GEORGE CLOONEY TO PLAY DEL BOY IN ONLY FOOLS AND HORSES REBOOT

HOLLYWOOD – George Clooney cast as Del Boy in Hollywood version of Only Fools and Horses.

The news rocked the film world today that George Clooney is to star in the Hollywood version of the classic BBC comedy Only Fools and Horses. A remake has been in the works for years but many thought it would never see the light of day after Warner Bros cancelled Ridley Scott’s five hour version. Mr Nespresso – as he prefers to be known – talked exclusively with the Studio Exec:

The thing is that in England you want to play Hamlet. Every actor does. Because that’s the role. That’s the role where you prove how good you are. Del Boy is exactly that kind of role. To be honest we used to watch Only Fools and Horses when we on set shooting ER and I would always say: Christ, if only… Me and Anthony Edwards would memorizes whole routines. And we’d just go. So this is a dream come true for me.

George Clooney is also taking the director’s chair hoping that this time he’ll win back some of the credibility he lost with Midnight Sky, and Monuments Men, and Leatherheads. The original series starred David Jason as the London conman and wide boy who makes his money with a thousand dodgy schemes, helped by his hapless younger brother Rodney.

Clooney was all over the casting like a rash.

Casting Rodney is the most important thing. Yes, Del Boy is the star, but without a Rodney to match him. What Nicholas Lyndhurst did with that role…! I mean, we all love Goodnight Sweetheart, but compared to Rodney it was like a puddle of sick versus a chicken korma. Luckily Brad Pitt loved the script.

Only Fools and Horses The Motion Picture hits screens in 2022.

MATT DAMON ATE PANDA MEAT

The Studio Exec breaks the shocking news Matt Damon ate Panda meat. The Ocean’s 13 star Matt Damon ate panda meat first while filming the action fantasy The Great Wall in China, and he doesn’t care who knows it.


We spoke to Matt recently while he publicized his upcoming all action construction-based TV blockbuster show, The Bourne Condominium.

 

Matt, tell us what The Bourne Condominium will be about?

It’s like this see, Jason Bourne has finally retired from all that spy shit and running about. He’s made his money and decides to build his dream condo. It has everything you could want. It’s the fucking tits, the cat’s ass. It has a hot tub, panda grill, walk-in wardrobe, under floor heating and an outdoor Tiki bar. So he starts off by buying the land-

 

Just one second Matt. What did you say?

Whassup?

 

Did you say, Panda grill?

Uh-huh. Sure.

 

Is Panda Grill a company name?

No man. It’s part of my cooker. The part I use to grill my Panda meat.

 

Are you telling us that Matt Damon ate Pandas?

Why does everyone always ask me that question with that look on their face? Look, it’s perfectly simple. When I was filming The Great Wall in China, I was given a VIP tour of a Panda sanctuary. I hadn’t had my Golden Grahams or Fruit Loops that morning and I was starving. The head keeper started telling me about how they feed them on bamboo and sugar cane. That got me thinking, if they eat all that sugar cane, their meat must be really sweet and tender. I’m salivating now just saying it.

 

 

What happened after that?

I asked the keeper of I could have something to eat, I gave him a wink and he knew what I meant. One AK-47 and a good panda grill later, I was eating like a king. So now, I gotta guy down in Florida who scores me top grade Panda meat. All my friends love it. George, Brad, Kristen and even Gwynny. They love nothing more than coming over for a good grill-up.

(L to R) Matt, George and Brad – Meat Heads

 

Do they know they’re eating butchered endangered species?

Umm, yeah, why not? I’m pretty sure I mentioned it to them. Once, maybe. Who knows? Look, if you get invited over to someone’s home for dinner and they go to the effort of illegally importing endangered species meat, then it would be a bit rude to start asking questions about it. It ain’t easy cooking Panda y’know. If it’s too rare, it’s all rubbery. Cook it for too long and it’s like shoe leather. You got to have it medium-rare. Mmm, pandalicious.

 

Ok, I think we’re done here. Thank you for your time Matt.

No worries man. You hungry? You can stay for dinner, if you want.

 

Umm, yeah alright then.

OSCAR NOMINATIONS ANNOUNCED EARLY

HOLLYWOOD – This year’s Oscar nominations have been announced early.

