Gladiator Archives -

GLADIATOR 2 WILL INCLUDE XENOMORPH

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott announces Gladiator 2 will feature Xenomorph from the Alien series.

Everyone loved it when they heard that Ridley Scott is making Gladiator 2. He spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the new film:

Yeah, of course we’re going to bring Russell Crowe back from the dead. He’s going to play Maximus’ twin brother Randy. He’s a lot different from Maximus but he’ll train up because Rome is threatened and we must defend it.

Threatened? By what?

Aliens!

Fuck!

I know. You see one of the reasons I felt reluctant to go back to Ancient Rome is I had decided that I was only going to make films with xenomorphs in them. Prometheus and Alien and all that. Then someone said well why can’t there be Xenomorphs in Rome and then Randy will fight them in the Colluseum? And I said, I like it! And I snapped my fingers. Which is something I only do when it’s a really good idea. Like White Squall. Or GI Jane or something.

What about Nick Cave’s script?

Yeah we wanted to use that but there was one problem.

What was it?

It was shit. The whole thing rhymed. And it would have bits saying Guitar solo and stuff like that.

Gladiator 2: Resurrection comes out in 2020.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

RUSSELL CROWE TO PLAY STEVE BANNON

HOLLYWOOD – Russell Crowe is to play Steve Bannon in Single White Douche.

Gladiator star Russell Crowe plays former Breitbart editor in a new Michael Mann film, Single White Douche. Mann told the Studio Exec:

It was easy really. Steve’s a douche and Russell certainly has his inner douche. It’s going to be a comedy. We’re shooting in Moscow and Washington. It’s very exciting.

Russell Crowe has already begun preparations, eating a diet consisting only of KFC buckets. Not the chicken, just the buckets. Crowe told us:

I’m reading a lot of his writing as well as his influences. Ayn Rand, Neitszche, Mein Kampf. Steve is a fascinatingly complex guy. Sean Penn introduced us once. But I’m happy to say I was so drunk I don’t remember much. I’ve worked with Michael before with The Insider, so I know that his instincts are sound. He described the film to me as an Adam Sandler comedy, if Adam Sandler comedies were actually funny.

Single White Douche will be released in 2019.

JOAQUIN PHOENIX EMPLOYS THE METHOD TO PLAY JESUS

HOLLYWOOD – Gladiator and Walk the Line star Joaquin Phoenix is to play Jesus in Garth Davis’ Mary Magdalene and he will be employed his notorious method.

He was an emperor of Ancient Rome; a country singer in Walk the Line and a burn out in I’m Still Here, now Joaquin Phoenix will play Jesus Christ in a new film Mary Magdalene, starring Rooney Mara in the titular role. The normally reclusive Phoenix spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I love the idea of playing Jesus Christ. If you watch The Master you can see how interested I am in people inventing religions and Jesus Christ has to be in the top three of that game.

How will you approach the role?

Oh I’m going full method for this man. I know there are so many people out there who would be upset if I did anything less. Jesus is a very real part of millions of people’s lives and so I will give them the most authentic portrayal of Jesus ever put on the screen. I’ve already begun.

How do you mean?

Last night, I went to this party and I totally brought the wine.

Okay.

I’ve been spending a lot of time in the desert. Not exactly forty days and forty nights, but I’m working up to it. I’ve been antagonizing the Italian community and the Jewish elders with some pretty radical online posts on my blog ‘I’m Back’.

Oh that’s you.

Yep. I’ve got a girl who comes round to my house and gives me a whipping every week. I’m hanging out with a bunch of dudes. Casey Affleck, Russell Crowe, all those guys, twelve of them. I’ve been forgiving adulterous women left right and center. And I’m going to get myself killed and then revived after a biblical accurate interval.

Whoa! How are you going to do that?

There’s this company in Mexico.

The film’s production company See-Saw Films, which is teaming with Universal Pictures Intl. Iain Canning and Emile Sherman are producing along with Film4, from a script by Helen Edmundson and Philippa Goslett.

Mary Magdalene will be released in 2017.

JAMES CAMERON TO DIRECT GLADIATOR SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Once more James Cameron is to take over the reins of a Ridley Scott film as he prepares to shoot the Gladiator sequel.

