PIRATES AND ALIENS IS GO

HOLLYWOOD – Jon Favreau is to sit in the director’s chair once more for his long awaited follow up to Cowboys and Aliens: Pirates and Aliens.


Working from a script written with Gore Verbinski, the new film will not be a direct follow on from the Harrison Ford/ Daniel Craig genre bender and game changer that came out in 2011 to what was thought at the time to be economically disappointing box office. 

“We were ahead of our time,” explains director Favreau. 

We tried to do too much and people weren’t ready for it, running before we could walk . This time round we’ve shifted the action into the past. We even had Spielberg on board at one point and it was going to be Pirates and Dinosaurs and Aliens but he had to go off and do something else and anyway we don’t want to make the same mistake again. 

Details are at the moment hazy, but it is thought that Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter are both interested in roles. Favreau also commented that he’d like Kevin James, stating, “He’s an actor who will give the film more serious dramatic heft.’ 

Pirates and Aliens is due for release in 2015.   

GRAVITY: REVIEW

VENICE – Buzz Lightyear and that chick from Speed manage somehow to fall off Space.

I’m not sure how they’re doing it, but Alfonso Cuaron has made a 3D film that isn’t shit! It’s a roller-coaster ride, but imagine the roller-coaster was in space and then after a few minutes the roller-coaster started falling apart and exploding and being utterly wrecked and all that. And George Clooney is there to help us out but Miss Congeniality is nowhere near as good an astronaut and we’re flying and we’re drifting and we’re inside the helmet and we’re outside the helmet and it’s all one shot. There’s a bit of philosophical Contact/2001/Solaris guff about is there a God or not, but this film definitely answers NO, because Alfonso Cuaron makes films but once ever blue moon, while Gore Verbinski poops one out every year.

CRITICS’ CONSPIRACY TO DESTROY LONE RANGER REVEALED

DUBLIN –Johnny Depp, Jerry Bruckheimer and Armie Hammer were initially greeted with scorn when they suggested the floppy showing of Gore Verbinski’s The Lone Ranger was the fault of American critics but now the Studio Exec can exclusively reveal a wide ranging conspiracy at the highest level of American criticism which set out explicitly to make the film fail.
Our source A.O. Scott who wishes to remain anonymous said:

We coordinated via email and occasional using something we call ‘text messaging’. It began while the film was in production. During on set reports and interviews, we would talk to the principals and try and get them to make mistakes. I’d talk to Gore and get him to put in loads of really odd tonal shifts. I remember Justin Chang from Variety talking to Johnny Depp, who originally was going to play Tonto very straight, and Chang told him to just do ‘a heap big impression of Jack Sparrow’.  

Once the film had been made, the conspiracy really powered up:

We got Anthony Lane from The New Yorker to stand in front of cinemas dressed like he was an usher (which he isn’t) and he’d tell people if they wanted to go and see The Lone Ranger they’d have to submit to an internal examination  and a cavity search which was like a total lie. Because they didn’t. And he wasn’t even an usher. Plus all the millions of dollars they spent on publicity we basically nullified by drawing cartoon speech bubbles on ever single advert (by hand) with things like ‘Urgh! Who’s farted?’ written in them.  

Justin Chang, Anthony Lane and A.O. Scott were all unavailable for comment despite the fact that we recognised their voices saying ‘We’re unavailable for comment’. Jerry Bruckheimer has said that he will somehow try to console himself over the weekend by counting the millions of dollars he has anyway.

The Lone Ranger 2 will be released in 2015.

THE LONE RANGER: REVIEW


Gore Verbinski has made an exuberantly entertaining comedy Western starring a bravura performance from Johnny Depp, but enough about Rango, what’s The Lone Ranger like?
Well, he took a narrative device from Little Big Man, several scenes, the sound design, the long coats and musical queues from Once Upon A Time in The West, a scene from The Searchers, the desert and parasol from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, some costuming from The Big Country, the ethical argument (but not the ethics) of The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, the villain from a video game, Tim Burton’s wife from Tim Burton, the landscape from John Ford, the doomed Indians from Dances with Wolves, the roller-coaster from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, a reference to Charlie Chaplin, poor Armie Hammer, Hans Zimmer’s the William Tell overture, and has made a theme park blockbuster that looks beautiful but is often both metaphorically and literally a train wreck.  

THE LONE RANGER GETS LAST MINUTE NAME CHANGE



Just as the Disney presented, Jeremy Bruckheimer produced, Gore Verbinski directed, and Johnny Depp and someone else starring film The Lone Ranger heaves into view, crying “Hi-Ho-Silver, Away!”, news has arrived of a radical rethink of the film and how it’s going to be marketed.

