MCU APPEARANCE MANDATORY FOR ALL ACTORS

BREAKING NEWS – With news that the final hold-out actor, Will Poulter has joined Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3, The Screen Actor’s Guild (SAG) have declared an MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors. The Exec spoke with SAGA representative Joleen Knuckles to explain why the MCU appearance is mandatory for all actors.

Joleen, Why Is An MCU Appearance Mandatory For All Actors?

I don’t think ‘mandatory’ is the right word for it. I would say that it’s suggested. It’s just better for everyone, if you catch my drift.

What Do You Mean By That?

Let me put it this way, have you ever tried to put out a fire when your hands have been cut off? No, of course you haven’t. But then again, you aint a fully paid up member of The Screen Actor’s Guild. That fucking punk, Poulter thought he didn’t have to appear in a Marvel film. That is, until Rocko, Stabber and Fucknugget paid him a visit. He saw sense pretty soon after that.

But There Are Lots Of Actors Who Haven’t Appeared In A Marvel Production.

Oh, yeah? Like who? Hang on, wait, let me get my notebook out.

Timothee Chalamet. He Said In A Recent Interview He Wouldn’t Appear In A Super Hero Movie.

Who does that skinny fuckin’ twiglet think he is? Does he know who he’s messing with here? We’re the god-damned SAG. That piece of shit. You wait until I speak to his agent. I’ll have that mofo hanging out of his penthouse balcony by his ankles before he can say ‘Martin Scorsese’. Who else is holding out on us?

I Think You Now Have Every Living Actor Signed Up.

We aint stopping there. We can deep-fake the dead ones. That’s basically what we do with Chris Pratt anyway. We’ll start with Yul Bryner as Professor Charles Xavier in an X-Men reboot. Because they haven’t done that franchise for a couple of years.

Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol.3 Enters Production Shortly

JAMES GUNN KUNDUN REMAKE GREENLIT

Hollywood – Disney today announced they have greenlit a James Gunn Kundun remake.

The Suicide Squad director will helm a remake of the Scorsese tale of the young Dalai Lama. With the James Gunn Kundun remake greenlit, The Guardians director promises it will be an all action CGI spectacular. The Exec sat down to talk remakes and Scorsese with Gunn.


 

How will your Kundun be different to the Scorsese version?

“What many people don’t know about the early life of the Dalai Lama, he was a hyper-violent vigilante. He would often dress up in a costume, sneak out of the monastery and fight crime.”

 

Was there much crime to fight in rural Tibet?

“Oh shit, yeah. There were gangs of psychopathic supervillains everywhere. But many of them had superpowers. Luckily, the Dalai Lama can fly with his rocket boots. So, many nights, he would put his Walkman on, listen to Bowie and fly around looking for criminals.”

 

That sounds a bit like Star Lord from Guardians?

“No. It’s completely and totally different. Honest.”

 

Who is playing the Dalai Lama?

“Chris Pratt. Because he has the right balance of physicality, spirituality and slapstick comedy chops. Michael Rooker will play the Chinese Government representative who shafts the Lama. But in this version, the Lama doesn’t go into exile. There’s gonna be a huge CGI fight between the two. Because Skyscrapers blowing up everywhere as they fly around in their laser-ships is true cinema.”

 

What do you think Martin Scorsese will make of this, given his recent comments?

“Marty? He wrote the fucking script! This was the story he originally wanted to tell but couldn’t get the funding. He wanted to film mid-air battles but the technology wasn’t available. People are making a whole thing about what Marty said. But it’s all misdirection, believe me. Taxi Driver would never have ended like that if he’d had a decent budget. Travis Bickle would have become a masked vigilante. Goodfellas would have had a running gun battle like Heat. It’s all bullshit.”

 

James Gunn’s Kundun Begins Filming Next Month

CHRIS PRATT BOLDLY SPEAKS OUT IN DEFENCE OF WHITE MEN

HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pratt stands up for white men against the tyranny of Hollywood.

