POLICE RAID CINEMA CLUBS ACROSS UK

Police raid cinema clubs across the UK in Fight Club-esque scenes. In shocking scenes across the UK, police raid cinema clubs that have been operating in underground facilities. As police raid cinema clubs around the country in scenes similar to Fight Club, The Exec has this following report:


The First Rule Of Cinema Club

Underground warehouses, bar basements and disused churches have all been raided by SWAT style armed police in the last 48 hours. The raids have been a coordinated effort by the authorities to break up the underground organisation known as ‘Cinema Club’. But who is behind it all? Those arrested have so far remained tight lipped about the organisation and its leadership.

 

The Second Rule Of Cinema Club

Rumours of the mysterious organisation have been rife over the last few weeks as the English government has clamped down on ‘Non-Brexit Approved Culture’, banning the works of European film makers such as Truffaut, Almodovar, Haneke and Fellini. English cinemas are now only allowed to show mainstream Hollywood films about straight white men with guns, the entire James Bond franchise and the films of Guy Ritchie, which are predominantly also just about straight white men with guns.

 

I Am Jack’s Tati

In response to this extreme policy, Cinema Club has been raging cinematic guerrilla warfare by showing European and Arthouse films in unauthorized venues across the country. A disused swimming pool in Manchester that was raided was showing Fellini’s 8 & 1/2. Whereas Jacques Tati’s Playtime was shown in a dilapidated Budgens convenience store in Oxford. Scenes that resemble The Battle Of Algiers as cinema fans runs scared from the police. But in Scunthorpe rather than Algiers, and nobody dies.

 

We Have Just Lost Cabin Pressure

Nobody truly knows who is behind this clandestine cine-ster organization. One theory suggest disgruntled ODEON employees. Some believe it’s a Film Studies grad, rejected too often by Empire. There are even some who believe Mark Kermode and Mark Cousins are behind it and are in fact the same person. Whoever is behind Cinema Club, they are out there somewhere. They’re the hero everyone deserves but not the hero everyone needs right now. Eh? What does that even mean?

 

MORE ON THIS AS IT BREAKS

GUY RITCHIE DETERMINED TO DESTROY ALL BRITISH ICONS WITH NEW BIGGLES MOVIE

LONDON – Robin Hood, King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels director, Guy Ritchie will direct the forthcoming movie version of the First World War flying ace, Biggles.

The Captain W.E. Johns created hero Biggles has been a young boy’s fantasy figure for years, though he has recently fallen out of favor with the rise superhero movies and toy franchises. Ritchie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec on condition we did not refer to his former marriage to Madonna. Madonna first came to prominence in the early Eighties with a series of pop hits produced by her then partner Jellybean. After a stormy relationship with Sean Penn, she went on to release a series of albums which were both commercially and critically successful. Her relationship with Guy Ritchie culminated in the motion picture Swept Away, which subsequently was. Speaking about Biggles, Ritchie (neé Madonna) had this to say:

James ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth is by far the most interesting British hero since Sherlock Holmes and James Bond and yet because of certain old fashioned attitudes he has been unfairly maligned and has all but disappeared from libraries and schools. I hope my film Biggles and the Darkie Menace will make people rethink.

Robert Downey Jr. is said to be interested in the role, because it will continue his recent run of films in which ‘I don’t really have to act or anything.’ Ritchie said that he hopes Downey Jr. will take the part:

Me and Robert have a true understanding having worked together on two pictures. He is one of the most instinctive actors I know. He seems to do no preparation whatsoever. Almost as if he is just ‘dialing in a performance’ as we used to say down London way. Of course, behind that air of casual laziness, I can assure you lie literally minutes of hard work.

Ritchie will hope to reproduce the massive success of Biggles: Adventures in Time, a 1986 film that everyone has largely forgotten.

Biggles and the Darkie Menace will be released in 2020.

GUY RITCHIE CONFIRMS BIGGLES

LONDON – Guy Ritchie continues ruining all British heroes with Biggles film.

King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels and Robin Hood director, Guy Ritchie will direct the forthcoming movie version of the First World War flying ace, Biggles.