“We’re changing the title,” screamed Verbinski down the phone. 

We were at a preview screening and one of the actors, I forget the guy’s name, tall, wears a mask, the one who isn’t Johnny… Anyway, he says, “The Lone Ranger? Why is he the Lone Ranger if he has a friend? I mean isn’t that a bit racist. Like, not counting Tonto as his friend.” And we all looked around aghast. “Who is this guy?” Jerry asked.

The film makers desperately grappled with some alternative ideas. 

First, it’s like The Ranger, then Johnny comes up with Tonto (which I really liked), then Jerry wanted to add the word ‘Caribbean’ for some reason. So we settled with The Ranger of the Caribbean and Tonto, but then the big guy … what the hell’s his name? Has a tool name… oh yeah Armie Adjustable Wrench. Or something. Anyway he says it’s ridiculous adding Tonto like that just as a way of getting everyone to come to the film to see Johnny. And reluctantly, we see that he’s right.

Tonto and the Ranger of the Caribbean will be opening opposite Some Other Films sometime in August. 

ARMIE HAMMER ARRESTED IN PLOT TO KILL JOHNNY DEPP

Poster thief

COLORADO – The showbiz world was reeling tonight when police unveiled an attempted murder of Johnny Depp by his erstwhile Lone Ranger co-star Armie Hammer

“I’m not the co-star,” Hammer yelled as he was shoved into a police car. “I’m the star!”


Hammer immediately confessed under police questioning after he was found loitering outside Johnny Depp’s Colorado ranch with a crossbow and expensive photographic equipment. Apparently the Social Network co-stars had been infuriated by Depp’s appearance in the publicity material accompanying the release of The Lone Ranger.

“It’s called The Lone Ranger,” Hammer reasoned. “It’s not called Tonto.” Hammer apparently was set to kill Depp and then make a poster of his crime.

Also arrested were Orlando Bloom and Mia Wasikowska. The famously foul-mouthed Ms. Wasikowska complained bitterly, “I was fucking Alice and the film was called Alice in Wonderland, but who gets on the poster: that asshole, lick-ass piece of shit, Depp.”

And another
Johnny Depp hatching plans


Bloom believed he was to be the star of Pirates of the Caribbean only to be told in no uncertain terms by Depp, “They all think that. And then by the fourth film, boom. You’re toast.”

Bloom was released as – even though he was found at the scene and had given a full and frank confession – the police chief said, “He just wasn’t convincing.”

CANNES LINE UP INCLUDES MICHAEL BAY AND EMMERICH

PARIS – At midday today in Paris, the line up for the 66th Cannes Film Festival was announced and there were some genuine surprises among the films battling it out on the Croisette.

The inclusion of such American blockbusting directors as Michael Bay, Roland Emmerich and Gore Verbinski will raise a few Gallic eyebrows. Not to mention comedy kings, Frank Coraci and Shawn Levy muscling their way towards the Palme d’Or. 
Click down to read the full list.

IN COMPETITION

Opening Film
Baz LUHRMANN
THE OKAY-ISH GATSBY (H.C.)
1h45
***
Michael  BAY
PAIN AND GAIN
1h44
Frank CORACI
UNTITLED ADAM SANDLER
1h45
Paul FIEG
THE HEAT
2h05
Roland EMMERICH
WHITE HOUSE DOWN
2h
Amat ESCALANTE
WON’T WIN
1h45
Asghar FARHADI
LE PASSÉ (TRANSLATORS DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH)
2h10
James GRAY
THE IMMIGRANT
2h
Mahamat-Saleh HAROUN
GRIGRIS
1h40
JIA Zhangke
TIAN ZHU DING
(I FART IN YOUR MOUTH)
2h15
KORE-EDA Hirokazu
SOSHITE CHICHI NI NARU
(SEE WHAT I CAN DO?)
2h
Shawn LEVY
THE INTERNSHIP
3h07
Takashi MIIKE
WARA NO TATE
(4TH FILM THIS YEAR)
2h05
François OZON
JEUNE ET FRENCHIE
1h30
Alexander PAYNE
NOT AS GOOD AS ELECTION
1h50
Roman POLANSKI
WHAT IS YOUR EXTRADITION POLICY?
1h30
Steven SODERBERGH
LAST FILM EVER (I PROMISE)
1h58
Paolo SORRENTINO
LA GRANDE BELLEZZA
(WE WANT MORE MONEY)
2h30
Gore VERBINSKI
THE LONE RANGER
1h58