JAMES FRANCO BURIES TOMMY WISEAU IN AN UNMARKED GRAVE

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco has admitted to burying Tommy Wiseau in an unmarked grave.

Following his best actor victory at the Golden Globes, James Franco took the inspiration for The Disaster Artist Tommy Wiseau to an undisclosed location and buried him in an unmarked grave. It is unclear whether Wiseau was alive when he was buried. Franco spoke to journalists at an after party and brushing the desert sand from his trousers, defended his actions:

Tommy directed one of the worst films ever made. The Room. But he soon became the inspiration for a wonderful film and performance by me. James Franco. And his brother David Franco and Seth Rogan and you know the rest. So Tommy has more than served his purpose. It became clear however that Tommy is not content with serving as my inspiration and now he actually wants to speak to people and I just couldn’t let that happen.

But why kill him?

I didn’t say I killed him. No one said I killed him. did you hear me say I killed him?

No. 

Okay then.

But you buried him.

I did. I buried him in an unmarked grave so you’ll never find him.

So he’ll be dead. 

It’s possible.

What’s your next film going to be?

I want to make a film about Jim Carrey making the documentary Jim and Andy about Jim Carrey playing Andy Kaufman in Man in the Moon.

James and Jim and Andy will be released in 2019.

THE GOLDEN GLOBES TO BE HELD IN TOTAL SILENCE

HOLLYWOOD – The 75th Golden Globes awards will be held in total silence.

Tonight the 75th Golden Globes takes place at the Beverly Hills Hilton in Hollywood. Hosted by Seth Meyers, many have wondered what the ceremony will do to reflect the post-Weinstein world and the growth of the #MeToo movement which has shaken Hollywood. Already many of the participants have pledged to wear black to show solidarity for victims of sexual harassment, but the organisers have decided to go one step further and present the whole awards ceremony in silence.

A spokesperson for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association told the Studio Exec:

To begin with we thought we’d have a minute’s silence. But then we asked why a minute? It seems so arbitrary. So we decided that the whole show will be held entirely in silence.

Wow.

We talked to Seth Meyers and at first we were nervous about how he would feel, but it turns out he’s a huge fan of Buster Keaton. He said he’d be happy to do the whole thing in silence.

It’ll be different.

It will be.

How are you going to do the announcement of the winners?

With title cards.

The Golden Globes screens this evening.

MERYL STREEP IS OVERRATED

HOLLYWOOD – Today it was confirmed that Meryl Streep is overrated.

Oscar winning actress Meryl Streep is overrated, it has been found. The Sophie’s Choice, Silkwood and Kramer vs Kramer star is now being pressured to hand back her Oscar and apologize to everyone for liking her. Ben Affleck told Jimmy Kimmel last night about his own disappointment:

I always rated Meryl Streep very highly but now I feel like a fool. It’s almost as if she was just acting like a good actress.

Top film critic Leonard Shrub said:

This is another case of populism trumping elite people who think they’re better because they know stuff. I mean, come on, she was terrible in The Deer Hunter and The French Lieutenant’s Woman. I mean, I thought she was good, but then again I thought Donald Trump would never win the election so what do I know.

Mama Mia is still awful though.

NO COMEDY: GOLDEN GLOBES BREAK WITH TRADITION

HOLLYWOOD – The Golden Globes are to break with tradition tonight by eschewing the comedy host.

Instead of the usual comic host, Jimmy Fallon will emcee with his tired sycophancy and slappable ass-face. Fallon spoke with the Studio Exec:

2017 is a strange year. After 2016. I can’t believe I tousled that Nazi’s hair and now everyone thinks I’m in dutch with the orange asshole. This thing isn’t on, is it?

No.

So anyhow, the organizers thought we’d go with a somber thing. Dirge like. This whole mess is no laughing matter. And that’s where I come in.

The Golden Globes are on tonight.

CORRECTION: GOLDEN GLOBES NOT JENNIFER LOPEZ’S KNOCKERS

HOLLYWOOD – Jeremy Renner has confirmed that the Golden Globes are not actually Jennifer Lopez front love cushions.

In 2015, Jeremy Renner referred to Jennifer Lopez’s love bumps as the Golden Globes during the 2015 Golden Globe Awards. The statement came as part of a ‘joke’ but confusion reigned for years. However, finally the Hurt Locker – as he prefers to be known – has cleared up the issues:

The Golden Globes are actually a series of awards. Nothing to do with Jennifer Lopez’s mammary glands. I was joshing and misspoke. I’m sorry for all the worry. Especially to Ms. Lopez and her gilded protrub … oh there I go again.

