FLUFFER’S POSTCARDS FROM CANNES. PART 2.

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall the an incident at the Cannes Film Festival.

Dear Debbie Reynolds,

Just back from the premiere of The Great Gatsby, and you’ll never guess who was in it: dear little Leo DiCaprio! Can’t remember what part he played and if truth be told it dragged on a little. I fell asleep before the bit where the boat sinks. Got back to the hotel and found out that some bugger had pinched my cuff links! Tell Carrie I’ve got her Duty Free, she can pay me when I get back.

Lots of love,

Edwin
 
 


 
Dear Gerard Depardieu,

Gerry! I asked the waiter at the Gilded Cheese if you’d been in lately and he tells me you’ve chipped off to Moscow. Bloody cold I’d imagine. The sun’s out here in Cannes, and a lot of the old crowd are meeting up for drinks later. Won’t be the same without you darling, but at least it’ll give the local gendarmerie the night off. I told you they weren’t really sisters didn’t I?

Cheers!

Edwin
 


  
Dear Gene Hackman,

We’re missing you at Cannes this year, Gene old pal. Bloody Stevie Spielberg keeps trying to catch my eye because he still wants us to do the My Own Private Idaho sequel. He’s giving me all the ‘people want to see how the characters have grown’ nonsense, but I’m not falling for that again, and neither should you. I said to give Harvey Keitel a ring, he’ll whip it out for anyone.
Ask Clint if he can pop ‘round to see if I’ve got any mail.

Chin chin,

Edwin
 


  
 
Dear Jack Nicholson,

Having a lovely time at Cannes this year Jacky: the Mayor says all is forgiven and we’re both welcome back any time, so that’s good news. ‘Eau under the pont’ as I told him, but I’m on best behaviour just in case. We don’t want Interpol getting snooty again. I’ve found what room Jerry Lewis is staying in, so guess who’s getting my bar bill!

Ever yours,

Edwin

47 FILMS: 20. 1492: THE CONQUEST OF PARADISE

In our continuing series of ‘47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams‘, we look at Ridley Scott’s dark take on the New World: 1492.

Medieval Spain is a harsh place. The Inquisition burns heretics at the stake and following the fall of Granada, the most Catholic Majesties reign confident in their pomp. An Italian sailor with a bad temper and a yen for exploration seeks funding for his latest venture: an attempt to find a Western passage to India.

Following the success of Thelma and Louise, Ridley Scott managed to get financing for this bold historical epic. Competing with a lighter and more swashbuckling take on the Columbus story (starring Tom Selleck as the King of Spain), 1492 is a strange beguilingly dark and twisted historical piece that gets lost and tortured but turns into something quite extraordinary somewhere along the way. It’s a big budget companion piece to Werner Herzog’s Aguirre: Wrath of God and – although not as fully accomplished as that masterpiece – has much to recommend it.

Featuring a rare English language performance from a hulking Gerard Depardieu as well as sterling support from Sigourney Weaver and a growling Gothic villain in Michael Wincott’s Moxica, the film is a Conradian take on the savagery at the dark heart of the civilization project.  As ideals of adventure and discovery give way to murderous injustice, conquest and vicious exploitation, 1492 is an epic deconstruction of the usually benign heroic take on what for many populations actually represented an apocalypse. A score by Vangelis and Scott’s sumptuous visual style make this an unforgettable film.

For more of our 47 Films Click Here.

FRENCH FILMS TO BE IN ENGLISH FROM NOW ON

PARIS – It has been decided by the European Union that all French films will now be made in English in order to avoid ‘critical bias’.

The ruling came after years of complaints that, as Swiss critic Xavier Poulis argues, a lot of French ‘films were getting a free ride from Anglophone critics who go ga-ga over the Je ne sais quoi.’

And it’s not just the French films that get a free ride. The actors as well are considered amazing just because they can speak French. Look at Vincent Cassel. He’s got a face like a builder’s elbow. If that guy came from Des Moines, he’d be lucky to get a job as Heavy no. 5 in Walker Texas Ranger. But he has a French accent, and he speaks French so he has a long film career and marries Monica Bellucci. It just isn’t fair.

The judge in the European Court which brought the decision issued a statement saying:

France has a proud tradition of beautiful cinema from the nouvelle vague to Gerard Depardieu, but now a lot of it is frankly toilette and by having the films produced in English we will more readily discern this.

