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CORMAC McCARTHY’S GHOSTBUSTERS 3 SCRIPT

EXCLUSIVE – Read an EXCLUSIVE extract from Cormac McCarthy’s failed Ghostbusters 3 script.

American novelist and Counselor screenwriter Cormac McCarthy new version of Ghostbusters 3 was ultimately rejected but the Studio Exec have got our hands on the first draft which (interestingly enough) was written in crayon.

INT. FIRE STATION. NIGHT.
A phone rings in the desolate waste of the night. A man. A man answers the phone.

VENKMAN

Hello.

HOTEL MANAGER

You know what there is?

VENKMAN

No. I don’t know.

HOTEL MANAGER

It’s a ghost. There’s a ghost. And I thought, I thought, who am I gonna call? Then it came to me. I’m gonna call Ghostbusters.

VENKMAN

What did you do next?

HOTEL MANAGER

This is it. This is me. Now. Calling Ghostbusters. This is Ghostbusters, right?

VENKMAN

Only in a deeply painful way. But yes. I suppose it is.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET. NIGHT.
The famous Ghostbusters mobile drives with the siren wailing and the light flashing.

FADE TO BLACK

INT. FIRE STATION. NIGHT.
Venkman, Ray and Spengler sit. They are covered in slime and look exhausted and distressed by the moral efficacy, or otherwise, of their deliberations.

VENKMAN

The Ghost.

SPENGLER

Busted.

RAY

You got slimed Peter. Aren’t you cold?

VENKMAN

The truth has no temperature.

RAY

I don’t understand. Are you cold or not?

VENKMAN

In a word, ‘women’.

SPENGLER

No, I still don’t get it.

VENKMAN

Just get me a towel.

He pauses for the laughter he will never hear. Ray passes him a towel. He fails to use it.

FADE TO BLACK

FIN

Ghostbusters 3 will be released in 2017.

BILL MURRAY TALKS GHOSTBUSTERS REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Comedy legend and occasional drinker, Bill Murray, has been secretly recorded denouncing the script for Paul Feig’s Ghostbusters reboot in a Los Angeles bar.

Murray released his tirade in celebrity hangout Bar Marmont after consuming what one onlooker described as a “S*it load of tequila.”

We cannot print the transcript of the recording in full as it goes on for five and a half hours but below are some choice excerpts from Murray’s devilish diatribe:

9.35 pm

F*cking Feig, he comes over to my house with this stupid script and expects me to roll over and take it from behind. Don’t get me wrong, I f*cking love Paul, he’s like the cousin I never drowned but he wouldn’t know good writing if it burrowed into his fat ass and laid an egg.

10.22 pm

I mean you should read this f*cking thing! I’ve not read a script this bad since Lindeloff accosted me in the Laker’s bathroom with a copy of Prometheus.

10.54 pm

I dig the chick thing, I dig it, but they want f*cking Ricky Moranis to return. I mean…how the f*ck is that going to happen? He’s been freebasing crack for 15 years and last I heard the police had caught him naked in his neighbor’s garden looking for miniature people. The guy’s off his tits and they want to strap a f*cking nuclear reactor to his back?

11.25 pm

F*ck Groundhog Day man. F*ck Lost in Translation, The Royal Tenenbaums and the mother f*cking Life Aquatic. The best movie I ever made was Larger Than Life. I f*cking loved that goddamn elephant.

12.13 pm

Seriously, the Marshmallow man is the US President and Slimer’s a post-op transsexual. I mean, what the f*ck were these writers smoking and where can I get some?

12.57 pm

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’VE GOT NO CREME DE MENTHE? WHAT KIND OF F*CKING COWBOY OPERATION ARE YOU RUNNING HERE?

1.45 pm

NO I WON’T PUT MY F*CKING TROUSERS BACK ON! WHO THE F*CK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE TALKING TOO? I’M BILL F*CKING MURRAY! ONE PHONE CALL TO SPIELBERG AND I COULD HAVE YOU KILLED, MOTHERF*CKER!

LENA DUNHAM TO PLAY SLIMER IN GHOSTBUSTERS REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Girls star Lena Dunham announced she is to be the new Slimer in the all female reboot of Ghostbusters.

Dunham spoke to the Studio Exec about what she has planned for the character.

Hey Lena, congrats on the gig. How do you re-invent such a classic character?

I hate to sound all ‘actory’ but for me it’s like that thing where actors say putting on the character’s shoes gets them in the zone…same thing, but shit loads of slime, I’m dripping right now.

Is it helping?

I think so, I’ve tried sneaking into friends houses in the middle of the night and, like, standing at the foot of their bed moaning, without the slime it would look like either a mental breakdown or a heavy come-on. And it’s just that kind of psycho sexual ambiguity that has really helped me tap into the core of the character.