Following close on the news that James Cameron is to direct the sequel of Prometheus came the revelation that he is also prepping a sequel to the Russell Crowe sword and sandal epic Gladiator. Gladiators will be set ten years after the events of the first film. The official synopsis reads:

Maximus Decimus Meridius is dead but not forgotten. The people of Rome have elevated him to the status of a demi-God and a symbol of freedom. Lucilla mourns her dead lover and her son, the new emperor, Lucius Verus, now known as Optimus, believes he is the model of manhood. When Rome is threatened by an invasion of Vandals and Goths from the North, Emperor Optimus with the help of the High Priest of the Temple and necromancer decide to raise Maximus from the dead to lead their armies. Unfortunately, they are too late and the Barbarians are already at the gates of Rome. Killed halfway through the ceremony, the priest manages to complete the incantation and as the invaders celebrate their victory a hoard of Maximuses are brought to life. Will they be able to free Rome and free the imprisoned Lucilla and Emperor Optimus or are they doomed to fight in the Coliseum for the entertainment of Rome’s new Masters?

James Cameron popped into the Studio Exec bungalow to talk about his new film.

I’m looking forward to it. I am putting Avatar on hold to do this and Prometheuses but I believe both films will extend much loved universes and I am confident, following my success with Aliens, that everyone will be happy.

What is it with Ridley Scott’s films in particular?

It’s like this. I consider Aliens to be my first big break. Terminator was a success, but I don’t know if I would have got Terminator 2: Judgement Day without Aliens. So I have a lot of affection for that movie. Whenever Ridley comes out with a film, it is almost a reflex for me to think, would it work in the plural. Sometimes, it’s obvious that it won’t. Thelmas and Louises I wrote a script but the story of two sets of twins who went on a road trip into the badlands of misogyny was never going to work. Matchstick Men was already plural and Black Hawks Down seemed tasteless. More recently I briefly considered The Counselor, but really, what’s the point?

Gladiators will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

RUSSELL CROWE REJECTED BY AUSTRALIA AND NEW ZEALAND

SYDNEY – Star of Gladiator and LA Confidential, Russell Crowe has been denied Australian citizenship twice, actor reveals.

Speaking to the Radio Times, Russell Crowe spoke of his pain at being rejected by the country he moved to from New Zealand when he was a child. And to add to his woe it has now emerged that officials in New Zealand are looking to withdraw his citizenship. A spokesperson for the New Zealand government told te Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

If he wants to be Australian so much good luck to him, but we’re not going to be know as the country for people who fail to apply to be Australian, so we will be revoking Mr. Crowe’s citizenship this week and asking for his passport back.

Crowe was staggered by the new move and threw several telephones out of the window to express his exasperation. There were even scenes down at the city hall when Mr. Crowe appeared before the officials of the immigration department bare chested and shouting, ‘Are you not entertained?’

A number of countries have offered the actor temporary citizenship including Japan and Russia. A petition started online to give Crowe US citizenship has gathered a staggering seventeen signatures, forcing the White House to respond that ‘Mr. Crowe would be a welcome addition to the nation’s immigrant community, especially because he can already do the accent.’

Russell Crowe will be released in 2016.

RIDLEY SCOTT BUYS BACK DVDS

HOLLYWOOD – In an unexpected but enormously generous move, Ridley Scott has offered to buy back all non-Director’s Cut DVDs of any of his films.

The move comes after years of criticism that Scott has received for releasing the theatrical cut of a film only to be followed months later by a purportedly definitive director’s cut, causing many fans to shell out twice.

I know it’s a little late, but better late than never. I realized I’d effed it up. You see, Kingdom of Heaven, the theatrical cut was pretty ropey and so you practically had to buy the director’s cut and then there’s Black Hawk Down, The Counselor, Robin Hood and for Blade Runner you have about sixteen cuts, more or less. So what I’m offering is this: if you’ve bought both, then bring them to my house in West Hollywood. Come round the back and knock on the glass cause sometimes we don’t hear the bell. I’ll let you in and pay you back for the one you don’t want. No questions asked.

Is the offer open to people who want to return Prometheus?

