MELBOURNE – Eyes Wide Shut and BMX Bandits star Nicole Kidman has today announced that she will ‘no longer be making good films’.
The Australian superstar told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:
I’ve come to that stage in my career where for every good film I make, there are at least three very poor ones and it only serves to confuse my many fans and/or detractors. Just as they think I’ve come good with a The Hours, or Rabbit Hole, up pops a slew of Grace of Monacos and Australias. It’s exhausting, so from now on I’m going to concentrate my energy on just making completely missable muck and adverts for pongy perfume.
Fans of Miss Kidman greeted the revelation with jubilation.
Jonty Beirs, President of the Nicole Kidman Fan Club, said:
It’s about time she stopped worrying about making those challenging films, the poor lamb. I don’t give a hoot for artist quality or any of that tripe. I just want to see Nicole enjoying herself and relaxing for once. She seems so tense all the time. You just want to see her lit rip, the little darling.
However, some have said that Nicole is set for a resurgence and if that is so the Studio Exec will be the first to happily eat his words with ranch sauce.
Nicole Kidman will next be seen in Paddington.
CANNES – Ah, the Blue Coat, or Cote d’Azur as the locals insist on calling it. No sooner had I arrived at the airport – via Venice (don’t ask, I won’t tell) – than I was assailed by the sight and smell of film journalists. The sun was blazing and the sea was er… blue. Okay, that’s enough color.
Nicole Kidman is in town playing Princess Grace of Monaco, which is a tiny principality about six centimeters to the right of here. At the press conference she was asked a lot of guff about whether or not she would choose ‘Love’ over her career. I wanted to yell listen buddy, when the career includes Invasion and The Stepford Wives… but I’ve found it better to not mention movies around Nicole. Just makes the conversation go a lot easier. Plus Grace Kelly didn’t choose love over her career. She chose a career as a Princess over a career as an actress. Different thing altogether. Assholes talk like she was sitting at home making Ranier (Tim Roth) sandwiches for his lunchbox and ironing the royal undies.
For more of our Cannes coverage, CLICK HERE.
HOLLYWOOD – The New York Times billed it as ‘the prize fight of the princesses’ with Naomi Watts starring as the late Princess of Wales in Diana and Nicole Kidman taking on actress turned royal Grace Kelly in Grace of Monaco.
But apparently the two actresses have put their differences aside and are planning a sequel to rival Batman Vs. Superman: Princess Diana of Monaco.
‘The idea is that these two people exist in the same “Royal Universe” where the same suspension of disbelief and fantastic rules apply,’ said Tom Hooper, the director. He continued, dribbling only slightly:
So the common folk slavishly adore these people who have gained what they have gained merely by marrying very rich men who have gained what they gained merely by fortuitously exiting the correct royal vagina. Of course, in the real world this wouldn’t make sense but here we’re dealing with the height of fictional fantasy.
Naomi Watts commented that ‘There are many similarities in the stories of these women and I’m not just talking about them dying in car crashes.’ ‘They both died in car crashes,’ added Nicole Kidman. ‘That IS really important.’
Princess Diana of Monaco will be released some time in 2014.