Parks and Recreation and Guardians of the Galaxy star Chris Pratt has bravely stood up for the rights of white men in America. Talking to Men’s Fitness Magazine, Pratt discussed the dearth of white men in movies today:

I don’t see personal stories that necessarily resonate with me, because they’re not my stories. I think there’s room for me to tell mine, and probably an audience that would be hungry for them. The voice of the average, blue-collar American isn’t necessarily represented in Hollywood.

Although he didn’t say white, a quick glance at the Oscars sees that Fences was about as Blue Collar as you could get. Unless you watched Blue Collar perhaps with Harvey Keitel, Yaphett Koto and Richard Prior. So one can only assume that Fences was discounted because it was black blue collar. Moonlight was pretty much a story of the underclass as well. But again black. This is a creepy kind of racism that doesn’t even know it’s racist. Like all this talk about listening to the working class and how the working class feel excluded to explain Trump’s victory. Even though the poor mostly went Clinton and the black working class voted overwhelming against him. My English friends would know that a Pratt can also be a prat, but let’s not do this.

Chris Pratt will continue to be rich and white.

CHRIS PRATT TO PLAY THE NEW LARA CROFT

HOLLYWOOD – Popular video game heroine from the 1990s Lara Croft originally played by Angelina Jolie is to be revived in a new film of Tomb Raider starring Chris Pratt as the pneumatic adventurer.

Chris Pratt has confirmed that he will be playing Lara Croft in a new film starring the Tomb Raider.

Chris Pratt spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new film:

Initially, Alicia Vikander was tapped to play the role but following the success of the casting of Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One and the girl power Ghostbusters, the filmmakers thought they would go with a revolutionary new choice. Me! I was great in Jurassic World and fantastic in Guardians of the Galaxy and so Lara Croft was like a slam dunk with my affable way.

Director Roar Uthaug told the Studio Exec, ‘We’re really pleased to have Chris. Originally, we were thinking of Daisy Ridley and Alicia Vikander. They’re great, they’re women, and the British accent wouldn’t be a problem, but Chris took a piece of shit like Jurassic World and made that baby fly.’

Lara Croft will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

GOLDIE HAWN JOINS KURT RUSSELL FOR GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY 2

HOLLYWOOD – Today the news we have all been waiting for was finally confirmed: Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are uniting for Guardians of the Galaxy 2.

Everybody knew that Guardians of the Galaxy 2 was going to be good.  The original James Gunn film was a fun, witty and action-packed adventure, but rumors had been circulating that none other than Deathproof, pork chops himself Kurt Russell would be appearing as the Star-Lord’s father. However, it was only today we discovered that he would be reuniting with his wife Goldie Hawn who joins the cast as Star-Lord’s stepmother Joanna.

Director James Gunn told the Studio Exec:

I was so excited about getting Kurt but secretly I wanted the family pack. I am a huge fan of Overboard and this will be an unofficial remake of that film. Obviously we focus a lot on Chris Pratt and the various japes that he gets up to, but there is a whole subplot about Star-Lord’s dad and his step mom and how they met. The chemistry between the two of them is off the chart and I think this is something that really is going to lift the film above the usual sequel problems.

Goldie Hawn said that she was very excited to be a part of the new film.

More than anything it will be a chance for me and Kurt to spend a little time together. What with a hectic schedule it has been really difficult to find any time to sit down and really enjoy each other’s company. On a film set, strangely enough there actually is quite a lot of time to do that. We’ll probably drive each other crazy but that doesn’t matter because it will feed into the characters.

The Guardians of the Galaxy 2 will be released.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

RYAN REYNOLDS RULES OUT DEADPOOL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Ryan Reynolds has today announced that there will not be a Deadpool 2, despite a stunning box office performance by the wise-cracking R-rated superhero last week.

