WERNER HERZOG’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTION

In which our Austrian contributor Werner Herzog sees out the old year and rings in the new.

The waxy corpse of 2014 is already a clammy cold thing, its stillness the most ghastly attribute. The deceased was many things – confusing, aggravating and bloody with murder – but it was also thrillingly active and to see her lying there now, all laid out, surrounded by yesterday’s bottles of booze and little bowls full of Bombay mix and stale humus is more than I can bare. So I turn my gaze steadfastly to the future and regard with a steely Bavarian glare the prospect of 2015 and what delights and horrors might await, a promise that sounds like a threat.

But how am I to approach this year? How can I avoid repeating my mistakes, or if I am to repeat them, is there anyway Nicolas Cage might be persuaded once more to appear in it?

My first resolution is to watch less films. Aside from my own films, which I perforce must watch in order to edit and to make decisions on the soundtrack etc, I watch a total of three films a year. In 2015 this will be cut to one. I am very much looking forward to Star Wars: The Force Awakens and so I imagine that will be the film I see in 2015.

My second resolution is to try in someway, anyway I can, to destroy Ridley Scott. Although I’ve never seen his films, I can tell from the posters that he is more than a suitable nemesis for me, representing the polar opposite to my ethos and methodology. Exodus: Gods and Kings will probably be his undoing and it was I who advised him to do it. I told him at a restaurant in the South of France, ‘Do a Bible film, Ridley. It’s what the kids are “into”.’ He rejected my script for Leviticus, deciding in his infinite wisdom to say that the foundation of three world religions, the Old Testament book Exodus can only be rewritten by the man who brought us Tom Cruise as a Samurai.

My third and final resolution is to enter the cooking competition Masterchef. I do not wish to win, nor progress. I do want to be judged and judged harshly. Preferably by Gordon Ramsey. I will squirm beneath his tongue lashing.

All that remains is to wish you all the best of luck in this New Year. As Prince so presciently wrote, ‘we are going to party like it’s 1999!’

For more wisdom from Werner Herzog, Click Here.

INTERSTELLAR: FIRST REACTIONS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the first screenings of Christopher Nolan’s new science fiction epic Interstellar the first reactions from the internet are in and we have collected them.

Generally speaking the reaction from the celebrities who have seen the film have been overwhelmingly positive. For example, Gordon Ramsey tweeted ‘F*cking great f*cking science f*cking fiction film, Chris!’ and Fox News’ Doctor Manny tweeted ‘Interstellar cures cancer AND herpes’.

Here are some other responses gathered EXCLUSIVELY by the Studio Exec:

Christopher Nolan’s new film Interstellar was so good it made me want to JUMP!

Dave Lee Roth

WTF! Casey Affleck is in  this? When did that happen?

Ben Affleck

One of the funniest films I have ever seen. Nolan is a master.

Adam Sandler

Interstellar is a deeply religious film. Truly spiritual and Christopher Nolan must be applauded for actually spending so much time in space to make this.

Sarah Palin

Interstellar sh*ts on Gravity. From a height!

NASA

Matthew McConaughey is awful. Embarrassing really.

Woody Harrelson

I should have used more tuba.

Hans Zimmer

Good to see it done well and not have to think about Ghostbusters 3. Which will be out in 2016.

Dan Aykroyd

Okay Chris. I give up. You’ve got the job.

God

NIGELLA LAWSON USED DRUGS IN HER RECIPES

 LONDON – The wonderful world of kitchens was rocked today by the news that celebrity chef, broadcaster and writer Nigella Lawson allegedly used drugs in some of her most popular recipes.

Close personal friend and Celebrity Chef watcher, Morris Pantalon stated that, in the cooking world, using illegal drugs as ingredients was an open secret:

I remember when I first tasted her mushroom risotto. I said, ‘Wow, Nigella! This is magical.’ Little did I know the mushrooms actually were magic and I would spend the next seven hours trying to fly the hallway rug out of the house and into inner space.

An insider from Nigella’s publishing house who did not wish to be named remarked on how earlier drafts of her books were much more explicit about what came to be known as ‘special ingredients’. 

In How to be a Domestic Goddess there was a chapter called ‘A Little bit of TLC starts with a little bit of LSD’. In fact the title came from the idea that your guests, or hubby, or whoever would hallucinate and so you could convince them you were an Aztec Goddess. In Nigella Express all the cupcakes were sprinkled with cocaine and the blue icing was a special form of crystal meth that she picked up from somewhere in New Mexico. We changed the wording to make it less explicit but everyone knew.

Also, many celebrity cooks have rallied to Nigella’s side. Gordon Ramsey issued a carefully worded statement, saying: ‘It was f*cking c***ish f*ck faced t*t w*nker c*nt *rse, obviously.’ And Jamie Oliver tweeted the whole thing was ‘Wicked’, but we’re not sure what idiom he intended or if he indeed had understood the situation. 

Nigella’s Munchies will be available in time for Xmas.