THE PHANTOM MENACE REBOOT GREENLIT

GREENLIT – The Phantom Menace Reboot has finally been given the go ahead by Disney. Given that Disney never pander to focus group pressure, they have decided The Phantom Menace Reboot will go into production immediately.

 


The Phantom Menace Reboot Starts The Whole Fucking Thing Again

Because nobody has had anywhere near enough Star Wars content yet, Disney are rebooting the whole franchise from the very start. Beginning with The Phantom Menace Reboot, they will re-tell the whole Skywalker saga all over again. The aim is to correct as many mistakes as possible. Darth Maul will be replaced by Darth Jor-Jor, a relative of the ever popular Jar-Jar Binks. And they intend to really ramp up the awkward racial stereotyping. ‘Just think’, said writer Lawrence Kasdan, ‘imagine two Jar-Jar things in a 30 minute elevator-based duologue. The fans will go fucking nuts for this.’

 

Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

The entire original cast are still contractually bound by Lucasfilm and Disney. And both Mark Hamill and Harrison Ford will be returning as their younger selves throughout the saga. This will be achieved by using de-ageing software techniques. These were perfected beyond belief for Martin Scorsese’s The Irishman. Mark is quoted as saying, ‘What the force? They’ve invoked that part of our contracts? Those mother fuckers.’ Echoing Hamill’s delight, Harrison Ford also exclaimed how happy he was to be playing Han Solo once again, ‘I gotta bad feeling about this.’ Was all he kept repeating from the wreckage of yet another successful landing of his aircraft.

 

The Return Of The JJ

As it all went so well last time, JJ Abrams is set to return to helm all 26 Star Wars films which will be shot chronologically. But the director could give no further plans other than, ‘Yeah, well… we’ll make the first one and see how it goes from there. We haven’t planned beyond the first treatment yet. We’ve learned from our mistake of over-planning. We’ve also learned to tone down the ‘women’ in the Star Wars universe. People don’t wanna see strong female characters. Or any female characters in the Star Wars universe, for that matter. They just get in the way of the good ol’ homo-erotic sausage fest Star Wars always has, and always should be. To quote Han Solo, ‘Trust me to beam you up.’


The Phantom Menace Reboots Starts Shooting Next Month

INDIANA JONES 5 TITLE REVEALED

BREAKING NEWS – The Exec can exclusively reveal the name of the Indiana Jones 5 title. 

The Indiana Jones 5 title, in light of recent events, has been changed. The Indiana Jones 5 title will be ‘Injuryana Jones And The Curse Of The Brittle Shoulder’.

Throw Me The Idol, I Give You The Aspirin

After reports broke (pun intended) that Harrison Ford has yet again injured himself while rehearsing a fight scene on the set of the latest Indy film, James Mangold decided to change the name of the film. The Exec caught up with writer / director Mangold who had this to say.

Indiana Jones And The Faulty Hearing Aid

“We were rehearsing a fight scene and I said to Harrison, ‘Ok, let’s try it from there.’ Meaning to try it from that part of the scene. Harrison’s hearing aint what it used to be, bless him. He thought I said ‘Ok, dive off of that chair.’ So the crazy bastard stood on a chain and threw himself off. He landed in a heap and that was that.”

Indiana Jones And The Hasty Rewrites

“He wanted to fly himself to the hospital and just kept saying ‘Trust me.’ But I wasn’t falling for that shit. We carted him away and I got to rewriting the film. It now takes place in a Sports Injury Clinic. That way, when he injures himself again (let’s face it) we can whisk him off to ultra-sound treatment, lickety-splick.

Indy / Unbreakable Crossover

Mangold went on to say, “We’ve been in touch M Night Shyamalan’s people about the possibility of doing an Indiana Jones and Mr Glass crossover film or TV series for Netflix. It’ll just be hours of them pointing at each other shouting ‘CAREFUL NOW’ and ‘MIND THAT CORNER’. It’ll be wild.”

 

More on this as it / he breaks.

RIDLEY SCOTT REVEALS BLADE RUNNER 2049 PREQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott’s next film will be the new Blade Runner 2049 prequel.