The Golden Globes are on television somewhere.

5 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sent in the world famous FACT squad to find out exactly what the Golden Globes taught us about everything.

1. George Clooney went and got married when no one was looking. The world’s most famous bachelor tied the knot with some civil rights lawyer or other sometime in the last year, probably during some kind of secret ceremony.

2. Bill Cosby is easier to joke about than Woody Allen, because everyone is pretty sure he did it. Whereas last year’s Cecil B. DeMille recipient Woody Allen was sniped at via social media by Mia Farrow et al, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had a couple of rapey jokes which even Ricky Gervais wouldn’t have got away with.

3. Pompeii might not be such a run in for the best picture nomination as previously predicted.

4. Jeremy Renner is in line for Andrew Dice Clay’s crown as stand up comedian of risque material, with his ‘Look at the Golden Globes on you’ hilarious rib-tickler which he slotted in Jennifer Lopez’s direction, who – it turns out – has breasts. You see it’s funny because it’s true. Hmmmm. That one should have stayed in the Joke Locker.

5. Hollywood can take a joke. Except for Emma Stone, who seemed to be quite pissed at being referred to as a Big Eyes painting. And Wes Anderson who rolled his eyes at a riff on his whimsy. And Oprah Winfrey who didn’t seem to get the irony of Tina Fey. And Jeremy Renner can’t tell a joke, who isn’t, to be fair, funny.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

POMPEII SNUBBED AT GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – Paul Thomas Anderson might have scored hits with There Will Be Blood and Magnolia but his latest film Pompeii was roundly snubbed by the Golden Globes where it failed to pick up a single award.

The washout will undoubtedly dent its current status as an Oscar front-runner (Click Here for more on that story), calling into question the widely heard rumor that it might take home a record breaking 14 Oscars, beating Peter Jackson’s slightly inferior Return of the King.

Awards commentator Dulex DeBrav spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

There are certain awards that I think Pompeii missed out on because of the peculiar category divisions in the Globes. For instance, Kit Harrington didn’t even get a nomination, perhaps because the category is divided between Best Actor (Drama) and Best Actor (Comedy or a Musical). Now is Pompeii a drama, or a comedy? It really depends on where you’re sitting. And perhaps more importantly, is Kit Harrington really an actor? I don’t know.

You know nuthin, Jon Snow.

Yeah, that’s f*cking hilarious.

Sorry.

Also you have to realize that these awards ceremonies are intensely political and you have to canvas. But with Paul Thomas Anderson working so hard he also directed Inherent Vice this year, there’s a case for saying he might have dropped the ball and neglected to do the schmoozing that I’m afraid is necessary.

Pompeii wasn’t the only upset. A Million Ways to Die in the West failed to glean anything and The Interview despite a staunch internet campaign by North Korea to bring the movie to the attention of voters also left empty handed. George Clooney produced gasps in his acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award, when he failed to announce his candidacy for the US Presidential elections, making it the seventh year in a row in which he has omitted to do so.

The Golden Globes will be back again in 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – It’s The Golden Globes this Sunday and so the Studio Exec FACT squad has kicked into gear to issue you with five FACTS about the mysterious and little known award ceremony and what it means for you.

1. No one gives a shit about The Golden Globes.

2. The name for the Golden Globes was originally taken from the first draft of Russ Meyer’s unmade James Bond film. In the film, 007 does combat with a villain who is endowed with a massive pair of Golden Testicles. This was changed to a penis and from thence to a finger. Mike Myers later claimed that one of his films was inspired by Meyers’ unmade masterpiece. Which one? That’s right, Wayne’s World

3. Kevin James has never won a Golden Globe. Or an Oscar. But he will win both. And when he does the seventh seal will be broken.

4. When Ricky Gervais hosted the Golden Globes there was a distinct danger they could become entertaining. Thankfully, he has since been removed.

 5. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association pretend to host the Golden Globes, but really the Globes are run by a Masonic Cult with connections to a British Actor’s Ex-Pat club popularly known as the Jolly Bastards. The Jolly Bastards have allegedly committed a series of crimes – including murder, abduction, drug smuggling and animal cruelty – though no charges have ever been leveled because of their sophisticated accents and dry self-deprecating sense of humor. Hugh Laurie is the present president and denies everything glibly.  

