STAR WARS IS CHILDISH SHIT

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas’ 1977 space opera Star Wars is to cinema what Weetabix is to cuisine.

Star Wars! May the Fourth be with you! Get it? because it sounds a little bit like Force. May the Force be with you. May the 4th be with you. See? No? Screw you. In the Studio Exec office an argument broke out. You see there was an article claiming that Empire Strikes Back was actually a terrible Star Wars movie. We weren’t agreeing or denying it. Rather, we were all argue about who gave less of a fuck. You see Star Wars is a children’s film, but all the children who liked it now own media companies, film studios and edit newspapers. So it’s become what can only be described as a thing.

I speak as someone who queued to watch the Star Wars when it was just a Baby Yoda. And I loved it. And I saw Empire Strikes Back in a theater in old Ireland a long time ago. Before Luke Skywalker actually ended up living there. I watched every single Star Wars film in the cinema. Even the unflushed toilet that is Attack of the Clones. I tried so hard to like Phantom Menace, I had to go to hospital with a strained face. But somewhere along the way, we got lost. I mean come on. Fighting about The Last Jedi like it means something? Upset with JJ Abrams – the maker of Lost  – because he didn’t nail the landing. The. Maker. of. Lost.

Crazy stuff. We got the toys, the universe, music, the sound effects, the comic books, the movies and now the TV shows, animated and otherwise and it’s just going to go on and on. The nerds have become geeks and the geeks have taken over the world. And like grown up kids they want to have dessert for dinner and cereal for lunch. Well, tuck in assholes. And may the diabetes be with you.

The Studio Exec utterly disclaims this article.

PETER JACKSON TO REMAKE THE NEVERENDING STORY

HOLLYWOOD – No sooner had the final battle cries of The Hobbit died out than Peter Jackson has embarked on another fantasy franchise: a remake of the 1984 Wolfgang Petersen film The NeverEnding Story.

The official synopsis reads:

Based on the Michael Ende novel, the film will tell the story of Bastian Bux (Elijah Wood), a young boy who is bullied at school and finds his only escape in books and in particular a book which transports him to a land called Fantasia ruled by a sick princess (Cate Blanchett) who lives in an ivory tower with no sense of irony.  She summons a young warrior called Atreyu (Orlando Bloom) to set and defeat the Nothing (George Lucas in his first major acting role) which threatens the land.

The Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson told the Studio Exec:

I am very excited to get away from Middle Earth if only for a little while. At first I was a bit cautious about returning to fantasy but I read the book and fell in love with it. I was already a fan of the film. Especially the Limahl song [sings] ‘NeverEnding Story, do-de-do-de-de-do-de-de-do!’

Yes. Good. Fantastic. STOP! Now, how will you approach the film? 

At first I thought it’s going to be impossible to slim down into one film. I wanted to do a simple 90 minute story. But then I realised, who am I kidding? The title is the clue. So we’re going to make fifteen films back-to-back and no one in New Zealand need never go hungry or on holiday again.

The NeverEnding Story Parts 1-16 will be released over the next twenty years. 

GEORGE LUCAS ANNOUNCES TOMB RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK IS GO

HOLLYWOOD – Lara Croft and Indiana Jones meet in a Tomb Raider movie to come.

Today George Lucas confirmed that Lara Croft and Indiana Jones will meet in a new Tomb Raider film, following the debut of Alicia Vikander in the role of the video game hero. Lucas spoke excitedly with the Studio Exec, spraying bits of Pringles everywhere.

Alicia is just amazing and Harrison is getting on. So the idea is we have them team up. Harrison does the cerebral stuff and Alicia kicks ass and gets into scrapes.

How does Steven Spielberg feel about this?

I’m going to be taking the chair for this one.

You’re directing it?

Yes. I don’t want to. I want to do small art films. But I can hear all the people after Force Awakens and Last Jedi shouting from behind the fence: ‘Come back George! Show these bozos how it’s done!’

What’s the story?

Indiana Jones finds out that the Ark of the Covenant has been stolen and he is the only one who can get it back. But – importantly – he has a bad back. And that’s where Lara comes in. She has some daddy issues, so she takes to Indy straight away.

This sounds..

Great! I know.

Tomb Raiders of the Lost Ark is filming right now.

COUNTDOWN TO OSCARS 2019 BEGINS

HOLLYWOOD – The countdown to the 91st Academy Awards (also known popularly as the Oscars) begins.

