NORTH BY NORTHWEST REMAKE GREENLIT

HOLLYWOOD – Hot on the tails of the To Catch A Thief remake announcement, Hollywood once again proves you can’t have too much of a good thing. Paramount Studios have announced the creation of the Hitchcock Extended Universe. The next film will be a North By Northwest remake to star Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer. The Exec spoke with Denise Fahrtknocker, Head of PR at Paramount about the North By Northwest remake.

Denise, What Gave You The Idea To Remake Such Beloved Classics?

Money. We were sat around in our gold-lined giant hot tub in Malibu worrying that we didn’t have enough cash because it’ll be months before Tom shits out another Mission Impossible. It was then after several Martinis and lines of coke that the idea hit me. Hitchcock! We can cash in on Hitchcock.

Aren’t You Worried A North By Northwest Remake Has Little Artistic Value?

Artistic what? You talk real funny for someone who’s so fucking poor. Did you know that? Look, we don’t need artistic-whatever-the-fuck-you-said, because we got a great cast. They’re so talented and committed to the project, we think they’re going to surprise a lot of nay-sayers out there.

Who Are They?

Ryan Reynolds and Amy Schumer, that’s who. Ryan will be playing the Cary Grant role and Amy will play the Eva Marie Saint role. Sounds like dynamite, don’t it?

Who Will Play The Villains?

I’m glad you asked me that. We got Jesse Plemons in the Martin Landau role, because he’s kinda funny looking in his own way. And we got Alan Rickman playing the James Mason role. Who could be better to give us that mid-Atlantic, villainous charm? Nobody, that’s who.

But Alan Rickman Is Dead.

Yeah? Ok, fuck-it. We’ll get Gary Oldman. He’ll play any old villain as long as there’s enough green to be had. Who gives a shit.

The North By Northwest Remake Goes Into Production Shortly

DAVID FINCHER’S MANK SCREENPLAY LEAK

HOLLYWOOD – The screenplay for David Fincher’s Mank leaked on the internet yesterday.

Yesterday’s leak of David Fincher’s Mank screenplay sent shockwaves through the world. Everyone was like: ‘What the fuck is this?’ but only the Studio Exec has the cojones to actually publish any of it.

Here’s the opening:

EXT: ORSON WELLES’ BUNGALOW. LA. NIGHT

We go through the the gate then the window. Ominous music. 

INT: ORSON WELLES? BUNGALOW. LA. NIGHT

A man lies on the bed. It is Orson Welles. He is dying. CLOSE UP: Lips.

WELLES

(Whispering)

Se7en…. se7en. 

He knocks a snow globe to the floor and expires. CGI tracking shot into the snow globe. Title sequence. Music: DAFT PUNK.

CUT TO:

IN. SCREENING ROOM. DAY. 

Mank and Orson Welles are arguing. 

WELLES

I’ve read your screenplay Mank and I have to say it’s brilliant. 

MANK

Thank you.

WELLES

The serial killer who bases his murders on the seven deadly sins and the whole thing takes place in a week. Amazing work. 

MANK

That’s great Orson. When do we begin to shoot?

WELLES

We don’t.

MANK

We don’t? Why not?

WELLES

Because it is too good. How dare I make such a genre defining film? Me a mere a beginner. Someday a director will come along, a director who likes inserts and dour lighting and he will make this amazing film. 

MANK

Okay then, but Fight Club…

WELLES

Ditto on Fight Club I’m afraid. And The Game. 

MANK

There’s this F. Scott Fitzgerald story I’ve been to look at.

WELLES

No I need something that will fit my talents. Great, prodigious indeed, but not as great as  the director who will come and who knows? might even make a film of this our conversation. 

FADE TO BLACK:  

 

GARY OLDMAN DIRECTS KAJAGOOGOO BIOPIC

LEIGHTON BUZZARD – Gary Oldman is to direct his second feature film with a biopic of British Eighties pop group Kajagoogoo.

Too Shy represents a radical change in direction for Oldman, whose first film Nil By Mouth was a grimly realistic portrayal of domestic violence, starring Ray Winstone.

Ray Winstone returns, however, in the role of Limahl the egotistical lead singer of the group which had hits with ‘Ooh to Be Aaah’ and ‘Too Shy’ before exploding in an orgy of hair spray and recriminations. Jonah Hill will play bassist – and arch rival – Nick Beggs.

