PETER JACKSON WAKES UP AND REMEMBERS HE’S GOT A TINTIN FILM TO MAKE

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson – director of King Kong, The Lovely Bones and the entire contents of JRR Tolkien’s head – awoke in a cold sweat with the realization he still has a Tintin movie to make.

Peter Jackson turned to his wife (Fran Walsh or Philippa Boyens I can never remember) and gasped. ‘Shit, I’ve just remembered I promised Steven Spielberg I’d direct the second Tintin film.’

Jackson told reporters:

My wife mumbled something like “Go back to sleep, you can do it in the morning.” To be honest I don’t think she was really awake. But I couldn’t go back to sleep. How was I going to find out what my deadline with Steven was without letting him know that I’d forgotten all about it.

Fortunately, Jackson’s muse and house boy Andy Serkis was awake in the garage. ‘It looked like he was trying to get out off a glass box, which confused me,’ said Jackson. ‘There isn’t a glass box in the garage. And then I realized, it was his physical theater that had created the illusion.’ 

Jackson explained his problem to Serkis and the Gollum star was already half into his motion capture suit.

Serkis said:

I must obey Peter. He has my children.

The two men started to work and by ten o’clock when Jackson’s wife finally emerged from her slumber, they had the first two acts in pre-visualized: ‘Only seven more to go,’ said a clearly relieved Jackson.

Tintin and the Something Something will be out in 2022.

VENICE FILM FESTIVAL TO OPEN WITH GOLLUM

VENICE – The 75th International Venice Film Festival will open with a showing of Gollum, featuring Andy Serkis.

Venice Film Festival will open with a remastered version of the film Gollum, starring Andy Serkis. Based on the popular fantasy character from Lord of the Rings, Gollum will show at the Sala Darsena on the Lido as a special pre-opening event. Directed by Paul Wegener in 1920, the film is in black and white and is silent. Music will be provided by Admir Shkurtaj.

We caught up with Andy Serkis to ask him about the news. He had this to say:

I think you’re mistaken. They’re showing Golem. It’s a different film.

Are you happy to be there?

I would be, but I don’t think I’ve got an invite. You see it isn’t the same film. It has a different title. And spelling. And it was filmed in 1920.

When you were very young. Was this your first role?

I wasn’t even born.

Say ‘My precioussssss’.

No. NO, Goddamn it!

I’ll give you a fish. 

My precioussssss.

The Venice Film Festival starts on the 27th of August.

HOBBIT HIT BY AUSTERITY MEASURES

WELLINGTON – Peter Jackson’s new Hobbit films have been hit by the economic crisis and have had to make cuts which are already evident from the trailers.

Expensive CGI special effects have been replaced by lumpy cartoons, sock puppets and the dwarves and hobbits have all been magically reduced in size by brutal medieval ‘aesthetic amputation’ methods.

Fran Walsh – Hobbit and Lord of the Rings screenwriter – moans: ‘Oh Jeez, we’ve had to cut so many corners. We employ children and we pay them in sweets. And we can’t afford Sir Ian McKellen so we’ve just re-cut some out takes and we’re trying to slot them in.’
Concerns over safety issues were raised however when Martin Freeman who plays Bilbo was rushed to hospital after falling over in a suit made entirely of mirrors, cutting himself badly. ‘That was the invisibility special effect,’ Freeman said, weeping piteously like a little girl. ‘I think I killed Gollum.’
Instead of the convoluted process of creating via a combination of CGI and motion capture, Gollum will be played by an unusually large frog that Peter Jackson has been stretching with his own hands.