Ridley Scott announces a prequel to Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049. With two Alien prequels under his belt, the veteran director now wants to return to the Blade Runner universe.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, the White Squall director had this to say:

I love the idea of going back and making films based on the films that I made in the past. I think they’re often better than the originals. Look at Prometheus. Everyone told me that it was miles better than the original Alien. I’m looking at doing a Thelma and Louise prequel, which would follow Thelma as a young woman. And a Black Rain prequel. Matt Damon even wants to do a Martian prequel which would just be him flying to Mars with the crew.

Wow.

I know. The other advantage in Blade Runner is that I’ve already done a prequel to Blade Runner 2049, so I can just use footage from that. Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer and Sean Young are all in it.

The synopsis reads:

A bounty hunter must find and kill a new kind of synthetic human, the Nexus. But in so doing he must come to terms with his own humanity and the limits of love.

Filming has already started according to Scott.

Blade Runner 2019 is out in August.

HARRISON FORD LOSES HAIR IN CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

LOS ANGELES – Harrison Ford has lost all his hair as a direct result of appearing in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, the fourth instalment of the celebrated archaeology/sadomasochism saga.

Some industry experts have pointed specifically to the scene where Indiana Jones survived a nuclear explosion by hiding in a fridge.

One Lucas insider told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

As everybody knows, Spielberg is a stickler for realism. So he actually had Harrison in the fridge and he actually detonated an actual bomb.

Comparisons have been drawn to other ill fated films, such as Tarkovsky’s Stalker, which cost the life of the director, his wife and one of the lead actors; or the John Wayne one shot near the nuclear testing sites, after which everyone died and stuff.

Other victims of the curse are Ray Winstone who was forced to appear in The Sweeney as a direct consequence of the Curse. John Hurt and Shia LaBeouf were both captured by Danish film maker Lars Von Trier and forced to appear in sex films. Cate Blanchett’s life has been a catalogue of disasters since filming Indy 4. First, she fell in love with a really old guy who then turned into a baby, then she was killed by a child assassin and now it looks like she’s going to have act with Hobbits again.

The one person to have escaped the curse is Karen Allen, who had the fortune to have her scene deleted from I am Number Four, thus saving her a further indignity.

Indiana Jones 5: The Violation of Childhood will be released in 2022.

GEORGE LUCAS ANNOUNCES TOMB RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK IS GO

HOLLYWOOD – Lara Croft and Indiana Jones meet in a Tomb Raider movie to come.

Today George Lucas confirmed that Lara Croft and Indiana Jones will meet in a new Tomb Raider film, following the debut of Alicia Vikander in the role of the video game hero. Lucas spoke excitedly with the Studio Exec, spraying bits of Pringles everywhere.

Alicia is just amazing and Harrison is getting on. So the idea is we have them team up. Harrison does the cerebral stuff and Alicia kicks ass and gets into scrapes.

How does Steven Spielberg feel about this?

I’m going to be taking the chair for this one.

You’re directing it?

Yes. I don’t want to. I want to do small art films. But I can hear all the people after Force Awakens and Last Jedi shouting from behind the fence: ‘Come back George! Show these bozos how it’s done!’

What’s the story?

Indiana Jones finds out that the Ark of the Covenant has been stolen and he is the only one who can get it back. But – importantly – he has a bad back. And that’s where Lara comes in. She has some daddy issues, so she takes to Indy straight away.

This sounds..

Great! I know.

Tomb Raiders of the Lost Ark is filming right now.

HAN SOLO TO APPEAR IN LANDO MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – The trailer for Lando: A Star Wars Story dropped during the NFL Super Bowl and it featured a surprise.

The new Star Wars Story – featuring Donald Glover as Lando Calrissian – just dropped its first teaser trailer and there was a surprise for fans. A brief appearance of Han Solo.  Don’t get too excited it wasn’t Harrison Ford. But rather Alden Ehrenreich. The film is directed by the team who brought you Cloudy with Meatballs and The Lego Movie Far and Away and The DaVinci Code and tells the story of how Childish Gambino became the most legendary smuggler and gambler in the galaxy.