Where are you getting the slime?

Jack Nicholson hooked me up initially, he’s the go to guy for a lot of viscous material at short notice. But you wear it long enough you start to produce your own unique bacteria culture and it forms independently. I’ll be producing my own slime entirely by the time shooting starts.

Ghostbusters 3 will be released some time in the next future.

SARAH SILVERMAN TO PLAY SLIMER IN GHOSTBUSTERS REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – Acerbic comedian Sarah Silverman has signed up to play everyone’s favourite green ghoul Slimer in Paul Feig’s Ghostbusters reboot.

Silverman, who beat off the likes of Meryl Streep and Jessica Chastain to win the coveted role, is currently working with Andy Serkis in order to master the art of motion capture:

“Andy is being very patient with me,” said Silverman:

He turned up on the first day and found me naked, painted green and eating out of a garbage can. I thought that was how this kind of thing worked but Andy sat me down and went through the process.

Silverman went on to say the motion capture experience has had a profound psychological effect on her:

I feel like the character has stayed with me. I’ve found myself hiding in libraries and jumping out from behind bookshelves to scare members of the public and when I wake up in the morning my sheets are covered in Ectoplasm. It’s like I’ve been sharing my bed with a teenage boy which maybe I have, I can’t really say for sure. I’ve been eating a lot garbage lately and I think I’ve got brain poisoning.

According to Serkis, Silverman isn’t the only actor to suffer from Post Motion Capture Disorder:

It’s more common than you think. When I was doing Planet of the Apes, I often woke up to find myself chewing on a banana and throwing my own s*it at my wife. It affects some people more than others and Sarah has had it pretty easy so far. I know Benedict Cumberbatch found it really difficult to shake off the character of Smaug, so much so that I heard he was arrested last week for attempting to incinerate a dwarf with a flamethrower.

The Ghostbusters reboot is due in 2016.

GHOSTBUSTERS 4 GREEN LIT

HOLLYWOOD – Grab your Proton Packs because The Ghostbusters are back!

The Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that a brand new live-action Ghostbusters film will start shooting later this year and the long-awaited sequel will be released in December 2014. Ivan Reitman will once again be at the helm and the entire original cast WILL be returning, INCLUDING Bill Murray!

But, there’s a catch. The film will be Ghostbusters 4, NOT 3.

Confused?

Dan Aykroyd explains:

We spent far too much time trying to come up with a good idea for a third film that everyone could get behind and commit to. But we just couldn’t agree on a story. Bill was in, then he was out, then he was in again, then he was out again. And frankly none of us wanted to go ahead unless everyone was fully on board. But then Ivan and I came up with a fantastic idea for a FOURTH instalment which everyone simply loved, so we’re going to go ahead and do that instead.

Ghostbusters 4 Ever will tell the story of the old team (Venkman, Stantz, Spengler and Zeddmore) planning for their retirement and taking on the challenge of training in their young, fresh-faced replacements. No official word on casting yet but Aykroyd hinted that Bradley Cooper, Liam Neeson, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson and Sharlto Copley are strong contenders for the roles. Jessica Biel is also rumoured to be playing the role of the Ghostbusters’ new young secretary and Patrick Wilson is the hot contender to play the villain.

When we pointed out to Aykroyd that this was the exact same cast as 2010’s The A-Team, he replied, “Aw, shit. Really?”

Ghostbusters 4 Ever will be in theatres December 2014.

DAN AYKROYD BREAKS DOWN OVER GHOSTBUSTERS 3

NEW YORK – The world’s most famous Canadian (after Mordechai Richler, Leonard Cohen, Margaret Attwood, William Shatner and Keanu Reeves) Dan Aykroyd broke down on the late night talk show Letterman when asked about plans for a forthcoming Ghostbusters sequel.
A bewildered Letterman watched as the thin Blues Brother burst into tears and started tearing the buttons off his shirt, ‘What’s the fucking point? Bill doesn’t want to do it, nobody wants to see it,’ Aykroyd said. ‘It will be the Blues Brothers 2000 all over again.’

Aykroyd then curled up into a ball on the famous sofa and emitted animal like wails that ‘spoke of a pain so deep as to eschew the articulation of this our broken language’ said one surprisingly erudite audience member. Akyroyd’s appearance, however, might never be seen as a cable was cut and the show had to be taped again.

Representatives for Mr Aykroyd denied the burst of clarity had taken place, arguing that it was more likely there was some sort of mass delusion rather than Dan Aykroyd admitting that making a follow up to a film made in 1989 (Ghostbusters II the Empire Strikes Back of the trilogy) would be a waste of time and money.

Ghostbusters 3 will be released in 2015.