Sunday sees Jimmy Kimmel host the 90th Academy Awards but here at the Studio Exec we’re already looking forward to the next edition.

We spoke with resident Oscar expert Oscar Isaac:

The 91st edition of the Academy Awards look like being the most competitive ever. A real make or break year. Meryl Streep, Denzel Washington and Tom Hanks are joined in the acting categories by Sting and Kevin James in what has turned out to be a genuinely surprising year. The new Tarantino movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood might see the famed director get his hands on a Best Picture for the first time. Though some claim that his killing of Leonardo di Caprio might go against him.

He killed di Caprio?

To be fair, Quentin didn’t force him to fly that helicopter in Mexico.

Jesus.

Woody Allen’s collaboration with Roman Polanski – Thank God for Little Girls – was the surprise entrant in the Foreign Language category, his first French language film where it’ll compete with Michael Haneke’s Eine Kliene Nacht Musik – which translates as You Are All a Bunch of Shitting Bastards. As for Best Picture, Guillermo del Toro must certainly be in the running with his Splash reboot and George Lucas for Button Pants. There’s also bound to be the now traditional mix up at the end. Hashtag hilarious.

Thanks Oscar.

That’s fine Exec.

The Oscars are on Sunday.

GEORGE LUCAS WORKING ON ROM-COM

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas revealed today the nature of his long-awaited new project: a rom-com called Button Pants.

THX 1138, American Graffiti and Star Wars director George Lucas has a new project. And he came over to the Studio Exec bungalow to talk EXCLUSIVELY about the idea:

It’s completely different from what I’ve done in the past. Frankly, I want to get away from big budget fantasy and sci-fi and go back to my roots as an experimental arty film director. I want to make low budget personal films. Small films. You dig, SE?

Lay it on me daddio!

Groovy. Well, I call it Button Pants.

I like it already. 

It’s about this guy who wants to buy a pair of button pants. But he lives in this small town where the only pant shop sells you know trousers with zippers. So he goes on this road journey to find pants with buttons.

What’s the title again?

Button Pants.

It sounds fantastic. 

Thanks, man. He meets this girl and she’s trying to find a dress with like hooks instead of zippers or buttons.

There’s a theme emerging.

I knew you’d understand. So they team up together and one night he confesses a dreadful secret.

Intriguing. 

You see his mother never knew a man and he was conceived via the Midichlorians. There’s a real chance that he could be the one who will bring balance to the Force. He complains a bit about sand and then the two are kidnapped and taken to the Death Star.

Wait. What the fuck? What happened to the button pants?

I’ll get back to it. Luckily, on the Death Star, they team up with an old star pirate called San Holo and his large Mookie Smokkacigaretta.

Fuck off, George. 

Together, they… hey ow.

Button Pants will be released in 2020 by Disney.

 

 

STEVEN F*CKING SPIELBERG IS ACTUALLY GOING TO F*CKING MAKE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg is going to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump is President of the United States. Britain is Brexiting. The ice caps are making. And Steven Spielberg is actually making Indiana f*cking Jones 5.

The news was welcomed by accountants the world over and some tape worms were felt to writhe in anticipation. Shia LaBeouf has gone into hiding and a trail of blue M&Ms was found marking a path from Harrison Ford’s house to an extremely rickety World War One bi-plane.

When asked about the project Spielberg told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The film will be set in the present day Indiana Jones is now extremely old. We’re talking Guy Pearce here. He is called on to go to Charlottesville to pull down some ancient statues. Only here he will find his old nemesis. The Nazis.

Indiana Jones and the Alt Right will be released in 2020.

STEVEN SPIELBERG USES AIR QUOTES WHEN TALKING ABOUT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Steven Spielberg uses air quotes whenever talking about Indiana Jones 5, it was revealed today.

Jaws and Lincoln director Steven Spielberg always uses air quotes whenever discussing Indiana Jones 5. The revelation came from Spielberg’s close friend Dan Aykroyd.

It’s the weirdest thing. Whenever he talks about the next Indiana Jones film, he uses this quote gesture with his fingers. He said to me the other day that Indiana Jones would be “released” in 2019. He was “working” on the “script” and Harrison Ford was very “excited” about the “idea”.

So he might not actually want to make the film?

I asked him about it and he told me that when Peter Jackson talks to him about Tintin Jackson does the same thing. So he just picked it up as a useful habit.

What does George Lucas think?

George Lucas “thinks” we’re going to make the “Movie”.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in “2019”.

