HOLLYWOOD – Following Alex Gibney’s documentary Going Clear, Hollywood’s leading exponents of the Church of Scientology have called for the church’s status as a religion to be rescinded and replaced with an official recognition on the part of the federal government as a ‘cult’.
‘It’s a move Scientology has been considering for some time,’ said Giovanni Ribisi. ‘We were looking around at the Catholic church and the Muslims and what not and we thought, jeez, maybe being a cult is sexier!’
John Travolta also added his voice to the cause. ‘Nothing much will change,’ said the Looks Who’s Talking 2 star. ‘You still get to believe in crazy shit, but we don’t have to pretend to be normal anymore, which frankly has been a strain.’
However, former Scientologist Paul Haggis believes that the move from religion back to cult will change very little in the organisation. ‘They’ve tried this before,’ said the Crash director. ‘This is an organisation that recruited Charlie Manson as an attempt to improve its PR, for Hubbard’s sake.’
The move is believed to have come following a viewing by church leaders of the Alex Gibney HBO documentary, Going Clear which aired last Sunday. An anonymous source said:
We all sat and watched the film and when it was over there was this silence. It was eerie and then a voice said from the dark, ‘F*ck it, let’s just be cult.’ And that’s what was decided.
We will keep you up to date as this story develops.
MARS – NASA poured cold water over the hot lonely crotches of conspiracy theorists everywhere this week by claiming new images of the Mars surface, which apparently show a mysterious looming obelisk with what appears to be a sinister smiling face depicted on it, are nothing but a trick of the light.
With our newly acquired satellite ‘Deep Peep 3000’ The Studio Exec decided to have a look for ourselves but our results are sadly inconclusive.
For many years Capricorn One viewers have argued that Elvis Presley, the assassin of John F. Kennedy, had not actually died but was living on Mars and shooting a film directed by Stanley Kubrick. The Shining is a key text which reveals in hidden patterns and code the location of Presley and a complete confession of how the Moon landings were faked because NASA in effect missed the Moon and landed on Mars. Watch Danny’s jumper closely.
More recently rumors that Tom Cruise had moved to Mars alongside John Travolta and Giovanni Ribisi were dismissed out of hand by ex-President George Bush who added that he did not bring down the twin towers as part of an intricate plan to do a load of things that nobody wanted to do.
Recent photographs relayed back from Mars have given theorists fresh grist to their mill, but as we can see from the evidence above it is likely that this is merely an optical illusion caused by the Loch Ness monster which was just out of shot.