In yet another Exec exclusive, we break the Oscar nominations announced early AF bro. The nominees are:


Best Picture:

What The Fuck Was That About? (Charlie Kaufman – Netflix)
We Only Remember The White Guys (Aaron Sorkin – Netflix)
Token Animated Film (Pete Docter & Kemp Powers – Disney Pixar)
The Annual Frances McDormand Oscar Bait (Chloe Zhao – Highwayman Films)
Cold Sad Beard (George Clooney – Netflix)
Kinda Korean Film Because Parasite Won Last Year (Lee Isaac Chung)

Best Actor:

George Clooney (Cold Sad Beard)
Gary Oldman (Load Of Old Mank)
Riz Ahmed (I Learned The Drums And Everything)
Delroy Lindo (Don’t Piss Spike Off Again)
Stanley Tucci (British Set Oscar Bait)
Colin Firth (British Set Oscar Bait)


Best Actress:

Frances McDormand (The Annual Frances McDormand Oscar Bait)
Meryl Streep (The Prom: Because Glee Was A Thing)
Kate Winslet (Period Drama – Tick, Kate Winslet – Tick, LGBTQ Storyline – Tick: We Have A Winner!)
Angela Bassett (Animated – Nope, Black Female – Hell No, She’s How Old And Not Meryl Streep? Forget It)
Elisabeth Moss (Take Your Pick, She Aint Winning Shit)
Rashida Jones (Doesn’t Matter, It’s Directed By Sophia Coppola)

Best Director:

Spike Lee (We Promise This Time)
Spike Lee (Honestly, You’ll Win)
Sophia Coppola (Do You Know Who My Dad Is?)
Spike Lee (Don’t Hurt Me)
Spike Lee (And The Oscar Goes To)
George Clooney (Cold Sad Beard – But He Is White So…)

The Oscars are due to be hosted this year by Bill Cosby. So no issues there.

VENICE DIARY DAY 1

VENICE – The 74th Venice Film Festival is underway.

Day One of the Venice Film Festival and the sound of hammers striking wood and the smell of fresh paint is everywhere on the Lido. The place looks a lot better. The Lovecraftian hole that had been a feature of the festival for the last few years has been filled in. The toxic materials have been transported to Austria where even now Michael Haneke is transforming them into what he likes to call ‘comedy’.

The next ten days have a lot to recommend them but here are some highlights.

  • George Clooney will be directing a movie with Matt Damon called ‘It’s Not Monument Men’
  • Alexander Payne has a new film with Matt Damon called ‘It’s Not the Informant’
  • Darren Aronofsky has come out of retirement with a film that radically doesn’t star Matt Damon
  • There’ll be a film from Denmark that will be brilliant but no one will ever see outside of the festival and Denmark

For more on the Venice Film Festival, come right back here.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BRANGELINA

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news of the break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt, we ask what do we really know about Brangelina?

The Studio Exec has delved into the laundry basket of public opinion once more, to uncover the true FACTS about Angelina Jolie Pitt and Brad Pitt. AKA Brangelina.

1 Brangelina are actually two people: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt. Not one person.

2 The name is the conflation of their two first names: Brad and Angelina. By taking the first two/three letters of Brad and morphing them with all or all but one of the letters of Angelina, you get Brangelina though it is still a matter of much debate who the ‘a’ belongs to.

3 They originally got together while filming Mr and Mrs Smith. A film about a couple who unbeknownst to each other are actually assassins who rekindle their marriage by trying to kill each other. I’m not saying anything but the answer might be right in front of your faces.

4 Brangelina does not include George Clooney, although George Clooney does make up one third of Geoddatt, the triumvirate of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. This trio have not captured the imaginations to the same extent.

5 Jennifer Aniston is a woman who is getting on with her life and has been doing so quite happily for years, but is undoubtedly delighted to be a meme once more.

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON EARNS MORE THAN $100 A DAY

HOLLYWOOD – Avengers star Scarlett Johansson makes more than a $100 a day, the Studio Exec has learned.

The blockbusting star Scarlett Johansson earns more than $100 a day and perhaps substantially more, according to reports. Having made two successful movies this year, The Jungle Book and Captain America: Civil War Johansson has seen her income, which was already high, rise considerably.

