MICHAEL BAY PARACHUTES IN TO GUAM

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay parachuted into Guam late last night.

The Transformers and The Rock director Michael Bay has been dropped over Guam, sources say. The freshly appointed Special Envoy to South East Asia, President Trump said that he appointed Mr. Bay because of his experience with explosive action sequences. An insider praised the move:

Michael is the perfect choice for this role. The situation is amazingly confusing. No one knows what is going on. There’s a very good chance it won’t end well. In other words, this looks exactly like a Michael Bay movie.

What will Bay do in Guam?

Hopefully act as a deterrent. We know that Kim Jong Il is a huge fan of Bad Boys 2. If they nuke Guam, we’re saying they’ll never see a Bad Boys 3.

But Kim Yong Il was the father. The leader is Kim Jong Un now.

Then we’re fucked.

Ah!

I suppose if I want look on the bright side, it means we’re probably not going to see another Transformers movie ever again.

Michael Bay will be directing Apocalypse ASAP.

 

CHUCK NORRIS DEPLOYED TO GUAM

Location of Chuck

  GUAM  – Early this morning Chuck Norris was dispatched to Guam, in the North West Pacific Ocean, and will be ready to be launched in a matter of hours according to our Pentagon sources.

‘This is not an empty gesture,’ said a source close to Chuck Hagel. ‘We are looking at North Korea’s increasingly belligerent stance and Norris is exactly the kind of precaution that any sensible President would like to have at hand.’
The move comes in response to a startling proliferation of nuclear activity on the North Korean border and noises from regional players Russia and China that an attack on US bases in Japan was a distinct possibility. An observer argued:
Got a Horsie Loves to Ride-y

There is very little that we know about what is actually going on inside North Korea. Rumors have it that Supreme Leader, Kim Jong Un, was angered by K.Pop sensation PSY and the popularity of the South Korean singer’s Gangnam Style, when his own single ‘Got A Horsie Love to Ride-y’ languishes at number 78 in the North Korean charts, despite being a totalitarian despot.

 The truth is the song is weak and has a chorus that is instantly forgettable. Some, however, have criticized the Obama administration for deploying Norris without first considering other options. ‘Steve Guttenberg is free,’ said Sen. John McCain.