Although there have been some muted protests from the French artistic community, it is understood that the more commercially minded French film makers actually support the law. Luc Besson, Gasper Noé and Francois Ozon all blew that beguilingly irritating raspberry that translates as ‘whatever’.

The law will go into immediate effect and the first French film to be effected will be Asterix and the Large Teutonic Tube, due for release in 2016.
  

RUSSIA INTRODUCE ROLLERBALL STYLE DEATH SPORT

MOSCOW – Vladimir Putin today confirmed that Russia would be instituting a national league of a gladiatorial death game, based loosely on the 1975 movie Rollerball.

The Premier of the Russian Federation told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Here in Russia it is useless to hide the fact that we have a lot of problems. There is criminality, corruption, economic woes and a disaffected youth. Add to this we have political dissidents left right and centre. However, recently as I was riding bare-chested across the steppe close to my Dacha, it occurred to me that the James Cann Science Fiction film Rollerball might be the answer to all of our problems. I phoned Steven Segal and Gerard Depardieu and they both agreed with me vociferously.

The Norman Jewison directed futuristic fantasy shows a society where everything is perfect. Corporations rule a largely docile populace where crime and poverty have been eliminated. This is done via a violent sport which serves as both a cathartic outpouring for the blood lust of society and a model of obedience and sacrifice. That is until the rise of star played Jonathan E (James Cann) whose individual success puts at risk the very values that the sport is supposed to promote.

Aren’t you afraid of a Jonathan E character rising up?

No not at all. I have Pussy Riot and that’s okay isn’t it? Jonathan E would be easy for me to do deal with. I’d invite him for a night time stroll near the Kremlin. Ha ha!

Many Russia watchers believe that the new sport will be a popular move for a President who despite (or perhaps because of) foreign criticism has maintained high levels of domestic support.

The rules for Russian Rollerball will be much the same as shown in the latter games of the movie, where there are no fouls and players can be legitimately maimed or murdered as part of the game. The league will begin with twenty teams playing across Russia, with players recruited from Universities, opposition political parties, immigrant groups, homosexuals and journalists.

The first season of Russian Rollerball will begin in October of 2015 and will be available on Pay Per View.

JON VOIGHT PENS LETTER TO VLADIMIR PUTIN

HOLLYWOOD –

Dear Vladimir Putin,

I’m Jon Voight and I am more than angry. I am genuinely furious. I mean, what the f*ck do you think you’re doing Vladimir? Seriously? Stirring up all that shit in the Ukraine and then a passenger jet gets shot down. As if the Malaysians didn’t have enough to put up with without you causing them even more grief. I’m so angry with you I can hardly even speak.  Continue reading “JON VOIGHT PENS LETTER TO VLADIMIR PUTIN”

MY FAVORITE FILM: VLADIMIR PUTIN

MOSCOW – Hi Everybody! It’s me Vladimir Putin, Judo/Action star, best friends with Gerard Depardieu and … oh I run this little country called Russia, ha ha ha! No, seriously, it is actually very big.

We’re having this Winter Olympics thing with the skiing, the luge, the figure skating I don’t like so much. So to help drum up publicity my friend the Studio Exec said I could talk about my favorite film. So here goes.

Brokeback Mountain is a fantastic movie. First of all I love Westerns. Men in the wilderness being men. Looking after sheep (in this case) and spending Man time together, looking at the Manscape. They’re both married so that’s fine, but they are so manly they don’t really have much interest in their wives. As we say in Russia, “Only gays kiss girls!”

I love the actors. Jake Gyllenhaal is great, I really loved Donnie Darko as well, but in this he is better. He has such dark eyes. You really feel you could swim in them and I don’t know… sink beneath the surface of their moist sadness into a soft dream. And Heath Ledger is great! Wow, he can act. I liked him as the Joker as well. What happened to him? He’s so talented. Why isn’t he in more films?

I’m not quite sure what the story is really about. To be perfectly frank, I’m often so tired from running a police state, abusing human rights and wrestling other men while wearing what could be described as pyjamas until we’re all sweaty and spent, I often nod off during a film and Brokeback Mountain does have this soothing music. Randy Quaid is in it as well. He’s fantastic though he looks like he didn’t get paid enough. 

All I know is that Brokeback Mountain is a healthy invigorating film, about life in the great outdoors. It has two fine young men in it, who stand boldly erect as models of pure virtuous manliness. And there’s also a sadness because, naturally, one of them dies and life is hard. I can never watch this film without being deeply moved in a manly way. Anyway, those minorities are not going to repress themselves. I’ve enjoyed talking about ‘My Favorite Film’. 

