CASEY AFFLECK TO STAR AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN IN BRETT RATNER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – In a bold move, Casey Affleck stars as Harvey Weinstein in Brett Ratner’s new biopic.

A new movie based on the life of Harvey Weinstein will star Casey Affleck. Rush Hour director Brett Ratner had this to say:

We want the film to be as realistic as possible. This is an American tragedy and we need to get to the heart of it. 

Based on a script by Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in their first ever collaboration, the films also stars Mel Gibson and Michael Fassbender. Louis CK is in talks to play Bob Weinstein, Harvey’s brother. Ratner continues:

This is a story that needs telling right. We need to tell it from the inside. I got Bill Cosby to go over a draft of the script for me.

But don’t you think we need the perspective of the women who have spoken out?

Who like?

Asia Argento, Rose McGowan, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, Gwyneth Paltrow? There are about thirty and counting I think. 

We have got a woman’s perspective in there though.

Who?

Lindsay Lohan.

Harvey will be released in 2018.

GWYNETH PALTROW TO STAR IN SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Stephen King announced that Gwyneth Paltrow will star in the remake of his classic film The Shawshank Redeption due to start filming this May.

Gwyneth Paltrow is to star in a remake of the Shawshank Redemption. The Shakespeare in Love star will play Andrea Dufresne, an accountant unjustly accused of the murder of her husband. Sent to serve a life sentence at the Shawshank Women’s Prison, she must learn to live in the prison while staying true to herself.

Stephen King will direct the new version. He wrote the original short story ‘Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption’.

He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the new film:

I loved the original film that Frank Darabont directed, but as with The Shining and Stanley Kubrick I always felt that it wasn’t quite what I had in mind. The idea of changing the protagonist to a woman and updating it came to me while I was watching Orange is the New Black. First, I called Gwyneth’s people and they gave me her number. She loved it. We met and that was that.

Gwyneth Paltrow said it was thrilling to do something that wasn’t a vegan cook book.

I’m a huge fan of Tim Robbins and of the original film. But what really appeals to me about the script is that I don’t get my head chopped off. That’s actually all I care about.

Leslie Jones will play Red.

The Shawkshank Redemption will be released in 2018.

FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here

5 CELEBRITIES YOU DIDN’T KNOW WERE JEWISH

HOLLYWOOD – Film making and show business has had a long tradition of wonderful Jewish performers, but sometimes as a result of anti-Semitism or the short-sightedness of casting directors, some prefer to keep their ethnic identities under wraps.

Here are five celebrities who you might not have realized were actually Jewish.

Mel Gibson: Born in New York, Mel’s father was a man known to all as ‘the biggest Jew in New York’, but after founding a political party based on intense love of vegetables which led the notorious veggie-phobic New Yorkers to hunt him from his lower Manhattan brown stone and board a slow boat to Australia where Mel was brought up as an Aryan.

Gwyneth Paltrow: When she’s not bringing Robert Downey Jr coffee in Iron Man, Gwyneth Paltrow likes nothing more than to curl up with the Kabbala and a kosher vegan fruititarian power smoothie, unless it’s her cheat day in which case it’s fried dolphin sandwich sprinkled with chopped bacon and kittens’ noses.

John Wayne: The Duke was nothing if he wasn’t Jewish. In fact the reason he always made Westerns was that he liked to wear his kippah, (or yarmulke) under his cowboy hat.

Woody Allen: Talk about ‘hiding in plain sight’! Woody Allen has gone to great lengths to hide his Yiddish heritage by appearing in a series of films in which he plays a Jew but he has always publicly identified as a one of the Goyim. Not only did Allen change his name from Allan Stewart Konigsberg to Heywood “Woody” Allen after seeing Toy Story 2.

Jesus Christ: Possibly the most famous person in the world, Jesus began his life as a Jew and kind of ended it Jewish also. His lifework – to reform the Jewish religion – was rather misunderstood by his followers, who disregarded most of his teaching, preferring to invent an entirely new religion. Oops. Mel Gibson famously made a movie trying to fix the confusion, but succeeded only in making it worse.

For more FACTS click HERE.

JEREMY RENNER CHRIS EVANS: FULL INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT

HOLLYWOOD – It was an ordinary press junket for their new film Avengers: Age of Ultron, but for Jeremy Renner and Chris Evans it was about to become real.

