MOONFALL IS ABOUT CLIMATE CHANGE

HOLLYWOOD – Destroyer of worlds Roland Emmerich has confirmed his new apocalyptic movie, Moonfall is about climate change. The Independence Day director sat down with The Studio Exec to talk about his new blockbuster starring Halle Berry & Patrick Wilson and why Moonfall is really about climate change.

Roland, Can You Tell Us Anything About Your New Film?

Yeah, sure I can. It’s called Moonfall and it’s about the Moon falling out of orbit and on a direct course to hit the Earth. And not just a glancing blow. I mean, destroying the whole f**king world. And then Halle Berry teams up with oil rig worker, Bruce Willis and a bearded Leonardo Dicaprio to save us all. Maximillian Schell is on a beach and Nic Cage keeps having premonitions, or something.

I Think You May Be Mixing Up Your Apocalypses There

Am I? Does it matter when we’re all going to die in a few weeks’ time anyway? Look, the real point of it all is that the movie isn’t about the Moon or space missions. It’s all about climate change. It’s pretty obvious when you stop and think about it.

Can You Elaborate On That?

No problem. We’re all helpless to stop this thing happening, and it’s our own fault. We brought this on ourselves. Just like climate change.

Moonfall Is About Climate Change?

Umm, well not directly, I guess. Or possibly even at all. But the way I see it, if Adam McKay hadn’t played the old climate change card, nobody would even be talking about his f**king film, let alone watching it. So this is my first film all about climate change. It’s really exciting to deal with a new subject, a global concern if you like. We’re all scared about this, apart from those climate change denying assholes, but f**k them. I wanted to talk about this in the best way I know how, and that was by threatening to kill billions of people. It makes such a refreshing change to tackle this subject in one of my movies.

Didn’t You Already Do That With The Day After Tomorrow?

Wait. What? Oh. Shit.

 

Moonfall Is Released In February

LAST COPY OF MOVIE 43 DESTROYED

UTAH – At 4:33 AM in a field in Utah, the last copy of Movie 43 was successfully destroyed.

The comedy sketch film masterminded by Peter Farrrelly and starring a host of Hollywood stars and Johnny Knoxville, has become notorious in the history of cinema as the only work of Hollywood cinema to have been issued with a warrant by the European Courts of Human Rights and to have been named in a UN resolution which called for its elimination and referred to the film explicitly as ‘a crime against humanity’.

The destruction of the move was also widely supported by the actors who appeared in the film and who indeed published a letter in the New York Times calling for ‘the swift erasure of the blot on the history of cinema and incidentally out own careers.’ Many stars such as Halle Berry and Kate Winslett actually took time off from their acting careers – in the case of Ms. Berry quite a lot of time – in order to hunt down individual copies of the film and destroy them personally.

Dennis Quaid – head of the task force whose job it was to see to the round up – had this to say:

The first part of our jobs was relatively easy. We got all the studio held negatives and the digital copies and deleted them. Then we rounded up DVDs and Blu-Rays that had been bought. For once we didn’t have a problem with piracy because very few people could be bothered to download the film and those that did, on seeing the film, believed their computer had a virus and wiped their own hard discs. It has taken more time to be certain that the film does not achieve some kind of ironic cult status, but luckily Movie 43 goes past the ‘so bad it’s good’  mark and lands once more in ‘terrible’. To see that last copy of Movie 43 being destroyed via a controlled explosion was a wonderful moment for me, both personally as an actor and more broadly as a human being who cares about the world we live in.

Movie 44 will be released in 2016.

 

 

HALLE BERRY REVEALS FRUIT BULLYING HORROR

HOLLYWOOD – Failed Cat Woman and Oscar winning actress, Halle Berry has revealed for the first time her childhood horror of fruit related bullying at school.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Ms. Berry said that she had been ‘constantly tormented’ at school and the trauma had damaged her way into adulthood.

They would gather at recess and they would hold out a drinking straw and say ‘hey, do you want a straw, Berry?’ and then they’d all fall about laughing. Or they’d say ‘Is your favorite color blue, Berry?’ and then they’d [sobs pathetically] do a dance.

A dance?

Yes. They’d sing ‘Tutti Frutti’ by Little Richard and do a dance. It was really sarcastically choreographed. It destroyed my life. I couldn’t get a date. I even had to go to the prom with my best friend and her boyfriend.

So you were the gooseberry?

What? Now you’re doing it.

Oh come on. You’ve grown up, now, isn’t it easier? Now you’re an elder, Berry?

