HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the luminous Grace Kelly.
The number one rule of this business that I still lovingly call ‘show’ is dignity at all times. Whether one’s helping Richard Burton wipe the vomit from his shoes or lending Ollie Reed a handkerchief in order to wipe his vomit from somebody else’s shoes, one must maintain certain standards.
If Grace Kelly calls you a talentless self-serving ignoramus you rise above it. If she accuses you of being too drunk to remember your lines you ignore her. If she throws an ash-tray at your head you just duck and try your best to continue with the scene.
We were starring together as a husband and wife team of architects in Dial C For Corporate Manslaughter when darling Grace made her feelings for me quite clear. I was obviously smitten with her, and I still like to think that despite her protestations she felt the same.
Unfortunately her husband took an instant dislike to me and in retrospect I can hardly blame him. Some of my language toward him could be described as a little on the coarse side, and challenging him to an arm wrestling competition was not a wise move. He beat me soundly and when I suggested best out of three he had me deported. I thought ‘Prince’ was his first name, but it turns out that Prince Rainier III was in fact his official title, and to this day I am still not welcome in Monaco.
A few months later Lloyd Bridges and I were expelled from Argentina as well, but that’s another story…
HOLLYWOOD – Even in Hollywood where stars shine bright, Death, the Grim Reaper, the stretches his inimitable bony hand. Studio Exec pays his respects to five actors who died (with a list).
1. Oliver Hardy: Hilarious half of comedy duo Laurel and Hardy, Oliver Hardy died.
2. Humphrey Bogart: One of Hollywood’s unlikeliest leading men, Humphrey Bogart initially became famous for his tough guy villains/detectives and only quite late in life proved himself a romantic lead in such instant classics as The Big Sleep and Casablanca. He stretched his acting chops in more unconventional roles like The Caine Mutiny and The Treasure of the Sierra Madre, but it was his iconic heroic figure which will be forever remembered. He died.
3. Audrey Hepburn: She was one of the most beautiful actress to ever grace the screen, with her glowing charm and wit she charmed audiences worldwide, be it as Holly Golightly in Breakfast at Tiffany’s or the Princess Anne in Roman Holiday. Now dead.
4. Grace Kelly: She was the silver screen queen who went on to become a princess, Alfred Hitchcock’s favorite actress and a woman of almost impossible beauty. She is the subject of a new film starring Nicole Kidman. She’ll likely die at the end or the beginning or both. In real life, she died at the end.
5. Bengt Ekerot: The Swedish actor and director was most famous for his role as Death in Ingmar Bergman’s 1957 thriller The Seventh Seal, playing chess on the beach with Max Von Sydow. In 1971 the shoe was on the other foot, however, when he died.
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HOLLYWOOD – The New York Times billed it as ‘the prize fight of the princesses’ with Naomi Watts starring as the late Princess of Wales in Diana and Nicole Kidman taking on actress turned royal Grace Kelly in Grace of Monaco.
But apparently the two actresses have put their differences aside and are planning a sequel to rival Batman Vs. Superman: Princess Diana of Monaco.
‘The idea is that these two people exist in the same “Royal Universe” where the same suspension of disbelief and fantastic rules apply,’ said Tom Hooper, the director. He continued, dribbling only slightly:
So the common folk slavishly adore these people who have gained what they have gained merely by marrying very rich men who have gained what they gained merely by fortuitously exiting the correct royal vagina. Of course, in the real world this wouldn’t make sense but here we’re dealing with the height of fictional fantasy.
Naomi Watts commented that ‘There are many similarities in the stories of these women and I’m not just talking about them dying in car crashes.’ ‘They both died in car crashes,’ added Nicole Kidman. ‘That IS really important.’
Princess Diana of Monaco will be released some time in 2014.
It’s getting to that time of year when I dig out my old Panama hat and head over to France, I think it is for the Cannes Film Festival. I missed the first one when a few drinks on the plane with Lee Marvin led to an emergency landing in Norway and a very ugly scene with Interpol, but I’ve been to every one since and have thoroughly enjoyed myself. The only bit I don’t like is the films, which tend to be quite long and very foreign, but they do give you ample time to sleep off the lunch you enjoyed on some producer’s yacht.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve done my share of those arty pictures, but you do have to learn to talk in subtitles and the director will have a very irritating beard and insist you take your clothes off. It was at Cannes that Prince Rainier III of Monaco beat me 7-4 at table tennis and celebrated by getting married to Grace Kelly. Sadly I couldn’t attend the wedding because I fell in the sea and ruined my suit, but they always sent a card on my birthday.
It was all years ago now of course, but the other day I heard they’ll be turning that very story into a ‘bio pic’, with dear little Eddy Redmayne as yours truly. I doubt if anyone’s told him he’ll have to shave his hair off for the scene where Frank Sinatra had me tarred and feathered for cheating at golf, but he’s a very fine actor and I’m sure he’ll cope admirably.
I do like the bit at the end of the festival when they give out the prizes because it’s a free bar, but you do have to make sure you’re stood upwind of those Eastern European actresses if you know what I mean. Some of them can look a little startling and I do find their tattoos quite intimidating.
Lucille Ball showed me her tattoos once, but that’s another story…