JOHN OLIVER PUNCHES DUSTIN HOFFMAN IN THE FACE

NEW YORK – John Oliver and Dustin Hoffman got into a massive fight in New York last night.

John Oliver, the Host of Last Week Tonight, was hosting a panel to celebrate the 20th anniversary of the 1997 film Wag the Dog, when suddenly he launched an all out assault on The Graduate actor Dustin Hoffman. The discussion had turned to claims of harassment with British TV host unimpressed by Hoffman’s justifications. Before anyone knew what was happening, Oliver launched himself across the room and tackled Hoffman, knocking the 80 year old actor to the ground.

Hoffman however came up fast and bit off a piece of Oliver’s ear, spitting the blow stained gristle into the audience, which was now baying like frenzied beasts. Robert De Niro then punched Barry Levinson in the face for no reason whatsoever. The two were soon at it like a pair of old heavy weights, not that dissimilar from De Niro’s 2013 comedy Grudge Match. Members of the audience began to join in. Seats rained down onto the stage. As the veteran Tootsie star and Oliver continued to pound lumps out of each other.

In the midst of the violence, the bigger issues seemed to have forgotten, which is: has it really been 20 years since Wag the Dog?

John Oliver will be presenting the Oscars.

 

ROBERT DE NIRO TAKEN INTO PROTECTIVE CUSTODY

NEW YORK – Taxi Driver and Deer Hunter actor Robert de Niro was arrested yesterday afternoon by NYPD police and is being held at an undisclosed location in what is being termed ‘protective custody’.

The arrest was made following a viewing of Luc Besson’s new film The Family in which Mr. De Niro once more tries his hand at ‘comedy’. A police spokesperson said:

We at the NYPD have been keen fans of Mr. De Niro ever since Mean Streets. His work over the years has accrued a diversity of roles but always with a seriousness and artistry that even today makes us collectively gasp. One only need think of Jake La Motta, Travis Bickle, Noodles, the young Don Corleone, or Louis Cypher in Angel Heart. He’s worked with some of the finest directors in the business: Cimino, Bertolucci, Kazan, Gilliam and of course Martin Scorsese.

 The spokesperson drew a breath in pain:

And so it is with great heartache that we have watched Mr. De Niro tread upon his former glory and we have been keeping an eye especially on Mr. Ben Stiller in this regard. After all the rubbish he has done recently, culminating in The Family, we have decided it will be better if Mr. De Niro is confined. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about Grudge Match.

Police sources have hinted that the house arrest need not be permanent ‘should Marty Scorsese find a script they could do together’.

STALLONE MAKES BOXING MOVIE AS AN EXCUSE TO BEAT UP ROBERT DENIRO

HOLLYWOOD – Sylvester Stallone‘s Grudge Match has almost finished filming with Robert DeNiro. The film involves a pair of old boxing rivals who step back into the ring to settle once and for all who made the best Vietnam movie.

Alan Arkin plays the aging coach, rescued from a nursing home (along with the rest of the cast), to prepare Stallone for a final epic bout.
Sources close to Mr. Stallone said:

Sly feels very under-appreciated by the critical community. People love The Deer Hunter and put it above Rambo 2, likewise they always give the critical plaudits to Raging Bull and not Rocky. He is seething inside. Expendables was actually an attempt to remake Ronin. Sly hates DeNiro’s guts and my fear is that there are going to be some real punches thrown in the ring.   

Bobby DeNiro however pooh-poohed such talk as malicious gossip. ‘I’ve always been a great fan of Sylvester Stallone and we’re great buddies,’ said The Godfather Part Two star. ‘Stop or My Mom Will Shoot is what inspired me to become an actor in the first place.’
‘But you were already an actor when that came out.’
‘Yeah, well, what I mean is it would’ve. You know.’

Grudge Match is released in 2014.