ZACH BRAFF TO BE ILLEGAL

HOLLYWOOD – In a move which legislators say is a big step forward in the battle against climate change, Zach Braff has been made illegal.

Environmental groups have welcomed the legislation which will see a legal moratorium placed on Zach Braff, halting a practice that Greenpeace have repeatedly called one of the most toxic and destructive industrial processes that we are currently perpetrating against our fragile eco system. The law – which will come into effect at midnight – was a rare example of bi-partisan co-operation in Washington and saw John Boehner joining President Obama and praising the President for ‘his firm leadership in making a historic decision’. The Anti-Zach Braff coalition were in jubilant mood last night and spokesperson Eduardo Chavez told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We have a lot of battles ahead and there is no time to rest on our laurels, but it has to be said this is a momentous victory for the environmental movement.Zach Braff has been proved to released toxic chemicals into the water ways, devastate local environments, pollute the air and there has even been seismic activity that has been traced back to Zach Braff appearing in a film or on TV some where.

Long gone are the days that Zach Braff was seen as an alternative to carbon heavy fuels such as coal. When in Scrubs, Braff was hailed by Friends of the Earth as a possible alternative source of energy and was included in then candidate Obama’s stump speech as one of the ‘All of the Above’ options on the table to deal with the country’s energy requirements. But following Garden State and Wish You Were Here, a study by Cornell University revealed that Zach Braff was leaking methane, a greenhouse gas that was significantly more damaging to the atmosphere than the carbon it was claiming to offset.

Correction: where Zach Braff was written, it should have read Fracking.

 

ZACH BRAFF APOLOGY: ‘I’M AN ASSHOLE’

HOLLYWOOD – In  only the latest in a series of celebrity apologies, Zach Braff – star of Scrubs and director of Garden State and I Wish I Was Here – last night prostrated himself before the public and Jimmy Fallon and asked, nay, begged their forgiveness.

The transcript reads:

Fallon:

And I believe there’s something else you want to tell us? No, no, this is serious.

Braff:

Yes Jimmy. Thank you. Erm. Boy this is a lot harder than I thought it’d be. Okay. 

Fallon:

Take your time.

Braff:

Okay. What I guess I want to say, the reason I came here tonight, was to apologise to all the people who I know I have deeply offended over the years. I get it. I’m an asshole, I guess and it must be really hard for many people to even listen to me apologise. They must be thinking what an asshole. But I mean it from the deepest part of my being.

Fallon: 

I don’t understand, have you used racist or homophobic language?

Braff: 

God no! No! Just my very existence has deeply offended and hurt a lot of people. And I want to come here and hold my hand up. And yes a lot of you probably enjoyed Scrubs, but that’s only what makes it so much more painful for you when you had to sit through Garden State and then all that stuff with Kickstarter which was like super-annoying. I understand that just my face, my FACE, for many people is an outrage that causes both shock and offence. It’s not them, it’s me. There’s no excuse. Yes, I come from a background, in New Jersey, where there are a lot of douche bags, but that cannot mitigate the deep pain and agony I have caused with my mere public existence. 

Fallon: 

Well, thanks Zach. 

Braff: 

Was that okay? 

Fallon: 

Yeah, sure I guess. 

Braff: 

As good as Oldman, better than Jonah Hill, right? 

Fallon: 

Jesus, you really are an asshole.

Zach Braff will be appearing in another film in 2015.