I didn’t do a director’s cut of Prometheus.

But still…

Well, okay. Why not? After all, its only money. Right?

Ridley Scott’s new film Exodus: the Bob Marley Story will be released in 2015.

RUSSELL CROWE COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET

HOLLYWOOD – After years of hiding in the closet, Maximus himself, Russell Crowe, sensationally revealed to the Studio Exec he has been a practicing heterosexual for 33 years.

“Strewth. What can I say cobbers. I love the vagina,” said a confessional Crowe:

It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. As I’m eating my morning cereal I see vaginas swirling in my milk. If I’m working that day on a scene I’ll read the words and it looks like I’m concentrating, but all the while I’m thinking of vaginas. After that it’s lunch, vaginas. Then another scene; vaginas, dinner, vaginas, then I’m off to the pub for a manly beer and hopefully, some vagina. By the time I get home I’m exhausted but hey, you’re never too tired for vagina, mate.

Pressed into confirming if he was aware of any other heterosexual actors in the industry too afraid to reveal their sexuality. Crowe nodded:

There are lots of us. Of course, I can’t reveal any names, that wouldn’t be fair because some of them haven’t even told their families yet.

Asked why it had taken him so long to come out of the closet. Crowe was candid:

Well it’s no secret there’s a lot heterophobia in Hollywood. If you’re a young actor trying to climb the slippery pole of stardom and at your first casting session you say you’re straight. Well, let’s just say you better get used to waiting tables because you’re never going to get anywhere in this business but now that I’m established I thought it was my duty to come so other people might follow my lead.

Just as we were about to close the interview we told Russell that rumors had started on twitter that George Clooney was also about to come out as a hetero:
“Clooney?” said an amused Crowe.

Ha-Ha-Ha. That’s bloody funny,mate.

Russell Crowe will be next seen in Noah.

RIDLEY SCOTT AND DAFT PUNK TO RELEASE ‘COMMENTARY ALBUM’

PARIS – French pop duo Guy-Manuel de Homem-Christo and Thomas Bangalter best known to the world by their moniker Daft Punk have announced they are to release an album in collaboration with Prometheus and Blade Runner director Ridley Scott.
It’s the Director’s Job to Say Shut the Fuck Up will feature excerpts from a whole swathe of the director’s commentaries to such films as Gladiator, Robin Hood, Blade Runner, Alien and The Duellists some of which have been deemed as more entertaining – as in the case of The Matchstick Men and Prometheus – than the actual films themselves.
Tracks will include ‘Get on with it scientists’ from Prometheus, ‘That Looks Bloody Marvellous’ from Blade Runner and ‘What do Historians know’ from Gladiator. In a statement released by the group, Daft Punk stated:

We have been huge fans of Ridley’s work for years and especially his commentaries. It is his emphatic self-satisfaction and his hilarious dismissal of criticism or indeed collaboration which makes him so fascinating to listen to. All we added were the off-cuttings from Tron Legacy.

Ridley Scott himself claimed to be instrumental in the process:

They said ‘you can’t play on the album’. I said ‘why?’ They said ‘well first off you can’t play any instruments, you have no musical training and you’re tone deaf.’ I said ‘bollocks.’ I went away for the weekend to me mate Han Zimmer’s house and when I came back I had the whole album in my head. I just whistled it to them and they basically wrote it out as notes. There was some discussion as to whether they really deserved a credit, but I said, ‘M’eh, give it them.’

It’s the Director’s Job to Say Shut the Fuck Up will be available on iTunes and from all good stores from September.

NICK CAVE’S GLADIATOR 2 SCRIPT LEAKED

SYDNEY – Everyone was eagerly awaiting cheery Australian songster and Lawless scriptwriter Nick Cave’s sequel to Gladiator – tentatively entitled Gladiator 2 – but Ridley Scott decided to do Prometheus instead.

However, the Studio Exec has managed to get his hands on the Gladiator 2 script.

1. The Colosseum. We begin where the first film ended. The EMPRESS finishes her oration and lowers her arms. The Crowd is hushed. MAXIMUS and COMMODUS lie on the ground dead.

EMPRESS

Who will lift this man and carry him to his final resting place?