GEORGE LUCAS TO REMAKE PHANTOM MENACE

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas announced that he is remaking Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

When George Lucas sold the rights to Star Wars, he inserted a secret clause written in lemon juice so no one could read it. This clause reserves the rights of any remake of his Star Wars prequels to Mr. Lucas himself. Today he announced that he would be pursuing this opportunity and remaking the first of the much maligned Star Wars prequels.

I’ve sat out some of the movies and it hasn’t felt good. I wanted to make my own little art house movies but that lasted about a week. Now I want to get back on the Jedi Knight saddle and try again.

Why Phantom Menace?

I got the idea from watching The Force Awakens. It occurred to me that if they can just remake A New Hope why can’t I have another stab at The Phantom Menace.

But why the Phantom Menace?

I think that I got it wrong. In the past I’ve been resistant to criticism but I have had time to look at my mistakes and work out what went wrong. I asked myself if I got the chance to do it again what would I change. Number one, more humor. Two, more Jar Jar Binks. Number three, more woohoo and woops from Anakin.

But why the Phantom Menace?

I just… didn’t I just answer that.

Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace Awakens will be released in 2018.

EMPIRE TO REASSESS ITS SWITCH LOCATION POLICY

WASHINGTON – Empire issues order to review all switch locations.

The Galactic Empire has announced that it is to review how it locates its switches at all major facilities, following a recent attack on the planet of Scarif. The Grand Moff Tarkin spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec via hologram:

It’s obvious that following the last incursion by the rebel scum that we are making it far too easy for them. The attack on Scarif was facilitated by what can only be described as a random distribution of important switches and control panels around the main base. Some of them were even outside armored bunkers. When surely inside would have been a better option. We’ve tried putting some vital controls on the end of gantries high above the ground, hoping that any rebel might get dizzy but to be honest they seem to enjoy the challenge. Still, I’m confident we’ll overcome them.

On another note, how do you feel about your CGI enhancements?

It’s becoming quite a club, isn’t it? Tron’s Jeff Bridges, the young Arnold Terminator, the dead-eyed children of Polar Express, we’ve all been Zemeckised! I can’t say I’m over the moon. But that isn’t a moon anyway. It’s a space station.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story out now.

 

SHIA LABEOUF SUFFERING FROM THE CURSE OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

HOLLYWOOD – Shia LaBeouf claims Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull almost destroyed his entire life.

Noted actor and performance artist Shia LaBeouf has spoken for the first time about the so-called ‘curse of the Crystal Skull’. Speaking to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY, the Transformers star had this to say:

I was so excited about appearing in an Indiana Jones movie I can’t tell you. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would turn into such a nightmare. From the day after we wrapped things went wrong. I began to appear at premieres with a bag over my head. Shouted in theatres. I started drinking. Even appeared in a Lars Von Trier film for crying out loud. At my lowest I sat on my own in a cinema and watched all the films I had been in. I can’t tell you how that was.

Other stars have complained of the effects of the movie. First, Harrison Ford crashed his plane and lost all his hair and then Cate Blanchett appeared in The Hobbit. Even producer George Lucas accidentally sold Star Wars to Disney following the film.

LaBeouf says:

The only person who got away with it was Spielberg. He’s as happy as he ever was.

Indiana Jones and the Trump Presidency will be released in 2018.

TOM HANKS TO PLAY STEVEN SPIELBERG

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks is to play Steven Spielberg in a new biopic of Hollywood’s most successful director.

Written and directed by George Lucas, Spielberg will show the growth of the director as an epic tale of a small town kid come good.

The official synopsis reads:

Da Vinci Code star Tom Hanks is to play Steven Spielberg in Steven Spielberg: The Special Edition, written and directed by George Lucas. A biopic of the finest movie director since George Lucas, Steven Spielberg charts the rise of the struggling TV director who – having met George Lucas – is mentored in the ways of direction.

Watch how the visionary genius of George Lucas was instrumental in guiding Steven Spielberg to become the legend he is today, while at the same time always covering up his involvement, because George Lucas is probably the most modest person in the entire world. See how George Lucas added the shark to Steven’s first big break movie and changed the name from Amity Island Nights to Jaws. Laugh when you find out Steven Spielberg wanted Indiana Jones to be called Lenny Schmo and be played by Woody Allen. Weep as you witness George Lucas giving Spielberg one of his own kidneys and swearing him to secrecy.