The film also stars Daenerys Targaryen and Woody from Cheers. The appearance of a slightly younger Han Solo than the Han Solo that appears in New Hope sparked speculation that there might be a stand alone Solo Story in the offing.  A rumor that Kathleen Kennedy quickly snuffed.

There will be no stand alone Han Solo movie. Everyone knows that Han Solo is a side show to the more interesting stuff about Skywalkers and Jedis. Plus there’s no actor who could sustain a full length movie playing the iconic role which Harrison Ford created.

Lando: A Star Wars Story will be released in the Summer.

STEVEN F*CKING SPIELBERG IS ACTUALLY GOING TO F*CKING MAKE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg is going to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump is President of the United States. Britain is Brexiting. The ice caps are making. And Steven Spielberg is actually making Indiana f*cking Jones 5.

The news was welcomed by accountants the world over and some tape worms were felt to writhe in anticipation. Shia LaBeouf has gone into hiding and a trail of blue M&Ms was found marking a path from Harrison Ford’s house to an extremely rickety World War One bi-plane.

When asked about the project Spielberg told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The film will be set in the present day Indiana Jones is now extremely old. We’re talking Guy Pearce here. He is called on to go to Charlottesville to pull down some ancient statues. Only here he will find his old nemesis. The Nazis.

Indiana Jones and the Alt Right will be released in 2020.

BLADE RUNNER 2049 ONLY MAKES $210 AT THE BOX OFFICE

HOLLYWOOD – Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049 had a disappointing opening week.

Blade Runner 2049 has flopped at the box office, only taking a measly $210 according to reports.

Harrison Ford star of the film said:

It’s complete shit. You go into a store with $210 dollars, you come out with one shoe.

The disastrous opening came as a surprise as the film boasts two bankable stars, wonderful critical reception and is the sequel of a film largely consider a cornerstone of science fiction cinema. Ryan Gosling contended the news was not all bad:

I know some shoe shops where you can get a decent pair of shoes for $210. Like slip-ons or espadrilles. Obviously not suede ankle boots. Harrison is probably thinking of suede ankle boots. You’d need more money for those.

We asked Denis Villeneuve about the film’s performance.

Obviously I’m disappointed. On the one hand we wanted to make a film in a certain way and I think we made that film. So in that sense I’m glad. But in another, I had my eye on these really nice suede ankle boots and I guess I’m not going to be able to get those now. Until the Dune money comes in at least.

Blade Runner 2049 is still in theaters.

REVIEW – BLADE RUNNER 2049

REVIEW – BLADE RUNNER 2049 – La La Land sequel sets dour tone.

In Blade Runner 2049, Ryan Gosling returns to LA but now it is no longer ‘Another Day of Sun’. Rather it is rainy and sometimes snowy and sometimes dusty and always misty. Following a thirty five year break here is the Blade Runner sequel no one actually asked for. The good news is that it isn’t awful. Gosling is the replicant cop – no ‘is or isn’t he?’ nonsense here – who must hunt down runaway versions of his own kind and dispatch them. When he comes across a body buried in the ground, he finds himself unearthing LITERALLY a secret that could have huge ramifications on the world.

So the good things are as follows. It looks good. Roger Deakins and Denis Villeneuve have done a bang up job of filming the noir elements and making the world of the near future look real. Gosling is fine. His C3PO impression is well within his range. There’s not much Harrison Ford. As with his return as Han Solo, I find Mr ‘Which Runway?’ increasingly plays himself in a way that is distracting. And the story is interesting and well realized.

The bad things are niggles. So in love with its own visual flair, the pacing does drift into prolonged gazing at itself. The procedural detective work just involves Gosling going places slowly. And I didn’t like the way the film tries to be bigger. The original film was about Deckard killing four replicants. Not much was at stake. He didn’t even reallly have to do it. The new film posits the possibility of a revolution or war and epochal change. Weirdly this largeness is incomplete feeling as if it’s setting up another chapter. Jared Leto’s baddie is a creepy Jesus guy but his sporadic appearances feel like something wasn’t quite worked out.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

DANIEL CRAIG SAYS NO TO COWBOYS AND ALIENS 2

HOLLYWOOD – Daniel Craig announces that he won’t star in Cowboys and Aliens 2.