 The Golden Globes will be broadcasting live at 5 pm PT and 8pm ET on NBC.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE EMMYS

HOLLYWOOD – It is very difficult to understand everything, what with complexity and nuance and the enduring popularity of Kevin James movies. So the Studio Exec FACT Squad gives you five FACTS that you can take to the FACT bank. The Emmys.

  1. The Emmys are similar to the Oscars and the Golden Globes, because they have an s at the end, but different because instead of rewarding excellence in the film industry or portraying someone dying of Aids, they reward excellence in the television industry, or portraying someone dying of Aids.
  2. The name Emmy comes from Immy which in turn is short for Image Orthicon Tube. Or it’s the nickname Syd Cassyd had for his wife’s vagina. One of the two.
  3. The most awarded show for the Emmys was Knots Landing and the most awarded individual William Devane who won seventeen Emmys, but none – ironically – for Knots Landing.
  4. In order to promote a new sense of seriousness the Emmys for the first time in years will be presented by a none comedian. Jimmy Fallon has been chosen to provide the required sobriety.
  5. The first Emmy ever given was to Germany for its coverage of the Olympic games in 1936.

FACTS FACTS and some more FACTS can be found elsewhere on www.thestudioexec.com which is basically here.

THE GOLDEN GLOBES TELL THE OSCARS TO GO F*CK THEMSELVES

HOLLYWOOD – In what was a stunning turn of events, a drunken Golden Globes turned up outside the Dolby Theater in the early hours of this morning shouting that the Oscars ‘can go f*ck themselves and the horse they rode in on.’

A clearly inebriated Tina Fey and Amy Poehler joined in the heckling and bad behavior, and, in outlandish scenes, started to throw their shoes at the theater. The Oscars – accompanied by a distraught looking Ellen DeGeneres – appeared at a window and called down that the Golden Globes should perhaps calm down and go home, if they know what’s good for them. The Globes replied, ‘Are you threatening us?’ and began to urinate on the steps outside the theater goaded on by Poehler and Fey, at which point the Oscars told Ellen to call 911.
However, officers called to the scene found an emotional Globes telling Ellen how much they love her, and peace once more restored. No charges were pressed. 

This incident is only the latest in an on-going feud between the two awards ceremonies which dates back to 1964 and what was called the Cleopatra fracas. On one occasion – in 1972 – the Golden Globes ordered five tons of horse manure  to be delivered to the then Kodak Theater during the ceremony, an act of vandalism defused by host David Niven’s wonderfully witty line ‘That’s a lot of dung!’ On another and partly in retaliation, the Golden Globes was disrupted by Ricky Gervais who impersonated a host for two years running at the instigation of the Academy Awards. 

The Golden Globes are currently sleeping it off.
  

GOLDEN GLOBES: THE INTERNSHIP BRUTALLY IGNORED

HOLLYWOOD – As the Golden Globes 2014 come to an end, shocked faces were evident everywhere. Victory speeches seemed subdued; champagne was glugged in thirsty desperation rather then sipped; laughter was hysterical and shrieking. The elephant in the room was the total lack of nominations and therefore awards for Shawn Levy’s The Internship.

The knockabout 40 something comedy epic stars modern day Laurel and Hardy Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, playing two hapless salesmen who managed to wangle an internship at an unnamed internet company called Google. Theories were rife about why it slipped through the nomination net. Industry watcher Xavier Poulis commented:

Jealousy, envy and the sense that the film was so big, so important that awards would actually in some way belittle it, trivialize what was the Zeitgeist moment of 2013. 

Owen Wilson speaking from his Malibu home in Malibu was philosophical:

I think it was Kierkegaard who once said ‘You don’t win awards for crowd pleasing comedies about internet companies starring two of the most loveable rogues who were in The Wedding Crashers‘. It was in Fear and Trembling, or the Concept of Anxiety. Either/Or. Anyway since the disappointment a few years back with Marley and Me, I don’t even go to these things any more. 

Some laid the blame squarely at the feet of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association but spokesperson Jonathan Bowels said:

The problems were manifold and specific with The Internship. It wasn’t strictly speaking a drama and yet at the same time as a comedy it seemed too important to pigeon hole it just as that. As for the lack of actor’s nods for Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, I believe no one could decide between them and so went for their third choices.

 On an interesting side note if you google ‘Golden Globes The Internship’ you just come up with page after page of high definition images of dog turd.

Owen Wilson’s next film Søren and Me will be out in 2015.