The Firm and Dracula actor explained exclusively to the Studio Exec:

The Eighties is a period that fascinates me. I first made a real name for myself playing Sid Vicious in Alex Cox’s Sid and Nancy. I wanted to go back to the Eighties and explore the rise and fall of the kind of one-hit-wonder group that was so prevalent in those days. Though I wanted something more epic. That’s why I went for Kajagoogoo, because they’re more like a two-hit-wonder. 

Ray Winstone seems like an odd choice for Limahl. What made you offer him the part?

bow wow wow (Ray, far left)

Well, you say that but what you don’t know about Ray is he used to play keyboards for Bow Wow Wow and so he knows that world intimately. They kicked him out just after they released ‘Go Wild in the Country’ and he’s been very bitter about it. 

The film ends with Limahl leaving the band. Would you guys consider a sequel to follow Limahl’s solo career?

Wow. That would be a lot bigger in scope than I’m used to. Perhaps. I mean it could be a [sings] Never Ending Story-la-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-laaaaaaaa.


Too Shy is due to start filming this month.

GARY OLDMAN’S DRAMATIC WEIGHT LOSS CAUSES CONCERN

HOLLYWOOD – Dracula and Darkest Hour star Gary Oldman has appeared in public with an astonishing weight loss.

Friends of Sid and Nancy actor Gary Oldman has caused concern with his quick weight loss. One source close to the actor told the Studio Exec:

It isn’t quite at the intervention stage, but we’re worried. When we last saw him, in the Darkest Hour, he looked well out of shape. I mean fat, bald and grey. At death’s door practically. We didn’t recognize him. Then we saw him again recently and it was like FUCK! What the fuck happened to you? But you know Gary…

I do.

He was just like… chill.

We phoned Oldman up and asked him to talk truth to the EXEC. He said:

Oh, shit. I see what has happened here. People saw me in Churchill mode for Joe Wright’s movie and then they saw me at awards and what not, and they jumped to conclusions.

Cut the shit Oldman. What’s going on?

Pilates.

And that’s it?

Swear to God.

Darkest Hour is in cinemas right now.

 

 

FIRST IMAGE OF GARY OLDMAN AS WINSTON CHURCHILL IS ASTOUNDING

HOLLYWOOD – The first image of Gary Oldman as British Prime Minister Winston Churchill is astounding in its verisimilitude.

The new film – entitled The Darkest Hour – has begun filming and the first image of Oldman was released earlier this week. Anthony Eden who was close pals with the former war leader spoke to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s amazing. He’s not only captured the physical Winston, there’s also the glimmer in the eye. It is truly captivating. It’s like seeing my old mucker. Are you absolutely sure this isn’t just a picture of Winston Churchill?

The new film directed by Joe Wright and will also star Lily James, John Hurt and Ben Mendelsohn.

The Darkest Hour will be released in 2017.

WRITER OF TOP MOVIE SATIRE WEBSITE TOO DEPRESSED TO THINK UP A POST ABOUT BULLSHIT

HOLLYWOOD – The election result has depressed leading Hollywood journalist Chad Sternberger that he can’t think of a hilarious post for website The Studio Exec.

Donald Trump has been elected President and there ain’t nothing we can do about that shit. Forget any hope of the electoral college revolting or demonstrations in the street, or an impeachable crime being proved in the next 48 hours. January 20th Donald Trump will be inaugurated as the 45th President of the United States of America. Consequences with NATO, China, Russia, the environment, racial minorities, women, the LGBTQ community and the healthcare system are all important but even more so has been the disruption the tycoon’s election has also caused right here, at the Studio Exec bungalow. Chad Sternberger is usually a prodigious writer, spinning yarns from within the Hollywood miasma, reporting the latest buzz on the sly and coming up with hilarious quips, but it’s been two days we’ve not heard from him. He left his wordpress page open and so I dragged myself in to write a post under his byline.

I did manage to talk to him on the phone and he had this to say EXCLUSIVELY:

What’s the fucking point? Who gives a shit about Peter Jackson remaking Schindler’s List with orcs instead of Nazis? Who cares that Gary Oldman is playing Winston Churchill’s upper half while Daniel Day-Lewis is playing him from the waist down? It all seems so fricking meaningless now. Did you see who he’s appointing to the EPA? You know that the planet is basically Game Over? Right?

