HOLLYWOOD – Horror maestro and Mr. Eyebrows 1997, Eli Roth today announced that Green Inferno was but the first in a ‘Three Colors Trilogy’, in imitation of Krzysztof Kieslowski’s famous Three Colors Trilogy.

Eli Roth, director of Hostel and Cabin Fever, revealed today that his latest film – The Green Inferno – is just part one of a projected Three Colors Trilogy. Slipping into the Studio Exec Bungalow ealry this morning, he sat in the dark watching us sleep before announcing his presence.

The first film is of course The Green Inferno, partly because of the green of the rainforest and also because of the ecology, the politics of the young people who go there and find themselves embroiled in a terrible fight for survival as they are beset by cannibals. The second film in the trilogy is going to be The Blue Inferno. Here, we have some oceanographers who are researching the famous plastic bottle island. Again there is a sense of environmental responsibility but now it is a group of mutants who attack them and rend their flesh. The twist here is that the mutants were originally extras working on Kevin Reynolds Waterworld, starring Kevin Costner, who were left behind when the movie wrapped and went feral.

What about the third film?

The third film is going to be called The Red Inferno.

Ah! Because of blood?

No, because it is going to be set on Mars. A group of ecologists are taking it to the next level. They are worried about not only saving the planet but saving all planets. Worried abvout a spike in temperatures on the planet Mars they travel there in an attempt to draw attention to global warming on Mars. But unfortunately they are captured by Tim Robbins and Gary Sinise who are still there following Brian dePalma’s tragic Mission to Mars.


I know.

And how does this tie in to Kieslowski’s Three Colors Trilogy?

Kieslowski has been an influence on my whole career. Look at Hostel: Part 2 and you’ll see it’s basically a remake of A Short Film About Killing. I always wanted to match the maestro’s breadth, but until now I was unable to find the subject matter that would suit such scope, but now with Green Inferno, Blue Inferno and Red Inferno, I think I’ve got it.

The Green Inferno is on general release.


BAGHDAD – Gary Sinise has finally been pulled out of Iraq, over two years after the last US troops left. Mr. Sinise was in Iraq entertaining the troops when the withdrawal happened but he was not informed.

‘I was out of the loop, I guess,’ said a tired Mr. Sinise, on arriving at LAX this morning.

But an anonymous veteran said that – although troops appreciated the actor’s work for veteran charities – they had become ‘heartily tired of his endless entertaining.’

His bass lines are just insipid and all that gung-ho stuff gets wearisome fast. He was doing a bass solo and we just kind of sneaked out and left him to it. He had his eyes closed because he was in the zone.

The Pentagon denied that Mr. Sinise had been deliberately left behind. A spokesman also denied that he was to be redeployed to North Korea where he would join Chuck Norris as part of an ‘Artistic Task Force’.


Gary big bottom Sinise

DUBLIN – Three time Oscar winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis has embarked on a new career as a rock vocalist assembling a Celebrity Rock Super Group called Class Actors.

‘I don’t play an instrument or write my own material,’ said the famously happy actor. ‘But I do like to rock out and let my hair down and I play a pretty mean air guitar.’

Russell the Muscle
Smooth operator Eastwood
Mr. Perlman

Kevin Spacey is learning to play the drums, Gary Sinise is on bass, Russell Crowe on acoustic guitar and backing vocals, Clint Eastwood is tickling the ivories and Denzel Washington and Danny DeVito are making up the horn section.

Preacher man

Daniel Day Lewis commented:

I got the idea from Kevin Bacon who has had a band for ages but they’re absolutely gash. We’re going into the studio and we’re going to do a whole bunch of rock classics that reflect our careers. 

What songs do you have lined up?

Smoke on the Water, Stairway to Heaven, Wild Boys by Duran Duran, Take on Me by A-Ha, Living on a Prayer, The Eye of the Tiger, Drop Kick me Jesus (Through the Goalpost of Heaven). That one’s for Gary. Two Tribes and we’re toying around with Bruce Willis.

You’re going to do one of his songs?

No, we just keep telling him the wrong practice rooms and he turns up and waits for ages. It’s hilarious. 

Will Class Act be performing live?

Definitely. We’re booked for the Anchor Inn on the 23rd.  

Class Act are playing at the Anchor Inn on the 23rd.