Senator GRACCHUS comes forward and with the help of the other Gladiators, they lift the body of MAXIMUS. The crowd watches in silence. Petals drift in the the sand. COMMODUS’ body is forgotten where it lies. Stirring music as the funeral procession heads for the gates.

MAXIMUS

(Sitting Up)

Wait! I’m not dead.

GRACCHUS

What’s this?

EMPRESS

A miracle! Thank the Gods. Oh happy day!

MAXIMUS is helped to his feet. The crowd cheers.

GRACCHUS

But Commodus stabbed you through the heart with his red right hand.

MAXIMUS

I know I thought I was going from her (points to EMPRESS) to eternity, but this deflected the blow.

MAXIMUS loosens his breast plate and the steel guitar is revealed which deflected the blow.

EMPRESS

T’is stranger than kindness. Quick let him have a (oh mercy) seat.

CROWD

Give us a song!

MAXIMUS

Well, I’m a little rusty (strumming guitar: Starts singing). This is a weeping song – Come on everybody.

CROWD

(Singing)A song in which to weep!

FIN

Gladiator 2 will be released in 2015.

SPECIAL COLLECTOR’S EDITION COLLECTOR: ERNIE SPANK

Spank

Collector’s Edition

LONDON – Ernie Spank is the Special Collector’s Edition collector extraordinaire. And this is his DVD/Blu-Ray Collector’s Edition Interview with interactive menu and TV spots. Read it!
Ernie, when did you start collecting collector’s editions?

Well, Chad I suppose it was round about Gladiator or the Phantom Menace, or maybe it was Starship Troopers. The point was at that point DVDs were just beginning to become really popular and I had nothing to live for. My wife and children had all died and I was self-harming. And then I saw it: the Collector’s Edition of Snake Eyes. The single disc edition was pitiful. Special features were the interactive menu and scene selection. I wanted a commentary and a behind the scenes feature-ette.

So what happened next?

I just bought everything that said ‘Collector’s Edition’, because you know I was a collector and so if I saw on the packaging the words ‘Collector’s Edition’, I thought, that’s for me, specifically. If it had said, ‘Family Murderer’s edition’, I probably would have done the same. Or ‘hears voices in his head promising to reward murder with colourful lights and choral music edition’.

Who is your favourite director?

I love Ridley Scott. It’s almost as if that man makes films crap on purpose so he can have the biggest run up to the Special Collector’s Edition market. And then he lets rip with two disc, three disc, back to two disc and then four disc with the Japanese cut including eye gouging scene. That guy is the only director working who seems to think the DVD release is more important than the theatrical. Bless you Ridley!

And what is your most cherished disc?

I’d have to say the first Alexander by Oliver Stone. Because you buy the official Special Collector’s Edition and you think I’ve got it. The commentary, the docs. Trailers. The lot. And then he pulls out a director’s cut. Not much on this but you know. And then before the dollars are even cold in his wallet BANG Definitive Final Edition, motherfucker! To be followed by another edition. This guy has stones man. This guy made World Trade Center and he still goes around calling himself a director. Kudos.

AFTER PHOENIX: NEW OSCAR AWARD ANNOUNCED

HOLLYWOOD – In response to comments made by actor Joaquin Phoenix, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences has issued a press release announcing a new award to be presented exclusively at the 2013 edition of the ceremony. The Fuck You Joaquin Phoenix Award will be given to every single male actor who made a major motion picture appearance in a leading role, with one predictable exception.

Asked if the award wasn’t just a smidgen vindictive, Lionel Khrist the Academy spokesperson said, ‘Fuck yeah. He should learn the actors are there to walk around look pretty and keep their goddam cakeholes shut. Jesus, even when they win awards we try to hurry them the fuck up and get them off stage before they do something silly.’

The award is rumored to include a removable beard and sunglasses. Mr. Phoenix – who is no stranger to controversy following a stunt film I’m Still Here – made disparaging remarks for an award was being tipped to win for his role in Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master. Speaking exclusively to Studio Exec about the new award, Phoenix, or the Baddie from Gladiator (as he prefers to be known), seemed confused, slurring his words and saying, ‘It makes no sense. Is this a joke?’

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