Then the interviewer asked Captain America (Chris Evans) and Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) what they thought of Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) and the fact her character fell in love with another character (SPOILER) who was not their characters in a fictional universe. What happened next will blow your mind. Read the full interview transcript below:

Jeremy Renner: Well, obviously, I think it sucks. I mean I thought we – that is to say our fictional characters were close but it’s typical, isn’t it?

Chris Evans: Yes. I was hoping that we might get together. After all there aren’t many women in the Marvel universe and so for the rest of the time it’s one big sausage fest.

JR: In a way you could see that as part of the problem. Goddamned Bechdel test. If we didn’t have to have a woman in it, we could just all be men and there wouldn’t be this kind of conversation tearing us apart.

CE: I agree with Jeremy on this. Women just cause heartbreak and although I respect Scarlett as a fellow performer and a human being, I’d have to say that in general all women are horrible, conniving, duplicitous, actively evil people and the world would be a much better places if it was just men having men babies through their men holes.

Interviewer: (LAUGHING) Men holes?

JR: Hey Chris is serious, man. We talked about this on set and we all agree. If women could just like all go away. JOss did a great job of getting rid of Natalie Portman and Gwyneth Paltrow and I know there was a version of the script where Black Widow was on the wrong end of a HULK SMASH, but I don’t know what happened, it’s political correctness gone mad again I guess.

CE: Just think about it. All us men, with no women soiling the place with their menstrual cycles and boy band crushes. We could leave the toilet seat up.

JR: We could leave the toilet door open.

CE: We wouldn’t have to wear pants. We could just walk around with no pants on our junk swinging free. It’d be great.

Interviewer: You’re joking.

CE: NO! We are deadly serious. Women must be stopped.

JR: I wrote a letter.

CE: I love the way your mind works man.

JR: Thanks guy. I love you too.

Avengers Age of Ultron is in cinemas currently.

JOSS WHEDON PLEDGES UP-TO-DATE SEXISM

HOLLYWOOD- Joss Whedon has promised postmodern sexism in his new film Avengers: Age of Ultron, released world wide.

The Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator spoke exclusively with The Studio Exec:

If there’s one thing I hate in modern movies it’s when they have that lazy 70s sexism. I first noticed it in the clip we saw of Jurassic World but once you see it, it’s like f*cking beards, you see them everywhere. Chris Pratt is the force of nature and Dr. up-tight is needs a laminated itinerary to go on a date. There’ll be a scene later on where he takes her glasses off and unpins her hair to let it fall free. It’s crazy.

So you would stop sexism?

Oh God no. Are you high? Who would want that? No, we can’t stop it, we just have to update it. Look at my new film – competing directly with Jurassic World for publicity at the moment coincidentally – Avengers: Age of Ultron. It’s an amazing superhero adventure with a diverse cast including a white male billionaire, a white/green male scientist with anger issues, a white male archer and a white male Nordic looking thunder god and a hot chick with a fantastic ass. I mean you should see it.

But how is that not sexist?

Because it’s ironic and knowing.

A ha.

And Scarlett Johannson knows she’s sexy and she isn’t uptight or anything. She’s going yeah, I’m sexy but I’m also equal. And God, she scores well with all the demographic data we get.

That’s fantastic.

I know. Being sexist is fantastic and profitable. You just have to be clever and cast Scarlett Johansson or Gwyneth Paltrow. It won’t work with Megan Fox.

Avengers Age of Ultron will be released this week.

GYWNETH PALTROW ARRESTED

London – Gwyneth Paltrow has been arrested by the Metropolitan Police on suspicion of the brutal murder of at least two people.

Paltrow, who was having her vagina steamed at her local Spa when officers arrived; is being held after an anonymous source mailed a memory stick to Scotland Yard containing the following notes written on her Evernote app.

 

June 12th, 2014

Ba Ba…black sheep.

HAVE YOU ANY WOOL?

I killed a homeless man today. HAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAH

My vagina feels SO clean.

 

September 24th 2014

All protein and no carbs makes Gwyneth a dull girl

All protein and no carbs makes Gwyneth a dull girl

All protein and no carbs makes Gwyneth a dull girl

All protein and no carbs makes Gwyneth a dull girl

All protein and no carbs makes Gwyneth a dull girl

All protein and no carbs makes Gwyneth a dull girl

 

December 2nd 2014

I just read the script for Shakespeare in Love 2.