The Captain W.E. Johns created hero Biggles has been a young boy’s fantasy figure for years, though he has recently fallen out of favor with the rise superhero movies and toy franchises. Ritchie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec on condition we did not refer to his former marriage to Madonna. Madonna first came to prominence in the early Eighties with a series of pop hits produced by her then partner Jellybean. After a stormy relationship with Sean Penn, she went on to release a series of albums which were both commercially and critically successful. Her relationship with Guy Ritchie culminated in the motion picture Swept Away, which subsequently was. Speaking about Biggles, Ritchie (neé Madonna) had this to say:

James ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth is by far the most interesting British hero since Sherlock Holmes and James Bond and yet because of certain old fashioned attitudes he has been unfairly maligned and has all but disappeared from libraries and schools. I hope my film Biggles and the Darkie Menace will make people rethink.

Robert Downey Jr. is said to be interested in the role, because it will continue his recent run of films in which ‘I don’t really have to act or anything.’ Ritchie said that he hopes Downey Jr. will take the part:

Me and Robert have a true understanding having worked together on two pictures. He is one of the most instinctive actors I know. He seems to do no preparation whatsoever. Almost as if he is just ‘dialing in a performance’ as we used to say down London way. Of course, behind that air of casual laziness, I can assure you lie literally minutes of hard work.

Ritchie will hope to reproduce the massive success of Biggles: Adventures in Time, a 1986 film that everyone has largely forgotten.

Biggles and the Darkie Menace will be released in 2019.

RON WEASLEY TO STAR IN SNATCH TV SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD- Wizard Ron Weasley is to star in the new TV spin-off Snatch.

Based on the Guy Ritchie movie from 2000, Snatch stars Ron Weasley as a petty criminal in London underworld. The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY spoke to him. We asked how much magic we could expect to see?

None. No magic. Unless of course the magic of great storytelling.

No we meant the magic of spells and flying cars.

Ah, no. There’ll be no flying cars or wands, or potions. This is something else. That’s what appealed to me actually. I wanted to move in a totally different direction. I love the original and I love the mix of gritty realism and comedy.

Will you play Quidditch?

NO! For fuck’s sake, no.

Really Ron.

My name isn’t Ron. It’s Rupert. My name is Rupert Grint.

Of course it is.

Stop winking it really is.

So a new crime drama. Tell us the story.

Okay. Well, I’m a small time crook and we’re scratching a living, but when we end up with a truck load of golden bullion, it catapults us into the big league and we have to fight for our lives.

It sounds shit.

Snatch will be broadcast in 2017.

 

SCRIPT LEAK: GUY RITCHIE’S ALADDIN

HOLLYWOOD – Read the script for Guy Ritchie’s live-action remake of Disney’s Aladdin.

News that Guy Ritchie’s live action Aladdin has been green lit hit the internet yesterday. Today, the Studio Exec got EXCLUSIVE access to the script. Here is an excerpt.

EXT: THE DESERT. NIGHT

Aladdin, his pet pit bull Stains and Jafar approach the mouth of the cave.

JAFFAR

Aladdin, you slag! Get in that f*cking cave and get me my effing lamp.

ALADDIN

Awight, me old mucker! Be out in a jiffy.

INT. CAVE. NIGHT

Aladdin searches through piles of treasure, flies a magic carpet with Stainsand finds the lamp. 

ALADDIN

Jesus H. This lamp’s bleedin’ filthy. I’m gonna give it a good old rub.

Rubbing the lamp, Aladdin releases a huge blue Genie!

GENIE

Two thousand years is such a pain the ARSE!

ALADDIN

Cor blimey! 

GENIE
Awight Guvnor. What can I do for you? You got yerself three cups and dishes.

ALADDIN

Cups and dishes.

GENIE

Cups and dishes – Wishes. Shine a light. 

ALADDIN

Awight. I’ll have a motor, a nice new gaff and a packet of fish and chips please.

GENIE

Whoa! Hold your horses mucker. Doncha wanna become a Prince, impress Princess Jasmine, fly around the world singing a song. 

ALADDIN

What a chump! Wait. I’ll have a pint of warm beer instead of the fish and chips. What was I thinking?

Stains, Genie and Aladdin sing a ‘Whole New World’ and get pissed up on booze.

THE END

For more script leaks CLICK HERE.

WILL FERRELL AND JOHN C REILLY REMAKE WITHOUT A CLUE

HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell and John C. Reilly re-team to remake 1988 Sherlock Holmes comedy Without a Clue.

John C. Reilly and Will Ferrell are back again after their successful comic partnering in Step Brothers and Talladega Nights. The occasion is a remake of Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine comedy Without a Clue.

