ALAN SMITHEE BECOMES THE RESIDENT DCEU DIRECTOR

EXCLUSIVE – Warner Bros have announced Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director for all DCEU movies going forward. As Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director, we spoke to the infamous movie helmer to discuss this deal.

 

Alan, Thank You For Joining Us.

No problem at all. I want my fee up front for this. Or I don’t take off my disguise.

I Was Going To Ask About Your Groucho Marx Glasses And Moustache?

Look, the thing is, I’m famous for making bullshit movies. If you want something to bomb, you know who you gotta come to. You got a star that’s imploding, or no script as you head into production? I’m your guy. If the money’s right, I can even take a sure fire hit and direct it into the dirt. I’ll turn a money making blockbuster into The Green Lantern any day of the week. And those fucking Snyder obsessives know that. To be honest, they’ll hate on anyone that aint Zack, but if they see me, I’m in trouble. So hence the Groucho glasses.

Are You Directing All DCEU Movies From Now On?

Yep. The thing is, they tried your James Wans, Patty Jenkinses and of course Zack Snyders and paid them a shit load of money. But the great thing about me is, I’m cheap as shit. You know exactly what you’re gonna get with me. It’ll be a steaming turd of a film. But then again, most of them have been anyway.

So Warner Bros Know These Films Will Be Bad?

Yeah sure, that’s the beauty of it. If everyone knows it’s gonna be a shit show, we can cut our budget accordingly. We’ll make enough green out of those obsessive Snyderverse cult members who only go to piss their pants on Twitter about how shit it is. But who cares?! We’ll take any dumb motherfucker’s money. And if need be, I’ll have my name removed from the credits.

But Doesn’t Your Name Mean That’s Already Happened?

Eh? What the hell are you talking about?

Alan Smithee Begins Shooting The Green Lantern Vs Brainiac Next Spring

RYAN REYNOLDS RULES OUT DEADPOOL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Ryan Reynolds has today announced that there will not be a Deadpool 2, despite a stunning box office performance by the wise-cracking R-rated superhero last week.

‘No Deadpool 2,’ Ryan Reynolds pronounced clearly on Monday evening to a tired but lucid Studio Exec in the Studio Exec penthouse of the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. No doubt fans will be baffled by this move but Reynolds seemed resolute and gave his reasoning in a way that made it seem that he had thought this out clearly.

What do people like about Deadpool? They like that it is refreshing and R-rated and original. Above all original. No one has done this kind of irreverent take on the superhero genre since Kick-Ass and Kick-Ass 2. There was Super as well, which was brilliant though not many people went to see it. And that one with Woody Harrelson which was pretty much the same idea. I mean if you think about it Guardians of the Galaxy and the first Avengers movie are essentially comedies disguised as Marvel movies. But none of that matters, what I was saying is no one has ever seen anything like Deadpool before. So there’s that. That is the thing that is so good about the film. So what am I going to do? Deadpool 2? NO! That would be BS. And everyone would see it for the chicken shit move it would be. We’re going to keep Deadpool as a unique and wonderful experience. We’re going to respect the integrity of the piece, instead of trying to milk it for dirty dollars, as the quality almost inevitably goes down.

Wow! That’s quite a…

Act of heroic artistic vision? Yes, I know. And I’m not going to pretend it’s going to be easy. I’m sure the studios will be trying to put a lot of pressure on me and the director but we’re solid. This is our decision. I’m only sorry that Stephen Lang is going to be disappointed. He’s a great actor and I’d have loved to have worked with him. Maybe we’ll find something else.

But this is also a sacrifice for you personally. I mean Deadpool is your breakout success. You should really think about doing something else with it.

Don’t worry about old Ryan Reynolds. He’s like a cat. And I don’t mean I can lick my own asshole. I mean I land on my feet all the time. Look at that time you said my eyes were too close together. Did I crumble? No. I went to Mexico and had illegal corrective surgery. As long as Nicolas Sparks is writing novels, I’ll be okay. Who knows? We might even do that Green Lantern sequel everyone has been begging me for.

Deadpool 2 will not be released in 2017.

