MATT DAMON STOPPED SHITTING IN PUBLIC

BREAKING NEWS – Matt Damon stopped shitting in public when his daughter told him to.

After his daughter told him shitting in the streets was not the done thing, Matt Damon has recently stopped defecating in public. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Matt sat down to explain why he no longer drops the kids off kerbside.

 

So Matt, we understand your daughter has been educating you?

Yeah. Can you believe it? First she told me I can’t use the F word anymore because it’s ‘homophobic’ and then she says I can’t shit in the streets anymore. I mean, what the fuck?

 


I’m pretty sure Matt Damon or anyone shouldn’t be shitting in public anywhere.

Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? What a pity. I love nothing more than dropping my pants and letting nature take over wherever the hell I am. George and Brad swear by it. They’ll tell you themselves, it’s helped make their careers. And it sure as shit made mine.

 


How the hell can taking a dump in public be good for your career?

It’s a real power move. I was once negotiating with Scorsese over my fee for The Departed. His people did not want to budge on the numbers. So I said, ‘Let’s go for a walk’. As soon as we were out on the streets in Bel Air, I dropped my pants and BOOM! I shat all over the sidewalk as I looked them in the eye. I got 5 points on the back end. And they got my back end right there in front of them.

 


Jesus.

You said it man. How do you think I keep getting all these lead roles? Talent? Hah! No way. Everyone is literally shit-scared of me. How do you like them brown apples? Good Will Dumping, hah!

 

Stillwater is currently in theatres.

JESSE PLEMONS ON BOARD FOR GOOD MATT DAMON HUNTING

HOLLYWOOD – Friday Night Lights and Breaking Bad star Jesse Plemons has signed on to play Matt Damon.

Jesse Plemons to star in the upcoming Gus Van Sant film Good Matt Damon Hunting, documenting the behind the scenes tensions which launched Matt Damon’s career.

Plemons spoke of his approach to the role EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec:

Throughout my career people have said to me that I resemble Damon. Add to this the fact I’ve studied Damon. I watch what he does in Ocean’s 13 and I take notes. I study The Informant! and he blows me away. So to go back to where it all began is almost like an actor’s pilgrimage for me. 

Gus Van Sant, who directed the 1997 drama from a script by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, commented:

My career has always been one for the studio, one for me. Good Will Hunting despite being my most critically and commercially successful film was for the studio. And so is this one. 

What insight can we expect to see into the making of a modern day classic?

 None. None whatsoever. What insight did you want?

Kenneth Branagh will be play the role of Robin Williams and Chris Pine is currently in talks to take on the Ben Affleck role, scotching rumors that Affleck would appear as himself following huge internet backlash.

Good Matt Damon Hunting will be released in 2020.   

BEN AFFLECK RETIRES AS AN ACTOR TO CONCENTRATE ON BEING A MEME

HOLLYWOOD – Actor and film director Ben Affleck announced today that he was giving up acting and directing in order to pursue an alternate career as an internet meme.

Argo director and Batman v Superman star, Ben Affleck today announced his retirement from the movie business so that he can concentrate fully on being an internet meme. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Ben had this to say:

It’s f*cking crazy man. I spent years putting together Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon. Writing the script, going to meetings. Years. And the same with Argo. It took so much time. And even the acting jobs look easy but the mornings are early, the nights are late, it’s difficult and Zach Snyder shouts in your ear hole all the time. Making Batman v Superman, I had months of washing Snyder’s spittle out of my f*cking hair. It’s f*cking disgusting. And then every dip sh*t with a blog just pisses on you and sh*ts on you from a height. So what’s the f*cking point?

I don’t….

Yeah, exactly. Stupid ass biscuits! And then something odd happened. All of a sudden everyone was talking about me and sharing videos of me. It’s called a mem Exec. A f*cking meme. All I have to do is look sad during some interview and all of a sudden boom. I’m everywhere. No work, literally zero.

So that interview with Bill Simmons…?

Goddamned right. That’s gonna be a meme too, you see! It’ll be all over the place. And you want to know an advantage of that.

What?

You can do it drunk.

That’s great.

F*cking A!

Ben Affleck will next be seen in Ben Affleck Walks Around a Park without Trousers.

BEN AFFLECK’S BEST ACTING BEARD ESCAPES

BOSTON – Today Ben Affleck tearfully told reporters that his best acting beard used in Argo and at the end of The Town has escaped.
The Beard made a bid for freedom while Ben Affleck had hung it out to dry having washed it in a preparation of high tension honey and ham juice. ‘It’s what gives it that special sheen,’ the dumb one from Good Will Hunting (as he prefers to be known) said. ‘I had that beard from when it was a mere ‘tash when I was in Shakespeare in Love.’
Mr. Affleck’s new film Argo has been praised for its excellent beard-age and was in line to win recognition from the Academy, with some even proposing that the beard should get a separate category.
‘That performance is 16% Affleck and 97% beard,’ said John J. Mackaloid of the Association of Numeracy Illiterates.
A reward of $27 has been offered for anyone with information leading to the recovery of the beard.