BEST…SCRIPT…EVER!

My ghostwriter has already started writing my Oscar acceptance speech. MEGA LOLZ

Oh, and I killed my assistant with a bread knife. It was weird. I haven’t been that close to bread in years…

HAHAHA. PSML XXX

 

December 20th 2014

My vagina is talking to me again.

GwyNEEEEEEEE

GywnNEEEEEEE

Kill them all GywnEEEEEE

I’m not booked in for a steam until tomorrow so I’m just going to jump on the worktop and squat over a boiling kettle.

FUN

Hahahahahahha…HELTER SKELTER!!!!!!!

 

Asked if police suspected Paltrow was guilty of more murders, Chief Inspector Reg Dolan said it was too early to say:

It’s too early to say.  So far we’ve only looked at a hundred of about two thousand notes spanning a three year period but it’s clear we are dealing with a very sick and very dangerous individual. In one recent note she suggested that her latest film Mortdecai was, and I quote “The funniest movie ever made “, which is all the proof you need that Miss Paltrow is seriously deranged .

ROBERT DOWNEY JNR RUMORED FOR TWIN PEAKS

HOLLYWOOD – A studio insider has revealed that Robert Downey Jnr is in final negotiations to play one of the lead roles in the new series of Twin Peaks.

“He’s the first name on David Lynch’s list,” said the anonymous insider:

It’s a part ideally suited to Robert’s talent and experience. They’re currently working through some contract details but I’m pretty we’ll have an announcement before the end of the month.

Although the script remains a closely guarded secret, our source revealed that Downey Jnr will play the role of billionaire playboy Tony Stark AKA Iron Man:

In the original script Lynch wanted him to play a completely different character but he quickly realised that Downey Jnr can only do Tony Stark these days so he incorporated that into the story. Because  of the change Agent Cooper now works for SHIELD, the log lady is in possession of one of the infinity gems and Killer Bob is a half man/half Komodo dragon super villain.

Asked what else we can expect from the new series, our man dropped a bombshell:

I know I shouldn’t say this but Samuel L. Jackson will definitely be making an appearance as Nick Fury and possibly a guy who you wouldn’t like when he’s angry.

As for Stark’s wife Pepper Potts played by Gwyneth Paltrow:

Oh, David kills her off in the very first episode. I’m not telling you how she dies but it’s dark, it’s gruesome and vomit came out of my nose when I read it.

The new series of Twin Peaks is due in 2016

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT TO MARRY AGAIN NEXT SATURDAY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the huge success of their recent marriage, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have decided to get married next Saturday.

‘Think of it as the sequel,’ said an obviously delighted if slightly dazed Pitt.

Thing is everyone enjoyed it so much I thought why not give it another whirl. Angie was game so we phoned some friends and we’re gonna get to it. Might get married every week if’n the notion takes us. We can marry in different countries and observe different religious rights and what not. Setting up franchises, if you get my meaning.

A beaming Jolie told us that though it was Brad’s idea, she was 100% behind it:

I do love my honey, oh yes I do. And if you think about it, it solves a lot of practical problems like all of our friends who were disappointed not to be best men or maids of honor, well we can rectify that. And I’m gonna make sure that Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow get invitations to all my weddings. That’s right girls, every one.

Full coverage of the weddings will be available EXCLUSIVELY at the Studio Exec.

 

A RECIPE FROM CHRIS MARTIN’S NEW COOK BOOK

HOLLYWOOD – Following his ‘uncoupling’ with Gwyneth Paltrow, Coldplay singer Chris Martin is venturing into his ex-couplet’s territory with a new cook book called Simply Chris.

The Studio Exec managed to get an advance copy and here we have an EXCLUSIVE recipe from the culinary masterpiece.

Dolphin soup

A wonderful starter with a surprisingly light and delicate taste. 

Kill a little dolphin, chop it in pieces,

Look how wonderful you a—a—are,

Fry it with garlic, little salt and pepper,

Then you set it apar—aarrr–art,

Prepare some stock, boil for twenty minutes,

Oh let’s go back to the start,

Add the dolphin, cover and simmer,

You don’t know how tasty you a—a–are.

Nobody said cooking dolphin was easy

It’s socially unacceptable for a start,

Nobody said cooking porpoise was easy,

But follow these instructions and it should be so ha—-aa—ard!


Simply Chris is available from all good book shops and Amazon.  