Damn you! I came here to bear my soul and all you’re doing is making puns on my bloody name.

What else would you like to do?

We could talk about my new film. 

In Logan’s Run is your favorite character Logan, Berry? Don’t you think Bruce Springsteen sings with a rasp, Berry? For exams do you need to Cram, Berry? Hmmmm. No. Chuck Berry, Berry Lee Lewis. I’m Berry pleased to meet you. 

Oh! She’s gone. 

XAVIER POULIS: ACADEMY AWARDS FASHIONS: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

Leading Swiss cinema theorist and bon vivant Xavier Poulis casts his weary Alpine eye over events in cinemastan.

The 85th Academy Awards? pffffff! Argo? pffffff! Ang Lee? pffffffff. Life of Pfffffff. Daniel Day-Lewis? Okay, we all like Daniel Day-Lewis, no pfffffff for him. But all the same. Pffffffffff. But I hear you scream at the top of your anglo-lungs ‘WHAT ABOUT THE FASHIONS?’

  • Naomi Watts was wearing a blue dress by Ralph made of bags and the tears of chronically unhappy children. Every dress Ralph makes costs a Chinese child three fingers which the fashion maverick cuts off with a knife to add a frisson of tragedy to each creation.
  • Hey, Jessica Chastain, where are you going with that shovel? She’s going to the 1930s graveyard to dig up a starlet and steal her gown. It’s cheap, ecologically responsible and – except for the whiff of decay – elegant. Bravo!
  • Halle Berry pays tribute to supermarkets everywhere with her beautiful Bar Code dress by Sad Boy, with minglings of stick of rock. Sexy in aisle 12! Ha ha! Pfffffff.
  • Anne Hathaway caused delight and consternation in equal measure when her nipples blinded spectators and her elfin features made Wayne LaPierre of the NRA seriously question his sexuality: ‘I don’t which way to turn’ he whimpered. 
  • Jennifer Lawrence went radical wearing a dress designed by a heterosexual. However she was also victim of a fashion disaster when – on going up to accept her award for something – the dress completely failed to fall off. She managed to cover her blushes by falling over. 
Xavier Poulis walks away
And in conclusion, what do these fashions mean for women shopping in the real world?  Nothing! You are all ugly slaps in the eye, Hobbits all, compared to these goddesses. Hide yourselves! Pffffffff. 

CLOUD ATLAS: REVIEW

Forrest Gump and Cat Woman are chased through genres from the Nineteenth Century through to the distant future by Elrond and bumbling Captain Blowjob, and in the process make a right Monster’s Balls up of understanding Chaos theory. Gay Q turns up and (here’s a lark!) writes the soundtrack. It’s almost churlish to criticise this film, made as it was to defy understanding.

Not because of its serious philosophical rigour – its ‘philosophy’ is a nut-bag mix of cotton wool New Ageism (see title) and the most facile sentimental toss buckets: ‘Death is just another door’ – but because its monkey biscuits madness is something to be treasured. Savaging the movie is like criticising a suicide corpse for wearing a wedding dress: it’s crazy but it’s committed and perhaps should be. Laugh out loud comedy moments that are priceless gems come not in the Jim Broadbent ‘comedy’ section, which is so poor you would gnaw through your own ankle to escape if only you could, but rather courtesy of the make up department and some of the more sententious passages of prose that passes for dialogue.
The Wachowskis and Tom Tykwer are to be encouraged and given buckets of money. The film might be a God awful mess but it’s their God awful mess and not like any other.

JUDE LAW’S SECRET CLOUD ATLAS ROLE

TORONTO – Anticipation gave way to bafflement when the hugely ambitious Cloud Atlas showed at Toronto earlier in September, but it still has some surprises left including a secret performance by ‘actor’ Jude Law.

The multi-narrative epic spans centuries and genres from nineteenth century period drama to modern day thrillers and finally science fiction craziness. Actors Tom Hanks, Halle Berry and Hugh Grant play multiple characters who even change race as they fit into each segment but one surprise has been left until last and that is the inclusion of Jude Law. He isn’t on the cast list, or the credit roll, but all the same Mr Law is on screen and – like Hanks and Berry – he too plays more than one role, but you can be forgiven for missing him.

 His performance is being acclaimed as a career best, but the humble Mr. Law shrugs it off. ‘I’m just playing myself,’ the Alfie star demurs. ‘It was easy.’

Cloud Atlas 2 is due for release in 2016