JAMES BOND SNIPER SPEAKS OUT

HOLLYWOOD – Talking EXCLUSIVELY for the first time, James Bond sniper Arthur Whistle spills the beans on his job.

Arthur Whistler is in every James Bond movie though you’ve never seen his face. He’s the sniper who has followed the pacing secret agent that began every film except Dr No. This is an extract from his autobiography License to Be Shot.

I began working at Elstree in 1964 just after I got out of the library. I knew Maurice Binder from his brother who was a wall hanger. In those days walls weren’t built from the ground up but were hung on hooks. And he did that. Maurice said to me ‘How do you fancy shooting someone Wednesday?’ I was free so I took the job. It was supposed to be Sean Connery, but he couldn’t be arsed, so tried to shoot the stunt double. I was all set up. Maurice had his camera aligned using mirrors so he could get a view right down the gun barrel. But then at the last minute the blighter swiveled and shot directly at me. I was so surprised I got a nose bleed and the blood ran down the camera lens. Maurice was not a very forgiving man and swore extravagantly at me. Yet when I went to see Dr No, they’d kept the blood in. 

Different Bonds, James Bonds.

We didn’t film a new sequence for every movie. But we did re-do it when there was a new Bond and Sean Connery finally pulled his finger out to do one. Each time Maurice swore that I’d be able to get a shot away and yet each time it was I that got shot. It became a bit of a game. Roger Moore practiced his hip swivel for days. Timothy Dalton came from the theatre so he alway projected! Pierce Brosnan was Irish so he spent half the day facing in the wrong direction. Because he was Irish. That is to say stupid.

Daniel Craig.

Now we have Daniel Craig and he’s very modern and gritty, but he’s also very sweet. When he came in to film his sequence, he brought jam doughnuts for everyone. The crew and everyone. I’m 91 now so I do tend to shake a little and my memory isn’t what it used to be. I told him that I was sorry about making him do it again and again and then someone realized I’d put live rounds in the rifle. I always do, I told them. For realism. Daniel was a bit upset. And I didn’t get a second jam doughnut.

License to Be Shot is released on Amazon and is available in all good book stores.

ALAN ALDA RULES HIMSELF OUT OF JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – The rumors have reached a peak intenstity but Alan Alda gave what seemed like the definitive answer today: he would not under any circumstances be playing James Bond, 007.

With Daniel Craig’s tenure as the most famous British secret agent comes to a close, his replacement is becoming a hot ticket of discussion, but one name that was until now leading the pack has seen fit to rule himself out. Alan Alda told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he would not be playing the role even if it were offered him.

It is always very flattering to hear yourself considered for a role but I believe it is unfair to an actor who is still playing that role to talk about it. However, such has been the furore and speculation, I feel it’s only right for me to come out and say without any equivocation that I will not be playing 007, James Bond either now or any time in the future.

But why?

Several reasons. First of all I’m not British and I believe that being British, or Irish in the case of Pierce Brosnan is kind of important. An American won’t get it. Shouldn’t even try. Look at what happened when they went with George Lazenby the Australian. It was a disaster.

I see. 

And the other reason is I just think I’m too old for the role.

Oh come on.

No, I know. The role has always called for a more mature actor, but I’m 80 and the role is very physical. I’m pretty fit but essentially .

Alan Alda will be appearing as Jason Bourne in The Bourne Nap.

JAMES BOND ROYAL RUMBLE FOR COMIC RELIEF















LONDON – In what’s set to be the greatest 30 minutes in television history. All the actors who have played James Bond are set to battle each other in the ring in aid of Comic Relief.

Connery, Lazenby, Moore, Dalton, Brosnan and Craig will all take part in the no holds barred contest with the winner taking the coveted ‘King of The Bonds’ belt and raising a chunk of change for lepers and orphans in the process.

Hulk Hogan has signed on to guest referee the bout and he admits he is salivating at the prospect of marshalling the squared circle.

Let me tell you brother. The immortal Hulk Hogan has been in the ring with the greats. Andre the Giant, The Ultimate Warrior, Jake the Snake Roberts; but when I see Sean Conney jumping off the top turnbuckle to elbow drop Roger Moore. I know It’s going to be the best day of the Hulksters life”


The Bond’s are being trained by former wrestler and Ex governor of Minnesota Jesse ‘The Body’ Ventura who admits he is impressed by how committed they have been to the task.


Lazenby is an animal he’s been lifting weights 26 hours a day and he’s always the first man on the training mats and the last man to leave. I wasn’t sure about Brosnan he was body slammed by Dalton, there was blood coming out of his nose and he came over to me to complain. I said “Hey, Remington Steele. You ain’t got time to bleed!”. Since then he’s knuckled down but the smart money is on Moore. You can’t hit what you can’t catch and Roger is as slippery as an eel that just fell into a bath of olive oil.”


Unfortunately latest reports have suggested that some contestants might be taking the match too seriously after Craig took to Twitter this morning claiming Connery is using performance enhancing drugs.

The shit I saw him inject would kill ten Lance Armstrong’s” said an obviously angry Craig.

The bout will take place on March 31st at Madison Square Gardens. Ticket’s are on sale now.

ON HER MAJESTY’S SECRET SERVICE BLU-RAY STARS CONNERY

LONDON – To celebrate James Bonds’ birthday celebrations and to coincide with the imminent release of Skyfall, United Artists are re-releasing the 1969 007 On Her Majesty’s Secret Service on blu-ray, but with one major difference: George Lazenby will be replaced by a CGIed Sean Connery.

Peter Hunt’s film has long been considered one of the best Bond films despite the presence of one of the least convincing Bonds. Australian wide boy George Lazenby conned his way into the role by turning up to the audition dressed entirely in broccoli.

‘Cubby was flattered and Harry was hungry,’ says Lazenby, whose name is German for ‘painfully irrelevant’.

Sean Connery – who was in a dispute with the producers and had abandoned the series to play more serious roles like Zardoz – apparently played the whole role for friends and that footage has been digitally altered and then CGIed onto Lazenby’s feckless body.

The New Sean Connery version of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service will be released on blu-ray Tuesday.