BREAKING NEWS – Matt Damon stopped shitting in public when his daughter told him to.

After his daughter told him shitting in the streets was not the done thing, Matt Damon has recently stopped defecating in public. In an exclusive interview with The Exec, Matt sat down to explain why he no longer drops the kids off kerbside.


So Matt, we understand your daughter has been educating you?

Yeah. Can you believe it? First she told me I can’t use the F word anymore because it’s ‘homophobic’ and then she says I can’t shit in the streets anymore. I mean, what the fuck?


I’m pretty sure Matt Damon or anyone shouldn’t be shitting in public anywhere.

Get the fuck out of here. Are you serious? What a pity. I love nothing more than dropping my pants and letting nature take over wherever the hell I am. George and Brad swear by it. They’ll tell you themselves, it’s helped make their careers. And it sure as shit made mine.


How the hell can taking a dump in public be good for your career?

It’s a real power move. I was once negotiating with Scorsese over my fee for The Departed. His people did not want to budge on the numbers. So I said, ‘Let’s go for a walk’. As soon as we were out on the streets in Bel Air, I dropped my pants and BOOM! I shat all over the sidewalk as I looked them in the eye. I got 5 points on the back end. And they got my back end right there in front of them.



You said it man. How do you think I keep getting all these lead roles? Talent? Hah! No way. Everyone is literally shit-scared of me. How do you like them brown apples? Good Will Dumping, hah!


Stillwater is currently in theatres.


It’s a toss up between 12 Angry Men and The Descendants. 12 Angry Menbecause it’s a moral masterpiece that is pretty much as perfect as film making gets. As for The Descendants, I’ll have to come clean here and admit that it came about as result of a bet between Alex Payne and I that we could make a terrible movie and yet dumbass critics would fall over themselves to praise its genius.

Let’s start with the directing. Pedestrian at best. The script. Tedious. obvious crap and don’t even get me started on the acting. Okay I was trying to be bad but I was shocked that I can sink that low. I even got a little depressed about it and considered seeing a therapist, but, after a hot cup of Nespresso (available now from all quality retailers), my anguish was relieved by a sudden injection of delicious liquid caffeine. Some believe there’s a conflict of interests between my work with poverty stricken children in Darfur and my decision to take money from an alleged baby killing, water stealing, slave labor endorsing company like Nestle; all I can say to that is, hey, talk to my agent.

Anyway back to the diabolical Descendants. Todd McCarthy of the Hollywood Reporter called it “A splendid Comedy-drama”. No Todd. No. Lay off the crack. Peter Bradshaw of the Guardian said it “…holds a promise of gentleness that is fulfilled, and a promise of complexity that isn’t.” Utter gibberish but my personal favorite review came from Nigel Andrews of the Financial Times who exclaimed “The saving notes are the film’s minutiae. There are dialogue moments in Payne’s drollest, enemies-on-edge style.”. You know I have no f*cking idea what he’s talking about but I’m 100% certain it’s bulls*it.

We were pleased that we fooled the critics but when the awards started coming in, it just got embarrassing. Alex and I had planned to make a trilogy of bad films and we’d started working on the second, a real piece of crap, but we both got waylaid with other projects so I handed the film over to Ben Affleck and that’s the story of how Argo was conceived.