Ferrell told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’re going to call it Holmes & Watson but it’s effectively Without a Clue 2.

What was your inspiration for taking on the world’s most famous detective?

Mostly the fact it hasn’t been done. Oh, yes you can go back to the old Basil Rathbone films but since then nothing.

What about the BBC TV show Sherlock? And Elementary?

Yes, but that’s TV.

And the Guy Ritchie film Sherlock Holmes?

Was that actually based on Sherlock Holmes. I thought it was an Iron Man prequel. The point is none of them have used humor.

But…

And so we’re going to be a completely original remake of Without a Clue.

Holmes & Watson will be released in 2017.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HENRY CAVILL

HOLLYWOOD – He is Superman in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice but what do we really know about British born actor Henry Cavill?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT Squad into Metropolis to discover 5 FACTS about Henry Cavill, the man of steel. Here they are:

  1. Henry Cavill was born on a planet that was about to be destroyed by its own volcanoes. He was placed in a space ship by Maximus.
  2. As well as being The Man From Uncle in Guy Ritchie’s remake, Henry Cavill is actually an uncle, after his brother or sister had a child.
  3. Henry Cavill was originally in contention to play Edward in Twilight, 007 in Casino Royale and Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games. He lost the roles for different reasons. He was too old for Twilight; too young for Casino Royale; and too male for The Hunger Games.
  4. Although Henry Cavill killed Michael Shannon at the end of Man of Steel (SPOILER ALERT), he was never arrested because it was all pretend.
  5. While filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder encouraged the two leads to have an adversarial relationship by telling them they were both shit.

For more FACTS click HERE.

DOWNEY JR. AND CUMBERBATCH IN SHERLOCK XMAS SPECIAL

LONDON – Robert Downey Jr and Benedict Cumberbatch will co-star in a Xmas Special edition of Sherlock for the BBC, written by Steven Moffat and directed by Guy Ritchie.

Writer Moffat told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the idea of getting Cumberbatch and Downey Jr together:

We’re absolutely stoked about this opportunity. Benedict Cumberbatch and Robert Downey Jr. have given audiences an amazing pair of Sherlocks, entirely different, but entirely convincing and to see them together in an adventure is almost too exciting for words. My cerebral and witty script will be complemented by Mr. Guy Ritchie’s high octane, and slightly nonsensical action direction.

How will you explain the presence of two Sherlocks in the same world?

That’s relatively easy. It’s no secret that I also have had a hand in the new Doctor Who. Well, I’ve decided to move both the Sherlocks into the Doctor Who universe. In fact, there is a reveal that explains how it is that Sherlocks are so clever. What I’m saying is what if the Sherlocks actually had access to a machine that allowed them to travel in time and were also able to regenerate.

Sherlock Holmes is a Time Lord?

Not only a Time Lord. Why not THE Time Lord?

Doctor Sherlock Holmes will be broadcast on Christmas Day.

NEW KING ARTHUR FILM TO BE TOLD FROM THE ROUND TABLE’S PERSPECTIVE

HOLLYWOOD – Guy Ritchie’s new King Arthur film – Knights of the Round Table: King Arthur – is to tell the entire story of King Arthur from the perspective of the round table around which the knights of the Round Table sit.

Knights of the Round Table: King Arthur is to take an original look at the tale of King Arthur, shot entirely from the perspective of the Round Table. Director Guy Ritchie popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to eat some ‘pie and peas’ and natter about his new project:

At first I was not interested in doing King Arthur again. It didn’t seem like yesterday that there was that God awful Clive Owen movie, purporting to tell the true story of King Arthur. But when I read Joby Harold’s script I was blown away. The whole story is told from the first person perspective of the Round Table. It was such an original idea, I began to toy with the idea of actually doing it. But one thing worried me.

What was that?

Casting, obviously. Who would I get to ‘voice’ the table? Of course this is a tale of Bronze age valor so I was guessing that the table would have been made of some heavy wood, oak most likely. It was then that I happened to play squash with Jude Law and it hit me: Jude would perfect at playing a large lump of wood.

How is the story going to work?

The table is magic, you see. It’s what binds the Knights together. It’s why they are there really and Arthur (Charlie Hunman) finds it so useful in counseling him, that he had a hinge put in the middle, so he can fold it and take it with him on his quest for the Holy Grail and some of the later battles.

That’s genius!

