PARIS – It has been decided by the European Union that all French films will now be made in English in order to avoid ‘critical bias’.

The ruling came after years of complaints that, as Swiss critic Xavier Poulis argues, a lot of French ‘films were getting a free ride from Anglophone critics who go ga-ga over the Je ne sais quoi.’

And it’s not just the French films that get a free ride. The actors as well are considered amazing just because they can speak French. Look at Vincent Cassel. He’s got a face like a builder’s elbow. If that guy came from Des Moines, he’d be lucky to get a job as Heavy no. 5 in Walker Texas Ranger. But he has a French accent, and he speaks French so he has a long film career and marries Monica Bellucci. It just isn’t fair.

The judge in the European Court which brought the decision issued a statement saying:

France has a proud tradition of beautiful cinema from the nouvelle vague to Gerard Depardieu, but now a lot of it is frankly toilette and by having the films produced in English we will more readily discern this.

Although there have been some muted protests from the French artistic community, it is understood that the more commercially minded French film makers actually support the law. Luc Besson, Gasper Noé and Francois Ozon all blew that beguilingly irritating raspberry that translates as ‘whatever’.

The law will go into immediate effect and the first French film to be effected will be Asterix and the Large Teutonic Tube, due for release in 2016.


HOLLYWOOD – Rubber-faced funny man, Jim Carrey, has signed on to voice the role of Bugs Bunny in Gasper Noé’s much anticipated Looney Tunes movie, Silence of the Wabbits.

“I’ve never seen Jim so committed,” said his agent Peter Bond:

He’s eaten nothing but carrots for the last three months and although he’s so starved of protein his internal organs have began to cannibalize themselves, he can see clearly in the dark up to a distance of 6 kilometres.

The Silence of The Wabbits screenplay was written by former crack addict turned stand-up comedian Robert Rand and he promises a darker take on the loveable cartoon character.

“Bugs Bunny is essentially a sadist,” said an animated Rand:

He degrades, humiliates and inflicts pain on everyone he comes into contact with. The likes of Elmer Fudd, and Daffy Duck are victims of psychological warfare but rather than sympathize with them, we are manipulated into rooting for Bugs. We take pleasure in his cruelty and if that’s not a damning indictment of the human condition, I don’t know what is.

Inspired by Thomas Harris’ acclaimed novel Silence of Lambs, Bugs will star as the evil Dr Hannibal Lettuce who teams up with Agent Clarence Canary (Tweetie Pie) to catch renown serial killer Gruffalo Bill (Yosemite Sam).

“It’s a brutal tale and Gasper has sworn that all of the graphic violence in the script will make it onto the screen,” said Rand:

I thought he might cut the scene when Dr Lettuce cooks the Roadrunner’s brains and serves them up to a salivating Wile E. Coyote but that’s definitely in. As for what happens to Porky Pig, all I’ll say is it’s going to convert a lot of people to Judaism.

Silence of The Wabbits is due for release in 2018.


LONDON – Gaspar Noé has confirmed he has signed on to direct a remake of Richard Curtis’2009 pirate radio film The Boat That Rocked.

The original was a light-hearted and sporadically amusing look at a period when a motley crew of English Radio DJs illegally broadcast pop music from a ship in The North Sea but in light of recent revelations, the remake will contain much darker themes.

“Curtis’ film contained numerous tongue in cheek references to the attempted sexual assault of minors,” said Noé.

The English upper classes have always regarded child abuse as something of a lark. I think it’s because they regard Greek and Roman culture as being the height of civilisation and back then the aristocracy buggered anything that breathed oxygen. However the Jimmy Saville case and the arrest of other Radio DJs from that period has exposed their fetish for teen flesh to the general public and because of this, the originals attempt at dealing with these issues in a vaguely comical way seems even more ridiculous. I plan to use the skeleton of the script but to tell a very different story.

Noé went on to outline what changes he plans to make.

Well first I’ll get rid of the comedy which isn’t difficult as it’s a deeply unfunny film to begin with. Then I’ll add the necessary harrowing scenes, taking inspiration from the likes of Straw Dogs and my own picture Irreversible. As for the rest, I’m going to film it in black and white with a cast of unknowns and change the title from The Boat That Rocked to Rape Ship.

Rape Ship is due for release in 2014.


Disney confirmed this morning that Gaspar Noè’s violent drama Irreversible is to be made into a feature length animated musical.

It’s been over ten years since the original and I thought it was time for an update,” said an animated Noè.

The first idea was to remaster the original and add 3D but the test footage we shot caused many members of our  audience to experience severe psychological trauma. At least two of them gouged out their own eyes and another had to be permanently sedated because she can’t stop screaming.

Noè admitted that after his experience with the test audience he considered throwing in the towel. Luckily he was browsing the internet one morning looking for cup cake recipes when he stumbled upon a series of storyboards for an animated version of Irreversible.

They had been designed by a man called Edvar Cummings he had drawn all the panels, written the music. It was a complete piece of work and all it needed was someone like me to bring his vision to the big screen.

Noè went about finding Cummings to secure the rights to his idea only to discover he had been incarcerated in the Maudsley Psychiatric hospital in London for the last 8 years for killing his mother, sexually assaulting her corpse and attempting to order a Happy Meal at his local McDonald’s restaurant wearing her face.

His mistake was asking for his burger without gherkins. By the time the staff had managed to arrange that the police had arrived.

It was left to Edgar Cummings, Edvar’s brother and last surviving relative to complete the deal with Noè.

Edgar is a strange, eccentric man. He’s the only person in recorded history to have two beards at the same time.

Noe said he is excited about starting work on the film. Especially since all of the original cast have agreed to return and voice their characters.

You wait until you hear Vincent Cassel sing ‘I’m going to beat you to death with this f*cking fire extinguisher’. It will bring tears to your eyes.


HOLLYWOOD – The eagerly awaited film version of T. J. Hooker has been green lit, with William Shatner attached to reprise the role of the plain clothes policeman who, on the death of his partner, returns to the beat as a uniformed sergeant.

The 83 year old Canadian actor – who came to fame playing Captain James T. Kirk in the space opera Star Trek – played Thomas Jefferson Hooker for a total of five seasons and some fans –  who prefers to be called T.J. Prostitutes – rate his performance as Hooker as superior to his more famous role as the Master and Commander of the USS Enterprise.

‘Captain Kirk is Bill’s Hamlet,’ says Joy Saklbert. ‘T.J. is his King Lear.’

A scene from the film

Concerns have been expressed that the role of Hooker might be too athletic for the elderly actor, but director Gaspar Noè argues this is not the case. ‘The opening sequence where we see Hooker running full pelt toward the camera,’ he says. ‘We do that but Shatner will be on a Segue. In fact, he’ll be on a Segue for pretty much the whole film except when he has to go up the stairs and then he’ll be on a stair lift.’

T.J. Hooker: The Motion Picture will be released in 2016.