We tried to persuade Chad to come in but it looks like he needs some encouragement. After all, in these dark times we need movie-based satire more than ever before. Think how movie satire in Berlin in 1937 stopped the Nazis in their tracks. Not for long granted, but we didn’t have memes then so we could only do so much. Think of how movie based satire dismantled Apartheid and the Berlin Wall. How it put a man on the moon. Please share this post so we can show the numbers to Chad and make him realize that if he doesn’t come in soon I Toby Hillerton, the intern, will soon have his job!

All Hail Plankton!

OLIVER STONE NEW JFK THEORY: OSWALD DID IT!

DALLAS – Snowden film director, conspiracy theorist and eyebrow pioneer, Oliver Stone has a new theory regarding the assassination of John F. Kennedy and it’s crazy! 

The JFK director phoned the Studio Exec early this morning, careful to disguise his voice:

For years, I’ve been convinced that President John Kennedy was shot by someone shooting from the direction of the grassy knoll. Possibly, two shooters. On the Zapruder footage, the head clearly goes back and to the left. Back and to the left! And given the speed of the car and the direction it was travelling through Dealey Plaza, that seemed like the only logical conclusion. However it has come to my attention that there was also a man in the Book Depository Building which had a clear view of the square and a marksman, someone trained in the marines for instance, could have taken the kill shot from there. And what is more damning is the nature of that building. A ‘Book’ depository building? Books? in Dallas, Texas? I don’t think so.

I think we…

Now, it so happens a man was arrested and quite conveniently shot the following day, before he could fully confess. That man’s name I’ve learned was Lee Harvey Oswald. So I asked myself could this be the man who shot John F. Kennedy?

But…

Of course, I couldn’t be sure, but then I got a photograph of Oswald and he is the spitting image of Gary Oldman. That sealed the deal. 

But this is the accepted official version of events.

Exactly. It’s reverse psychology, you see. They know I’m always onto them. So they give me the truth knowing that I’ll head off arm in arm with Kevin Costner to dig up any species of bullshit and discredit myself and my friends, when all along the real conspiracy was right there in front of me all the time. You have to hand it to Richard Nixon, the Mafia, Cuban right wingers and the CIA, they almost got away with it this time.

Oliver Stone will be revealing a JFK: the Director’s Cut in 2017, as soon as he has completed his three week version of Alexander: the Seriously This Is It Cut.  

LIMAHL KEEN ON NEVERENDING STORY REMAKE

WELLINGTON – The Peter Jackson remake of The Neverending Story has gained a new fan already in ‘pop singer’ Limahl.

Former singer in 80s group Kajagoogoo, Limahl sang the original theme song to Wolfgang Petersen’s 1984 fantasy film The Neverending Story and is set to return to the new version to be directed by Lord of the Rings director, Peter Jackson.

Dropping by the Studio Exec Hobbit hole, Limahl looks exactly as he did in the mid-eighties when he was at the height of his fame. He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec about the prospect of revisiting the song that became a worldwide chart-topper.

It’s going to be a hell of a year for me. First we have the announcement that Gary Oldman is going to make a film about the rise and fall of my old band. And now Peter Jackson – the director of Bad Taste and The Lovely Bones – is remaking The Neverending Story. When my agent told me, I said ‘Carol, clear my calendar, cancel everything’ and she did it immediately.

So Peter Jackson called you to do the song? 

Peter Jackson is not going to be that obvious. First we have to do that silly little dance, but of course, I’ll do the song for them. We’ll probably have an argument about the drum and bass back beat they want to put on it but my vocal will still soar above everything.

Will you have a cameo in the film?

It’s my understanding that Andy Serkis is playing pretty much everybody using motion capture, but that might have just been a bad joke on Carol’s part. She does like to tease.

And finally is there any chance that Kajagoogoo will get together?

Well, it’s been no secret that for years I’ve wanted to do something with the guys, but I’ve also been battling with Social Anxiety Disorder.

You mean you’re...

Too shy, hush hush, eye to eye.

The Neverending Story will be 12 films.

 

VALENTINE’S DAY 5 TOP DATE MOVIES

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, and just in case you’re thinking of snuggling up with your loved one on the sofa and popping an illegally downloaded film into the thing, here at Studio Exec. we have a few suggestions for you to consider, with our 5 TOP DATE MOVIES.

