CANNES – To say it rained is like saying Hitler enjoyed European travel. I’m saying that to say it rained is an  understatement. I mean it rained a lot more than just saying it rained properly describes. Oh f*ck you. It rained. Cote d’azure my ass. 

There were umbrella vendors doing stiff business outside the Palais, but a word to the wise, they have a special price which is 50% lower than the original and if you say ‘The Exec  sent me’ you get a special 75% discount, so do it.

Still the festival authorities were abiding by the traditional idea of showing the films indoors (except for the screen on the beach, but the traditional idea there is for it to be cancelled.) Gatbsy was exactly what everyone expected. No boos, no cheers, just a deafening m’eh. Heli was the only other film I got to see, a tough Mexican drama with scenes of unflinching cruelty. Alicante is a superb director, who avoids the clichés of social realism and … what the f*ck? You see what happens when you queue next to Peter Bradshaw of the Manchester Guardian.

Last night was also party night, despite the rain and I watched Baz Luhrmann dancing. He’s surprisingly good, given his films are like watching a ‘with it’ uncle dance at your fourteenth birthday party. Tobey Maguire was walking around with a huge grin. Never has so much been earned by someone with so little talent. ‘I can’t believe,’ he said laughing to himself. Nice guy. Joel Edgerton was doing his comedy Australian accent. At least, I think it was supposed to be funny. Maybe he’s preparing for a film role.


Baz Luhrmann’s new epic The Great Gatsby is due out later this year and we’ve got EXCLUSIVE access to the post-production-process, with Jay-Z, the resident composer who along with Huey Lewis (formerly of Huey Lewis and the News) is supervising the soundtrack.

‘We got Spiderman, man, not spidermanman but like Spiderman comma man, dig,’ say-Z Jay-Z. ‘It’s so off the hook, it’s Yah-Yah Biscuits.’
Huey nods vigorously, ‘It’s like when I did “Too Hip to Be Square”, everyone was like this is too much. It’s too Avanty Gurd.’
‘We got the chick from Shameless, An Education, Drive, Never Let Me Go and a million over films and there’s Spidey and the Titanic Gang from New York his good self, Leonardo Da Vinci Code Di Caprio,’ says Jay-Z high fiving me as we walk from the heli-pad. ‘And the Baz-Tard [as he prefers to be know] he’s Mouliny Rougeing the fuck out of this mutha fucker.’
‘Michael J. Fix was like the “Power of Love”, isn’t that too sexually explicit?’ Huey laughs. ‘And I said hell no. It’s all about jizz, but no one will get it.’
‘When we saw the visual-Z the Duhrman was dropping on us, I was like “Woah!” I literally shit my pants,’ Jay-Z snorts.
‘Metaphorically, I think you mean,’ says Huey.
‘No, I sprayed them, babeee!’
We all collapse about laughing our asses off at this beautiful intimacy. ‘So,’ I ask, ‘the idea is that even with the Hip Hop and the CGI and the frenetic editing it keeps true to the spirit of the book?’
Huey and Jay-Z look at each other in a silence that has fallen suddenly.
‘There’s a book?’ they say in unison.