Tom Hanks spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I’ve worked with Steven many times and yet when I read George’s script I couldn’t believe how much I didn’t know about him. I didn’t know for instance that it was Steven who had the idea for the Star Wars prequels and even wrote the scripts. George hated them but made them anyway because he didn’t want to upset his friend. And I didn’t know that actually George directed Raiders while Steven was ill with the flu. Amazing.

Steven Spielberg: The Special Edition will be released in 2018.

GOOD NEWS: WORLD TO END BEFORE INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Scientists revealed today that humanity would in all likelihood be extinct prior to the release of Indiana Jones 5, much to the relief of everybody.

A combination of nuclear proliferation, human caused climate change and political instability is almost certain to wipe out mankind by 2018, a full year before the projected release of Indiana Jones 5 a study published in the Scientific American proves. The article says:

Climate change is having a catastrophic effect and we have observed that the Earth is tilting due to the melting of the ice caps. This tilting is just one event which has been fed into a mathematical model with other factors such as nuclear proliferation and economic instability and we can confidently predict everyone on the planet will be dead by 2018. Our calculations show that Indiana Jones 5 will be released post the apocalypse and this is genuinely cheering news.

The news was greeted with relief and in some quarters joy. Steven Spielberg was one of the people to go public with his reaction:

George has come up with a story and Lord helps me it send Indiana Jones into space. It’s a direct follow on from Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. We’re due to start shooting just as the water rises over our heads and the mushroom clouds bloom on the horizon.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.

STAR WARS v INDIANA JONES ‘NOT IMPOSSIBLE’ SAYS GEORGE LUCAS

HOLLYWOOD – George Lucas today spoke of how it would ‘not be entirely impossible’ for a future Star Wars – Indiana Jones crossover movie.

George Lucas walked into the Studio Exec bungalow like a man reborn. He grabbed a handful of peanut M&Ms from the courtesy bowl threw them high up in the air and then let them cascade onto his silver hair and beard catching a couple in his gaping maw. He settled himself on the Exec couch of truth and put his feet up on the coffee table and proffered a broad grin:

I’m very happy. Things are going well. Star Wars: The Force Awakens was a great hit and I’m delighted with that and now Steven Spielberg is busy with the next big project: the new Indiana Jones movie. Harrison Ford is very excited by some of my ideas.

What brought him around?

Well, he was a little upset by the fact that as far as Star Wars is concerned he’s pretty much out of the picture. He was wooed by the idea that he would feature in the young Han Solo spin off but the sad fact is that he is too old to play the young Han Solo, but no one got round to telling Harrison that. So he was pissed. That was what made him change his mind on the Indiana Jones idea. But then I went one further and suggested that maybe there was a way of combining the two.

You mean Star Wars and Indiana Jones.

Look, they both come from the same source of inspiration: Saturday morning serials. One is Flash Gordon and the other is more Tarzan, or Rocketman, or some such. But they’re cut from the same cloth so why wouldn’t they be able to crossover? We’ve got a Batman v Superman film coming up after all.

What was Steven Spielberg’s view of this?

I didn’t think he was incredibly happy. He sort of said, ‘Oh George’ the way he does. But the fact of the matter is, he said that about the aliens in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull and in the end he filmed my idea.

How would it even work?

Well, Star Wars has always been set in a Galaxy Far Far Away (copyright Disney Studios). But they do have space ships and as those space ships fly faster than the speed of light that means they also have time travel. Plus Indiana Jones in the last film discovered multi-dimensional beings. What if those beings came back and asked for Indiana Jones’ help defeating the First Order? It wouldn’t be that much of a stretch would it?

Is Shia LaBeouf returning?

Jesus Christ, Exec. I’m not completely f*cking nuts!

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

DONALD TRUMP WELCOMES INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – Donald Trump has welcomed the news that Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford are getting together to make Indiana Jones 5.

Donald Trump told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that Indiana Jones 5 will make America ‘great again.’

It’s already happening. I have not even won the presidential nomination nor the election but you can already get a foretaste of what America will be like.  My only concern is that Mr. Spielberg and Mr. Ford will not be able to recreate the brilliance of Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, because that was truly marvelous. That was – in my opinion – the best of the bunch.

The star of The Apprentice also called for a change however in the film making team.

Yes, it would be good to have the old team back together again, but I truly believe that this venture is so important that perhaps Steven Spielberg should step to one side and allow George Lucas to direct. George Lucas is the man with the ideas and I believe he would be perfect in bringing to the screen an Indiana Jones for Trump’s America.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2019.