It’s official. Cowboys and Aliens 2 – the sequel to the 2011 blockbuster and critical success  Cowboys and Aliens – will not star Daniel Craig. Produce Lou Dobster spoke with Studio Exec:

It’s painful but it seems Daniel has chosen to take another road. We were all excited about the possibility of exploring the Cowboys and Aliens universe and the public were rabid in their demand for a new film. But apparently Daniel has other fish to fry. I’m not sure if there’s another Stieg Larsson book to adapt, or perhaps he wants to be in Steven Soderberg’s new male stripper film. But the result is that he’s not coming back to reprise the role of Jake Lonergan.

You sound upset.

Not for myself but the fans. I know how much they were invested in the film. But it’s wasn’t to be. Now, I’ll have to start making phone calls. The hardest will be Harrison. He’s been phoning me up every single night. When are we going to do it? When? he says. Jon Favreau at least can make Chef 2 or go back to political speech writing, but Harrison … I don’t think he has anything else in his life except Cowboys and Aliens.

Has this got anything to do with Craig’s decision to return as James Bond?

Who’s James Bond?

Cowboys and Aliens 2 will star Hayden Christensen.

HAN SOLO NEWS: CHRIS MILLER AND PHIL LORD WANTED TO GO ‘FULL LEGO’

HOLLYWOOD –   fire Chris Miller and Phil Lord from the stand alone Star Wars movie Han Solo because ‘they wanted to go full lego’.

The Studio Exec received the shocking news that comedy directors Phil Lord and Chris Miller have been fired from the Han Solo movie only weeks before filming wraps. According to sources close to the production the firing came after tensions between Kathleen Kennedy and Lawrence Kasdan built up with the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs duo. An insider told the Studio Exec:

At first everyone was on board with the direction that Phil and Chris were proposing. Kathleen hired them for their off the wall humor and their irreverence. But there was one major stumbling block that was never fully dealt with and that was what finally did for them. They wanted to do the whole film with lego.

You mean like an animated movie?

No, they were filming live action scenes. We went to Italy to film in the Dolomites. All over the place. But when the actors came on set they found these Lego versions of themselves. Chris told them to just voice the characters while Phil and Chris moved the Lego around.

Wow.

I know. At first we assumed they were doing pre-viz. You know that’s the thing now. But when the cast complained then Phil told wardrobe to basically make these huge Lego costumes. The guys run a fun set so we assumed it was a practical joke. But it went on all day and then the next. Kathleen was just fuming. She kept talking to Ron Howard all the time and she always had him on speaker phone so the guys and the crew could hear. She’d say things like ‘I could drop a rock on their heads while they’re sleeping’ and ‘twenty dollars buys me a guy called Luciano and no questions asked’. They began to get scared but they were unerring in their artistic vision. I’ll give them that.

The film stars Alden Ehrenreich in the role of the space smuggler, made famous by Harrison Ford. Donald Glover plays Lando Calrissian.

Han Solo will be released in 2018.

HARRISON FORD’S COSTUME IN BLADE RUNNER 2049 COST $26

HOLLYWOOD – Harrison Ford’s costume for Blade Runner 2049 only cost $26 before tax.

Rick Deckard is back in Denis Villeneuve’s Blade Runner 2049 and he’s blade running for his life. The trailer hit the internet yesterday and left so much to unpack. But the take home for many was Harrison’ Ford’s costume. We spoke with the Mosquito Coast actor EXCLUSIVELY about his costume choices:

The costume people come round to my house. They’ve spent weeks going over and over with these designs and sketches. I talked to Ryan and he’s taking this shit way to seriously. He’s worried he’ll have a cold chin so he gets them to make this high collar. You know, to protect his chin. Do you know that Gosling means baby goose?