I know right. So we get the table’s view of all the action as it happens. And there’s some comedy when they’re feasting and spilling stuff on it. And there’s a quite hot scene when Lancelot and Guinevere get intimate on the woodwork. And of course the table is torn wherever to say anything or not.

Knights of the Round Table: King Arthur will be released in 2016.

GUY RITCHIE CONFIRMS BIGGLES

LONDON – King Arthur, Sherlock Holmes and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels director, Guy Ritchie will direct the forthcoming movie version of the First World War flying ace, Biggles.

The Captain W.E. Johns created hero Biggles has been a young boy’s fantasy figure for years, though he has recently fallen out of favor with the rise superhero movies and toy franchises. Ritchie spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec on condition we did not refer to his former marriage to Madonna. Madonna first came to prominence in the early Eighties with a series of pop hits produced by her then partner Jellybean. After a stormy relationship with Sean Penn, she went on to release a series of albums which were both commercially and critically successful. Her relationship with Guy Ritchie culminated in the motion picture Swept Away, which subsequently was. Speaking about Biggles, Ritchie (neé Madonna) had this to say:

James ‘Biggles’ Bigglesworth is by far the most interesting British hero since Sherlock Holmes and James Bond and yet because of certain old fashioned attitudes he has been unfairly maligned and has all but disappeared from libraries and schools. I hope my film Biggles and the Darkie Menace will make people rethink.

Robert Downey Jr. is said to be interested in the role, because it will continue his recent run of films in which ‘I don’t really have to act or anything.’ Ritchie said that he hopes Downey Jr. will take the part:

Me and Robert have a true understanding having worked together on two pictures. He is one of the most instinctive actors I know. He seems to do no preparation whatsoever. Almost as if he is just ‘dialing in a performance’ as we used to say down London way. Of course, behind that air of casual laziness, I can assure you lie literally minutes of hard work.

Ritchie will hope to reproduce the massive success of Biggles: Adventures in Time, a 1986 film that everyone has largely forgotten.

Biggles and the Darkie Menace will be released in 2019.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT MADONNA

HOLLYWOOD – Following her recent fall at the Brits, the Studio Exec FACT Squad was given the mission to find out more about this woman called Madonna.

This is what we discovered:

1. Born in Bay City, Michigan in 1958, Madonna Louise Ciccone started her singing career in The Breakfast Club, a band in which she played guitar and drums as well as singing. Her career really took off with Holiday, Borderline and Like a Virgin in the mid-eighties. At this stage of her career Madonna had not fallen over at the Brits.

2. Once her career in the music business was established, the ambitious young singer started to look abroad, fancying herself as an actress. She appeared in a series of moderately successful films with the odd flop. In Shanghai Surprise she starred alongside her troubled husband Sean Penn. Although there were incidents of domestic abuse, up to this point Madonna has still failed to fall over at the Brits.

3. The True Blue period of her career began with the release of the album True Blue in 1986. Dedicated to her then husband Penn, the marriage was to break down in 1990, with divorce proceedings being filed, citing irreconcilable differences. Despite her personal difficulties her career was soaring and her tours were breaking attendance records everywhere. And yet her ability to not fall over in a humiliating way at an unimportant British awards events was beginning to cause concern, even among hard core Madonna-ers as her fans prefer to be called.

4. Now came perhaps the most controversial part of her career, her role as Breathless Mahoney in the Warren Beatty movie Dick Tracy. Everyone agreed it was kind of rubbish, but fortunately she managed to rescue her reputation with the wonderful Justify My Love, a song which pushed boundaries of taste and explicitness. Already a gay icon, this seemed to be a role she embraced using images of same sex kissing in the video and promoting AIDs charities. She appeared in Evita, married and more importantly divorced Guy Ritchie, wrote children’s books, flirted with archaic Jewish spiritualism, directed two movies and continued to reinvent herself in such a way as to keep her music before the public eye, an inspiration to all. Many now believed that falling down the stairs was beyond her and that her career would basically be viewed as a failure.

5. Finally, on the 25th of February, 2015, Madonna Louise Ciccone finally achieved the apex of her career and fell down the stairs. The hilarity that ensued ranks alongside the lynch mob mentality that goes after John Travolta as proof that we are an ungrateful, unforgiving fickle bunch of animals who wish only to tear into whoever is perceived as lagging regardless of their past achievements.

For more Oscars CLICK HERE.