Our resident accountant Xavier Poulis reports:

Scarlett Johansson is the highest earning female star ever and although I don’t have the exact figures, it’s definitely more than $100  a day, or a minute, one of the two. She definitely got enough money to buy herself a car and probably a house, though she might need a mortgage. She should have no problem getting one. If she walks into a shop and sees something she likes, chances are she can just buy it without having to worry about it. A round of drinks or treating someone to lunch at an inexpensive cafe shouldn’t be a problem though she’ll probably not want to be too ostentatious as that will just encourage hangers on.

Other stars like George Clooney, Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt also earn about $1000 plus a week.

CANNES DIARY. DAY 1 AND 2

CANNES – A diary from the dirty side of the Croissette at the 69th Cannes Film Festival.

Look seriously I cannot be bothered to be sitting down and writing these Cannes diaries when I’ve spent the whole day trying to get Jodie Foster’s Beaver out of the conversation. This is the 69th Cannes film festival isn’t it? Everybody screamed as we headed away from the Marriott and toward the Palais du Cinema. Security is so tight right now that the Gendarmes are not letting anyone in with bottled water because of the great bottled water bomb of 1987. Memories are long in this town, except for pederasty.

There was a series of weird jokes during the opening ceremony. Two or three homophobic ones and something about Woody Allen not being prosecuted for rape. I mean weird because I didn’t make them. They were all the work of some French comedian. But any complaints about French comedy should be addressed to the fact that the French love Jerry Lewis. And there I rest my case.

Ken Loach is skipping around town in a tight gold lame gown. He’s prepping the new Sex and the City movie, I, Carrie which is creating tons of buzz. Likewise Jodie Foster’s amazing film Money Monster manages to make us feel sorry for George Clooney again because he has too much sex and money.  By the way the film is a complete disgrace. It’s actually evil. Not only does it whitewash (and I mean it in the old sense now) the financial crisis and more or less blame the victims and one bad apple despite all the evidence to the contrary, but it also has zero tits. And I mean none.

Tomorrow I’m going for a party on a yacht with Orlando Bloom and Iggy Pop. I’ve told them to wear name tags.

47 FILMS: 22. STALKER

In our continuing series of ’47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’ we look at Andrei Tarkovsky’s slapstick comedy Stalker.

A meteorite has hit the Earth creating a Zone in which there is a Room in which your deepest wish may or may not come true. Two men – a writer and a scientist – are guided by a ‘Stalker’ through the dangers of the Zone, which may or may not exist, via a series of game like rituals which may or may not help. And it might all be inside the head of a little girl, the Stalker’s daughter, called ‘Monkey’. Or not.

Tarkovsky is probably most familiar to Western audience as the guy who made that film with George Clooney set in space, but before that he made some interesting films in Russian! Don’t let that scare you. Well, actually do. Tarkovsky didn’t give a shit. Working in Soviet Russia, his films were challenging, critical pieces of work – Ivan’s Childhood is a wonderful anti-war film, Andrei Rublev, his masterpiece, is about a fifteenth century Russian icon painter struggling with his faith and the brutality of the times (made in the USSR at the height of the Cold War remember). He actually wanted people to leave his film and when criticized by one apparatchik about being elitist told him there were only two people he wanted to please in the audience: himself and Ingmar Bergman. Take that, Proletariat Art!

Anyway, back to the Room in the Zone. Or maybe not. The whole point of the Room in the Zone is you can’t approach it directly and although it is supposed to be everything you always wanted, the ultimate McGuffin, the sad fact of the matter is perhaps we don’t really want everything we always wanted. Perhaps everything we always wanted is the last thing we want. Maybe it would be better if we just take naps in puddles and continue with the silly games which might or might not keep us safe.

Tarkovsky’s film is a darkly funny, brilliantly strange film which stupid people will find boring and other people (us, dear readers, us) will find so fascinating there’s a danger it’ll change your life. If that’s what you want.

For more 47 Films Click Here.