 

A Serbian Film. This 2010 classic is a subtle romantic comedy proving that Serbs have all the fun. Milos is an out of work actor of fruity films who is offered the opportunity of making one last ‘come’ back. But things aren’t quite what they seem and Milos finds himself in a series of scrapes to hilarious results. 

Enter the Void. Gasper Noé directed this chuckle bucket of a film about a dopey American living in Hong Kong and getting shot to death in the toilet when a drug deal goes South. A charming remake of It’s a Wonderful Life, Noé’s film will have your date dewy-eyed, whimsical and heart-warming in equal measure.

Cannibal Holocaust. There’s nothing better than a scary movie to give you an excuse to get close to your Valentine’s day special other. And Ruggiero Deodato’s seminal found footage shocker will have you jumping and then laughing at how silly it all is. Enjoy.

Contempt. Ooooh la la! A French film with none other than Bridget Bardot to get you in the mood for romance. Watch as she and her uninspiringly dull boyfriend argue for 97 minutes. This portrait of a relationship in a tailspin will not only entertain, it will show you what too look forward to.

Nil by Mouth. Dim the lights, pour the wine and enjoy this Gary Oldman directed portrait of a marriage. Ray Winstone and Kathy Burke are the happy couple. Oldman was directly inspired by Richard Curtiss but danger this fluffy comedy can cause instant marriage proposals. 

JK ROWLING’S NEW HARRY POTTER TO ‘EXPLORE ADULT THEMES’

LONDON – News that J.K. Rowling was working on a new script set in the Harry Potter universe was greeted yesterday with skepticism and enthusiasm in equal measure, but today Studio Exec has learned that the film will actually be a continuation of the Harry Potter story. 

According to an insider close to the Rowling camp: ‘J. K. is a big Mike Leigh fan and I think Harry Potter and the Grinding Boredom of Domestic Life is going to reflect that.’
She continues:

The story begins a few years down the line from the end of the last one and Harry’s marriage to Ginny is on the rocks. He’s been having an on off affair with Hermione Granger and is racked with guilt. His best friend Ron knows that Hermione is cheating on him (but not with who) and has become an angry alcoholic prone to bouts of domestic violence. There are some moments of magic but few and far between.

It is yet to be seen whether Mike Leigh will agree to direct the film but our source believed that Sirius Black star, Gary Oldman would make a good second choice: ‘His Nil By Mouth is very close to the spirit of what J.K. is trying to achieve.’ 

 Harry Potter and the Grinding Boredom of Domestic Life will be released in 2015. 

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN DIRECTS THE WOMBLES MOVIE

LONDON – Fresh from the success of  Interstellar, Christopher Nolan is to write and direct The Wombles: Wombling into Darkness.

Based on a BBC children’s program from the 1970s, the film tells the story of a group of creatures known as the Wombles, who live in burrows under Wimbledon Common and collect the litter left by humans, recycling it for their own use. Casting is already well under way for this live action version, with Michael Caine to play Great Uncle Bulgaria, Christian Bale in the role of the engineer Tobermory and Gary Oldman will play the sleepy shirker Orinoco. The plot so far is very sketchy although Nolan has promised that the film will include a different take on the origin story of the Wombles and will be much grittier and more realistic.

Nolan told Studio Exec:

Caine
The Wombles are of our age, being the precursors to the Green movement. However, the environmental disasters we face – extreme weather, the melting of the ice caps, the iniquity of huge corporations – means that their solutions are basically inadequate. In the face of these pressures, Orinoco has become a drug addict and Great Uncle Bulgaria is beginning to use methods which have some similarities to the moral quandaries of the NSA.
Uncle Bulgaria

Eva Green is also in talks to play Miss Adelaide, the love interest. Although there is no confirmation as to who will direct the film, Zach Snyder is the current favourite. 

‘He does have the kind of restraint this piece needs,’ said an obviously confused Nolan.

The Wombles: Womble into Darkness is due to start filming in 2015.

  

CHRISTOPHER NOLAN LAUNCHES HIS SHAKESPEARE TV SHOW

LONDON – Interstellar director Christopher Nolan and brother Jonathan are to launch a new HBO show based on modern dress updates of William Shakespeare – a popular English playwright. ‘I’ve always loved Shakespeare and I’d like to see what his plays look like in new contexts,’ said The Dark Knight Rises director.
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