MADS MIKKELSEN ROASTS JUSTIN BIEBER

I think a Roast Justin Bieber is a real show-stopper and you might be surprised to hear that a Bieber is no more difficult to cook than a good turkey. If you’re going to give it a go, just make sure you measure your oven and your largest baking tray before obtaining your meat. If your oven is too small for a whole Bieber, just use the neck end.

It’s best to do all of the prep the night before if you have the chance. Start by scoring the Bieber. Set a Stanley knife so the blade is only a centimetre deep and score your Bieber all over about 2cm apart from each other. Be careful not to score so deep that you cut into the meat; you only want to score the fat. If you find this part a bit daunting you can always ask your butcher to do it for you, but I’d recommend having a go as it’s really quite easy.

Next, rub the scored Bieber all over with salt and olive oil and leave in the fridge overnight. This will give you wonderfully flavoured meat and brilliant crispy crackling. 

Preheat the oven to its hottest setting and, if using a whole Bieber, pop a clementine into his mouth and cover the ears and nose with a double layer of foil to protect these more delicate areas. Place your Bieber on a roasting tray in your screaming-hot oven, then turn it down to 180°C/350°F/gas 4 and cook for about 4½ hours. With 1½ hours to go, add your chopped veg to the tray and pop it back into the oven. 

For the last 10 minutes of cooking, glaze the Bieber with marmalade, spooning it over generously to make sure you cover over the Bieber. Sprinkle it well with black pepper and put back into the oven to finish. Once done, allow to cool a little, then carefully transfer to a board, cover loosely with tin foil and leave to rest while you get on with your gravy.

Shred the Roasted Bieber on to a beautiful large platter with plenty of good-sized chunks of crackling for everyone to tuck into. It will be absolutely delicious served with hot gravy and whole roasted apples.

LUIS SUAREZ TO GUEST STAR ON HANNIBAL

HOLLYWOOD – Although banned from all footballing activity new Barcelona signing Luis Suarez will be passing his time in a new vocation with a recurring role in NBC Original show Hannibal.

Suarez will play a role as TV and film’s most famous cannibal Dr. Hannibal ‘the Cannibal’ Lecter, played by Mads Mikkelsen.

Show creator Bryan Fuller insisted that this was not due to the biting incident(s) during the World Cup that led to Suarez’s 4 month ban:

This is not just stunt casting. I’ve been a huge fan of Luis Suarez since the Ajax days. And I watched him closely at Liverpool and his performances always led me to believe that he would be a superb actor, especially in the penalty area. We met by pure chance at a Will Ferrell party last year and I talked to him about taking on a cameo but he was reluctant because time was very tight, what with training and everything. The ban however has changed all that.

The Suarez role – revealed at the Comic-Con panel – will be of an apprentice serial killer/cannibal who assists Dr. Lecter in his infamous slaying and fine dining. Suarez himself appeared to a rapturous reception and told the enthusiastic audience ‘I am chomping at the bit to get started. Ha ha. That’s a joke.’

Hannibal Season 3 will be broadcast in 2015.

HANNIBAL: REVIEW

HANNIBAL: REVIEW – Jesus Christ, it’s awful.

The fat guy from The Matrix teams up with Hugh English Guy blinky blinky Dancy to try and catch a bafflingly elaborate serial killer through a combination of psycho-babble and CGI rewind stuff. It’s like CSI meets… no it’s just like CSI basically. CSI: Freud. But with the arrival of Mads Bond villain Mikkelsen as the eponymous psychiatrist/cannibal now it looks set to become CSI: Dexter.

This is the kind of show where people hold entire conversations circling each other in artfully lit rooms and impossibly young experts natter routinely in crime scenes that look like they’ve been invented by a set designer who has seen a lot of serial killer movies but not many houses. The blood is CGI globular and crimson; the acting is arch when not ham and there are lines like ‘Don’t psychoanalyse me. You won’t like me when I’m psychoanalysed’ which I honestly can’t tell if they’re supposed to be laughable (i.e. comic) or if it’s just laughable (i.e. inept). Could still be fun, but not for the reasons they intended.