Do Svidaniya! 

For more Favorite Films, Click HERE.

VLADIMIR PUTIN AND STEVEN SEAGAL MARRY

MOSCOW – Vladimir Putin and Steven Seagal took advantage of a new wave of liberalism sweeping the world to get married this morning at eleven o’clock in a small private ceremony in Moscow.

The move came as a surprise as everyone had assumed that either Vladimir Putin was a huge homophobe, or – that if he was to overcome his hatred for anyone non-heterosexual – he would marry Gerard Depardieu who had become Russian as a sign of his love (or for tax reasons).

Putin said, ‘At last I’ve found a man I can go mano a mano with and who gives as good as he gets. Ever since I saw Under Siege it was like I was bewitched. Who was this man? I mean, he’s the cook, I’m confused. But then it turned out he was a Navy Seal. I don’t remember the rest of the film because I swooned.’

Seagal himself was overcome by emotion.

‘Usually I hate gays, but Vladimir won me over,’ he said. ‘We both love martial arts, water colours and despotism.’

For more news follow @studioexec1 on Twitter (if such a thing exists).

BRUCE WILLIS BLAMED FOR RUSSIAN METEORITE STORM

Vladimir Putin

Armagedding out here














Bruce Willis has been blamed by Vladimir Putin for having ‘in some way caused’ the meteorite shower that left hundred wounded. The meteorite flared dramatically in the sky in a region called Chelyabinsk and around 400 people were wounded in resulting explosions.
‘First he comes to Russia and kills people with his horrible snuff film A Good Day to Die Hard,’ said the Russian leader. ‘Then a scene from Armageddon happens right above our heads. Coincidence? I don’t think so.’
Putin’s new best friend Gerard Depardieu agreed: ‘Willis is a menace to Mother Russia. His anti-Russian propaganda was already tasteless and an insult to all true blood Russians such as myself, but then to somehow engineer space rock to fall from the sky as part of his ego trip just sickens me.’
It has been a hard week for Willis who also had the tough job of trying to identify the grammar of the phrase A Good Day to Die Hard to English journalists.

DO THE RUSSIANS ALSO WANT ADAM SANDLER?









HOLLYWOOD – State Department officials admitted that they had approached high ranking officers in the Putin administration in Russia to request they also give citizenship to Adam Sandler. ‘We noticed they were giving away citizenship to people like Gerard Depardieu and we thought we’d pop the question,’ said a source from the White House. ‘We didn’t think they’d say yes and as a matter of fact, they didn’t.’

The move came as Russia became the go-to dictatorship for pampered rich actor types who didn’t want their hard earned money going to build schools and hospitals and the like. Brigitte Bardot became the latest French film icon to seek Russian citizenship, protesting at the continued existence of animal murderer Peter Jackson. ‘He kills elephants,’ the deranged actress creamed. BB will be known as Nikita ‘Like the Elton John song’ Barbushka, as she joined Gerard Depardieu in Moscow.

It has been the stated policy of this administration to get rid of Mr. Sandler as soon as we can. He represents a clear and present danger of making Jack and Jill 2. But unfortunately the Russians have seen The Waterboy and told us to withdraw the request or face retaliation. 

GERARD DEPARDIEU BECOMES RUSSIAN

MOSCOW – Chunky French film star (and air-plane plumbing expert) Gerard Depardieu has become Russian, receiving the all important nod from the Russian Tsar, Vladimir Putin, late last night. From now on the hulking star of such classics as Jean de Florette and Cyrano di Bergerac and 101 Dalmatians will be known as Ivan Depardinovitch.
Film scholars were busy last night re-writing all the books on French cinema of the last sixty years and changing his name to the new one.

Ivan was angry at French President François Hollande’s decision to raise tax on the very rich. ‘I am practically down to my last yacht,’ said Ivan. Ivan first moved to Belgium, a country which is basically France, but pretends to be different. He immediately realised he had made a huge mistake: ‘Christ, it’s boring.’

Prick


Having listened to a song by Sting – and being assured that ‘Russians love their children too’, Ivan decided Russia would be the ideal home for his money. When questioned about the terrible human rights record of the country, Ivan laughed and waved away the question: ‘Don’t believe all that,’ he said. ‘I heard that not only is the country a riot, it’s a pussy riot!’