NEW MEXICO – The Natalie Portman film Jane Got a Gun has run into further difficulties after it was revealed that not only has director Lynne Ramsay and stars, Michael Fassbender and Jude Law walked out on the film, but so has Joel Edgerton, Bradley Cooper, Jake Gyllenhaal and Guy Pearce. Next week will see the departure of Tobey Maguire and Noah Emmerich. Bruce Willis is negotiating a possible role in time to walk out on it sometime over the weekend. Ernest Borgnine – although reported to have left the project – is in fact dead, such was his disgust with the shambles, and so cancelled any possibility of involvement. Producer Scott Steindorff said that he was ‘very disappointed about Ernest Borgnine in particular, but this is a story that needs to be told and we are going to tell it.’

Gavin O’Connor – the director brought in to replace Ramsay – also reported that he was no longer prepared to work Tuesdays or Thursday ‘and obviously not the weekend’. Meanwhile, Natalie Portman has announced that she was only staying because to leave after Bradley Cooper left would be ‘sending out the wrong message.’

Cast awaits departure

Among the crew, the gaffer is long gone, the lighting crew is basically an intern with a light app on his phone, the catering staff are picking their noses and the accountants are stuffing money into bags which have helpfully been labelled ‘swag’. Further defections are also respected from Matt Damon, Ben Stiller, Robin Williams, Marty Feldman, Frank Sinatra, Bridget Bardot, Jack Black, Paul Rudd, Steve Buscemi, Stephen Tobolowsky, Ralph Fiennes, Seth Green, Robert Downey Jr, Martin Jarvis, Judy Davis, Judi Dench, Judy Garland and Leonard Nimoy.