‘No Deadpool 2,’ Ryan Reynolds pronounced clearly on Monday evening to a tired but lucid Studio Exec in the Studio Exec penthouse of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. No doubt fans will be baffled by this move but Reynolds seemed resolute and gave his reasoning in a way that made it seem that he had thought this out clearly.

What do people like about Deadpool? They like that it is refreshing and R-rated and original. Above all original. No one has done this kind of irreverent take on the superhero genre since Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2. There was Super as well, which was brilliant though not many people went to see it. And that one with Woody Harrelson which was pretty much the same idea. I mean if you think about it Guardians of the Galaxy and the first Avengers movie are essentially comedies disguised as Marvel movies. But none of that matters, what I was saying is no one has ever seen anything like Deadpool before. So there’s that. That is the thing that is so good about the film. So what am I going to do? Deadpool 2? NO! That would be BS. And everyone would see it for the chicken shit move it would be. We’re going to keep Deadpool as a unique and wonderful experience. We’re going to respect the integrity of the piece, instead of trying to milk it for dirty dollars, as the quality almost inevitably goes down.

Wow! That’s quite a…

Act of heroic artistic vision? Yes, I know. And I’m not going to pretend it’s going to be easy. I’m sure the studios will be trying to put a lot of pressure on me and the director but we’re solid. This is our decision. I’m only sorry that Stephen Lang is going to be disappointed. He’s a great actor and I’d have loved to have worked with him. Maybe we’ll find something else.

But this is also a sacrifice for you personally. I mean Deadpool is your breakout success. You should really think about doing something else with it.

Don’t worry about old Ryan Reynolds. He’s like a cat. And I don’t mean I can lick my own asshole. I mean I land on my feet all the time. Look at that time you said my eyes were too close together. Did I crumble? No. I went to Mexico and had illegal corrective surgery. As long as Nicolas Sparks is writing novels, I’ll be okay. Who knows? We might even do that Green Lantern sequel everyone has been begging me for.

Deadpool 2 will not be released in 2017.

MARVEL LAUNCH 24 HOUR NEWS CHANNEL

NEW YORK – Marvel have announced a new venture – a 24 hour news channel which will give EXCLUSIVE minute by minute updates and rolling coverage of everything happening in the Marvel Universe.

They began with comic books and then branched out into movie franchises such as Iron Man and The Avengers and TV shows such as Daredevil and Jessica Jones, but now Marvel are extending their reach even further with a 24 Hour news channel dedicated to reporting events in the Marvel Universe.

Former NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams will be heading the Marvel news team with his trademark imagination and cutting edge analysis.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec from the Avengers’ secret base in Canada, Williams had this to say:

This is going to be a dedicated news service providing viewers with all the up to date information that they need about the goings on in the Marvel Universe. There’ll be tech news with Tony Stark, dedicated Hulk warnings and Black Widow will do the weather. Foreign correspondent Thor will give you the intergalactic news, including the latest developments in Asgard and the refugee crisis following the near destruction of Xandar. Groot will have a dedicated part of the show where he gives his critical commentary on what is going on in the world of politics and Drax the Destroyer and Rocket are double teaming for the Sports Desk.

Potentially rival stations have reacted differently. NBC wished Mr. Williams the best in a cordial statement, but CNN bitterly criticized the development, saying ‘There is no room for fictional news in the schedule.’ In contrast Fox News welcomed the new channel, saying in a statement:

Fox News has always encouraged the use of fantasy to the utmost in our reporting of the news and we can only stand back and admire the new initiative of Marvel 24 Hour News Channel. They are genuinely running with this.

The Marvel News Channel will  begin broadcasting at the end of the week.

NEW ALIEN FILM WILL ALSO STAR SPIDER-MAN

HOLLYWOOD – District 9 and Elysium director Neill Blomkamp confirms that his new Alien film will also feature Spider-Man.