Yes, I guess…

Makes you think. Huh. My surname means ‘American car’.

Your costume…?

Well, then they say ‘How about you Mr Ford?’ and I say ‘I’m wearing my costume right now’. They looked confused. I was just wearing a t-shirt. They started trotting out these space trousers, but I told them to fuck off. This shirt cost me $26.

That’s great.

For a pack of three.

Blade Runner 2049 will be released in October.

DAMON LINDELOF’S BLADE RUNNER 2049 EMAIL

HOLLYWOOD – We publish Damon Lindelof’s email to Ridley Scott. 

Written while Blade Runner 2049 was in development this email sees Damon Lindelof and Ridley Scott discussing possible story ideas for Blade Runner 2049.

The Studio Exec has obtained a copy of the Blade Runner 2049 email. It says things you people wouldn’t believe:

hEY rIDDERS OH WAIT CAPS LOCK


Hey Ridders, Jesus where’s delete? Never mind. I mean. What the hell! Right Scottish? We can fix it in post. It’s the Damon-ster here. I know you said you weren’t sure you wanted me to help you with Blade Runner 2049 but I’ve been thinking really hard about it and I’ve got some ideas things for the plot like concept of the story notes perhaps. So here goes. 


The years is 2072, right? OK and Deckard’s like this old Blade Runner. And he’s got this fresh, brash partner (I’m thinking Shia LaBeouf or perhaps Channing Tatum). OK. And they get a mission to go after the Nexus 17 replicants right. And Deckard has a lot of bullshit from his boss cause he ran off with a replicant and what not and it ended badly, but he only has a week left until his retirement (some comedy here with possible confusion about Deckard being a replicant who’s about to be retired LOL). Anyway they go after the replicants but this time they follow them to the off world colonies and there are like shit loads of chases and what not, and Deckard says (more than once) “I’m getting too old for this shit”. He says it like three or four times, like it’s a RUNNING GAG and ironically it’s because he’s a RUNNER who is too old to RUN. Right?
 
Anyway they meet this really old woman who looks like exactly like Vanessa Redgrave (we can get Guy Pearce for this and put him in an old woman suit) and she’s like Tyrell the 4th or something. And she explains that actually all human beings are replicants because we’ve all been created by a higher power, which is like god but really actually just like super intelligent sperm people. You dig? Anyway, deep shit, deep shit, running, some more deep shit. Then they corner the Nexus 17 and Tyrell in this super dangerous and they could just call for back up, but for some reason (I haven’t worked this bit out but who cares) they just run in guns blazing. Something heavy falls on Tyrell can kills her for no real reason and polar bears start attacking. I know, fantastic, isn’t it?
 
They kill the polar bears or something. then confront Nexus 17 Ray Batty who reveals himself to actually be the son of Deckard and Rachel and Deckard is crying but just completely like blows him away. Fade to Black. A Celine Dion, music Vangelis and with lyrics by moi ‘Tears in Rain’ over credits:
 
I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe — eeeeeeve
Polar bears attacking me and my son, 
About Rachel Replicant I grieve — eeeeeeeeve
What have I done, done done
 
SAX SOLO


Blade Runner 2049 will be released in 2017.

       

STEVEN SPIELBERG USES AIR QUOTES WHEN TALKING ABOUT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg uses air quotes whenever talking about Indiana Jones 5, it was revealed today.

Jaws and Lincoln director Steven Spielberg always uses air quotes whenever discussing Indiana Jones 5. The revelation came from Spielberg’s close friend Dan Aykroyd.

It’s the weirdest thing. Whenever he talks about the next Indiana Jones film, he uses this quote gesture with his fingers. He said to me the other day that Indiana Jones would be “released” in 2019. He was “working” on the “script” and Harrison Ford was very “excited” about the “idea”.

So he might not actually want to make the film?

I asked him about it and he told me that when Peter Jackson talks to him about Tintin Jackson does the same thing. So he just picked it up as a useful habit.

What does George Lucas think?

George Lucas “thinks” we’re going to make the “Movie”.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in “2019”.