ZACH GALIFIANAKIS TO HOST ISRAELI-PALESTINIAN PEACE TALKS

HOLLYWOOD – Following his success in single-handedly saving President Obama’s Affordable Health Care Act, Zach Galifianakis has turned his attention to the Middle East and will next week be hosting a special Israeli-Palestinian Peace Conference Between Two Ferns

President of the Palestinian State Mahmoud Abbas will meet with Israeli leader Benjamin Netanyahu in a hope that where others have failed, the star of Hangover 3 and Due Date can succeed, bringing about a historic peace deal and finally ending this decades-long and blood-soaked conflict.  

Galifianakis told the Studio Exec exclusively:

Although vaguely interested in comedy, I’ve always been really committed to politics. I say always, I actually mean since I did The Campaign with Will Ferrell. I did some research. It was a bit dull so I got someone else to do it actually. But still…

What? 

Well, if you look at the mess professional diplomats and politicians have made of it, maybe it’s time for some lighthearted banter from America’s favorite bearded comedian.

Louis CK is involved?

Okay, second favorite. Jeez.

What will be different about your approach? 

I see someone like Tony Blair having a go and he just doesn’t seem credible to me. The man’s a warmonger. And the UN is full of people with names like Moon. It’s like Gwyneth Paltrow’s child is the Peace Envoy! Me, I can pretend to be both anti-Semitic and racist (ironically) and in that way connect, heal and unite.

Can you give us some detail?

I can complement Benjamin NetinYahoo! on his website.

I think that’s …

And I can tell  Mahmoud Abbas that I really love Dancing Queen.

You’re just punning weakly on their names.

I know. That’s the beauty of it. No one has ever tried that before. Punning weakly on their names is sure to work.

And if it doesn’t?

Louis CK will be waiting in the wings to take over.

Finally!

Israeli-Palestinian Peace Conference Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis will be broadcast on the Funny or Die website. And no, you can’t have the link.

NASA CONFIRM GWYNETH PALTROW CHRIS MARTIN UNCOUPLING

HOUSTON – This morning NASA confirmed the successful uncoupling of the celestial body Gwyneth Paltrow from the space debris known as Chris Martin.

The operation took place in the early hours of this morning in what technicians are calling a ‘flawless performance of technical excellence’. A NASA spokesperson said:

These things are always delicate because you never quite known what the reactions are going to be and what you’re going to find in there. Fortunately, possibly due to a diet of celery water and positive thinking, Ms. Paltrow was almost entirely empty and so when we uncoupled her, there was very little mess.

The operation took place fifty miles above the surface of the Earth during an EVA from the International Space Station (ISS). Astrophysicist and part time film critic Neil deGrasse Tyson  remarked:

The wonder of such an event can only go to show how amazing a force evolution is. In a short time, less than a generation, Paltrow has gone from being the rather ordinary actress of Sliding Doors fame to what she is now: an ethereal space baby floating benignly above us and mildly reproving us for our eating habits and our poor parenting skills. Now come with me as we…

Sorry Neil, we got a thing. 

Oh, you don’t want to come with me while we explore the wonder of the Cosmos?

Maybe next week.

Gwyneth Paltrow will remain in a permanent orbit high above the atmosphere but Chris Martin is expected to fall to Earth later today somewhere over the Indian Ocean. 

PALTROW PITCHES GOOP: THE MOTION PICTURE

LONDON – Hot from the success of her role as feminist icon Pepper Potts in Iron Man 3, Gwyneth Paltrow has been pitching a new film based on her blog Goop.

The film will star herself, Sarah Jessica Parker and Meryl Streep as three women in love inexplicably in love with Jamie Oliver. In there attempts to woo him, they compete at perfecting their lives, looking beautiful, cooking healthy but delicious meals, swapping shopping tips and not damaging the environment in the process.

Ms. Paltrow dropped by the Studio Exec‘s London office to big up the calamity:

It begins light enough. Imagine a superficial version of Eat Pray Love… Actually just imagine Eat Pray Love. Anyway, about halfway through Jamie Oliver realises what’s going on when we all go on a weekend retreat to find ourselves. What ensues is going to make Passolini’s Salò look like Winx.

Will Chris Martin be involved? Perhaps play on the soundtrack?

Yuk! No! We want it to be darkly horrific , not vacuously disgusting. 

Goop will be plop in 2015.