How the ubiquitous web-slinger will be joining the Xenomorph has not yet been made clear, but Blomkamp tweeted an image which shows clearly some concept art featuring Spidey’s mask pasted over a hunter xenoform’s body, apparently from Aliens. Alien watcher Emily Zapatta said:

This is a very exciting prospect.  Neil Blomkamp is someone who obviously loves mixing up genres. The documentary style with the alien film in District 9. The good film at the beginning of Elysium with the awful one that just goes on and on with the rest of the film. So Spider-Man fighting Aliens or even being an Alien… Why Not?

 Neill Blomkamp spokes with Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I didn’t really want to put Spider-Man in my film but the fact of the matter is we’re going to be releasing it in 2017 and there is a rule that any film post 2016 has to have a Marvel character in it or it won’t be distributed. I hear Star Wars are going with The Guardians of the Galaxy.

But how is that going to make sense with the original series?

Sense? Ha! That’s not considered that important any more. Look we’re trying to get Sigourney in but apparently she’s going to have to dress as a Ghostbuster.

But how does that…?

Don’t ask! I mean, it makes me want to go and do something less morally dubious. Design and sell chemical weapons to Third World dictators.

The Amazing Alien will be released in 2017.

NORTH KOREA NATIONAL DEFENCE COMMISSION STATEMENT IN FULL

HOLLYWOOD – The North Korean National Defence Commission issued a statement in response to President Obama and the FBI’s contention that they sponsored the Sony hack.

This is the statement in full:

Strange thing that happened in the heart of the U.S., the ill-famed cesspool of injustice, is now afloat in the world as shocking news. Sony the biggest producer of film and movie things has been hacked by the righteous opponents of Terrorist film, The Interview. President Obama is doing things, pulling off people who had nothing to with it and Mike Myers the Austin Powers man who plays his own nemesis was on SNL, proving once more that the funny things that come out from the front of his face are not as funny as he thought they were when he sat on his own in a room and thought about funny face front spewings. The US have sunk in their quagmire.

All of this came about because James Franco and Seth Rogen made a filmogram which viciously and evilly attacked the supreme leader of a sovereign nation – we’re talking Kim Jong-un here in case you were thinking, ‘what?’ First off, Pineapple Express was totally awesome and the DPRK would be totally blissful if they were to make a sequel of the stoner comedy highlight entertainment. But, no. Instead, they use their powers for comedy good, for political evil and make The Interview. We know for a fact that President Barack Obama directed the film in person, and even had his own chair with ‘Director – Barack Obama’ written on the back, for reals. This film includes a very funny scene of Seth Rogen sticking something up his posterior seat. If only Mr. Rogen had stuck up more things up his posterior seat and spent less time trying to make the commentary on the politics he knows nothing about.

Fortunately, film distributors in all the US states including Canada, which is the biggest US state, have banned the film, because they didn’t think it was any good. Likewise Sony have withdrawn it and this is all because of the work of The Guardians of the Galaxy. Chris Pratt can expect a nice big pie being brought to his room along with flowers of his choosing, courtesy of North Korea and the NBA’s Dennis Rodman.

The best thing that everyone could do now is like chill and stop with the who hacked who and all that confusion and worry. We at the DPRK are willing to let the things that go by to continue to have gone by without calling them back, if Sony agree to make a new Police Academy movie starring our Supreme Leader, side-by-side with Steve Guttenberg, but Steve Guttenberg will now have to be the sidekick. Because that is only what is right. Denis Rodman can do funny noises with his mouth and Chris Pratt can be in it too.

The U.S. should reflect on its evil doings that put itself in such a trouble, apologize to the Koreans and other people of the world and should not dare pull off others.

For more on the Sony Hack READ HERE.

EDGE OF TOMORROW GETS NEW TITLE

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Cruise’s clever science fiction action movie Edge of Tomorrow has been renamed according to Warner Bros sources and is now galled Guardians of the Galaxy.