THE CLOONEY BIN 1

Dear George

 

I feel I’m being pigeon-holed. For years now I’ve played some of the greatest roles in cinematic history. I’m the envy of all my peers, every director wants to work with me and I’m probably the greatest actor of our time. The thing is what I really want to do is star in a Farrelly Brothers movie but they never send me their scripts and refuse to answer my calls. What should I do?
 
Daniel D. L.

Dear Daniel

 
I hear you brother but I’m afraid you may never get to fulfil your dream. The price of greatness is that people expect you to be consistently great. Anything less than a perfect performance in a worthy historical epic or political drama and the press will claim that you’re on the slide. Sure you want to spend a month playing the lead in a rom-com about two blind Siamese twins who accidentally have sex with their mother. Who doesn’t?
 
I’ve chased countless roles that I really wanted but lately I’m always losing out to either Jason Bateman or Jason Sudeikis. Hall Pass, Horrible Bosses, Movie 43. I campaigned for parts in all of them but I never got a look in. Hell I begged Seth Gordon on my hands and knees to give me the lead in Four Christmases but he said “F*ck you Clooney. I want Vince Vaughn.”.
 
The constant rejection is tough Dan and people just don’t understand. They think just because you’re constantly winning awards, working with talented directors and gaining the respect and admiration of every living soul that you’ll feel fulfilled!
 
I think it’s high time we both accepted that we will never get the roles we really want. Though saying that, I know that every time I catch Hot Tub Time Machine 2 on TV I’ll shed a tear and remember the day when the director laughed in my face at the audition, tore up my resume and gave the part to Adam Scott.
 
Some wounds never heal Daniel. Some wounds never heal…

MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY TO BOX STARVING AFRICANS FOR CHARITY

HOLLYWOOD – Man of the moment, star of True Detective, Mud and The Dallas Buyer’s Club, Matthew McConaughey has announced he is going to box starving Africans in order to raise money for cat shelter charity called Purr-fect.

The Fool’s Gold star said:

Many’s the time I’ve been walking the streets of this here glorious nation, and of a sudden I see one of my little feline friends, eye a little weepy, leg a mite lame, and I’ve thought to myself if only there were homes for these little fellas. Goes a ways to making things right with the world. And then I discovered the Purr-Fect cat shelter. But they didn’t have much money and so I was talking to my good compadre George Clooney and he was going on and on about the Sudan and then it hit me like a bolt of clever. What if I boxed starving Africans for charity and we gave the money to the cats?

 But wouldn’t that be a terrible idea?

You are not the first to bring forth reservations. The way I see it a starving African doesn’t stand much of a chance against a red bloody Texican like me. So I’m willing to up the ante and fight three at a time – five tops. I’ll do anything for those doggone pussies. 

Where, when and how?

Early next year. The first bout will take place in Darfur. We’ll see how many Africans we can wrassle up. Despite his reservations, George seems mighty fired up now and is doing everything to expedite my voyage into the interior. In fact I wonder if he might have a dog in the fight. In  a manner of speaking. Har-har!

Matthew McConaughey Boxes Starving Africans for Cat Aid will be broadcast on HBO January 2016.  

JESUS, MOHAMMAD AND BUDDHA JOIN COLBERT FOR FIRST LATE SHOW

HOLLYWOOD – Three major religious leaders Jesus Christ, Mohammad and Buddha are to join Stephen Colbert for his premier week of hosting The Late Show on CBS.

Stephen Colbert said he was delighted that his tenure replacing David Letterman as host of The Late Show would get off to such an auspicious start.

I myself am a Catholic and deeply religious so to be joined by Jesus Christ will be a highlight for me. But I’m also interested in hearing the points of view of Mohammad and Buddha, who we managed to book at the last minute because he had nothing on.

What questions are you looking to ask them?

Look, I’m essentially an entertainer. When I was ‘Colbert’, I had license to be very satirical, but as myself I think I can still be entertaining but also perhaps ask some more serious and respectful questions. Particularly with Mohammad. There’s going to be very little joshing there.

How do you feel about your friend Jon Stewart also leaving his post?

I know Jon very well and have done for years. So I know that he is someone who is always eager to find new challenges. I can see him coming up with something really special. A new film or something like that. Frankly, I don’t think his stint on Fox & Friends will last very long. I see that as a kind of mouthwash before he goes on to do something else he really wants to do.