TOM HARDY TO PLAY GARY AND MARTIN KEMP

LONDON – Everyone’s favorite actor, Tom Hardy has signed up to play the coveted roles of Gary and Martin Kemp in Guy Richie’s upcoming biopic The Kemps.

“I’m excited, Tom Hardy’s excited. We’re all farking excited” said an excited Richie.

I’ve been wanting to make a film about the Kemps for years. Back in 2002 I was about shoot it with Daniel Day-Lewis playing the roles but he went off his rocker and asked us take a sample of his DNA, create a clone through artificial insemination, have the child raised by the Kemps and wait 40 years. I said ‘Day Lewis, you’re farking avin’ me on.’ and it turns out he wasn’t because he quit and made that Gangs of New York…the farking big sh*thouse.”

The script for The Kemps, based on the original graphic novel by Alan Moore charts the brothers through their early years in Islington, the formation of the band Spandau Ballet and culminates with the filming of Peter Medak’s The Krays.
Idris Elba, who was a surprise choice to play Spandau Ballet front man Tony Hadley,  told The Studio Exec he is convinced that The Kemps is going to be one of the seminal films in British cinematic history.
“I’m convinced that The Kemps is going to be one of the seminal films in British cinematic history,” said an adamant Elba.

As for me playing Hadley. What’s the beef? Samuel L. Jackson played Nick Fury and nobody gave him any lip so if anyone has a problem with it, they can shut their farking pie holes.

The Kemps is due for release in 2015.

REMAKE WATCH: GUY RITCHIE’S THE MAN FROM U.N.C.L.E

ROME – Due to be released this year, Guy Ritchie sets off on a globe trotting franchise with The Man From U.N.C.L.E. starring Henry Cavill as Napoleon Solo and Armie Hammer as Illya Kuryakin.  

Based on the NBC TV show which ran from 1964-68, the new film employs the writing-directing team which brought us the most recent cinematic version of Sherlock Holmes. Director Ritchie has vowed that it will be the most ecological film ever made, using wood coming only from sustainable forests and woodland. Henry Cavill, who recently mahogany-ed it up as Man of Steel, will go trunk to trunk with the Lone Ranger himself, Armie Hammer. Additional timber will be provided by Hugh Grant and a possible guest appearance by David Beckham, whose role will presumably be too make the others look like actors. Plot details are scant but if Ritchie’s recent form is anything to go by, you can expect a tongue in cheek romp which doesn’t overly disturb higher brain functions. One can also hope that with international intrigue high on the agenda, it keeps Mr. Ritchie away from his blessed cockneys. 

PETER JACKSON CANCELS THE HOBBIT SEQUELS.

 WELLINGTON – After the underwhelming response to part one of The Hobbit Trilogy, Peter Jackson has confirmed to the Studio Exec that he is cancelling the remaining two parts with immediate effect.

We caught up with Jackson in his Wellington office to ask why he is abandoning the project.
 
Mr Jackson. Why have you decided to cease production on The Hobbit?
Oh it’s just so boring. I was about to film another bloody walking through the woods scene when I thought, ‘Sod this for a game of soldiers and I stopped all the cameras and sent everyone home.’
 
That sounds like a rash move. Surely you are under obligation to show people who saw the first film what happens next?
If they want to know what happens next then they can go down to the library and borrow the book. It’s only short, you could read it on the toilet in one sitting.
 
So why did you decide to make a trilogy. Why not condense it into one long feature?
 
That’s what I wanted to do but the studio decided it could triple the box office and after I pissed a load of money up the wall making The Lovely Bones, they had me by the balls.
 
So what’s changed. Surely you’ve signed a contract to produce three films?

I did and I have no doubt this is going to ruin me me both professionally and financially but if it’s a choice between that and spending another minute looking at Martin Freeman’s hamster face. I’d rather be broke and unemployable.

What about the next installment of the TinTin series. Aren’t you signed on to direct?
I was but the studio fired me. I hear Guy Richie is doing it now. TinTin and the Cockney Slags I believe it’s called.
 
And what next for you?
I’m going to sell everything I own and remake The Lovely Bones. I want to get it right this time.
 
Sounds like a bold move. How will it differ from your first attempt.
I’m going back to basics. This time I’m going to do it all on hand held camera with puppets and there will be a graphic 30 minute molestation and murder scene. It’s going to make A Serbian Filmlook like The Little Mermaid.
Exciting stuff. Thanks for the interview.