The news of the name was not officially announced but leaked after packaging for the home entertainment release of the film showed the original title relegated to an obscure bottom corner and the new title emblazoned in flaming letters five feet high. Everyone (including The Studio Exec) knew that the title Edge of Tomorrow was hopelessly bland and generic. The original Manga on which the film was based was entitled the much darker and wittier All You Need is Kill. Even the title Film would have been less crap. But someone at Warner Bros, or as part of the ‘creative’ team, thought better.

Now belatedly and following the film’s disappointing box office wiser councils have prevailed and the new title – Guardians of the Galaxy – is both aesthetically more pleasing and will, hopefully, increase sales.

A source from within the studio had this to say:

We really love this title Guardians of the galaxy because it fits so well the plot. Tom in the film is really a Guardian, and Emily too, therefore plural, and the Galaxy is what is at stake. Well, maybe just the Earth, but still you get the idea.

Guardians of the Galaxy: Edge of Tomorrow is available to buy now.

CHRIS PRATT CELEBRATES GUARDIANS HIT BY EATING

HOLLYWOOD – Chris Pratt has celebrated the critical and commercial success of his new movie Guardians of the Galaxy by going on a three week eating spree.

Pratt, who plays Peter Quill in the new Marvel Science Fiction adventure, names eating as one of his favorite hobbies:

As soon as we wrapped the film I knew we had something good so I just unlocked the fork and spoon from the house safe and set about Super Sizing me!

Friends of the Parks and Recreation star have expressed some concern:

It isn’t healthy yo-yoing from fat to thin and back again. I know Christian Bale can do it, but he’s like Christian Bale. He can basically do anything.

But the Lego Movie actor dismissed such concerns:

Look, I’m going to be making Knight Rider in a few months, so I know I’ll go on a diet and start working out. Look out for the selfies! But in the meantime, can’t a man just admit the truth. Working out sucks, and eating lots of food is the bomb!

Knight Rider will be released in 2016.

JAMES GUNN: 5 SUPERHEROES YOU WANT TO HAVE A MEANINGFUL CONVERSATION WITH

 

 

HOLLYWOOD – Hi, I’m James Gunn, director of Super, Slither and … oh yeah GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY. Now some of you might remember I got into a bit of hot water with a sexist and homophobic blog post I wrote back in 2011 entitled ’50 Superheroes You Most Want to Have Sex With’. I’ve apologized and I regret it very much, but Studio Exec gave me the opportunity to redress the balance with another post along similar lines and I jumped at the chance. So here are my 5 Superheroes I’d most like to have a meaningful conversation with.

1. Batwoman. I’d first of all love to apologise to her and say I’m fully aware that Lesbian women do not need/want ‘curing’, especially not by misogynists like Tony Stark. Am I right, sisters? Then I’d read some poetry with her. Sylvia Plath is one of my favourite poets. Or not. I mean she might not be into poetry. That’d be something we’d have to find out.

2. Gambit. Again I’d probably want to apologise first off the bat for calling him a ‘Cajun fruit’. Then we’d talk about something else. I don’t know anything really. Soccer, or movies. Ken Loach’s Sex and the City 3. Though why I said that one in particular, I don’t know. That’s just bullshit right there. We could talk about, like, Captain Phillips just as easily. Or The Expendables 3!

3. Pepper Potts. I’d love to talk to Pepper. I think she’d make a wonderful stand alone movie. So far we’ve just seen her making coffee and screaming and stuff. It’d be great for the world to appreciate her as the intelligent and fully rounded and deep human being she actually is. And who doesn’t want more Gwyneth Paltrow in the world, am I right?

4. Gamora. Obviously, she’s a strong woman and she is also one of the stars of my new movie. The Guardians of the Galaxy. It rocks.

5. The Black Widow. Because I’d totally f*ck her. Oh shit! I mean I’d talk to… we’d talk about… Dostoevsky or Charlotte Bronte or someone. We’d… or who am I kidding?

The Guardians of the Galaxy is out now.