GUILLERMO DEL TORO PREPS SPLASH 2

HOLLYWOOD – Guillermo del Toro announced his next film will be Splash 2.

Following The Shape of Water, Guillermo del Toro will pursue the life aquatic with a sequel to the 1984 comedy Splash. The original Ron Howard comedy starred Tom Hanks as a young man who falls in love with mermaid Daryl Hannah who is literally a fish out of water.

Guillermo came into the Studio Exec bungalow to discuss the movie:

I love the original Splash and I wanted to do something with it. I talked with both Daryl and Tom. They agreed that revisiting their roles would be an essential part of the new movie. As it happened, I had written a script when I was a film student in Mexico and with some modification we’ll use that.

What’s the story?

If you recall at the end of Splash, Allan – Tom’s character – dived into the water so that he’d live with Madison the mermaid for the rest of his life. We take up with them again. But now with the pollution and the plastic bags, the oceans are no longer a healthy place to be. Allan is actually fading, he’s got cancer.

Oh no.

So they swim up the river and once more take to land. They cross America, stopping at motels and lakes. They’re pursued by mad scientists and an oil company baron who wants to use Madison as a logo for his company. It’s a sad tale about mortality and old age. It’s also about the road not taken as Allan rediscovers a reality that he has never known because of his time in the water.

Wow.

Yeah, I know. It’s like On Golden Pond meets Midnight Run.

It sounds great. 

Yeah, Tom and Daryl and I are really excited. Ultimately, it’s an opportunity to look at the America through the eyes of people who have been missing from the 80s. There’s humor and adventure and all that, as well.

Splash 2 is set for 2019.

PETER JACKSON ADMITS THE HOBBIT WAS SH*T

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson just admitted that The Hobbit films were absolutely sh*t.

In a revealing DVD extra documentary Peter Jackson comes clean about making of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug and The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies. An obviously emotional Jackson speaks candidly about the process of making the Tolkien trilogy:

When Guillermo del Toro dropped out of The Hobbit, I had to step and I didn’t have the time to prepare for the shoot that I had had for Lord of the Rings. We had a three year pre-production on Lord of the Rings and here I was straight in to shooting 21 hour days and trying to catch up on everything as I went along and I have to say I was winging it. I mean the reason we ended up doing three movies was essentially because I need time to think, so it was like when you don’t know what to say next so you just go erm erm erm erm erm until something pops into your head. Desolation of Smaug was my erm.

But come on Peter the films were well liked. You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.

The films weren’t liked. Even the people who liked them didn’t really like them. It was like a form of self-hypnosis. The critics saw through them pretty well. And I rewatched them all recently and I have to say, they are all sh*t.

That’s very strong.

Not just sh*t, they’re unwatchable garbage marathons. Festering piles of digitally manipulated cat turd, laced with tedious word blancmanges in a CGI universe of stunning mediocrity. It’s drivel, appalling, filth, vomit and dribble. Abhorrent, boring, dumb, fantasy ass wash.

But…

Steaming great piles of undigested Tolkien farts. Complete and utter bollocks.

The frame rate…

F*ck the frame rate. It just made the moronic, inept, dreadful, hopeless, violent stupidity all the more clear for everyone to see. Oh but it was bad. Oh so so bad.

Peter Jackson’s Silmarillion: The Unexpected First Age will be released in 2019.

 

LARS VON TRIER INFILTRATES CANNES JURY

CANNES – It was revealed today that Lars Von Trier has infiltrated the Cannes jury but it is as yet unclear which jury member has the Danish controversialist hidden somewhere within them.

The Croisette was on red alert last night as it emerged that Lars Von Trier has somehow managed to infiltrate the Cannes Jury. Presidents of the Jury Joel and Ethan Coen released a joint statement in which they both said that the Nymphomaniac director had been detected via special irony machines set up for that very purpose by the Gendarmes.

We knew something like this might happen. What we didn’t know was how clsoe he would get. We know he is actually inside one of the members of the jury. How he did this is as yet unclear, though our money is on a Fantastic Voyage type of shrinking machine.

Where could Lars Von Trier be?

Rossy de Palma (Actress – Spain)
She would make the perfect host. Utterly charming and unsuspecting and plus Von Trier would be attracted to the dusky southern lady.

Sophie Marceau
(Actress, Director – France)
Unlikely. Sophie is a waifish figure unlikely to hide the gross presence of the Breaking the Waves director.

Sienna Miller (Actress – United Kingdom)
Lars Von Trier might try to infect the impressionable American born but UK based actress. Would she have the will to resist his MIND POWERS?

Rokia Traoré (Composer, Singer-songwriter – Mali)
Although not strictly speaking a racist, Von Trier is a Nazi and so his Aryan nature is unlikely to mix well with the Malian singer.

Guillermo del Toro (Director, Writer, Producer – Mexico)
Perhaps the obvious place to look. The Pacific Rim director has room enough for a whole Dogma movement.

Xavier Dolan (Director, Writer, Producer, Actor – Canada)

Canadian prodigy Xavier Dolan has had a string of critical successes. How could one so young be so artistically mature? Perhaps if there was a great Dane lurking within the state of Xavier.

Jake Gyllenhaal (Actor – United States)

We all know how much Lars Von Trier loves Hollywood movies and none more so than the Prince of Persia. In many ways Gylenhaal would be the perfect place to find one’s very own private Brokeback Mountain.

BEN STILLER SIGNS ON FOR CALL OF CTHULHU

HOLLYWOOD – Following the horror of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller has announced that his next film will be an intentional horror: an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s Call of Cthulhu.