JOSH TRANK SIGNS ON TO DIRECT GREEN LANTERN 2

HOLLYWOOD – Following the remarkable success of Fox’s Fantastic Four, talented wunderkind Josh Trank has been signed on to direct Green Lantern 2.

The 2011 DC Comic film Green Lantern starred Ryan Reynolds and was directed by Martin Campbell, receiving universal critical acclaim and becoming a box office smash. Talk of a sequel began immediately, but partly because of Ryan Reynolds having scheduling issues and partly due to script issues the sequel seemed to be in an endless delay.

A Warner Bros insider spoke to Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The problem with the Green Lantern was that the original was so good everyone was intimidated. Martin wasn’t interested in coming back. As far as he was concerned, he’d hit a home run so why try again and risk only spoiling his record. Ryan has gone on to Deadpool off the back of his iconic success in the film. But when we all watched the new Fantastic Four we realized that at last here was a director who could do justice to this amazing character.

But surely everyone is saying that Fantastic Four is a disaster?

A disaster. It’s the Fantastic Four for crying out loud. Okay, we all have doubts about this kind of move. When we first saw Chronicle, we thought this guy is out there. Totally not a fit for Green Lantern. But when we saw Fantastic Four it was like someone turned on the lights. Yes. This is it. This is the Green Lantern 2 director.

Ryan Reynolds is unconfirmed as yet in the title role but rumors are that he will be on board.

Green Lantern 2 will be released in 2020.

MARK STRONG: I’M NOT EVIL

HOLLYWOOD – British actor Mark Strong has asserted today that he is ‘not evil’, despite appearing to be evil in such films as The Guard, Kick Ass, Green Lantern, Robin Hood and Sherlock Holmes.

The actor told the Studio Exec:

I admit I have been typecast as a bit of a villain, but I’m a working actor so I take what I can and hopefully as my career progresses I’ll be offered perhaps a more varied selection of roles and people will see what I can really do.

Does it anger you when people confuse with the roles you play?

No, not at all. I think it’s funny. And after people have talked to me for a few minutes, they realize it’s just all part of the job.

But what if people insist that you’re evil, how do you handle that?

There’s nothing to handle. I mean people are really intelligent. 99% of people understand that it’s pretend and they behave accordingly.

What about that 1% though?

Well, it depends.

What do you mean?

Okay if someone doesn’t get it and after I explain time and again, I might lose my temper a little.

You shout at them?

No. What I do is I find out if anyone would miss them. You know if they were to disappear would there be an investigation. How thorough would it be? Do they live in a building, or in a detached lonely location? Somewhere with no security. Once I’ve captured them, I …

Captured them?

Yes. As I was saying once I’ve captured them I take them over to Tom’s place.

Tom?

Tom Hiddleston, he has this hole in his cellar. I mean I say hole, it’s more like a dungeon really. It’s where he puts people who insist on calling him Loki all the time. 

Ah.

Yeah. It was Tom who told me how to capture people.

 I think that’s all we have time for.

Of course he has amazing drainage. And industrial strength acid.

Mark Strong will be appearing in The Imitation Game in 2015.

RYAN REYNOLDS’ EYES ARE ‘TOO CLOSE TOGETHER’

HOLLYWOOD – Today it was revealed that Canadian heart throb and RIPD star Ryan Reynolds had eyes that were ‘too close together’. 

Prof. Paul Gattis – a scientist from NASA – said that it looked as if ‘someone had surgically transplanted a fourteen year old’s face onto the head of a thirty something man. Like in that John Travolta movie. You know the one!’

For years the Green Hornet   Lantern star has been plagued by criticism that his ocular proximity impeded any enjoyment a viewer might take in his films, whereas other’s claimed that it actually served to distract people from the lack of talent when it came to something as basic as line reading. However, the confirmation that Ryan Reynolds’ eyes are too close together will lend weight to other criticisms that ‘he looks funny’ and is ‘creepy.’

However, many leaped to Mr. Ryans’ defence. Milly Arscnit reminded everyone that:

Ryan Reynolds is the best actor Vancouver has ever produced in 1976 who appeared in The Green Hornet.

You mean Lantern.

Whatever.

The Voices will be released in 2014.