct. George Lucas is the man with the ideas and I believe he would be perfect in bringing to the screen an Indiana Jones for Trump’s America.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

BARACK OBAMA CONSIDERS LAW TO PREVENT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – The President of the United States of America Barack Obama is considering a possible legislative solution to the imminent threat of Indiana Jones 5.

Responding to the news that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are threatening to follow the unwiped stain of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Indiana Jones 5, President Obama has declared his intention to seek some sort of legal ban to prevent the movie being made.

I have spoken with my counterparts in the UN, the European Union, Vladimir Putin and the Chinese and for once the world speaks as one. This movie must not be made. Anyone who saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has repeated solemnly, never again.

The UN had previously shown its resolve when it declared Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a war crime and sought to bring George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to book for what they had done to a once loved movie franchise. Special envoy to the UN Kurtz Kurts told the Studio Exec:

The original was a rip-roaring adventure with all the charm of the old movie matinees that inspired it. The original trilogy was a trilogy. It told the story and gave a satisfactory arc to the whole proceedings. Crystal Skull by contrast deserves to be dropped into a disused mine shaft and then covered in concrete, which is what we’ve spent over $7 million doing over the last three years. I mean…Shia LaBeouf.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2018.

 

PEOPLE FORGET TO TELL SPOILER PHOBIC STAR WARS FAN FORCE AWAKENS IS OUT

NEW YORK – An obsessive spoiler phobic Star Wars fan has been told that he can come down and watch the film now, three weeks after the films release.

Obsessive Star Wars fan Colin Hardwright was so worried about hearing spoilers, or having The Force Awakens spoiled via teaser trailers, posters or story leaks that he built himself a fifty foot high pedestal in Manhattan, New York and scaled it on February 16th, 2015.

Colin’s wife Phyllis Hardwick explained Colin’s thinking to the Studio Exec:

Colin is a die-hard Star Wars fan and has been super excited about the new film ever since it was announced. He managed to avoid the first trailer but he knew that there would be more promotional material and he also knew that people might tell him something, even innocently, about I don’t know, the casting or something. So he had been reading about early Christian mystics and he got this idea of going up a pedestal until it was all over.

So then why didn’t he come down for three weeks after the film’s release?

The only problem was we were all so used to him being up there and we were excited by the film and then I wanted to see it again with my new husband. Then there was Christmas and the whole thing in the holidays. You know how during the festive season you forget what day it is, and you’re like, is it Thursday? and I sort of did that but with Colin. I mean, I’ve got a horrible feeling I might have inadvertently committed bigamy.

So what was Colin’s reaction when he finally saw the film?

We didn’t realize it, but he was quite weak. I mean his muscles had atrophied from always being in the same position. So after he descended from the pillar we were getting him to the other side of the road, but he was quite slow and he got hit by a bus.

Oh my God. Is he okay?

He’s kind of dead.

But at least he saw the film, right?

No he died instantly. I mean bang! Weren’t you listening?

Star Wars The Force Awakens is in theaters.

 

GEORGE LUCAS’ FORCE AWAKENS EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – Star Wars: The Force Awakens is currently smashing every record at the Box Office but there was one audience member who wasn’t entirely won over: George Lucas.

In an email to J.J. Abrams, George Lucas has expressed his feelings fully and candidly about Episode 7 of the Star Wars saga: The Force Awakens. The Studio Exec has EXCLUSIVELY received a copy of this email. Because of the newsworthiness of this particular item of correspondence, we have decided – after literally seconds of deliberation – to make it publicly available. Be warned, it does contain SPOILERS (if you want to read our SPOILER FREE review Click Here).

Hi JJ,

It was neat of you to let me have that sneak preview. I really enjoyed it, but – as you can imagine – I do have a few notes. Obviously you’ve made the film and do with them what you will. What do I know? I’m only the guy who INVENTED THE WHOLE F*CKING UNIVERSE *joking*. Okay, so here they are.

Luke Skywalker. WTF? Where is he? The whole movie I’m waiting for Luke Skywalker. Okay, he’s disappeared, but for the entire movie. Han Solo had disappeared in Return of the Jedi. Ten minutes into that film he was found, defrosted and back in the action. Christ almighty, JJ. This is Star Wars 101 here!

R2D2 spends the whole movie asleep. Not cool. This BB8 bullshit is never going to catch on. All that rolling around. Eeew. Reminds me of a Goddamned hairless testicle! And where is Jar Jar Binks? Surely you need some comedy in the film. I mean for the kids. No one stepped in ‘doo-doo’ or got their tongue paralyzed. Seriously, are you the same JJ who thought up the ending of Lost?

You misspelled Tatooine. Jakku? Not even close.

Han Solo and Leia. Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher are great obviously but I would have cast new actors to make them look a bit younger. I caught Taylor Lautner in The Ridiculous Six (very funny BTW). He would be perfect as Solo and Keira Knightley as Leia would have been a natural. File under missed opportunities.

14 parsecs – 12 parsecs – it’s a unit of space not time – asshole! And what was that bullshit with the Deathstar and the Starkiller base? Were you seriously just saying my dick is bigger than George’s dick? Is that what that was? Is it?

Kylo Ren should get his hand cut off (obviously).

Other than those minor criticisms I thought the film on the whole was moderately enjoyable. There are two more films coming up so I would give you some further advice if I might. The second film should be darker, the way Empire Strikes Back was. I would call it something like The Gungans Strike Back. Or Return of the Midi-chlorians. Those would be my favorite titles.

Live Long and Prosper, JJ.

G.L.

For more Star Wars click here. 

 

LEONARDO DICAPRIO CATEGORY ANNOUNCED FOR ACADEMY AWARDS

HOLLYWOOD – A new category and anew award for the ‘Oscars’ or the Motion Picture Academy Awards as they are sometimes called: The Leonardo DiCaprio Award.

Announcing the Award, Motion Picture Academy President Cheryl Boone Isaacs said that the award would be given annually:

It will seek to recognize brilliance and exceptional talent in a motion picture actor, who features in a motion picture in the last calendar year. Although the award will be open to all actors, we are looking to focus on those seasoned performers who have for some reason previously been neglected or disappointed by the Academy. We’re thinking of people like Edward Norton, Tom Cruise, Glenn Close, Johnny Depp, Sigourney Weaver, Harrison Ford, Ed Harris and of course Leonardo DiCaprio.

When asked whether Leonardo diCaprio would win for The Revenant, President Isaacs had this to say:

There is a very good chance Leo might win the Best Actor nomination and eventually the Oscar for Best Actor for his performance. I couldn’t possibly speculate. However, we do know that if he doesn’t, then there’s an even better chance he will win the Best Leonardo diCaprio Oscar. If, that is, Matthew McConaughey doesn’t pip him to the post.

The Oscars will be broadcast on February 28th, 2016.