The Meet the Fockers star has been a long-time Lovecraft aficionado and spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his new project:

Not since Tropic Thunder have I been so utterly psyched by a project. H.P. Lovecraft’s stories have freaked me out ever since I read them as a child and I have dreamed of bringing his weird and archaic visions of obsidian horror of the Old Ones to the big screen.

Many have tried and failed.

Indeed. Roger Corman had a crack at it but his versions were more an extension of his Edgar Allen Poe adaptations. And then Brian Yuzna had a crack, but he was again like he was actually using Lovecraft to explore his own weird sex stuff and blackly comic sensibility. And most recently Guillermo Del Toro has been battling to get the Mountains of Madness onto the screen.

So what is going to help you succeed?

With Walter Mitty and Tropic Thunder, although those films are nominally comedies, I really got into terrifying darkness of otherworldly strangeness. There were angles that seem unworldly and an eldritch stench and scratching that arose also from a knowledge of what it is like to be close to Ricky Gervais. In fact Ricky Gervais and Owen Wilson are both in the film, but they reveal depths to their own gnawing fear that has hitherto been suspected but never witnessed by human minds, at least not ones that haven’t been driven stark raving mad and now confined in the mossy depths of the Arkham Asylum.

The Call of Cthulhu will be released in 2016.

PACIFIC RIM: REVIEW

HONG KONG – SMASH: Godzillas coming through an underwater vagina threaten the world with Roland Emmerich movies: CRASH: The last chance for humanity, a bunch of Transformers, sponsored by Jaegermeister and driven by two 3D characters pretending to have emotional back stories and playing Just Dance on Wii. BOOM!

Guillermo del Toro splashes down (SHHHWAAHAHHHSHSHHTHUUUMMMMMMMMCRKKKLLLINKKLELELELLssss) with the latest Summer blockbuster. It’s loud not just because of the FTTHHSHTUNK of warring giant robots and monsters but also with the sound of orgasmic cries from the fan boy community. Sure, it’s a hell of a lot better than Michael Bay, but that bar is so low you could probably get over it just by sliding. 
The film is fun, brainless nonsense with a ‘don’t think about it too hard’ premise, cheerfully ticking all the cliché boxes almost as if it was honour bound to do so – the rousing speech, the hard ass boss, the maverick who doesn’t obey orders, and the ethnic stereotypes. But the action is well done, the spectacle spectacular. There’s the occasional flash of wit though the broader comedy falls flatter than some of the crushed cars, such as the comedy scientists who look exactly like empty shapes in the script with ‘add comedy here’ written on them in pencil. 

A noisy exercise in the city smash/giant robots hitting monsters genre that gives its target audience exactly what they want: the fantasy that some day they’ll save the Earth because of their gaming skills. 

PETER JACKSON EYES LORD OF THE RINGS SEQUELS

WELLINGTON – Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson talked post Hobbit projects this morning with Studio Exec  and his plans look set to excite Middle Earth fanatics everywhere.

‘We have been looking at making stand-alone sequels to each of the films in the original trilogy which would seek to exploit squeeze dry rape  pay homage to the world Tolkien created,’ the Bad Taste director, Peter Jackson said, smiling weakly.

The first films would go into production in 2014 and would be directed by Guillermo Del Toro: ‘We hire him and then we fire him,’ Jackson giggled. ‘It’s fun.’

According to Jackson the script of the first film is already done and the outlines of the other two films are coming into shape. ‘The first film will be The Fellowship of the Ring Rides Again,’ said The Lovely Bones. ‘Followed by The Two Towers Two. Fran wanted this one to be called The Four Towers and so that might change. And rounding off our new trilogy will be The Return of the Return of the King, which we hope will win twenty two Oscars.’

How would Jackson respond to criticism that he was milking Tolkien pretty dry?

I’d probably throw money at them. Ha ha ha. No, I’d pay someone to throw money at them. Ha ha ha. No, but seriously. I could probably throw the money myself. And I have a lot of it, so that would probably do the trick. Bags of coins, or gold bars or something. I could hire a helicopter and drop it on them. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. No, but seriously, what people don’t understand is that Tolkien was an inveterate scribbler. We have shopping lists, letters he wrote, his homework from when he was a kid, graffiti he wrote in Oxford in Elvish. So lots to be going on with. 

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PIPPIN AND MERRY GET STAND ALONE MOVIE: PIPPY

WELLINGTON – Lord of the Rings director and animal murderer Peter Jackson has announced that he will begin filming a new project in the Autumn aimed to give fans of Middle Earth an extra two slices of Hobbit fun.

Pippy will tell the story of much loved ‘comic’ relief Merry and Pippin from the original Lord of the Rings saga. Guillerrmo Del Toro was due to direct, but later revealed he was just messing with Jackson and had no intention of doing anything of the sort. ‘It will be like Ewoks: The Battle for Endor, but probably not that good,’ said Jackson. ‘But it’ll be cheap. I can assure you of that.’

One of the main problems was getting Dominic Monaghan who plays one of them and Billy Boyd who plays the other to agree to it and find time in their busy schedules. No, I’m sorry I can’t keep a straight face. Can we do that again?

Monaghan and Boyd said they were delighted to ‘revisit Hobbiton’.

‘These are characters that we have grown to love as much as the public,’ they said in perfect unison. ‘We can’t wait to put on our furry feet and set off on adventures. We only wish Elijah was coming with us, but apparently he’s making a sitcom about an imaginary dog!?’

The plot is yet to be revealed but Jackson was adamant it would not include dragons nor would it make use of their ill-judged attempt to bring back the Black and White Minstrels.