What other guests do you want to have on your show?

The first week of interfaith amazingness is going to be hard to beat, buit what I’m really looking forward to is the moment when the show just becomes a routine thing with people coming on to plug things and shoot the breeze. That kind of familiarity. It really is an amazing privilege.

Since this article was written NBC reported that Jesus, Mohammad and Buddha have been bumped for George Clooney, Amy Schumer and Elon Musk.  

 

DAVID O. RUSSELL DIGITALLY RECASTS THREE KINGS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the success of American Hustle and The Silver Linings Playbook, David O. Russell has announced that he is to digitally recast his old movies, beginning with Three Kings, with Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence and Robert deNiro.

Three Kings is expected to be only the first of several of Russell’s older works to get the treatment:

Spanking the Monkey and I Heart Huckabees are both films that I would love to see Bob, Bradley and Jen be a part of. They’re such great actors and now that I’ve got them digitally, who wouldn’t want them in your movie?

How did you get them digitally?

It’s a very technical process, but basically you just film them saying all the sounds in the phonetic alphabet and going through a routine of gestures and facial expressions. Was a time it would’ve taken years, but now we can do it in about half an hour. Jennifer Lawrence took seven minutes.

What about the ethics of replacing actors who have performed for you?

Oh, that isn’t a worry. They were paid for their work and if you want to see George Clooney in Three Kings, there’ll be old DVDs knocking around somewhere. But in this version it’s fresh faced Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence instead of Mark Wahlberg. How can you possibly object to that? Plus to create continuity I’m also going to do the Fighter with Jennifer taking over Wahlberg’s role and Bradley Cooper as Christian Bale’s part.

Three Kings: Redux will be released in 2016.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

CLICKBAIT: THE MOVIE TO STAR BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch is the latest star to sign up for Clickbait: the Movie, which combines the Marvel, DC and Star Wars universes featuring the music of One Direction.

The movie – directed by Twin Peaks director David Lynch and Steven Spielberg – is based on a George RR Martin‘s lost book in his Game of Thrones saga. The large cast features Scarlett Johansson, Kristen Stewart, Tom Hiddleston, Lindsay Lohan, Tom Hardy, Johnny Depp, Matthew McConaughey, Angelina Jolie, Michael Fassbender, Christian Bale, Jared Leto, Gywneth Paltrow and Brad Pitt. George Clooney is in talks but Bruce Jenner looks set to take on his role. The official synopsis reads:

Based on the life of Justin Bieber,  Miley Cyrus and the 5 most outrageous facts, you’ve ever heard about anything, Clickbait: the Movie was originally conceived when a twelve year old asked Noam Chomsky and Stephen Hawking what is the meaning of life. You won’t believe what happened next!

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and Rihanna! Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr!

ClickBait: The Movie will be released in 2018.

FIRST LOOK AT COEN BROTHERS’ HAIL, CAESAR!

HOLLYWOOD – The Coen Brothers new film starring George Clooney is not out until 2016 but the Studio Exec got an EXCLUSIVE first look at the film.

In the picture George Clooney can be seen playing Mark Antony opposite Channing Tatum as Caesar. The official synopsis reads:

 Mark Antony (George Clooney) is sent to Egypt by his best friend Julius Caesar (Channing Tatum) where he must negotiate on his behalf with the Egyptian Queen and Caesar’s former lover Cleopatra (Scarlett Johansson). A musical sex-comedy for all the family, featuring songs by Elton John and Karen O.

The movie is currently in production but voices from the set confirm that it seems to be taking its inspiration from the most successful entry in the classic British comedy series Carry On Cleo. Although not billed as a remake, reports suggest that the Coens have been wanting to make a Carry On film for decades. Insider George Clooney told The Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY and on condition of anonymity:

Both Joel and Ethan are huge Carry On nuts. Almost all of their films begin from a Carry On film and then kind of change of they go. The working title of Fargo was Carry On Wood Chipping. The Big Lebowski was called Carry On Toking. And No Country for Old Men was originally entitled Carry On Stealing Money from Mexican Drug Cartels. Amazing. I’ve even seen the original posters when the film still had that title. Worth a pretty penny these days.

Hail, Caesar! will be released in February, 2016.